Loneliness and smoking crack

[Kevin]

2 hours ago, Devin said:

Oh yeah, get sunlight too, vitamin D

Yes definitely gonna hit the pool today. Also I got up earlier today so I think I’m feeling slightly more normal.

[Kevin]

8 hours ago, Mandy said:

@KevinWomen that are happy love to care for a man, and they also love to be cared for by a man. When we aren't feeling good, we don't want to do anything for you and we also don't want you to do anything for us. Don't open the fucking door for me, don't touch me, don't compliment me, don't anything. Maybe if I really, really don't care about myself I'll take your money, and pretend to like the other stuff, but I'm not going to appreciate you for it. All it is a sign that she just isn't feeling good. The same is true for you. 

 

Yes I feel pretty similar about that. Like sometimes I want comfort but sometimes I want to be left alone. And as for the money and other stuff, I never lead with that. I never want a women to like me for what I have or what I can do for her. I want her to like me for me. So I never lead with money. In fact when I first meet girls I’m cheap as fuck on purpose.

8 hours ago, Mandy said:

There are couple things that in my experience really turn women, (at least the kind looking for a husband) on. One is when you're really good with kids or animals and we get to observe this. The other is when you're physically good at fixing things, building things, taking care of things, when you have a set mission and you're really focused on it. This is why firefighters with kittens calendars sell so well. I mention this to help put in context, connect the dots what I'm trying to say. 

 

definitely. I think prioritizing the woman over my own dreams of becoming a well known music producer who plays live shows isn’t the move.

Also I’m generally pretty good at being nurturing but this dog situation is tough. It’s tough because it feels like I’m being subtly forced to take care of them because their owner isn’t a good owner which makes me resentful. Especially when I’m feeling bad. And I’ve been feeling bad since I moved in.

8 hours ago, Mandy said:

Throughout this thread I cannot stop thinking about the roommate situation with the dogs. It's like the Universe is throwing at you the least intrusive possible task to complete to "level up" in this way. There's no commitment, they aren't your dogs, there's no reason you should do anything to help, have to do it, should guilt yourself into doing it. The fact that you're annoyed means it is true, you can't do anything for anyone else. Nor can you receive anything done for you by anyone else. I say this to be clear that this is IN NO WAY ANOTHER REASON TO FEEL GUILT, rather it's an indication of your vibration. So yeah, Mandy, I already know that, I don't feel great, that's well established.

 

sorry I’m really confused about the message in this last paragraph. I also cannot stop thinking about the dog situation. It feels very relevant. But it sounds like your saying I should take care of the dogs in order to attract women?

 

8 hours ago, Mandy said:

Here's the thing, you absolutely don't first go to taking care of the dogs, or volunteering for habitat for humanity. Just write down a bunch of things you like doing. Is there a youtube channel or a comic you find hilarious? Music videos that inspire you? A shop you like to go to? A park you like to go to? Do you like a kind of chocolate bar? Write it all down.  Everyday you pick three things off that list and do them. Then you write down what you want in life, if you have a dreamboard use that. Now you just sit back and watch the ineffable magic of the fun stupid daily stuff list and the big dream list collapse and come together. 

 

I’ll try that. I have a dream board with stuff written on it but whenever I go through depression episodes like now, then I basically ignore it and none of it happens.

 

I feel like dream-boards only work when I’m in a good mood and I’m in the vortex.

8 hours ago, Mandy said:

Now to be clear, that's your list of stuff that's your dreamboard, and don't ever let anybody make you doubt anything that you want. I'm likely crossing a line to say this and might be projecting what's on my own dreamboard but with all that said, from what I see from here, I would strongly considering a complete shift of  moving out of the area you're in, not just the apartment. 

 

 

I actually agree. I’m gonna stay in reno one more year because my jiu jitsu gym is really special. Also I made friends with a guy who has been producing music for 10 years and when things are aligning in my life I meet up with him and he teaches me hella music production stuff. Also it’s comfortable here because I have friends here. Friends beyond the ones that went to Vegas.

 

however I totally agree. I want to move somewhere else entirely.

[Mandy]

3 hours ago, Kevin said:

I think prioritizing the woman over my own dreams of becoming a well known music producer who plays live shows isn’t the move.

Yes, but, it's the little things in the moment rather than the prioritizing of one big dream over another big dream. There's no hierarchy or need to prioritize there and you absolutely can have your cake and eat it too if you make your priority paying attention to how you feel. I would not prioritize thoughts about anybody or forcing a crappy conversation with them over listening to music if that's what I really wanted to do in the moment. Then I can go back and have a great conversation with them, when I'm feeling better. Or I can write a song about them.  

3 hours ago, Kevin said:

It’s tough because it feels like I’m being subtly forced to take care of them because their owner isn’t a good owner which makes me resentful. Especially when I’m feeling bad. And I’ve been feeling bad since I moved in.

Kevin is absolutely loved by Source/God/the Universe/Whatever you're favorite pointer word is. And Kevin really is nothing else BUT that, but some of Kevin's thoughts feel bad. Some of Kevin's thoughts claim that he is deficient, which is total and utter BS because Kevin IS Source. It seems like Kevin's thoughts have a "bad owner", but that would just be one more thought of the same quality as I just described. It's just that some of Kevin's thoughts try to attack himself, even though what Kevin really IS cannot be attacked. Seems like I went off on a tangent, but stick with me here.

