grace

Truly so exciting how each day as i meditate, i get closer to god. How i'm going deeper and deeper into a well of love, falling into a feeling of peace. How it just keeps on growing. How i just trust more and more. See new things. Gain new insights. And it just keeps on evolving!! Just surrendering. What the fuck.

It can seem like there is so much to do and so many things to "fix". There are so many techniques and different methods. To do them all would be impossible. But in reality there is so much less for us to do. We don't have to have long morning routines of meditation and exercise and breathwork and tapping and reading and prayer or whatever have you. That is so much work. We don't have to do all that. There is really only one thing we need to do, which is listening to wisdom. We all have access to infinite wisdom which is far greater than our personal mind, our tiny little pea brain with it's tiny little intellect. Wisdom is a gentle feeling, we could call it intuition or common sense. We can hear it best when our personal minds are quiet and we're not so lost in our thinking. One way to strengthen our access to wisdom is to listen to others sharing from that space. I recommend listening to Sydney Banks and three principles practitioners such as Dicken Bettinger, Bill Pettit, Mavis Karn, Lily Sais, Michael Neil, whoever speaks to you and brings you closer to peace.

Do you still use it? How do you use it? Do you think it's more of a placebo or do you think it's something about the substance?

Why do you bring up hate and blame here? What's the connection? Thank you for the thought out response, i appreciate it. I have to read it a few times to get a grasp if what's being said here 😂

Thank you for the response 🙏 It's about moments when i feel like i'm stuck without an escape with no control of the situation. I'll be on public transportation and have the thought "i need to get out right now" but can't because i'm not in charge of the bus or train or whatever and that's when i start to panic. Or actually i start to panic already before that, as i'm getting on the bus and have the thought "i might panic while on this bus and won't be able to get out, won't be able to handle it".

Interesting, why do you think that is?

I do go out all the time. I work, do theatre, travel. But the panic attacks stay.

More like nervousness is similar to excitement. Panic is something else.

What are panic attacks about? How do you heal? I've had panic attacks for something like thirteen years. I have tried accepting them for something like six years. I feel like i have tried everything, but i still get lost in panic, i still fear panic. I've tried the floating method, yoga, meditation, acceptance, feeling the fear and doing it anyway etc etc etc. I'm left with a desperate feeling. How do i accept??? How do i feel my feelings?? Because clearly i'm not doing it right. I've been severely agoraphobic at times. I'm so tired of being afraid all the time. I sometimes feel so hopeless because i just want to feel safe and be able to live my life but i'm so afraid of everything.

Everything feels unclear and foggy. I'm having a hard time recognizing what i want and what i should do. I want to write but i hate the capitalist competitive publishing scene. I've had small glimpses into that world and it makes me want to puke. How it's important that you have a lot of followers instead of actually being a good writer. How it's about making yourself known and meeting the right people. IT'S SO GROSS. THAT'S NOT WHAT ART IS ABOUT. I want to do theatre but i hate how elitist the schools are. I hate how the theatre world is similarly corrupt and fucked up as the publishing world. I hate how some actors just care about getting famous. Theatre should not be elitist?? It should be about sharing and connecting and the joy of humanity. I have a well paying job but it's not where i belong. I don't want to spend my days getting all caught up and having my brain buzzing with work things. I am so tired every day after work i have no energy to do anything else. I want to surround myself with art!!!! I want to spend my days writing!! I want to do theatre together with people who also love art!!! I feel alienated around the people at work who feel they are doing their dream job. Who want to make money to buy nice clothes and a nice house for their family. There isn't anything wrong with that but my soul is screaming THERE IS MORE. THERE IS MORE TO LIFE.

Last night i experienced some kind of dreams while meditating. Even though i was awake i had short snapshot dreams. They were short flashes of people and families from around the world. They felt like things that could have been happening at that exact moment. Very strange and my first time experiencing something like that.

Meditation is really about connecting to god. It's holy. My goal is not to get rid of thoughts or empty the mind. I'm meditating to connect with god. I can't fail at meditating. It's not something to achieve. I'm just surrendering to god.

Have been practicing making space for fear. Sometimes it's very hard. Sometimes I say to the thought or feeling "you are allowed to be here" and welcome it, and then the feeling dissolves as a part of the present moment. It's quite remarkable. Especially since I have been running away from those thoughts and feelings most of my life. I have tried to "accept" panic before. But I only tried to accept it so that it would go away. Which is not truly accepting it. Now I have been saying "you can stay as long as you'd like". And awareness has enveloped the feeling in a warm embrace. It's really quite magical. I feel relieved. I feel like this is the key to stop fighting all the time. The battle has been exhausting. I have heard "just step off the battle field" so many times, but I was always desperately screaming HOW??? How do I do that????? I don't understand???? But it's so simple. The truth is always simple.

I'm so tired of being afraid. I have had so much fear in my life. I have been afraid of countless of things. I have rules in my head that don't make sense. I am afraid of things that are laughable. I have been afraid for so long. I am tired of it. So so tired. By trying to feel safe I have just ended up being more afraid. I have had more panic attacks than I can count. First panic attack I had around maybe seven years old. Feels like I have always been afraid. I know it's not true. I have had existential terror since I was a child. These fears have caused depersonalization. I first experienced depersonalization around nine years old. I didn't have the language to explain what I was experiencing, I thought it was something that had only ever happened to me, that I was always a thought away from falling into a void of terrifying nothingness. That something was horribly wrong with me. I used to be afraid of eating in a restaurant, of taking a shower, of going to bed. I tried to drown out the existential thoughts by filling my head by scrolling or doing anything really. I have been severely agoraphobic. Terrified of just walking out the door. Still am somewhat. And because of that, everything feels like a bit of a battle. A normal work day feels like a battle field, always one thought away from a panic attack. Will I make it home or will I disintegrate on the way? I am so tired of carrying all of this for years. I don't want to anymore. I just want to rest. I want to rest in the now. I want god to carry me. I can't do it myself.

