Loneliness and smoking crack

[Mandy]

6 minutes ago, Kevin said:

I don’t know how to not be in a standoff when I feel resentment and when I feel isolated and alone.

Yes, you very much already do...

6 minutes ago, Kevin said:

But then I took some deep breaths and tried to relax to go to sleep and that helped.

 

[Kevin]

9 hours ago, Phil said:

Women interested in getting married and having kids aren’t looking for someone doing cocaine and crack. Most if not all women would see this as what wrecks families and marriages and not playing any role in consciously creating family and marriage. These do not fit together and I’ll tell you why…

 

Yes I wholeheartedly agree. I felt huge shame and guilt around doing it because I could see where continuing to smoke crack would lead and the suffering it would cause. I know I would not be interested in a women doing the same things.

I think crack is one of the only drugs where the hype around how bad it is, is real.

 

9 hours ago, Phil said:

Emotional connection is not a result or product of two or more people, it’s the direct result of connection with emotions directly, as in the emotions you’re experiencing. The extreme opposite of this is using cocaine and crack. These substances are used to not feel emotions. Believing one’s own rationalizations is opposite to feeling emotions, and therein opposite to alignment. 

 

I think there’s tremendous negative momentum going on here. And there has been for a while. And I’ve been looking for someone to save me. Projection is happening I guess. I don’t know why it’s so important to me to hold onto resentments but that’s a big part of it. And then expecting a women to come along to meet my emotional needs so then I can reject all the people I feel are not valuing me.

 

 Very toxic.

 

9 hours ago, Phil said:

Emotions resonate (or not) between people like tuning forks. It can seem like emotion is literally ‘between’ people but this is not the case. When two people acknowledge, embrace and take ownership of the emotions they are experiencing, that is communion, and sharing from communion is a pinnacle joy of creation. This is the same as saying, taking ownership for what you’re thinkin and how you’re thinkin about it.

 

My first thought is that it’s not fair. Why should I have to let go of resentments? Why can’t other people treat me better. I wouldn’t treat other people in the way I’m being treated. I felt that a lot with my mom when I was a child. 
 

Also that paragraph above isn’t a question. Logically I know I should let go of resentments. I’m just sharing what’s on my mind.

 

9 hours ago, Phil said:

Just for clarity sake incase there was miscommunication and or misunderstanding, I am most definitely not anyone’s ‘priority person’. It’s 100% the opposite. The support, at least in this marriage, is mutual help with cleaning up perspectives. Alignment. We’re under no allusions we’re feeling each other’s thoughts, and therein emotions, or ‘making each other happy or feel better’. We are not in denial of Source, as it were. Good feeling is God-Love, period, full stop, no exception. We are sharing our-being with each in our creation. We are in love as in these spheres are made of love, reality is love. 

 

Yes I think the priority person thing comes from feeling resentful that my friends take me for granted and then thinking that someone who prioritizes me will help me let go of the resentments.

9 hours ago, Phil said:

The discord is of the interpretations and seems to boil down to believing interpretations about being Alone. In actuality it’s the greatest feeling possible. It’s very literally exactly what you actually want. Wholeness, completeness, fulfillment, unconditionality, lucidity, wakefulness. This is already the case, and interpretations to the contrary, thoughts, obscure. This is felt. Emotions. Guidance Home. 

 

I would consider this drug use a very black & white issue. Non-ambiguous. I would proactively enter a rehabilitation center, and I wouldn’t communicate with friends doing these substances other than to suggest they do the same. 

 

None of my friend are smoking crack. Idk about a rehab center. On the one hand I like the feeling of being taken care of. I enjoy going to the hospital and getting surgery because it feels like people care about me. Rehab would be nice in that sense but idk if I need it. I thought I wouldn’t stop craving crack but the cravings went away by probably day 2 of being sober. I won’t be doing crack again so idk if I should do rehab.

9 hours ago, Phil said:

I’d also get real & take this entire experience as a reality check. A zen slap. Self-Love. 

 

You have held resentments. This is highly discordant with your being. Write down three aspects / things you appreciate about whoever it is you were previously resenting, each morning. Three more again in the afternoon. Don’t think about this (intellectual & rationalize), just do it. You are not aware of the degree judgements and the holding of resentments is shaping your life & the toll it’s taking on your communion. This will show you directly, first hand. 

