Journey of Being

[fopylo]

Damn bro I just got the insight that perhaps all I am is that exact moment in experience - now. And that everything else is just thoughts... Like right now I feel a certain way, emotional and physical sensory, but stories about the past, future, my identity - are all thoughts.. but these thoughts feel very ok and cool, even loveable...

It is everything that is 'not me', which is cool - hard to let go of as identity, but once let go and seen it as not me but something very close to me, a heart to my experience - this is love.

 

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I need to clean up my room, really. It is very messy and I need to start getting a hold on it. I don't want to postpone it any longer. I planned on getting things done on this weekend but it doesn't seem to be going exactly as planned, at the pace I planned... - leaves me only tomorrow to unpack everything and pack everything, do the laundry, and prepare for tomorrow, and sleep early... fuck.

I must get a hold of myself.

My brother's room is tidy, always has been. Jealousy, but I can let go of it quite easily, staying on it validates the strong discord between jealousy and the current vibration, which means I'm not close to jealousy (the thought of comparison is what is meant).
... however, it could also be suppression sometimes, no?.. It acts in a similar way..

@Phil Omg my head hurts. I am forgetting that emotions don't necessarily feel discordant, but beliefs and aversion do. Then when the thought of 'my brother's room being tidy' and 'my brother is an organized person as opposed to me' arise, one could feel jealousy as well as one could feel content with it, as well as one could feel indifferent to it - suppressing it and moving on. In all cases you can move on easily - have the thought arise and quickly get back to where you were. Would like some guidance on this point, if you will...

 

[Phil]

@fopylo

You noted jealousy, contentment and indifferent…and then ‘get back to where you were.

Don’t get back to where you were… extract the ‘juice’ out of it. 

What I want is ___________. 

(And then don’t continue with comparative thoughts of selves… but what’s actually wanted).

[fopylo]

8 hours ago, Phil said:

Don’t get back to where you were… extract the ‘juice’ out of it.

@Phil But I don't feel like staying on such discordant thoughts for too long.

It's like having a nice ride on the bike and then some fly annoys me for a second and then flies off, and being angry at it for the rest of the ride. I'm angry for just a few seconds, and back to where I was

[Phil]

@fopylo

you can only be where you are, you could never get back to where you were. A belief is being triggered, expression relieves and sheds light on the belief.

[fopylo]

Oh man.. I really need to start becoming more tidy and organized. It cannot be that the whole weekend my room is a jungle and then on Saturday night I decide to pack. My room is never tidy, and I'm not that organized.

It is disturbing me, and thus I want that next time I come home I want that the first thing I do is (fine, a little rest but then) take out the dirty laundry.

 

Ah.. Now I'm in a situation where I can't finish packing everything, and will need to wait for tomorrow morning to pack the last things after I finish using them in the morning. I have quite some stuff on my head to remember to pack for tomorrow, but I want to trust that I will instinctively remember as I go. A bit risky.

 

Last week the platoon commander taught us the stages of adaptation: It starts with shock, then denial, then the depression... and then it goes upwards to acceptance and more levels that are irrelevant now. I feel like I'm at the denial stage going into the light stage of depression. The denial stage is basically after you've gotten the shock of newness, and it is denial of this new routine, of this new way of living, believing it is just temporary and waiting for the weekend to go home. It is mistakenly believing you are still a part of your previous life. The depression part is the realization that it isn't temporary, and the realization that the weekend breaks are short and not satisfying compared to the week. It is believing you are trapped in a new routine, and that this is your life. It is the grief of letting your past go and surrendering to this new territory. I am starting to feel this lightness of depression starting to come, as I realize that I actually don't have this amount of freedom I used to have, I see close friends less, the environment can be a bit challenging some times - overwhelming.

 

I don't exactly know how to describe a state, because I could say I am experiencing depression, but then I say that in that state I experience grief, disappointment, and now overwhelment... So then what is depression? I am also sensing confusion arising about emotions. I am not trying to understand what emotion I'm expereincing at a given moment, which might be a problem because then I won't know what is the higher emotion. @Phil

 

9 hours ago, Phil said:

A belief is being triggered, expression relieves and sheds light on the belief.