3 hours ago, Kevin said:

I also cannot stop thinking about the dog situation. It feels very relevant. But it sounds like your saying I should take care of the dogs in order to attract women?

 

I'm not saying that because that would be manipulation, and doing something in order to get a result, and that won't work. I'm suggesting that the dogs are angels from above here as one possible opportunity that you could use to clean up your vibration that is disallowing the relationships with all living creatures that you are not allowing. They aren't really dogs, just like neither one of us here is really human. Pure Source. If it's being a pain in the ass, it's being drawn into your Awareness, and it's for the good of all, disguised as a pain in the ass. I once went into the town office to pay a bill and the line was SO long, and I was behind this guy that was so obnoxious. I ended up having this weird interaction that in one feel swoop cleared out a lifetime of forgotten trauma, fear and resentment. I got curious about it, but it wasn't until I wrote and journaled it out that I saw what an indescribable gift that obnoxious unfortunate circumstance was. I have a strong hunch that these dogs are that for you.

 

The first job I ever decided I wanted when I was a kid was to be a dog trainer, but then that felt so unappealing as I got older not because I didn't like dogs any less but that training didn't resonate at all. I realized that we aren't the ones that train them, that it's only ever just communication, not training. Dogs communicate with humans vibrationally, and that is so frustrating to humans because it can't be bullshitted, it's prior to verbal language, body language or facial expression. Yet for whatever reason if I speak plain English to my dog as if he's another human about what I would like and expect, he gets it because I went through the steps of vibrationally communicating. Ask without expectation or manipulation and you shall receive.  He felt it. Sounds nuts, but try it. Tell them how you feel, how you'd like things to be. 

3 hours ago, Kevin said:

I feel like dream-boards only work when I’m in a good mood and I’m in the vortex.

 

Yeah, but you must allow the momentum to build in order to get into the Vortex, and tools are for just that. 

 

It's not that none of it happens. Nothing ever happens. It's that you can't realize it from the vantage point you're in. The original meaning to the word depression refers to angles in astronomy, so it refers to stars that are too far below the horizon line to be seen. That's all depression, is, you just can't see the light from where you stand or what thoughts you're believing about yourself and the momentum of them. You don't really move, you just drop the belief in the thoughts and the cork rises, the momentum increases toward what you want. You can see whatever stars you want to see from no position. The dreamboard is already a tool for writing down "stars" that you can't see because if you were writing down things on there you already had, that would just be the art of appreciation and not the dreamboard. And if you were to do that, you'd see no difference between the things that have manifest and things that you'd like to but haven't "yet". 

 

3 hours ago, Kevin said:

however I totally agree. I want to move somewhere else entirely.

I'm really sensitive to the energy of my environment, and the predominant thoughts that people have in a location can affect you if you are susceptible to them, or attracting them to you. This is often badly explained as the "rat race" or the "sleepy little town".  Even if you have no friends that are living that lifestyle in a city, the energy is still there. Before moving I'd consider asking, just like in the situation of the dogs, why am I attracted here? Why do I want to leave, and why am I attracting these aspects, what about the vibe of this place am I  match to? What like the dogs, is it revealing? 

 

You aren't a bad owner of your thoughts Kevin. You can take care of this shit, not begrudgingly, but with joy. The thoughts aren't even yours. They aren't even about you. Ideas of responsibility and ownership go to die when we sit back and observe. You can't affect anything unless you're willing to see it first, and once you really see it it will never, ever be the same again. 

 

Why do you think money is so easy, such a given, but relationships you want with women aren't? Is it interesting that so many men are the total opposite, women are easy and money is hard? Do you think this a reflection on the man's value, or the thoughts that he's mistakenly entertaining about himself and the subject of money? 

 

As we touched on earlier I/you/we, Source/Awareness/God LOVE when stupid annoying shit happens because then it's there in front of us, ready to see. Instead of like a rat that dies in the wall and stinks, you can clean up the dog shit cause there's nothing more honest than a dog that shits right in the middle of the floor, like "you didn't let me out, so here you go." Source doesn't try to hide anything, it's all outright, you're the one thinking it's "real", "material", "some else's problem", and you deny the gift of Awareness of what you really want. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Kevin]

1 hour ago, Mandy said:

Yes, but, it's the little things in the moment rather than the prioritizing of one big dream over another big dream. There's no hierarchy or need to prioritize there and you absolutely can have your cake and eat it too if you make your priority paying attention to how you feel. I would not prioritize thoughts about anybody or forcing a crappy conversation with them over listening to music if that's what I really wanted to do in the moment. Then I can go back and have a great conversation with them, when I'm feeling better. Or I can write a song about them.  

Kevin is absolutely loved by Source/God/the Universe/Whatever you're favorite pointer word is. And Kevin really is nothing else BUT that, but some of Kevin's thoughts feel bad. Some of Kevin's thoughts claim that he is deficient, which is total and utter BS because Kevin IS Source. It seems like Kevin's thoughts have a "bad owner", but that would just be one more thought of the same quality as I just described. It's just that some of Kevin's thoughts try to attack himself, even though what Kevin really IS cannot be attacked. Seems like I went off on a tangent, but stick with me here.