But isn't it kind of different when you're in a relationship? Many women expect men to pay for things for them. I pay for things for him because I have more money.

Hmm, not quite sure I understand what you mean. Are you saying once you truly acknowledge the discord, you don't fall back into it? What it seems like for me is that we sometimes forget our true nature and believe thoughts, then remember then forget again. And the time we're remembering can grow but it's natural to get stuck even if you've found your way back home before.

The intentions are not to hurt me. Hurtful actions have come from a place of being stuck in negative thinking.

YES. Thank you Phil ❤️ He definitely does acknowledge discord. Whenever he is not stuck in his thinking we have a great time.

I have to let this out. Things that have hurt me: - He got angry at me for saying I loved him six months into the relationship, told me I had no idea about love. We stopped saying I love you and haven't said it since. - He told me he wanted to have children but not with me. (During a time we broke up for a while. This hasn't been discussed since.) - During a fight he said he doesn't feel connected to me and that we've never had a connection. - There was a period he wasn't communicating with me but journaling every day. I went and read his journal, in which he had written many mean things about me along the lines of "Grace is so fucking annoying" (none of this communicated to me!) - In the same journal he had written he wished he had a future with an ex hook up (instead of me) who is a friend he has introduced me to. They are still friends. Idk if he is still upset that he is with me and not with her. - I have a history of sexual trauma which he is aware of. He gets mad at me if I freeze during sex or don't know what I want. - He was upset he couldn't fuck every woman. - When looking at my baby pictures he told me I was an ugly baby!!!!?? (Or "not the prettiest") Other things: - I've lent him money for food which he has used on alcohol. - I've supported him financially a lot. He doesn't always thank me for this or even acknowledge it. - On our one year anniversary I arranged a surprise for him and wrote him a letter. He didn't give me anything. He said he would reply to my letter later. A year later he hasn't. - During the time we've known each other, he has missed both of my birthdays. First time, he said he would show up to my gathering but didn't. Second time forgot when my birthday was and went on a trip with friends. - When we lived together, I did all of our chores. I communicated with him that this makes me feel unloved and undervalued, like my time isn't important. Things didn't change. He hasn't apologized for these past things. He generally doesn't apologize for things because he says in unconditional love you shouldn't have to. I have tried to have conversations about these things to clear the air and get some clarity, and lighten MY grip on these past things. I don't want to hold grudges. He has been struggling a lot, not feeling well. Which explains these things. This is me writing the most painful things about our relationship. When we're in a light, pleasant feeling we have a good time. I just needed to express. I haven't written down all the great things we have/have had.

We're naturally in that state when we're not too deep in our thinking but instead in the quiet/feeling/observer/wisdom or whatever you want to call it. Spending more time in that instead of my thoughts helps me hear the universe/god.

Congrats! Rest in wellbeing, in the now, in a light positive feeling. Wisdom will tell you what to do/what you want.

I can't focus. Flooded with thoughts of doubt. My brain wants to act fast, say things out of a hurt place. It doesn't feel good. I won't say anything when in that space. Or in any state but peace. I will know the truth in a loving feeling, peaceful state of mind. I don't have to let a bad mood take control and make big decisions. I have questions but no answers will be found in this state of mind. Do some yoga. Sleep on it. Let peace come to you. And answers will come. So simple. I can feel some of it already whispering. Some clarity. A pleasant feeling. Love that has been strong this week. I trust. Surrender. Completely.

A good parent connects with their children from a light pleasant feeling (listening to wisdom). They minimize their parenting when they're in a bad mood. They listen to their children (and don't listen to their own thoughts and perceptions and judgements while their child is expressing and think that counts as listening). They teach their children how we are made, that they are born as perfect and teach them to listen to their own wisdom (which is really the same wisdom we all share).

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1) There is nothing wrong with you. You are perfect the way you are. It may seem like there are many problems to deal with, but really all of it is just one simple misunderstanding. Once we understand how we are made, how we work as humans, we see that the problems are just an innocent misunderstanding. 2) You are not your thoughts. 3) Thought creates feeling. You are always feeling your thinking. Feelings are a divinely made guiding system. Whenever your thinking makes you feel bad in any way, whenever you are in a bad mood, that is your inner guiding system telling you to not take those thoughts seriously. To not believe them. They will pass. Nothing needs to be done. Just like putting your hand on a hot stove, the pain guides you to lift up your hand, feeling guides you with thought. When you don't feel good, let those thoughts go. A bad mood is a love letter to let you know you've been taking life too seriously. 4) All of us humans have access to divine wisdom, which is something way more powerful than our personal thinking. You have divine wisdom, which you can let guide your life. You don't have to plan, think, or figure anything out. You can trust your wisdom. In any moment, your wisdom will tell you what to do. But wisdom is not found in your personal thinking, you can find it in a feeling. A light, pleasant feeling. Listen to that feeling and let wisdom guide you. You do not need to seek for advice outside of yourself, you do not need to plan beforehand what you will say during a phonecall or whatever. Wisdom will guide you in all of that. Trust it. I cannot tell you what you should do about all of these "problems". But wisdom can. These things are age old wisdom. They were articulated as the three principles by a Scottish mystic Sydney Banks. Try listening to one of his videos. There are plenty of professionals that have brought the principles to mental health. Dicken Bettinger, Bill Pettit, Mavis Karn, Michael Neil to name a few. Give them a listen. Listen to them like you would listen to your favourite music. See if you can find a light pleasant feeling. Let wisdom guide you.