will of the heart

[ivankiss]

I will not be going into detail about my sexual experiences here - not now, not later. It does not seem relevant, or appropriate.

 

I had my sex diary for that back on actualized.org, but something tells me, I'm done with it for good. It just doesn't tickle my pickle anymore. Maybe that changes, maybe not, but this journal is really not fit for that kind of stuff. 

 

I will mention sex here and there, for sure, but no juicy details haha!

[ivankiss]

Yesterday I had a super intense toothache. It was close to unbearable. Of course it was Sunday, so no dentist was open. I had to sit with it. I was angry with myself for not taking care of my teeth regularly. For not caring enough about my health.

 

At times the pain was so strong I could do nothing but walk in circles. I could not lay down because it made it much worse. I tried doing some breathing exercises but it did not help much. The only thing that was giving me some relief was stretching. So I did a lot of that. I was only praying to be able to fall asleep, and thankfully, after hours and hours of crushing pain, I just collapsed and fell asleep instantly.

 

When I woke up today, the pain was pretty much completely gone. After some search in the city and a few calls, I found a dentist that was willing to take me in. The procedure was not exactly pleasant, but it cannot even begin to be compared to what I felt yesterday. The dentist was super kind and cool. We agreed that I'll be doing the rest of the work that needs to be done at their clinic. Cannot wait to fix all of my teeth. It will be such a massive shift, I know it. By the end of the summer it will be reality. 

 

In all of that pain yesterday, I also managed to have a few insights, mostly while I was having a few moments of relief. It's nothing that shocking really, but I became super aware of how people act the way they do, and do the things they do, because they're in pain, and might not even know it. Myself included, ofcourse. When the pain is strong enough it can make you say and do horrible stuff. It can push you to a point of no recognition. Alter you in ways you could not imagine ever before. Being in pain is clearly also why we overthink, why we get addicted to things, why we try to mask it all with pleasure, status, etc. It's all a giant coping mechanism. Because we don't know how to face the pain. We don't know how to bare it. 

 

You could have given me a million dollars yesterday it would've meant absolutely nothing to me. You could've burnt it right before my eyes, I wouldn't care. All I wanted was the pain to stop. All I wanted was relief. I wanted to be relaxed and at peace. To feel good within my body. I want to be healthy, above all.

 

It so obvious to me; healing is where it's really at. The deeper you heal the more aware you become. Realizations and understanding come naturally once you heal. I'd even go as far as to say that healing completely inevitably leads one to enlightenment. It should not be the other way around.

 

It's a projection ofcourse, and idea, but I think what the world really needs is healing. Not all this heavy and complex conceptualization. Be it in spiritual circles or elsewhere. It all comes down to healing. That's where the focus should be at. The res will follow naturally.

 

I want to be healthy. May I find the strength within to let go of what needs to be let go of, feel what needs to be felt, do what needs to be done. I want health on all levels of my being. 

 

And so it is.

[ivankiss]

Oh. My. Goodness.

 

I just served the most beautiful girl ever, at the restaurant. I don't think I have ever seen a prettier girl. She was so cute, so polite, so gentle... my heart melted instantly. One look and I fell in love right away. She was kinda attracted to me as well, I could tell. Or maybe I just wanted it to be so haha!

 

Either way, this is exactly the kind of girl I'd like to date now, once I put myself together a bit and upgrade. This is what makes my heart dance. What a girl...

 

I had plenty of sex in my life. Some really good sex too. But I don't think I've ever truly made love to someone. That's what I really want now.

 

Bravo to this girl. She's truly something else.

[ivankiss]

Ever since I got sick with covid, I kinda became paranoid of all illnesses in general. Not all the time, but sometimes it hits me pretty hard. To the point where I start feeling existential terror. On some level, I'm super afraid of disease and ultimately death, too. It's because I feel like there so so so much more I want to do, accomplish and experience in this lifetime. I don't want to be robbed of that opportunity. I'm also pretty sure I'm afraid because I know I've been neglecting my health since I can remember. I was not raised by the healthiest people exactly, far from it, so that kinda makes sense. On the other hand though, I see and know people in much, much worse conditions too. So I guess I'm far from total disaster.

 

Anyhow, I'd really like to get over this paranoia and fear, and simply focus more on taking more action for my wellbeing. 