 

I'm not saying that because that would be manipulation, and doing something in order to get a result, and that won't work. I'm suggesting that the dogs are angels from above here as one possible opportunity that you could use to clean up your vibration that is disallowing the relationships with all living creatures that you are not allowing. They aren't really dogs, just like neither one of us here is really human. Pure Source. If it's being a pain in the ass, it's being drawn into your Awareness, and it's for the good of all, disguised as a pain in the ass. I once went into the town office to pay a bill and the line was SO long, and I was behind this guy that was so obnoxious. I ended up having this weird interaction that in one feel swoop cleared out a lifetime of forgotten trauma, fear and resentment. I got curious about it, but it wasn't until I wrote and journaled it out that I saw what an indescribable gift that obnoxious unfortunate circumstance was. I have a strong hunch that these dogs are that for you.

 

The first job I ever decided I wanted when I was a kid was to be a dog trainer, but then that felt so unappealing as I got older not because I didn't like dogs any less but that training didn't resonate at all. I realized that we aren't the ones that train them, that it's only ever just communication, not training. Dogs communicate with humans vibrationally, and that is so frustrating to humans because it can't be bullshitted, it's prior to verbal language, body language or facial expression. Yet for whatever reason if I speak plain English to my dog as if he's another human about what I would like and expect, he gets it because I went through the steps of vibrationally communicating. Ask without expectation or manipulation and you shall receive.  He felt it. Sounds nuts, but try it. Tell them how you feel, how you'd like things to be. 

 

Yeah, but you must allow the momentum to build in order to get into the Vortex, and tools are for just that. 

 

It's not that none of it happens. Nothing ever happens. It's that you can't realize it from the vantage point you're in. The original meaning to the word depression refers to angles in astronomy, so it refers to stars that are too far below the horizon line to be seen. That's all depression, is, you just can't see the light from where you stand or what thoughts you're believing about yourself and the momentum of them. You don't really move, you just drop the belief in the thoughts and the cork rises, the momentum increases toward what you want. You can see whatever stars you want to see from no position. The dreamboard is already a tool for writing down "stars" that you can't see because if you were writing down things on there you already had, that would just be the art of appreciation and not the dreamboard. And if you were to do that, you'd see no difference between the things that have manifest and things that you'd like to but haven't "yet". 

 

I'm really sensitive to the energy of my environment, and the predominant thoughts that people have in a location can affect you if you are susceptible to them, or attracting them to you. This is often badly explained as the "rat race" or the "sleepy little town".  Even if you have no friends that are living that lifestyle in a city, the energy is still there. Before moving I'd consider asking, just like in the situation of the dogs, why am I attracted here? Why do I want to leave, and why am I attracting these aspects, what about the vibe of this place am I  match to? What like the dogs, is it revealing? 

 

You aren't a bad owner of your thoughts Kevin. You can take care of this shit, not begrudgingly, but with joy. The thoughts aren't even yours. They aren't even about you. Ideas of responsibility and ownership go to die when we sit back and observe. You can't affect anything unless you're willing to see it first, and once you really see it it will never, ever be the same again. 

 

Why do you think money is so easy, such a given, but relationships you want with women aren't? Is it interesting that so many men are the total opposite, women are easy and money is hard? Do you think this a reflection on the man's value, or the thoughts that he's mistakenly entertaining about himself and the subject of money? 

 

As we touched on earlier I/you/we, Source/Awareness/God LOVE when stupid annoying shit happens because then it's there in front of us, ready to see. Instead of like a rat that dies in the wall and stinks, you can clean up the dog shit cause there's nothing more honest than a dog that shits right in the middle of the floor, like "you didn't let me out, so here you go." Source doesn't try to hide anything, it's all outright, you're the one thinking it's "real", "material", "some else's problem", and you deny the gift of Awareness of what you really want. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I did mushrooms earlier and I really appreciate what you wrote and I’m gonna need to read it again sober before I respond.

 

so much clarity tho. I need to move out like today. Immediately. I have the money. This can be done without fucking my roommate over.

 

basically the whole trip was about how I need to get off antidepressants and I need to move out right now and I need to do more psychedelics by myself in nature.

 

again thanks for what you wrote and I’m gonna need to wait until I’m sober to read and respond

[Phil]

17 hours ago, Kevin said:

Ah this makes sense. It is confusing because it the pickup community from what I’ve experienced. The guys who get into it have a lot of internal traumas and resentments and insecurity that needs to be worked through. However the guys generally claiming to be teachers of it, most of them aren’t in long lasting happy relationships. However all of the ones teaching it, from what I can gather, are having a lot of sex. Which to me isn’t the end goal but it’s a start. It’s better than nothing.

 

And from what I’ve seen from direct experience. I’ve met and gone out with 2 of these guys multiple times. And while they aren’t in happy long lasting relationships, they are easily able to attract and sleep with women. Perhaps the reason they aren’t in long term relationships is because it’s their job to make pickup content and teach people and so a lot of women are probably turned off by that long term.

 

so for me that’s why I looked to these guys for guidance and advice. Because obviously they are doing something that I am not.

That a lot of sex is better than nothing is an interesting comparison.

What’s nothing? 

 

Why is having a lot of sex being compared to nothing? 

Seems like the comparison would be to a relationship if that’s what’s wanted.

 

17 hours ago, Kevin said:

I guess my theory is these pickup guys certainly have some of this going on. However, they’ve gone out and talked to so many women that they learn to be charismatic in spite of whatever discordant beliefs may still be operating. This allows them to hook up all the time but maybe prevents deeper connection. Idk.