 

I’ll do that. I’m sure I’m not aware of the full consequences of the resentment but I can feel some of it. It’s terrible. My jaw is clenched and my forehead feels right from all the thinking but holding onto resentment has got a serious hold on me. For some reason I believe it’s incredibly important that I don’t forgive. Idk why.

9 hours ago, Phil said:

Please don’t take any of what’s said here as ‘you shouldn’t say x, y or z’ forum wise. This is what it’s for. This is progress imo. Keep the sharing and expressing up. 🤍 Let the old empty out. 

 

Yeah I didn’t take it that way. This is like the only place where I can share almost 100% of my thoughts and I’m gonna keep doing that. And it I am very appreciative of this space and the support from everyone.

 

9 hours ago, Phil said:

Paying the bill was positioning for resentment and loathing. Same thing with emotions and loving, believing discordant thoughts about Yourself, and then expecting drugs or other people to somehow be solutions to that there is already no problem. The suffering is in the thoughts. Be aware of underlying intentions by being aware of how behaviors and actions are playing out, relative to what’s on your dreamboard, what you want. 

 

What do you mean about paying the bill? Are you saying I was setting myself up for resentment by paying it?

 

I can see the suffering is in the thoughts. For some reason taking attention from the thoughts and to just chilling and breathing feels like a monumental effort.

[Kevin]

38 minutes ago, Mandy said:

Yes, you very much already do...

 

You’re right actually lol. I just gotta do it.

[Phil]

@Kevin

Who do you resent most and why?

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Kevin]

8 hours ago, Phil said:

@Kevin

Who do you resent most and why?

 

 

 

 

 

 

My friends that didn’t pay me back. My mom. People in relationships.

 

Honestly though I think there is something wrong with me. Like I must have sleep apnea or something. I’ve been thinking about my behavior lately and it’s not normal. I sleep so much but when I wake up I feel like I’m in fight or flight and I don’t want to get out of bed. I wake up a ton throughout the night. I feel constantly fatigued and tired. I have zero motivation to do anything. This is all very unusual. I’m also feeling very emotional and sensitive.

 

none of this is normal for me so I’m eager to get this checked out.

[Devin]

37 minutes ago, Kevin said:

My friends that didn’t pay me back. My mom. People in relationships.

 

Honestly though I think there is something wrong with me. Like I must have sleep apnea or something. I’ve been thinking about my behavior lately and it’s not normal. I sleep so much but when I wake up I feel like I’m in fight or flight and I don’t want to get out of bed. I wake up a ton throughout the night. I feel constantly fatigued and tired. I have zero motivation to do anything. This is all very unusual. I’m also feeling very emotional and sensitive.

 

none of this is normal for me so I’m eager to get this checked out.

Yeah, figure out the sleep, it will wreak havoc on your emotions and thinking. Excercise, eat good, meditate, yoga, have a daily routine to stay on better schedule,....

[Phil]

1 hour ago, Kevin said:

Honestly though I think there is something wrong with me. Like I must have sleep apnea or something. I’ve been thinking about my behavior lately and it’s not normal. I sleep so much but when I wake up I feel like I’m in fight or flight and I don’t want to get out of bed. I wake up a ton throughout the night. I feel constantly fatigued and tired. I have zero motivation to do anything. This is all very unusual. I’m also feeling very emotional and sensitive.

 

none of this is normal for me so I’m eager to get this checked out.

For sure, get checked out. It could be related to doing drugs and throwing your sleep schedule out of whack too. 

 

1 hour ago, Kevin said:

My friends that didn’t pay me back. My mom. People in relationships.

I understand the Venmo factor, but why did you offer to pay for everyone at all?

 

Why do you resent your mom and people in relationships?

[Orb]

 

[Kevin]

On 9/23/2023 at 4:56 PM, Phil said:

For sure, get checked out. It could be related to doing drugs and throwing your sleep schedule out of whack too. 

 

I understand the Venmo factor, but why did you offer to pay for everyone at all?

 

Why do you resent your mom and people in relationships?