 

I'd absolutely love to finally quit smoking, it's becoming more and more disgusting. But I've been smoking for thr past 10 years or so, and the addiction is pretty strong. I'm scared AF of those withdrawals haha! I've already given up a lot in a very short period of time, I fear it would be too much and I'd go crazy haha! I know it wouldn't be easy at all. At least for a week it would be hell. I also fear how it would affect my perception. I once stopped for two days and things started seeming quite freaky. I'm not that scared of emotions that would rise up, the cravings, etc. Rather, I'm scared of things becoming freakish and insane. Also; panic attacks, severe anxiety, breathing difficulties and all that. I'm not a fan of that stuff haha! 

 

I know I'm being called to let tobacco go, but as lame as it sounds, I think it's not time just yet. I'm not strong or courageous enough. I barely have any support system. + my grandmother is a heavy smoker, so it would be a pretty big trigger while I'm staying at her place.

 

Damn it. I don't like it, I know it's bad for me, I know it draining me, but I cannot give it up just yet.

 

I think what I need to do first is focus on putting into myself more healthy stuff. Vitamins, minerals and whatnot... I'm pretty sure my body is missing a bunch of that stuff.

 

At the same time, I really need to calm down and not freak myself out by all this stuff. I'm fine overall. It's just that I'm now aware of how much better and healthier I could be.

[ivankiss]

Just woke up from a dream so good and so exciting I cannot even comprehend it. 

 

It was not only super cool and awesome, but also super advanced and futuristic too.

 

Mind. Blown.

 

Back to bed.

[ivankiss]

It was a rainy day. Work was very chill. Got visited by a good friend and his girlfriend. A short but very pleasant interaction.

 

Been thinking a lot about possibly staying in Italy after the summer ends and I go through this transformation. It kinda resonates. I'd have to learn to speak Italian more fluently, which is somewhat of an exciting idea. I'd  probably sign up for a short course or something. I speak 4 languages fluently now, and two languages so-so. Being fluent in Italian would be cool. And later on possibly perfecting the sixth one too  (german).

 

Italy seems nice because of all the diversity it has to offer. Lots of different folks, different places to hang out, style and uniqueness is very embraced, cool architecture, etc. I can see it as a temporary home. It's close; I basically already live there. Except that I'm not really living just yet haha!

 

Will see, gotta juggle these ideas a bit more until the time comes. The main thing is that I'm focused on what needs to be done first in this phase and see it through. 

 

All is running smoothly so far. Feeling good.

[ivankiss]

Blah. I'm not the biggest fan of summer. These temperatures are crazy. The sun hurts my eyes, and I don't really like to wear sunglasses. Not a fan of AC either.

 

I like winter more than summer. Eternal spring would be ideal though. Around 20C° is perfect. 30+ is way too much.

[ivankiss]

Another day off spent well. Washed and cleaned my car, had a nice workout in the gym,  listened to cool music and walked quite a lot. And then I did something kinda unexpected. Was not really planning on doing it, but it seemed like a good idea. I bought some flowers and went to visit my mother.

 

It's been nearly two months since I left and we had no contact whatsoever. I calmed down, things kinda fell into their place, so I felt like it was time to see her.

 

Overall, it was nice. She was very surprised to see me. We mainly spoke of work. She too has a new job now and is liking it. We did not talk about what went down between us, our issues, etc... it was a very surface level interaction, but I wasn't even expecting more. The vibe was nice.

 

She's worried about my grandmother and her drinking problem. It's obvious she has health issues. She's scared of losing her... I tried to comfort her a bit and let her know that there's not much she can do... Funny, because that's pretty much how I feel about her. I cannot help her with her issues and neither can I help my grandmother. All I can do is give some love and attention when I can. Hold space. 

 

I did not stay for too long at her place. 30 minutes or so. But I know she was very happy to see me. We hugged on my way out and that was it.

 

I don't want to hold any grudges - it's just not me. Even though she should be the one coming to me and asking for forgiveness, I decided to swallow my pride and act from the heart. I've recharged now a bit, so I had enough strength.

 

She's sick and sometimes she's acting crazy and says horrible stuff, but she's still my mother and I do love and respect her. I just don't want to hang out with her too often haha! Let alone share a roof with her. 

