Kevin Posted January 22 Share Posted January 22 So I’m very confused currently about dating expectations. I’ve gone out with one girl a few times and I’m not sure if I’m being reasonable or unreasonable. I have certain expectations that aren’t getting met and then I feel insecure because I start thinking about how if she liked me more she would do these things. I think I’m being reasonable but holding on to these beliefs about how she should act differently does not feel good. But then I think if I let it go I might end up in a relationship that’s unsatisfying for me. I guess I’m not sure about how to get what I want in a relationship without being demanding or needy. And certain things are very important if I’m gonna be with someone for a long time. But being demanding doesn’t seem right. It seems like the best option is to date different people until I find the exact type of person I’m looking for. But that might take forever. And then isn’t there something to be said for loving a person including some things that you don’t really like? Quote Mention Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bnyland Posted January 22 Share Posted January 22 What are you offering in the relationship? Quote Mention Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kevin Posted January 22 Author Share Posted January 22 15 minutes ago, bnyland said: What are you offering in the relationship? Time, money, also I’m attentive and engaging. In other words I’m good at talking. Quote Mention Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bnyland Posted January 23 Share Posted January 23 What do you want from the relationship, how do you expect her to behave differently? Neediness might work with certain people that either have unmet needs themselves or are the carer type. But when you evolve and don't have the same needs anymore, or they feel like not being that caring anymore, what happens to the relationship? Sounds like you need to date lots more women, find some that satisfy your perceived needs for a while, then move on to the next one... Until maybe you progress and clarify where the neediness is coming from. What are the beliefs that manifest as neediness? Unworthiness, fear of abandonment etc? That's for you to explore. Quote Mention Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bnyland Posted January 23 Share Posted January 23 Ps. Whatever you do, try not taking it personally. Simple advice, hard to follow 🙂 Quote Mention Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandy Posted January 23 Share Posted January 23 17 hours ago, Kevin said: Time, money, also I’m attentive and engaging. In other words I’m good at talking. Is being good at talking, being entertaining the same as honest communication? Or are those things different? Have you communicated with her what these expectations are or does that feel off or inappropriate? If so, why? Quote Mention Youtube Channel Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandy Posted January 23 Share Posted January 23 When communicating with the Universe, yourself or anyone else, always aim to express the desire, not the disappointment in the lack of the desire. If it feels like a duty to express and communicate, remember, you are not the one who expresses, you are the expression. You can't help it. 🙂❤️ Quote Mention Youtube Channel Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kevin Posted January 23 Author Share Posted January 23 6 hours ago, Mandy said: Is being good at talking, being entertaining the same as honest communication? Or are those things different? Have you communicated with her what these expectations are or does that feel off or inappropriate? If so, why? I think there’s overlap between being engaging and honest communication. Also I went on a third date with her yesterday. I was disappointed because she was acting cold/weird on the second date and so it came up on the third date and I expressed that the energy felt off on the second date. We resolved that and the third date was mostly great. Except for her being combative about her personal beliefs. Mostly revolving around politics. I stayed calm and did my best to set boundaries and express that just because you have strong beliefs about a political issue, that doesn’t mean you should act like your view is the only correct one. And I didn’t appreciate her getting mad and trying to impose her beliefs on me. I told her I didn’t care about what she believes politically because I think we are all allowed to believe whatever we want. I believe she really likes me and I believe she will modify her behavior. But a concern I have is am I doing too much? Is it worth it? What happens down the line if we settle into a stable relationship and the intense attraction dies down. Will she become argumentative and combative again? Respect and kindness and are of the utmost importance. I’ve witnessed friends and my brother be with women that aren’t kind and respectful. Women that are combative. In my brothers case there was divorce and intense legal and financial issues. In the case of friends it’s been tough watching them deal with these woman. It’s very important that any woman I date, must be able to have a calm discussion with me if they disagree with me. I don’t think I should leave at the first sign of disagreeableness but I also don’t know when I’m staying too long and it’s a lost cause. Quote Mention Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kevin Posted January 23 Author Share Posted January 23 7 hours ago, bnyland said: What do you want from the relationship, how do you expect her to behave differently? She can be cold and combative. I think it’s a defense mechanism but also those things aren’t acceptable to me long term. In woman I date I want kindness, warmth, and agreeableness. 