Went to bed at 10 last night. Woke up repeatedly throughout the night. Slept till 1. Still exhausted somehow. Forced myself to go to the gym. Barely had the energy to workout even though I haven’t worked out in at least 10 days. I’m feeling pretty hopeless. I have no drive or energy for anything. All I want to do is sleep and when I’m not asleep I don’t want to leave my bad. Something’s wrong.

 

Anyway I didn’t offer to pay. My friend asked me if I could put it on my card and they’d Venmo me so that’s what I did. I actually saw my friend last night and he payed me back. However as I’m typing this I just realized he didn’t pay me for his girlfriends club ticket. Honestly pissed about that but only because of this exhaustion. Normal me wouldn’t care. So honestly that’s not something I need to dwell on.

 

Anyway maybe I’m exhausted for psychosomatic reasons. Maybe the weight of how I think the world is, is really getting to me idk.

 

Anyway I resent people in relationships sometimes because I feel like I have so much to offer normally. Right now I don’t. Right now I just want to go to sleep for like 6 months. But normally I feel like I have so much to offer in a relationship. In terms of love and other things like I can afford to take a girl on crazy vacations for example. And I think I’m a pretty fun person to be around.

 

I feel resentful because even with all I have to offer I still struggle to find a relationship and it seems like so many other people just trip and fall into relationships. Ugly people, people that are broke, etc. And then the whole belief around value is such a weight. But I don’t know how else to view dating. It really seems like dating for most people is all about value. Then my value is constantly in question. For example, no girl wants to date a guy who can’t get out of bed until 1. And so right now I just want to feel back to my normal energetic self because my value is super in question right now.

 

I’ve resented my mom since I was a kid. And as I got older I realized that’s not productive. You just gotta let shit go and forgive people. But at the same time I don’t really want to even though I know that’s what you gotta do to feel better. And then I feel guilty for not being more connected with her. I hardly ever call or text her but I don’t really enjoy talking with her. Like that good feeling I get from talking with friends or even random people I meet at jiu jitsu or the gym or wherever. When I talk with her I don’t get that. In fact it’s kind of a drag talking to her. And then I feel guilty about that. Idk it’s complicated.

[Kevin]

23 hours ago, Orb said:

 

Take impala is great. The lyrics on this one are awesome too.

[Phil]

14 minutes ago, Kevin said:

Went to bed at 10 last night. Woke up repeatedly throughout the night. Slept till 1. Still exhausted somehow. Forced myself to go to the gym. Barely had the energy to workout even though I haven’t worked out in at least 10 days. I’m feeling pretty hopeless. I have no drive or energy for anything. All I want to do is sleep and when I’m not asleep I don’t want to leave my bad. Something’s wrong.

(3 stages of crack / cocaine withdrawal.) I would give that a read as not to underestimate and information can help curb ‘spiraling’ by connect the dots to withdrawal. I’d see a doctor too, to see what they can do to help. There are also treatment centers, treatment plans and a support number in that link. The symptoms you’ve mentioned are mentioned. 

 

14 minutes ago, Kevin said:

 

Anyway I didn’t offer to pay. My friend asked me if I could put it on my card and they’d Venmo me so that’s what I did. I actually saw my friend last night and he payed me back. However as I’m typing this I just realized he didn’t pay me for his girlfriends club ticket. Honestly pissed about that but only because of this exhaustion. Normal me wouldn’t care. So honestly that’s not something I need to dwell on.

👍🏼 Totally. Take care of yourself. 

 

14 minutes ago, Kevin said:

 

Anyway maybe I’m exhausted for psychosomatic reasons. Maybe the weight of how I think the world is, is really getting to me idk.

I would chalk everything and anything up to the withdrawal for the time being. I’d also have steps in place to follow ahead of time in case the temptation to use again gets to be too much. 

 

14 minutes ago, Kevin said:

 

Anyway I resent people in relationships sometimes because I feel like I have so much to offer normally. Right now I don’t. Right now I just want to go to sleep for like 6 months. But normally I feel like I have so much to offer in a relationship. In terms of love and other things like I can afford to take a girl on crazy vacations for example. And I think I’m a pretty fun person to be around.