Yeah. It seems like being charismatic is actually valued. Weird. It’s like manipulation into valuing manipulation. 

 

What if integrity was valued?

Would there still be manipulative behavior, emotional harm & turmoil, stress, anxiety, guilt, regret, drug use and loss of self-esteem, authenticity, sincerity, the ability to genuinely express & trust? It seems like charisma / manipulation at the expense of integrity would hinder well-being, happiness, fulfillment and lasting meaningful connections. 

 

 

Therapy sounds ideal. 👍🏼 

 

 

[Phil]

@Kevin

How ya doin brother?

[Kevin]

On 10/2/2023 at 9:32 AM, Phil said:

@Kevin

How ya doin brother?

It’s a mixed bag. I appreciate you asking. I smoked crack again. I was so sure I wasn’t going to but I did. Felt even worse after this time. Idk how some people can do it casually and not fuck up their lives. But that’s not me.

 

When I have it on me it’s such a compulsive thing that I can’t stop until it’s gone. I even felt like I mildly ODed at one point. I did a bunch of rips back to back and I started sweating like I got out of the sauna so I stopped for like an hour. Tbh I didn’t really care in that moment.

Also one thing that sucks about crack is how compulsive everything is. On any other drug I’ve done I can do other activities and have fun. On crack all I want to do is compulsively smoke more and masturbate to the most wild degenerate porn you can imagine. Nothing illegal but stuff that sober me is disgusted by.

 

My sleep schedule is still terrible. Having trouble sleeping and when I do sleep I’m having crazy realistic dreams. Like I’ve never had dreams this real. Like I’ll be checking my phone looking to see if that girl I fell in love with texted me back and then I realize it was a dream. Then there’s lots of dreams about crack. Not many with me smoking it but lots with me procuring and preparing it.

 

Also I’m constantly woken up by my roommates dog barking and running into things.

 

On the bright side I’ve started the application process for the new apartment. The leasing office is gonna get back to me on when I can move in but potentially I might be able to move in tomorrow. Which would be amazing. I really cannot wait to move out of this apartment. I hate it here.

 

While I was writing this the leasing office called me and told me they can most likely get me in to the new spot this week so that’s amazing news.

 

Also I looked into AA and NA meetings. I’m going to one Thursday and I’m gonna try and find one sooner. 
 

On the bright side, even though things seem terrible right now I’m not beating myself up that much. I know that I just blasted my brain with the strongest dopamine reward chemicals for like 24 hours. So for a while nothings gonna be interesting and nothing will compare to that so I need to give myself time to adjust back to normal.

 

Eventually things like lifting weights and running and socializing and jiu jitsu and everything will be fun again but right now I don’t want to do anything.

[Kevin]

On 9/27/2023 at 5:25 AM, Phil said:

That a lot of sex is better than nothing is an interesting comparison.

What’s nothing? 

 

Why is having a lot of sex being compared to nothing? 

Seems like the comparison would be to a relationship if that’s what’s wanted.

 

Yeah. It seems like being charismatic is actually valued. Weird. It’s like manipulation into valuing manipulation. 

 

What if integrity was valued?

Would there still be manipulative behavior, emotional harm & turmoil, stress, anxiety, guilt, regret, drug use and loss of self-esteem, authenticity, sincerity, the ability to genuinely express & trust? It seems like charisma / manipulation at the expense of integrity would hinder well-being, happiness, fulfillment and lasting meaningful connections. 

 

 

Therapy sounds ideal. 👍🏼 

 

 

You’re asking a lot of good questions here. I’m going to therapy currently. I missed a few weeks because of my screwed up sleep.

 

I guess I don’t know how to do things differently. I always saw it as other cooler people who didn’t care what people thought of them got all the women. And so I tried to pretend to be that guy but I guess I’m being the antithesis of that guy because I’m caring so much about not caring about what people think.

 

Manipulation I guess like you said.

[Phil]

@Kevin

Glad to hear from ya.  I love ya man, and as your friend I have to ask, have you considered staying at a rehabilitation center? I think that would be the best thing. I don’t think this is something that’s best for anyone to try to work through without wrap around support & a well thought out tried & true program in place. I think allowing people to help in this way is the best way to go. This isn’t a ‘knock’ in anyway against you. Not at all. I hope it’s not taken that way at all. It’s the substance(s). Some are too addictive and it’s not a fair fight. 

[Kevin]

On 9/26/2023 at 4:55 PM, Mandy said:

Yes, but, it's the little things in the moment rather than the prioritizing of one big dream over another big dream. There's no hierarchy or need to prioritize there and you absolutely can have your cake and eat it too if you make your priority paying attention to how you feel. I would not prioritize thoughts about anybody or forcing a crappy conversation with them over listening to music if that's what I really wanted to do in the moment. Then I can go back and have a great conversation with them, when I'm feeling better. Or I can write a song about them.  
 

I have been trying to listen to my feelings. Like I said to Phil, I haven’t been spiraling as much this time even though I smoked crack again because I realize I just fucked my brain up and so all the thoughts about how bad things are, are just temporary.