7 hours ago, bnyland said: Neediness might work with certain people that either have unmet needs themselves or are the carer type. But when you evolve and don't have the same needs anymore, or they feel like not being that caring anymore, what happens to the relationship? Yeah good point. I don’t think I’m needy. I was just a little worried the other day. I think my expectations are very reasonable. 7 hours ago, bnyland said: Sounds like you need to date lots more women, find some that satisfy your perceived needs for a while, then move on to the next one... Until maybe you progress and clarify where the neediness is coming from. What are the beliefs that manifest as neediness? Unworthiness, fear of abandonment etc? That's for you to explore. Maybe but idk. I’m just not sure if I should stay with this particular girl or not. the neediness comes from believing it might be difficult to find another girl. I think this is a much smaller worry than it used to be because I’m going on dates way more frequently. Quote Mention Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blessed2 Posted January 23 Share Posted January 23 On 1/22/2024 at 8:30 PM, Kevin said: I have certain expectations What expectations? Quote Mention There must be an effortless way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kevin Posted January 23 Author Share Posted January 23 33 minutes ago, Blessed2 said: What expectations? Mainly that a woman I’m with be kind and empathetic but mainly my firm expectations that I will not adjust is I want a woman who is not combative and who is agreeable. Not meaning she has to be super submissive and say yes to me on everything but just that I don’t want to stupid fights about politics for example and I need some understanding that our views may differ on some things and that’s fine. Quote Mention Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blessed2 Posted January 23 Share Posted January 23 15 minutes ago, Kevin said: Mainly that a woman I’m with be kind and empathetic but mainly my firm expectations that I will not adjust is I want a woman who is not combative and who is agreeable. Not meaning she has to be super submissive and say yes to me on everything but just that I don’t want to stupid fights about politics for example and I need some understanding that our views may differ on some things and that’s fine. 👍🙏 Are you agreeable? What politics? What has been going on on the dates? What have you been having conversations about? Quote Mention There must be an effortless way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandy Posted January 23 Share Posted January 23 @Kevin Have you ever seen The Handmaid's Tale? Quote Mention Youtube Channel Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kevin Posted January 23 Author Share Posted January 23 15 minutes ago, Blessed2 said: 👍🙏 Are you agreeable? Yes, very. I don’t think it’s right to impose my political beliefs on others. Also I wouldn’t insist on a women being respectful to me if I was disrespectful toward them. I’m never aggressive with women, I never yell or curse at them. I expect the same. 15 minutes ago, Blessed2 said: What politics? Basically asked me if who I voted for last election and who I’m voting for this election. When I told her Trump she basically started saying I don’t support woman’s rights and I’m condoning rape and disrespecting woman. I made it clear that this is not a way I want to be talked to. Also I pointed to my behavior and told her that I’ve been nothing but kind and respectful towards her. While she way saying this stuff I remained calm even though I was annoyed. 15 minutes ago, Blessed2 said: What has been going on on the dates? What have you been having conversations about? The dates have been decent. First was great. Second the vibes were weird. We discussed it third date and she corrected it. Then she invited me over that night and it was great until she started on the political stuff. Also another thing that I thought was worrisome was that she brought up circumcising kids because I’m uncircumcised. (Sorry if tmi) I told her I would never circumcise kids because I thought it’s cruel and she strongly disagreed with that and got kind of combative there. writing all this out makes it sound really bad. There were definitely good things too. Idk though maybe I’m staying because I’m too nice idk. Quote Mention Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kevin Posted January 23 Author Share Posted January 23 7 minutes ago, Mandy said: @Kevin Have you ever seen The Handmaid's Tale? No. I looked it up and it’s 5 seasons. I don’t really wanna start a new tv show. Why do you bring it up? Quote Mention Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blessed2 Posted January 23 Share Posted January 23 28 minutes ago, Mandy said: Have you ever seen The Handmaid's Tale? Oh shit 😂 Quote Mention There must be an effortless way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blessed2 Posted January 23 Share Posted January 23 25 minutes ago, Kevin said: First was great. Second the vibes were weird. Mentioned Trump between them? Quote Mention There must be an effortless way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blessed2 Posted January 23 Share Posted January 23 Watch Brokeback Mountain. Quote Mention There must be an effortless way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kevin Posted January 23 Author Share Posted January 23 8 minutes ago, Blessed2 said: Watch Brokeback Mountain. I have lol. How is that movie relevant? Quote Mention Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blessed2 Posted January 23 Share Posted January 23 2 minutes ago, Kevin said: I have lol. How is that movie relevant? 41 minutes ago, Kevin said: I don’t really wanna start a new tv show. I don't give a shit. Cry your eyes out. That's the message. Quote Mention There must be an effortless way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.