 

I feel resentful because even with all I have to offer I still struggle to find a relationship and it seems like so many other people just trip and fall into relationships. Ugly people, people that are broke, etc. And then the whole belief around value is such a weight. But I don’t know how else to view dating. It really seems like dating for most people is all about value. Then my value is constantly in question. For example, no girl wants to date a guy who can’t get out of bed until 1. And so right now I just want to feel back to my normal energetic self because my value is super in question right now.

I don’t get the ‘value’ thing. Never have. It just seems like the idea or concept only. Objectifying basically. I’d question the relationship success of the source of that way of thinking, but I digress. 

 

14 minutes ago, Kevin said:

 

I’ve resented my mom since I was a kid. And as I got older I realized that’s not productive. You just gotta let shit go and forgive people. But at the same time I don’t really want to even though I know that’s what you gotta do to feel better. And then I feel guilty for not being more connected with her. I hardly ever call or text her but I don’t really enjoy talking with her. Like that good feeling I get from talking with friends or even random people I meet at jiu jitsu or the gym or wherever. When I talk with her I don’t get that. In fact it’s kind of a drag talking to her. And then I feel guilty about that. Idk it’s complicated.

Forgiveness and letting resentments go aren’t really for an other but for you. What works best ime is writing three things you appreciate about them. But like you said, now’s not really the time to think much about it. Feel for ya brother. Imo you are a great guy. Handsome, funny, charismatic. This will pass, and you’ll find someone. No doubt. Hang in there! 🤗♥️♥️♥️

[Devin]

1 hour ago, Kevin said:

Went to bed at 10 last night. Woke up repeatedly throughout the night. Slept till 1. Still exhausted somehow. Forced myself to go to the gym. Barely had the energy to workout even though I haven’t worked out in at least 10 days. I’m feeling pretty hopeless. I have no drive or energy for anything. All I want to do is sleep and when I’m not asleep I don’t want to leave my bad. Something’s wrong.

 

Anyway I didn’t offer to pay. My friend asked me if I could put it on my card and they’d Venmo me so that’s what I did. I actually saw my friend last night and he payed me back. However as I’m typing this I just realized he didn’t pay me for his girlfriends club ticket. Honestly pissed about that but only because of this exhaustion. Normal me wouldn’t care. So honestly that’s not something I need to dwell on.

 

Anyway maybe I’m exhausted for psychosomatic reasons. Maybe the weight of how I think the world is, is really getting to me idk.

 

Anyway I resent people in relationships sometimes because I feel like I have so much to offer normally. Right now I don’t. Right now I just want to go to sleep for like 6 months. But normally I feel like I have so much to offer in a relationship. In terms of love and other things like I can afford to take a girl on crazy vacations for example. And I think I’m a pretty fun person to be around.

 

I feel resentful because even with all I have to offer I still struggle to find a relationship and it seems like so many other people just trip and fall into relationships. Ugly people, people that are broke, etc. And then the whole belief around value is such a weight. But I don’t know how else to view dating. It really seems like dating for most people is all about value. Then my value is constantly in question. For example, no girl wants to date a guy who can’t get out of bed until 1. And so right now I just want to feel back to my normal energetic self because my value is super in question right now.

 

I’ve resented my mom since I was a kid. And as I got older I realized that’s not productive. You just gotta let shit go and forgive people. But at the same time I don’t really want to even though I know that’s what you gotta do to feel better. And then I feel guilty for not being more connected with her. I hardly ever call or text her but I don’t really enjoy talking with her. Like that good feeling I get from talking with friends or even random people I meet at jiu jitsu or the gym or wherever. When I talk with her I don’t get that. In fact it’s kind of a drag talking to her. And then I feel guilty about that. Idk it’s complicated.

REST. Quit beating yourself up about it, you need rest, one night doesn't do it sometimes. Take it slow. Baby steps, nice tea, nice food, walk through the park or neighborhood, yoga when you're ready, meditation, .... Just do what you can, you'll get there.

Edited September 25, 2023 by Devin

[Orb]

1 hour ago, Kevin said:

Take impala is great. The lyrics on this one are awesome too.

Hell yeah, all my mushroom trips involve listening to tame impala at some point. 

 

Have you ever heard of the rat park experiment? 