What do you mean by "expression relieves and sheds light on the belief"? Could you give an example of how this works in real life?

 

Imma head to bed. Lots of organizing and packing for tomorrow.. Don't know what I'm feeling... Perhaps overwhelment/worry?

[fopylo]

I want to experience every emotion in expression form, and would also like to experience it in suppression form so I can see the difference and discern between discord and emotion. It really does seem like emotion isn't of discordant property at all, but rather the beliefs held that created that emotion which might arise. Damn. It is all energy (one emotion kinda) that is being reshaped by beliefs.

[fopylo]

Repressed. Fatigued.

Too much repression for today?

Pessimism.

Is it? Perhaps. Now I understand, a bit.

 

I've been pushing, going over beyond myself.

I've been trying to be someone whom I'm not, an act,

a white lie.

 

Fuck.

 

I've been wondering... (a little tear in my heart)...

How do I become enlightened?

I feel good..

But what is enlightenment? I want that.

I do feel good some times in the day,

But I wonder what's more than that -

What's out there, in there, whatever.

 

'Soaking up the juice'.. ugh.. hm..

Man,

Suffering...

Don't want any of that.. don't want any if what, exactly?

 

Confusion can hit mad at moments of pessimism.

(upper chest wants to let out a tear, but it hasn't reached up yet)

To be honest, I don't even know much emotion as it is in the moment. And there's expression and suppression..

 

I don't mind getting your responses @Phil@Mandy

[fopylo]

Went down to put something in the oven. Came back upstairs. First thought that came:

"What should I do now?"

 

Interesting...

Emptying out the negativity, and then left with nothing, hence boredom

[fopylo]

"When will I tidy my room?"

"When will I wake up tomorrow?"

"Do I even have time to___"

[Phil]

5 hours ago, fopylo said:

I don't mind getting your responses

Not sure on what. 🙂

Maybe a question comes to mind. 

[fopylo]

Ok so a few things happened this week, and I don't really feel like talking much about them to depth, unless I feel like. But here are the points:

• I came back and I didn't tidy my room, nor do the laundry first thing as I said. Fuck.. although it wasn't too bad, and that is because the second I got home I rested a bit, had a shower and then went on a date. The date was successful in my opinion, it was with that girl from my bootcamp I was talking earlier. We made out and talked a lot and it was nice. Must say though that I didn't really like kissing, quite disgusted me (I didn't say it though), ew...ugh. But I really liked kissing her face.
• I have been frustrated most of the week (now, more accepting) that it seems that the authorities are differentiating between the people here as though some of us here are higher ranked than the others, this game... although I would like to be prize deserving... ironic.
• I went to the social security to try and get my disability fund (my autism), and (please don't ban me for saying it) had to act like a lower functioning autistic kid in hopes of getting funded. The horrible part about it is that it felt horrible and I really hated it, almost felt like vomiting this character out of me the second I left. Perhaps I shouldn't have acted too much, and be real instead? Perhaps they caught on to my act and now they won't give me anything?
  I don't want there to be a moral dilemma here please.
• It isn't all good like I thought. Damn, should've expected depression to come... It could only be a fantasy to imagine all of us being on high energy the whole time...
  There have been some arguments, some uncomfortable moments between members, problems coming up... What does that mean? Should I expect it in every frame I get into?
• Regarding the last point, there is also a lot of uncertainty regarding the job each one will have in the military, which is quite stressing....(and we'll know it only in like 2 weeks).

[fopylo]

A lot of uncertainties in the air

Being drowned in mud

What should I do?

Doubt

Confusion.

 

Different worlds,

different dimensions.

Different feelings,

different perspectives.

 

All along this path it is one long stretch, not knowing where it takes me...

Looking so closely at the horizon.. not sure what I'm seeing,

leaving me at doubts, drowning in the liquids of worrisome 

[fopylo]

Gonna smoke me some vape. Time flies, what the hell?? I want to have time to organize everything, and I also wanted to meet a friend. Am I really me?

[fopylo]

I am still at bootcamp (it is what you have at the start of the military service), and soon gonna start my real job at the army.