On 9/26/2023 at 4:55 PM, Mandy said:

Kevin is absolutely loved by Source/God/the Universe/Whatever you're favorite pointer word is. And Kevin really is nothing else BUT that, but some of Kevin's thoughts feel bad. Some of Kevin's thoughts claim that he is deficient, which is total and utter BS because Kevin IS Source. It seems like Kevin's thoughts have a "bad owner", but that would just be one more thought of the same quality as I just described. It's just that some of Kevin's thoughts try to attack himself, even though what Kevin really IS cannot be attacked. Seems like I went off on a tangent, but stick with me here.

 

I’m sticking with you. 

On 9/26/2023 at 4:55 PM, Mandy said:

I'm not saying that because that would be manipulation, and doing something in order to get a result, and that won't work. I'm suggesting that the dogs are angels from above here as one possible opportunity that you could use to clean up your vibration that is disallowing the relationships with all living creatures that you are not allowing. They aren't really dogs, just like neither one of us here is really human. Pure Source. If it's being a pain in the ass, it's being drawn into your Awareness, and it's for the good of all, disguised as a pain in the ass. I once went into the town office to pay a bill and the line was SO long, and I was behind this guy that was so obnoxious. I ended up having this weird interaction that in one feel swoop cleared out a lifetime of forgotten trauma, fear and resentment. I got curious about it, but it wasn't until I wrote and journaled it out that I saw what an indescribable gift that obnoxious unfortunate circumstance was. I have a strong hunch that these dogs are that for you.

 

I agree with you but when I think about what the lesson is and how to forgive them and love them, I feel like I’m gaslighting myself into accepting a shitty situation.

 

This situation is so similar to a bad living situation I had junior year of college. I moved into a house with 3 of my friends and after 2 months a 4th guy moved in named Lorenzo who I ended up being really good friends with.

 

Basically the problem was that everyone except Lorenzo and I were complete slobs. I’m talking moldy dishes from them not doing their dishes for months. I was taking out the trash every time for like 1-2 months until I realized no one else was contributing so I stopped And quickly maggots developed. The garage filled with so many full trash bags that no one would take out on trash day. I think it was because all these guys were so obsessed with weed they didn’t care how disgusting the house was. And none of them had girlfriends so they didn’t care.

 

It became a huge point of contention and I basically stopped being friends with all of them except Lorenzo. Another huge point of contention was that me and Lorenzo were the only ones who would go out and try and meet girls. One night me and him bring back two girls. Lorenzo liked one of them and ended up dating her. I was talking to her friend and we brought them back to our house. And at one point I get up to grab something and like a snake, one of my other roommates moves and takes my spot right next to this girl and starts hitting in her.

 

Anyway that’s a whole big situation and I felt very disrespected by all of the above. And I couldn’t think about what’s the lesson here or how can I love and forgive these guys. I was just like duck these guys they’re all loser stoner slobs. The only guy here who’s actually cool who I want to be friends with is Lorenzo. So after the year was up me and Lorenzo moved in with some other guys and that was way better.

 

Idk all that feels very negative coming out but I just think I deserve better than that. I think I also deserve better than where I am now. Maybe that’s the lesson. But that doesn’t feel 100% aligned because I still hate this dog. I couldn’t sleep until like 5 am last night and around 6 I wake up to that dog barking and I was just filled with rage. I also tbh feel judgmental toward my roommate. I feel like he’s a loser who shouldn’t own this dog.

 

Moving out will be such a relief but then maybe I’m not learning the lesson. But also I don’t want to gaslight myself into thinking I need to realize something or love these dogs. Idk I’m very confused.

On 9/26/2023 at 4:55 PM, Mandy said:

The first job I ever decided I wanted when I was a kid was to be a dog trainer, but then that felt so unappealing as I got older not because I didn't like dogs any less but that training didn't resonate at all. I realized that we aren't the ones that train them, that it's only ever just communication, not training. Dogs communicate with humans vibrationally, and that is so frustrating to humans because it can't be bullshitted, it's prior to verbal language, body language or facial expression. Yet for whatever reason if I speak plain English to my dog as if he's another human about what I would like and expect, he gets it because I went through the steps of vibrationally communicating. Ask without expectation or manipulation and you shall receive.  He felt it. Sounds nuts, but try it. Tell them how you feel, how you'd like things to be. 

 

Yeah, but you must allow the momentum to build in order to get into the Vortex, and tools are for just that. 

 

It's not that none of it happens. Nothing ever happens. It's that you can't realize it from the vantage point you're in. The original meaning to the word depression refers to angles in astronomy, so it refers to stars that are too far below the horizon line to be seen. That's all depression, is, you just can't see the light from where you stand or what thoughts you're believing about yourself and the momentum of them. You don't really move, you just drop the belief in the thoughts and the cork rises, the momentum increases toward what you want. You can see whatever stars you want to see from no position. The dreamboard is already a tool for writing down "stars" that you can't see because if you were writing down things on there you already had, that would just be the art of appreciation and not the dreamboard. And if you were to do that, you'd see no difference between the things that have manifest and things that you'd like to but haven't "yet". 

 

Yeah I think I’m out of the vortex because I’ve been baby stepping into drug addiction. It started with Xanax because when I took it I became that cool guy who could talk to anyone and I loved that. It’s clearly snowballed because now I smoked crack so I think I need to just get completely sober. Even off my antidepressants. They never helped much anyway besides my sleep.