 

Most people know of the cocaine rat experiment in which the rat got so addicted to coke she ended up dying because she would rather take coke than food/water. 

 

But there's a lesser known experiment in which they put multiple mice in a larger cage with toys and those hamsterwheel thingies and exposed all of the mice to coke. But this time the mice went back to drinking water and eating food instead of the coke, because they had their friends and toys. 

 

Drug use is isolation, being with people and living life to the fullest is communion 😇. It's very powerful, just sitting with your mom/dad/friend in the midst of suffering can be very healing, just going to work and talking with people can be very healing. 

[Kevin]

1 hour ago, Phil said:

(3 stages of crack / cocaine withdrawal.) I would give that a read as not to underestimate and information can help curb ‘spiraling’ by connect the dots to withdrawal. I’d see a doctor too, to see what they can do to help. There are also treatment centers, treatment plans and a support number in that link. The symptoms you’ve mentioned are mentioned. 

 

I read through the link. Thanks for that, I think my symptom check all the boxes for withdrawal. I always underestimate withdrawals. Like I assumed that to get withdrawals I’d have to be a daily user for a month. But looking at my use I did a lot. Wednesday the 13th I got a baggie later in the day. Probably around 5 and I took hits at least every 20 minutes until the following evening when I went to bed so that’s a lot of crack in one session.

 

Then last Sunday night, I got back from Vegas around 5. I picked up a bag and I smoked crack all night and all day the next day. So I think I fell asleep last Monday close to midnight. So it’s been a week since I did crack but I did a lot and so I think I’m just going through withdrawals. I know cocaine does something with dopamine so that’s probably why I have no desire to do anything.

 

Again I really appreciate you mentioning the withdrawals. I completely dismissed that as an option until I read the link.

 

 

1 hour ago, Phil said:

👍🏼 Totally. Take care of yourself. 

 

I would chalk everything and anything up to the withdrawal for the time being. I’d also have steps in place to follow ahead of time in case the temptation to use again gets to be too much. 
 

Agreed. And not gonna lie I’ve thought about using it again. I even had a dream where I smoked it. But I’m pretty confident I can avoid it. A few days ago I went to the casino with some friends and they were doing lines of coke and I easily said no. I don’t think I can even snort cocaine anymore because smoking it was so much better. I know if I do a line I'm just gonna go get a bag and smoke it so I’m pretty confident I can say no.

1 hour ago, Phil said:

 

I don’t get the ‘value’ thing. Never have. It just seems like the idea or concept only. Objectifying basically. I’d question the relationship success of the source of that way of thinking, but I digress. 

 

What do you mean by question the relationship success of the source of that way of thinking? Sorry maybe I’m dumb rn but I don’t follow.

 

And I think the value thing comes from my first girlfriend breaking up with me for a guy who I perceived as tougher than me and cooler than me. So I started believing in value. In then years of indoctrination from watching pickup videos in college. I don’t watch those anymore and haven’t for a long time.

 

1 hour ago, Phil said:

Forgiveness and letting resentments go aren’t really for an other but for you. What works best ime is writing three things you appreciate about them. But like you said, now’s not really the time to think much about it. Feel for ya brother. Imo you are a great guy. Handsome, funny, charismatic. This will pass, and you’ll find someone. No doubt. Hang in there! 🤗♥️♥️♥️

Yup thanks man. Realizing I’m just going through withdrawals is a huge weight off already. Thanks again🙏❤️

[Kevin]

1 hour ago, Devin said:

REST. Quit beating yourself up about it, you need rest, one night doesn't do it sometimes. Take it slow. Baby steps, nice tea, nice food, walk through the park or neighborhood, yoga when you're ready, meditation, .... Just do what you can, you'll get there.

I’m glad I worked out today. After reading Phil’s comment I believe I’m experiencing withdrawals. Even tho I only did 2 crack binges, I did a lot in those binges. Everything on the list of withdrawal symptoms I’m experiencing.

 

Being patient with myself and slowly getting back to my routine is gonna help a lot.

[Kevin]

53 minutes ago, Orb said:

Hell yeah, all my mushroom trips involve listening to tame impala at some point. 