I am very fortunate to land a very high quality job there, which also means I come back home every day which will give me more freedom.

I am hyped for what comes next in my journey.

Things seem to fit in place when you look at the whole situation with a certain perspective. It's the "wow! So many positives, omg! This is exactly the best possibility" type thought lol.

 

Awareness-wise, I don't know.. I mean like, I am just living life with no thoughts about spirituality and journaling. Just trying to squeeze the juice, and live good. Great people there. I have an affair with someone there as well who is a very open and honest person (which I guess you could say is kind of a spiritual practice).

I do try to remember intuitively the emotional scale, especially the lower emotions, because the higher ones tend to just sort themselves up somehow when living life without overthinking

[fopylo]

Everything seems to just fit so perfectly...

 

It's just so beautiful...

 

💖

 

 

Staring at the starry sky

Overflowing fragments of memories -

of what is desired, of the source, the fundamental ground

from which I come from

and to which I'll return.

 

Seeing the greatness in my current position, in my life situation

It is so absurd how things come together.

I see the greatness in my situation.

How much greater can it be?...but -

How come it is so great??

Why me????

Out of everyone....

💖

💜

 

I am seeing the stars, and I feel nostalgic, and at peace...

That I'll be home every evening and won't miss this.

 

I am seeing the stars, and feel like a child...

Knowing that I'll be swimming in this beauty everyday,

and an inspiration for creating music,

and making time for it.

 

I am staring at the sky, and feel the closure....

The closure of seeking to work in the aerospace field -

The field I've always sought as a child,

and this new army position can really open this door for me,

as an option.

 

Life could've looked very different in the brink of a decision,

in the brink of a success.

There is something very great about failing.

Sometimes, looking back, it was the best thing that could've happened!

💖

💛

💙

[fopylo]

I don't even feel like vaping but Imma vape anyways because it is cool for the moment and I'm kinda bored and don't want to dive really deep into something now like anime (maybe later) and learning to make music (certainly not now)

[fopylo]

The person who plays basketball everyday...

like meditation and journaling perhaps - in the flow.

This person doesn't need to force himself to play, nor overthinks it.

So does the person who meditates.

 

It reminds me the ox herding pictures...

The basketball player, this player who is advanced and doing it for fun...

He just loves playing basketball.

It is his go-to.

Not much thought around it. No resistance.

This is life for him.

 

His spiritual practice isn't of the playing basketball - that is distinct thought attachment;

But rather the practice of doing what he loves, what flows to him,

the thing that confirms to him that there is life.

 

It isn't about meditation.

It isn't about journaling.

[fopylo]

Living life by the day, for the day

not thinking much about the future.

 

There's quote of:

If you think in terms of a year, plant a seed;

if in terms of ten years, plant trees;

if in terms of 100 years, teach the people.

 

It fits antithetically well with my situation.

I am not making time and effort for tidying my room, and for pursuing music.

I like to think in terms of "if I had more time, then...." - entertaining that fantasy that tends to appear when I am busy,

as though time will be the savior.

 

Living the days not thinking about tomorrow,

thus continuing this messy cycle.

I want a way out of this cycle.

I want to be in the flow, to be everything.

 

I want to live my purpose, what is true for me now, the highest fulfillment,

and the knowing:

Having the knowledge of this path and life to help myself, and this self-circulating wisdom that'll always save me -

to become a master of it, so to always see the beauty of it all and live this great life I deserve.

[fopylo]

"a lot of things I want to do, but not now. Now is not the time for it. The desire says 'now!' but I can't let myself. It is overwhelming that there are many desires that pop up as I like but I bind myself from moving towards those desires... I just know I don't have enough energy and will to sustain those desires if I act on them, so the best solution is just to push them away. I don't know what to do. I am doing nothing, but I must move somewhere, forwards. Oh, what's left, vaping? I shall vape just so I can pass this empty time, even though I have the slightest knowing in the moment that it will go downwards to pessimism. It might be the right thing. Here I go"

[fopylo]

negative self-worth arises as vaping occurs, and as time passes.. this empty time