On 9/26/2023 at 4:55 PM, Mandy said:

I'm really sensitive to the energy of my environment, and the predominant thoughts that people have in a location can affect you if you are susceptible to them, or attracting them to you. This is often badly explained as the "rat race" or the "sleepy little town".  Even if you have no friends that are living that lifestyle in a city, the energy is still there. Before moving I'd consider asking, just like in the situation of the dogs, why am I attracted here? Why do I want to leave, and why am I attracting these aspects, what about the vibe of this place am I  match to? What like the dogs, is it revealing? 

 

Good questions to ask. I’m gonna have to really ponder about that.

On 9/26/2023 at 4:55 PM, Mandy said:

You aren't a bad owner of your thoughts Kevin. You can take care of this shit, not begrudgingly, but with joy. The thoughts aren't even yours. They aren't even about you. Ideas of responsibility and ownership go to die when we sit back and observe. You can't affect anything unless you're willing to see it first, and once you really see it it will never, ever be the same again. 

 

Why do you think money is so easy, such a given, but relationships you want with women aren't? Is it interesting that so many men are the total opposite, women are easy and money is hard? Do you think this a reflection on the man's value, or the thoughts that he's mistakenly entertaining about himself and the subject of money? 

 

I’ve definitely wondered about that but I think it’s pure luck of the family I was born into. Growing up I never saw my parents demonstrate any love for each other. No hugs no kisses no I love you. I heard and saw my dad scream at my mom and I’m sure I witnessed worse when I was an infant. Like before I had actual memory. I was also homeschooled until I was 15 which didn’t help with socialization.

 

However my dad is very wealthy and he’s always been very generous with me and my siblings. So I think in some ways I won the lottery on parents and in some ways things could have been better.

 

I don’t know how I attracted the money. It seems like pure chance. And I don’t think I’m better than anyone because I have it.

 

Recently gave 20 bucks to a guy begging on the corner. His sign said he was a veteran. For some reason I never used believe their signs when they said they were veterans. At this point though I don’t care I just figure if I was on the street I’d really appreciate some human kindness so I gave him the money and talked to him and he showed me a bunch of bullet wounds on his legs. Apparently he got a Purple Heart and he got shot like 4 times in his legs. Almost died. Dude probably has crazy ptsd. I had crazy respect for him that he’s still here. If I had gone through that I would for sure have overdosed and died by now.

 

Anyway the point is idk how I’m attracting all this money and this guy is on the street. It doesn’t make sense at all.

On 9/26/2023 at 4:55 PM, Mandy said:

As we touched on earlier I/you/we, Source/Awareness/God LOVE when stupid annoying shit happens because then it's there in front of us, ready to see. Instead of like a rat that dies in the wall and stinks, you can clean up the dog shit cause there's nothing more honest than a dog that shits right in the middle of the floor, like "you didn't let me out, so here you go." Source doesn't try to hide anything, it's all outright, you're the one thinking it's "real", "material", "some else's problem", and you deny the gift of Awareness of what you really want. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Kevin]

49 minutes ago, Phil said:

@Kevin

Glad to hear from ya.  I love ya man, and as your friend I have to ask, have you considered staying at a rehabilitation center? I think that would be the best thing. I don’t think this is something that’s best for anyone to try to work through without wrap around support & a well thought out tried & true program in place. I think allowing people to help in this way is the best way to go. This isn’t a ‘knock’ in anyway against you. Not at all. I hope it’s not taken that way at all. It’s the substance(s). Some are too addictive and it’s not a fair fight. 

No it’s not taken that way at all. I really appreciate the concern. I have considered rehab. I looked into it. All the ones in Reno seem really shitty. There’s some good ones out of state but it’s just a lot. Like I gotta worry about moving and then I gotta travel to some rehab where I’m basically stuck there for a month. I don’t think it’s gotten bad enough to where I want to do that.

 

I would definitely do it though if it got bad. Like if I keep smoking crack i will go to rehab but I think I can stop.

[Mandy]

8 hours ago, Kevin said:

I have been trying to listen to my feelings. Like I said to Phil, I haven’t been spiraling as much this time even though I smoked crack again because I realize I just fucked my brain up and so all the thoughts about how bad things are, are just temporary.

Awesome. Any emotion that doesn't feel good is an indicator of "you're drunk, go home" when it comes to believing thoughts. 

8 hours ago, Kevin said:

 

I agree with you but when I think about what the lesson is and how to forgive them and love them, I feel like I’m gaslighting myself into accepting a shitty situation.

Gaslighting is telling someone that what they saw or know to be true is false and that they've got things mixed up, and can't trust themselves. The person questions what they know and starts to believe that they cannot trust themselves. Compare that to what I said above by using the EMOTION or feeling, NOT what anyone else says, or not what you yourself WANT to believe, as the indicator to not distrust are try to oppose or refute the thought, but simply to drop the thought, just for now. 

 

The gaslighting is telling yourself it's ok, because it feels very much NOT ok, and therefore averting more from the feeling. Just drop the thought about it like a hot potato and feel. When the dog barks and you have one hour of sleep, FEEL the rage, don't think about the dog/roommate/situation as the source of the bad feeling. Trying to love them from that place is futile and it's just thinking when what's asked for it feeling. "You're drunk, go home." 😂 Go home, focus on your breath, find the source of the discomfort in the body, feel the rage move through you, let it burn you up let a moth to the flame.