 

my favorite tame impala song is the less I know the better. Great song but really sad lyrics if you pay attention to them. Also random question but have you tried acid? I feel like everyone on the forum and all my friends in real life do mushrooms and no one talks about acid but I think it’s way better than mushrooms. I might make a thread on that actually.

53 minutes ago, Orb said:

Have you ever heard of the rat park experiment? 

 

Most people know of the cocaine rat experiment in which the rat got so addicted to coke she ended up dying because she would rather take coke than food/water. 

 

But there's a lesser known experiment in which they put multiple mice in a larger cage with toys and those hamsterwheel thingies and exposed all of the mice to coke. But this time the mice went back to drinking water and eating food instead of the coke, because they had their friends and toys. 

 

I’ve heard of that and it makes complete sense. Times in my life where I’m connected I don’t feel like doing much drugs. Lately I’ve been alone a lot and when I’m alone a lot I can get self destructive.

 

In college I did crack probably twice but I didn’t go on binges like this time and I quit way quicker than I did this time because I had more friends around me.

53 minutes ago, Orb said:

Drug use is isolation, being with people and living life to the fullest is communion 😇. It's very powerful, just sitting with your mom/dad/friend in the midst of suffering can be very healing, just going to work and talking with people can be very healing. 

You’re right man. I went to the casino the other night. I was in a terrible mood but I’ll admit it was nice and it got me out of my funk a little bit.

 

Also I don’t have a job. It’s mostly a blessing but in a small way it’s a curse having so much freedom. I try not to complain about it because I’m really blessed. And when I’m feeling good I have the motivation to work on my own projects like making music and I have the time for them.

 

but times like this there is nothing stopping me from staying in my bed for a month. Which gets very self destructive.

[Phil]

8 hours ago, Kevin said:

What do you mean by question the relationship success of the source of that way of thinking?

When listening to dating & relationship advice, consider if their views & perspectives on the subject are coming from the direct experience of happy healthy relationships.

 

Value as in shared values is one thing. Like if two people are dating and one values marriage, family and living in the city while the other values an open relationship, has no interest in marriage and family, and values living in the country.. this would be good to communicate early on. Value in this sense is more like preference. What they prefer, want to experience in life, what they desire - what they value.

 

This isn’t the same as objectifying, thinking of people as objects, such as my value and his or her value. That’s more of a self image / idea of self or selves based concepts & ideas about happy healthy relationships, not direct experience. Sometimes people learn to speak so convincingly that they mask underlying emotional suppression and unavailability as a disservice to themself and others without even realizing they are because the idea of themself is so strong. This usually plays out in relationships as surface level connection, denial, projection, stress & tension which all wraps around essentially defending and upholding an idea of themself.

 

Indirectly, the idea of who one is is based on who one is not. That ‘who one is not’ get’s projected onto others as who they are. As these ideas don’t pan out to be true, relationships can be, in kind, traumatic & difficult.

 

Relationship wise, this highlights the importance of self-awareness from introspection, emotional availability & vulnerability and honest open communication. Most often ongoing therapy is also effective & insightful in seeing what one isn’t seeing in this way. 

[Mandy]

@KevinWomen that are happy love to care for a man, and they also love to be cared for by a man. When we aren't feeling good, we don't want to do anything for you and we also don't want you to do anything for us. Don't open the fucking door for me, don't touch me, don't compliment me, don't anything. Maybe if I really, really don't care about myself I'll take your money, and pretend to like the other stuff, but I'm not going to appreciate you for it. All it is a sign that she just isn't feeling good. The same is true for you. 

 

There are couple things that in my experience really turn women, (at least the kind looking for a husband) on. One is when you're really good with kids or animals and we get to observe this. The other is when you're physically good at fixing things, building things, taking care of things, when you have a set mission and you're really focused on it. This is why firefighters with kittens calendars sell so well. I mention this to help put in context, connect the dots what I'm trying to say. 

 

Throughout this thread I cannot stop thinking about the roommate situation with the dogs. It's like the Universe is throwing at you the least intrusive possible task to complete to "level up" in this way. There's no commitment, they aren't your dogs, there's no reason you should do anything to help, have to do it, should guilt yourself into doing it. The fact that you're annoyed means it is true, you can't do anything for anyone else. Nor can you receive anything done for you by anyone else. I say this to be clear that this is IN NO WAY ANOTHER REASON TO FEEL GUILT, rather it's an indication of your vibration. So yeah, Mandy, I already know that, I don't feel great, that's well established.

