Kevin
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This was tough the other day. But also feeling is super pronounced lately and today the suppression seems to have died down a bunch. a big barrier was thinking I need to solve the problem that certain thoughts pointed to. And I needed to solve it now. That was a huge barrier to feeling. lots of stuff being uncovered lately. This really resonated. The last week things have been super intense but lots of stuff has been clearing up around things like relationships and desperation and what thats about.
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Yeah I’ve seen him before. He’s good. I think I prefer being talked at rather than the dialog recordings he does with others. I’ve really been getting a lot out of the simply always awake YouTube channel.
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This sounds like a good idea. I will try this out.
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For sure this makes sense. Maybe me asking the question of how to stop suppressing is more suppressing
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How do I not suppress when it feels like suppression is happening but I’m not sure how it’s happening? basically I feel like I’m pushing something away emotionally but I’m not sure what and I’m not sure how to stop. A few days ago I felt some stuff very clearly and it felt like I wasn’t suppressing at all in that moment. And now I feel like emotional suppression is happening. It’s very clear based on how I feel that it’s happening. But I don’t know how to stop. It seems like lots of unhealthy coping mechanisms come along after suppression has been happening for a while. Like drug use is the last stop on the train.
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So I thought I experienced what people refer to stream entry. A few days ago I was experiencing a lot of suffering. The suffering became very intense. Then the suffering was felt fully. And it seemed like there was an experiential shift. A lot of life it seemed I am struggling against a current. Things would happen and I would attach meaning and thinking I need to fix things. Sort of like picking up baggage. The shift that happened felt like instead of constantly swimming upstream it felt like I turned around and started floating downstream. All the usual patterns and stuff remained but everything became so much easier to deal with. Emotions were more intense but also easier to deal with because emotions are felt now and not over a span of time. So thoughts like “what if I feel like this forever” started to lose meaning. So over the past couple days it seemed like there was a lot of barfing emotional material. But also it seemed manageable. But last night I couldn’t sleep and today I’ve just felt very uncomfortable in my body. I’m not sure what emotion is being experienced. But I’m experiencing lots of tension in my face and jaw. The ease of the last couple days doesn’t seem to be here as much today.
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It varies sometimes great sometimes bad
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Thanks Phil! This is a lot and I keep reading it and then getting interrupted. I’ll see if I have any questions but I don’t know if. I will. It seems really direct.
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Sort of yeah I used to experience a lot of fear in college when I’d have to present in front of class. I don’t think I explained it the way you did but probably same shit. I think partly I’ve just gotten more used to it. Still a little scary sometimes but usually doable unless I’m feeling really sad. I think it terms of helping resolve it, what Phil advises generally helps me over time. Like if I meditate and do the emotional scale often then I’ll feel happier and these things are way easier. I’m sure you’ve experienced similar. Also some comedy clubs can be more nerve racking than others. There’s one that’s super chill and then there’s some that feel more intense. Idk why maybe more people or it seems more serious. End of the day tho everyone bombs. It’s not that bad. Worst case scenario no one remembers your set and no one really cares. Worst thing I’ve heard of is a white guy dropped the hard r. Some people talked to him about it and the following week I was there and he spent his five minutes saying he was sorry. Also bombing is totally subjective probably. You might think you bombed at some point but it probably wasn’t that bad. I realistically wasn’t that bad last time. I wasn’t great but I wasn’t horrible. people are really nice and more forgiving generally. Everyone has been super nice at every open mic. You can even just tell people you’re nervous when you go up. I did that one time then just kept going. One of the better guys I’ve seen, I thought he was bad cuz I thought he bombed the first time I saw him but he’s been killing it ever since and honestly he’s super different so he probably killed it the first night and I was just being judgy. Keep doing it is the main thing. You’ve got this. It seems crazy until you’ve done it a lot and it’s normal. My friend who’s really working at it is going to like 3 or 4 open mics a week. Also he’s constantly writing jokes so I think part of it is if you’re prepared with material it takes the edge off. I’ve even heard you can take classes on comedy. oh also toastmasters is apparently a public speaking workshop that’s in like every American city. Probably Europe too. Maybe worldwide. I feel ya on the public speaking for sure. I’ve never been afraid of being hunted by an animal tho. I am afraid of spiders tho. for the animals don’t hike in Alaska and you should be fine. Bears are scary lol. Phil explains this kind of thing way better but what I would do is public humiliation isn’t really a thing per se. It’s always your own judgement your feeling, not everyone else’s. A huge thing is momentum too. If you spend all day in bed on your then go out it’s gonna be hard. Build healthy habits, exercise and meditate. These things will make you feel better. And the better you feel the easier it is. Also try challenging yourself in small ways that make you nervous. For example when I was feeling why more shy, I would try just smiling and random people. For you it may be different but it’s worth a shot. Thanks for asking! That’s actually going pretty good in terms of quitting. I’ve been off for a while now. I seem to have developed a permanent tolerance and I feel so sad after every time that it’s become not worth it at all. I don’t intent to do it again. I just need to work on avoiding all other drugs even caffeine. Keep your head up and keep us posted on how the comedy goes!