8 hours ago, Kevin said:

But that doesn’t feel 100% aligned because I still hate this dog. I couldn’t sleep until like 5 am last night and around 6 I wake up to that dog barking and I was just filled with rage. 

 Why couldn't you sleep until 5AM? Is it the dog's fault that it wakes up at 6:00AM, when 6:00AM is a very natural time to wake up? If you were living out in nature without black out curtains, walls, street lights, concrete, etc, you'd be waking and sleeping with the sunrise and sunset. The dog is less able to disconnect from nature than its human counterparts. Is that a flaw on its part? 

 

List everything the dog needs to have a good life, to be properly taken care of. What does the roommate need to do for it?  How much of that stuff on the list are you providing for yourself? Dogs become miserable to live with if you aren't caring for them properly, but often people think it's because the dog is "bad". How incredibly revealing for how we often treat and think of ourselves. BTW, if you want kids someday, kids are dogs to the power of 100 in this way. Much, much easier to first see how dogs are mirroring you than the kid. I'm not saying the dog is your responsibility, I'm saying it's your mirror. Put your own oxygen mask on first. 

 

Also again, not saying to not fully embrace that rage or the subsequent blame in allowing it to be felt as it arises. 

 

8 hours ago, Kevin said:

Even off my antidepressants. They never helped much anyway besides my sleep.

Have you looked into melatonin? 

8 hours ago, Kevin said:

However my dad is very wealthy and he’s always been very generous with me and my siblings. So I think in some ways I won the lottery on parents and in some ways things could have been better.

This might seem really weird but have you ever considered how maybe it's neither lucky nor unlucky to have been born into money or poverty? It might be helpful to go into why it's unlucky if you haven't considered it before, because you might move through some desires and independence that others born into families without much wealth got to feel that you never did. Mourn that loss, and realize that now you can explore it fully. Privelledge is just one possible limitation. But you know what limitations actually are? Unfettered creative freedom. 

8 hours ago, Kevin said:

I had crazy respect for him that he’s still here. If I had gone through that I would for sure have overdosed and died by now.

Why do you say that? Why do you believe that? If you were him would you be anything other than him? Maybe he's a mirror of your own resiliency, and you're a mirror of his own youth and inherent wealth. 

 

You didn't have to work for wealth or prove yourself, it was just granted. And you sure as hell don't have to work or prove yourself for love. 

[Phil]

10 hours ago, Kevin said:

No it’s not taken that way at all. I really appreciate the concern. I have considered rehab. I looked into it. All the ones in Reno seem really shitty. There’s some good ones out of state but it’s just a lot. Like I gotta worry about moving and then I gotta travel to some rehab where I’m basically stuck there for a month. I don’t think it’s gotten bad enough to where I want to do that.

 

I would definitely do it though if it got bad. Like if I keep smoking crack i will go to rehab but I think I can stop.

With respect, I think it’s already gotten bad. I’m concerned for you and your health, well-being and future. I do sincerely care about you and suspect that the addictive level of the substance and the risks involved are being underestimated. From what I’m reading the withdrawal is unlike virtually any other substances and is most often overpowering. I’d don’t think that’s a reflection of you or what you’re capable of at all, it’s more like the size of the work ahead of you just isn’t a one person job. Like drywalling. It’s possible to do alone, but no one would ever recommend it. 4 x 8 sheets are just too heavy. Repairing some holes and doing some patching, sure one person job. But there’s some seriously heavy lifting ahead my man. 

 

In my observation there’s also the underlying unresolved interpretations and emotions which preceded the substance use. Rehabilitation facilities are ‘wrap around’ as in well thought out and comprehensive. They address and help with underlying aspects as well. They see the biggest picture and are aware of these aspects and are typically dedicated, passionate and invested in genuinely helping as likely most went through recovery themselves and or lost someone to drug use and were inspired with purpose. You also have support here in us as well in addition. 🤍 In a way, being virtually in between residences is an ideal time to take advantage of the resource of a facility. Maybe that dog is ‘saying’ go take care of yourself brother! Get the fullest support available!

 

Something to really consider if you haven’t is that many people who experience rehabilitation also leave the experience having healed the underlying which preceded the drug use, and go on to attract a partner and live happy & fulfilled lives. Many people also find God through rehabilitation of the person and go on to be a living inspiration of the power of God, positively effecting & influencing countless people. I have a very close friend who did just that and very shortly after her stay she met the man of her dreams, got married, had kids, and now they run a thriving business together. I’d be more than happy to put you in touch with her if you’re interested. I’m sure she wouldn’t mind answering any questions you might have and sharing what her experience was like.  I also wonder if you’ve spoken with or confided in any friends and family about this, if you have that support. If you do, I would do so. If not, talking to her would be ideal imo. 

 

You might also just give a call to some treatment centers, just to talk with them and ask whatever questions come to mind to get an idea of their program and attitude in how they go about it. Maybe at least call a few and see if anything resonates. From what I gather you come from an affluent family. Imo, utilizing all resources available means allowing financial support as well. There are some ‘higher end’ establishments and imo there is no better usage of finances than that of your well-being, happiness, goals and desires. It could lead to a deep and moving sense of inspiration and purpose. You might very well go on to help countless people.