 

Here's the thing, you absolutely don't first go to taking care of the dogs, or volunteering for habitat for humanity. Just write down a bunch of things you like doing. Is there a youtube channel or a comic you find hilarious? Music videos that inspire you? A shop you like to go to? A park you like to go to? Do you like a kind of chocolate bar? Write it all down.  Everyday you pick three things off that list and do them. Then you write down what you want in life, if you have a dreamboard use that. Now you just sit back and watch the ineffable magic of the fun stupid daily stuff list and the big dream list collapse and come together. 

 

Now to be clear, that's your list of stuff that's your dreamboard, and don't ever let anybody make you doubt anything that you want. I'm likely crossing a line to say this and might be projecting what's on my own dreamboard but with all that said, from what I see from here, I would strongly considering a complete shift of  moving out of the area you're in, not just the apartment. 

 

 

[Devin]

Oh yeah, get sunlight too, vitamin D

[Kevin]

8 hours ago, Phil said:

When listening to dating & relationship advice, consider if their views & perspectives on the subject are coming from the direct experience of happy healthy relationships.

 

Ah this makes sense. It is confusing because it the pickup community from what I’ve experienced. The guys who get into it have a lot of internal traumas and resentments and insecurity that needs to be worked through. However the guys generally claiming to be teachers of it, most of them aren’t in long lasting happy relationships. However all of the ones teaching it, from what I can gather, are having a lot of sex. Which to me isn’t the end goal but it’s a start. It’s better than nothing.

 

And from what I’ve seen from direct experience. I’ve met and gone out with 2 of these guys multiple times. And while they aren’t in happy long lasting relationships, they are easily able to attract and sleep with women. Perhaps the reason they aren’t in long term relationships is because it’s their job to make pickup content and teach people and so a lot of women are probably turned off by that long term.

 

so for me that’s why I looked to these guys for guidance and advice. Because obviously they are doing something that I am not.

8 hours ago, Phil said:

Value as in shared values is one thing. Like if two people are dating and one values marriage, family and living in the city while the other values an open relationship, has no interest in marriage and family, and values living in the country.. this would be good to communicate early on. Value in this sense is more like preference. What they prefer, want to experience in life, what they desire - what they value.

 

Totally agree. And recently I’ve become pretty clear on what I value in a women in that sense of the word. I used to think I just wanted to sleep with 100s of women but then I realized that came from resentment towards women and insecurity about my own self worth. Now I just want to find a good women with shared values.

8 hours ago, Phil said:

This isn’t the same as objectifying, thinking of people as objects, such as my value and his or her value. That’s more of a self image / idea of self or selves based concepts & ideas about happy healthy relationships, not direct experience. Sometimes people learn to speak so convincingly that they mask underlying emotional suppression and unavailability as a disservice to themself and others without even realizing they are because the idea of themself is so strong. This usually plays out in relationships as surface level connection, denial, projection, stress & tension which all wraps around essentially defending and upholding an idea of themself.

 

I guess my theory is these pickup guys certainly have some of this going on. However, they’ve gone out and talked to so many women that they learn to be charismatic in spite of whatever discordant beliefs may still be operating. This allows them to hook up all the time but maybe prevents deeper connection. Idk.

8 hours ago, Phil said:

Indirectly, the idea of who one is is based on who one is not. That ‘who one is not’ get’s projected onto others as who they are. As these ideas don’t pan out to be true, relationships can be, in kind, traumatic & difficult.

 

Relationship wise, this highlights the importance of self-awareness from introspection, emotional availability & vulnerability and honest open communication. Most often ongoing therapy is also effective & insightful in seeing what one isn’t seeing in this way. 

Yep going to therapy currently. My therapists is a woman too which I think will be beneficial.

and before all this crack stuff I was definitely working on vulnerability with girls. I met a girl at a bar and it seemed like she liked me so after a while I literally said “hey I’m bad at connecting with girls but you seem cool, tell me about yourself”.

 

idk it sounds weird in writing but I was trying to take off the social mask that I typically wear.