 

I think there's a deeper reason why I ended up being back in this family triangle. Partially it surely has to do with me healing my trauma, doing inner child and shadow work... but I also think I'm helping and/or guiding my mother and grandmother - indirectly. It kinda feels like it.

 

Anyways, tomorrow is a new work day. Feeling good and on track, still. Looking forward to starting to trade any day now. Got some money set aside for it.

 

All is well.

Edited June 11, 2022 by ivankiss

[ivankiss]

Kickass workout today. Had the whole gym for myself, it was awesome. My muscles are quite sore now, but thankfully the restaurant is empty, so I can afford to sit and rest a bit.

 

Doing full body workouts for now, 5 days in a week. Mainly for body awareness purposes. And it's working. Definitely feeling more in my body. But also, I think I will be able to accelerate the overall growth process this way. I'm not destroying one or two muscle groups every few days, rather hitting all muscle groups every day, moderately. I rest enough, so I think the muscles have enough time to heal and grow.

 

Breathing and stretching play a big role.

[ivankiss]

Just weighed myself on empty stomach, and I'm currently at 73kgs. Quite happy about it. Not to long ago I was 68kgs.

 

I gained a little bit of fat, but not too much. It's still mostly just muscle mass. I'm bellow 15% bodyfat, I think.

 

Approximately 8 more kgs to go till desired body weight. It's totally doable within a few months. 

 

F yeah!

[ivankiss]

Step in this room where I want to be
Surely you mean this something
You're bringing me down to a silent breath
when it's the truth that I want to see

 

Search myself for the reason
The ever loving greed
I am put off slighty
So what am I to see, oh my love
(In the sensory, serenity)
(In the sensory, serenity)

 

So pull the pin inside
Baby let it ride
Never knowin' I'm the next to see
With the fire sign
Never make it mine
Never knowin' I'm the next to be

 

I am learning slowly
So what am I to see
Every twist and turning
Through my hypocrisy

 

It's so good to see
This world is alive
It's so good to see
This world is a lie

 

Like a knot it binds, suffocating minds
Never knowing, I'm in the next to see
With the fire sign
Never make it mine
Never knowin' I'm the next to bleed

 

I am learning slowly
So what am I to see
Every twist and turning
Through my hypocrisy
Search myself for the reason
Forever loving greed
I am bored of silence
So what am I to see?

 

It's so good to see
This world is alive
It's so good to see
This world is a lie

 

Lie awake, still, as I try to breathe
Surely you mean this is something
You're bringing me down to a silent breath
and it's the truth that I want to see

 

In the sensory, serenity
could it be, that I'm the next to see?
In the sensory, serenity
could it be, that I'm the next to see?
In the sensory, serenity
could it be, that I'm the next to see?
In the sensory, serenity
could it be, that I'm in ecstasy

 

It's so good to see
This world is alive
It's so good to see
This world isn't mine

[ivankiss]

I sense a little bit of resistance and/or some fear energy towards trading. I've been observing/analysing the market for a while now, but did not open any positions. I don't want to rush into it and make stupid mistakes. I know I have to build up a momentum slowly, just like with anything else. But I also definitely need to muster up some courage and take the first step. Confidence will strengthen over time as I go, but even now, I could be more certain of the knowledge that I've accumulated in the past 3/4 years. I know this stuff. Just need a bit more mileage/experience.

 

This will be the biggest deposit I ever traded with so far, so naturally that adds a bit to that feeling of scarcity. I really don't want to fuck up now. But even if I do, it's not the end of the world. Far from it. It's a lesson.

 

Other than that, I've been thinking a lot about investments in the form of real estate. Been talking to my boss about all that a bit earlier, as he has plenty of experience in that field. At some point, I'll sure get into that stuff. Just not sure if before or after I've made some money.

 

Without any capital, I'd have to borrow money from the government (mortgage) and keep working for a while as if nothing has happened. I'd buy an apartment, renovate it and then either a) sell it right away for some profit, or b) rent it, wait approximately 10 years until the mortgage is paid off and then sell it and keep all the money. I'm leaning more towards option A, since the money would come faster and I'd be able to keep flipping apartments over and over again for smaller profits. In Slovenia it would not be so doable, but in Italy more so. Real estate is quite cheaper there and there are loads of options.