 

If you’d like any help in looking at centers I’m here for ya, just let me know brother. More than happy to help. I sincerely do consider you are good friend. I think you’re a great guy with many positive and endearing attribute. I think the world of you and would love for you to see more & more of the goodness I see in you and be unburdened in as many ways as possible. At the end of the day it’s your decision of course, but again, please know there is love and support here for you my man. I / we only want the best for you. 

 

[Orb]

@Kevin when the last time you used crack? 

[Blessed2]

I agree with Phil.

 

Also with respect, not trying to scare or assume "I know better" or anything... But you're staring down the barrel. Crack is worst of the worst.

[Blessed2]

There is an Allen Carr's book on cocaine:

 

https://shop.allencarr.com/books/9781398808867/

 

I have found those books to be very insightful. Though it's not a substitute for a rehab center.

[Kevin]

13 hours ago, Orb said:

@Kevin when the last time you used crack? 

Around 26 and 27th of September. I did a little 24 hour binge

[Kevin]

13 hours ago, Blessed2 said:

I agree with Phil.

 

Also with respect, not trying to scare or assume "I know better" or anything... But you're staring down the barrel. Crack is worst of the worst.

Yeah I’m taking it seriously. Looking into rehab

[Phil]

18 hours ago, Kevin said:

Yeah I’m taking it seriously. Looking into rehab

👊🏼 🤍

 

How’s that going? Which one is the front runner so far?

[Kevin]

On 10/4/2023 at 6:27 AM, Phil said:

With respect, I think it’s already gotten bad. I’m concerned for you and your health, well-being and future. I do sincerely care about you and suspect that the addictive level of the substance and the risks involved are being underestimated. From what I’m reading the withdrawal is unlike virtually any other substances and is most often overpowering. I’d don’t think that’s a reflection of you or what you’re capable of at all, it’s more like the size of the work ahead of you just isn’t a one person job. Like drywalling. It’s possible to do alone, but no one would ever recommend it. 4 x 8 sheets are just too heavy. Repairing some holes and doing some patching, sure one person job. But there’s some seriously heavy lifting ahead my man. 

 

In my observation there’s also the underlying unresolved interpretations and emotions which preceded the substance use. Rehabilitation facilities are ‘wrap around’ as in well thought out and comprehensive. They address and help with underlying aspects as well. They see the biggest picture and are aware of these aspects and are typically dedicated, passionate and invested in genuinely helping as likely most went through recovery themselves and or lost someone to drug use and were inspired with purpose. You also have support here in us as well in addition. 🤍 In a way, being virtually in between residences is an ideal time to take advantage of the resource of a facility. Maybe that dog is ‘saying’ go take care of yourself brother! Get the fullest support available!

 

Something to really consider if you haven’t is that many people who experience rehabilitation also leave the experience having healed the underlying which preceded the drug use, and go on to attract a partner and live happy & fulfilled lives. Many people also find God through rehabilitation of the person and go on to be a living inspiration of the power of God, positively effecting & influencing countless people. I have a very close friend who did just that and very shortly after her stay she met the man of her dreams, got married, had kids, and now they run a thriving business together. I’d be more than happy to put you in touch with her if you’re interested. I’m sure she wouldn’t mind answering any questions you might have and sharing what her experience was like.  I also wonder if you’ve spoken with or confided in any friends and family about this, if you have that support. If you do, I would do so. If not, talking to her would be ideal imo. 

 

I’ve talked to friends about this. I intend on talking to family about it in the future when the issue is in the rear view. My family is mostly very ignorant about drugs and if they heard I was doing crack they would worry and that would stress me out. I never plan on telling my dad because he is 87 and he has dementia. I don’t think it would be helpful to have him involved in this at all.

 

Hopefully good things come out of rehab.

A lot of the places around Reno didn’t seem very good. For example on google maps there is a place called drug rehab with an address and a number but no reviews, pictures, or websites. However I found a place in Lake Tahoe, which is like an hour from me that seemed really quality.

https://elevaterehab.org/programs/inpatient/

On 10/4/2023 at 6:27 AM, Phil said:

You might also just give a call to some treatment centers, just to talk with them and ask whatever questions come to mind to get an idea of their program and attitude in how they go about it. Maybe at least call a few and see if anything resonates. From what I gather you come from an affluent family. Imo, utilizing all resources available means allowing financial support as well. There are some ‘higher end’ establishments and imo there is no better usage of finances than that of your well-being, happiness, goals and desires. It could lead to a deep and moving sense of inspiration and purpose. You might very well go on to help countless people.

 

If you’d like any help in looking at centers I’m here for ya, just let me know brother. More than happy to help. I sincerely do consider you are good friend. I think you’re a great guy with many positive and endearing attribute. I think the world of you and would love for you to see more & more of the goodness I see in you and be unburdened in as many ways as possible. At the end of the day it’s your decision of course, but again, please know there is love and support here for you my man. I / we only want the best for you. 

 

Thank you Phil. It means a lot that you care and that you try to help. Sorry for not responding sooner but I’ve been experiencing huge difficulty sleeping and then incredible exhaustion throughout the day. I’m pretty much all set to go to rehab. The only problem is that I need to move first. My application is in and I’ve been accepted. My new apartment is ready. But it is with the same company as the apartment I’m in now and they don’t want me to have 2 leases open with them at a time so one trying to work through that right now. But as soon as I’m done moving I’m gonna go most likely. I have a call with someone from the facility in like 20 minutes so I’ll learn more about the place.