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The most frustrating thing is I can’t do anything to fix it. That was the first thought. But that’s the guidance. Of course believing I have to fix things doesn’t feel good when things are already all good. Yes the drugs are not conducive at all. Its a relief temporarily but also a complete momentum stopper. Like running into a brick wall emotionally speaking. I did tell my mom about the crack use the other day. I mainly told her because I’m so certain I’m done with it.
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I’ve definitely felt that before. Periods where I worked out a lot and meditated and didn’t do drugs. You build a lot of momentum and it feels great. On the moderation thing I think everyone’s different. For example some people break their leg and get perscribed opiates then they get hooked and start getting street stuff cuz there script runs out and they OD. Then there’s some people that take opiates and are fine. There’s a professor named Carl hart who is very public about how he uses heroin recreationally and he seems to be doing fine. I don’t think I could do that though lol.
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Shoot you’re right. I just looked up a caffeine half life calculator and if you drink 200 mg of cafffeine it can take close to 40 hours to completely clear. I don’t drink coffee a lot and I have a sensitive system so that’s most definitely it.
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Yeah Kratom is really interesting. When I first tried it in college I loved it. It felt like a stimulant. But I took really low doses. When I tried the average recommended dosage it made me super tired and nauseous. So I think I’m probably really sensitive to it. it’s a weird drug though because I tried it again recently and I just didn’t get the same pleasure from it that I used to. I agree on the last bit too. For me at this point staying away from all substances is probably the way to go. Also I think we can outgrow these things. In college I had a love-hate relationship with weed. I liked it but it made me lazy and antisocial. Nowadays I’ve completely given it up and it wasn’t an effort. There’s just no desire anymore. Whatever hole that drug was filling has been healed. I think that can happen with all substances and I’m sure it’ll happen for you with any habits you might want to give up.
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yes definitely. Our last talk where we ou mentioned the distinction of feeling being fluid really helped. By that I mean saying I’m angry freezes things in place. where as saying I’m experiencing anger isn’t saying something about me and it seems like it’s easier to move through the emotion. I experience frustration because I want to work on that so I feel happier but i don’t think I can make a goal of that. yeah definitely not trying to Minimize. But I think a lot of people hear about someone doing heroin and it seems drastic. Like their deeply sad and ready to end it all. I don’t have that stigma so I did heroin once in college cause I was bored and my friend offered me some. I haven’t done it since then to be clear. Love ya too man. I definitely feel the support and I try to take any guidance or insight offered to heart.
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Definitely I agree. Do you do Kratom extract or the powder? And have you experienced withdrawals from it? In college I did a lot of Kratom powder. It helped me get through rugby workouts. I felt like I could run forever. It made hard work easier. I never felt like it was addictive though. I would stop taking it all the time and never experienced withdrawals or cravings. I’ve heard Kratom extract is what causes addiction because it’s so much more potent.
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I’m actually leaning more towards a meditation retreat. I think that would be better for me. I would want to find one that isn’t a goenka retreat though. Idk if any of yall have been to a goenka vipassana retreat but they make you watch hours of goenka talks. And he’s probably the most boring speaker I’ve ever seen in my life.