 

Will see. I like the idea, but I don't want to rush into anything I don't know much about.

 

For now I'm focused on trading only. Music will make me some money in the long run too, for sure. Overall, the way for me is investing, in one form or another. I don't see myself as owning a traditional business. Though you never know.

 

I am opening myself up to money!

[ivankiss]

Feeling great these days. Better than in a very long time. Or even ever lol. I am taking control of all aspects of my life, slowly but surely. Made some changes to my diet and I am quite active throughout the day. Breathwork is pretty much an ongoing thing now. Wherever, whenever.

 

Seeing some changes in my appearance too. Also started styling my hair differently, and in some weird way, that adds a lot to the way I see and carry myself.

 

Slight oscillations in energy levels, a minor agitation here and there. Barely even worth mentioning.

 

Overall, things are looking great, and I've just begun. 

 

[ivankiss]

I thought a lot about what time-frame should I stick to, and I decided to trade the daily chart, for a few reasons. I can apply the 'one candle stick rule', I can rely on ATR, I'll eliminate the messiness and confusion of lower time frames, I'll avoid market tricks and manipulations, no choppyness, etc.

 

Everyday around midnight, when the new candlestick begins, I'll open a position, set a TP and SL in accordance with ATR and not look at the chart for the next 24hrs. And then repeat. This way I'll avoid my emotions getting in the way and making stupid decisions.

 

Money management must be on point.

 

Using only one indicator, which is super simple and it does not try to predict the future lol. It's not trying to tell me where the price is going. It's only showing me the average true range.

 

Time to do this. Starting Sunday night.

[ivankiss]

Ever since I started working here, people were offering me jobs from left and right. High salaries and whatnot. I am aware that I excel at this work and also that there is a shortage of waiters all around now. So I'm not too surprised. However, I'm feeling pretty good where I'm at right now. Not going anywhere till the end of the summer.

 

A few minutes ago I spoke to a guy about working on a cruise ship. He directed me where should I go to apply for a job. That's something I had on my mind for a while now... I could save up some nice money in a year or two that way. But I hear it's far from easy. It's non stop work.

 

I'll see later on. It's yet another option and I'm grateful that things are opening up for me.

[ivankiss]

Kinda missing my old life a little bit... I had pretty much everything that I needed back then. I was still working a meaningless, soul draining job, but I also had an awesome little apartment, I smoked weed and had sex all the time, hung out and partied here and there, etc. It was more of a life than what I have now.

 

I was not focused enough on music, but more so than nowdays, for sure. 

 

Part of me wants to go back to that life, as soon as I finish what I have here. It could be even better now, with a bit more money on my account and an upgraded version of myself... maybe I need to fool around a bit longer. I also see how being too money oriented can fuck me up seriously. Being obsessed with 'self development' too. 

 

Why am I even doing this? I need some money to buy studio equipment, to rent a nice little apartment and have some left in my pocket... but do I need more than that? Would it really make any difference? Would it mean anything?

 

I guess I want to be financially free, travel the world and all that... but is that really worth giving up on everything and not having a life now?

 

Idk. I guess I'm kinda confused what I want to do after summertime. But I'm seeing this through now. I'm too deep in already. I'm finishing what I started.

[ivankiss]

Here we go. Let's trade.

 

First position opened. ATR: 26.6 

 

I deposited a significantly smaller amount than I initially wanted. Was having some difficulties confirming a larger deposit on my online bank app, took it as a sign to go slow and not be too greedy. Lets warm up first.

 

Gotta visit my bank these days and work things out. 

 

Checking the chart tomorrow at midnight. No peeking in between. If neither my SL nor TP are hit by then, I'm letting it ride for another 24hrs.

[ivankiss]

Stressful day at the job. Had difficult customers. Some people have zero manners. It's true what they say; you can tell a lot about someone by the way they behave with the waiter.

 

Feeling fed up with this kind of work, again. But it's not too bad. I know it could be much worse in a bigger, more busy restaurant. 

 

I'll do everything I can to make this the last season that I'm doing this work.

[ivankiss]

My trade is close to my entry point. Barely any movement today on the chart. Leaving the position open for another 24hrs.

[ivankiss]

I don't usually wear colours, but I like this one.