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I’m really trying to be open minded here because you all keep telling me to go to rehab. I think there might be a disconnect in perception. I’ve never really had a stigma around “hard” drugs. Even when I was in high school. I didn’t do them but they don’t seem extreme to me. But I can see that for most people, hearing about crack usage is extreme. to be clear I’m not defending drug use and I’m never doing coke again but I feel like it probably sounds a lot worse to talk then it is. in terms of using drugs to avert from feeling, isn’t caffeine use averting from feeling? If I wake up feeling tired and not motivated or excited. Maybe even depressed. But then I drink a coffee isn’t that just suppression? My next question would be everyone does is so is it bad?
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Im 27. Idk man I could be wrong but I don’t think I need to. Here’s the honest truth. I like drugs. But I don’t think I have a problem because I can easily not do them. I did drink 2 drinks last night when I was at the comedy club. Maybe I’m mimimizing that because everyone else was doing it. It was at a bar after all. Rehab felt necessary for me back in November or December when I was doing crack. And I felt scared because I liked it too much and I didn’t want to quit. Now I don’t like it and I have zero desire to do it again. I also have zero desire to even do powder cocaine. I’ve said that before and I’m actually sticking with it. i haven’t slept for the last 2 days so not gonna lie I’m craving a Xanax so I can sleep but besides that I don’t think about Xanax on the regular. And to be clear I haven’t been doing drugs. I don’t know why I can’t sleep. I had caffeine before 12. Maybe it’s that and maybe I’m sensitive to caffeine.
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I went to a comedy open mic tonight and I did a set. I thought I did badly. It was beautiful seeing the community. I’ve been to like 4 open mics and it’s usually the same people. Everyone is so warm and welcoming and kind. I experience suffering because I think I’m the odd one out. I’m the one dwelling on how my set was shitty when everyone around me is congratulating me and including me and being kind to me. I believe it’s thoughts. I believe it’s not really me but the emotions come up. the comedy community here really is beautiful. I’m hanging out and enjoying hanging out with people I never thought I’d hang out with. It’s wonderful but partly I believe I don’t belong. I believe it’s selfish and self centered to be so focused on negativity about myself when I don’t even know who that self is. And I readily acknowledge I can’t find that self. I experience frustration because I believe I can’t fix it because there’s nothing to fix. But I feel guilty when I can’t fix it. Which is stupid. i sound insane bitching about an imaginary self but it feels real experientially. Then there is a belief that something’s gonna change to where it’s clear I don’t need to fix anything. Then my next thought is it’s about love. When I felt love for the last girl I dated it wasn’t because of her. It was just love and acceptance and it felt right. And I want that but how do you make a goal out of love? You can’t I don’t think.
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Hate, hamas, and war
Kevin replied to Kevin's topic in Society, Community, Culture, Politics, World Events, Charities
@Blessed2 lmao y’all are killing me😭 -
I feel you on the drug use. That’s over. Something that’s been a habit for me for so long is training hard. Definitely overtraining. Also eating a lot. I weigh 210 and I’m not fat. But maybe it’s catching up to me because I notice days I train hard I usually have trouble sleeping.
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I actually did that recently. Low vitamin d was the main thing. I’ve been supplementing that and it’s been helping. And I definitely need to start hiking. I always feel good after.
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Hate, hamas, and war
Kevin replied to Kevin's topic in Society, Community, Culture, Politics, World Events, Charities
lol cryptic as always Phil😂 -
Basically the point of this post is for me to bitch about not sleeping and to ask about talks experience with no caffeine. i haven’t slept for 48 hours. When this happens i experience lots of sadnesss and general apathy and guilt. For example i saw a cute girl at the gym and normally I think I would have talked to her but I’ve just generally felt super out of it today. Idk how i even made it to the gym. Also does anyone here have experience waking up daily brimming with motivation and energy without any caffeine at all? I’ve gone a long time barely drinking coffee but my motivation is low so I’ve started drinking coffee again but it gives me anxiety and sometimes makes it hard to sleep. basically I’d love to wake up and have that energy without drinking caffeine.
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Hate, hamas, and war
Kevin replied to Kevin's topic in Society, Community, Culture, Politics, World Events, Charities
Haha oh yeah my bad I forgot