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Loneliness and smoking crack


Kevin

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So basically I’m going through a lot. I think that’s always the case though. Things have been getting worse and worse for me. I’ve been doing a lot of drugs lately. My nose was fucked up from snorting a lot of drugs at a festival and just in general day to day life. I had cocaine and I was sick of snorting it but I was bored and lonely and I wanted to get high.

 

In college I was friends with this guy who has since passed away. I smoked crack with him twice and one time he showed me how to turn coke into crack and it’s incredibly easy.

 

Oh also side note my birthday was on the 17th and last weekend I went to Vegas with friends. But before that I think Wednesday and Thursday I didn’t sleep at all. I was up for 2 days just smoking crack.

 

Then after I got back from Vegas Sunday around 5 pm I bought like 2 grams of coke and smoked that all night and all day Monday. Then basically I slept all day Tuesday and most of Wednesday. I woke up today around 5 or 6. I feel so much guilt and shame around it.

 

I told my friend when I was in Vegas that I smoked crack and I told him that I did it because basically I’m lonely a lot and I don’t care about myself. I crave emotional connection. I want to be in a group. I want to be married with kids.

 

when it’s just me I have to look out for I feel like I go crazy. Like I don’t care about myself. It’s crazy because I know for a fact if I had someone in my life that I loved I would never smoke crack. I probably wouldn’t do any drugs.

 

Anyway the feeling of smoking it was amazing but so incredibly not worth it. I feel so sad and so unmotivated. I just want to lay in bed and do nothing. But then I think about how I’m lazy and wasting my life.

 

And then I read Phil’s post about beating woman and I’m missing that so much. I’ve been missing it for years. Pretty much my entire life actually. There have definitely been times where I was feeling the connection but I think more of my life than not has been me feeling alone and isolated. And that’s why I do self destructive shit like hard drugs and why I hide in my room a lot. 
 

I just want to be someone’s priority person. I have some friends and family but I’m no one’s priority. I come second or third or 5th or 10th.

 

I’m so grateful for this forum though. I don’t know what I’d do without this place. I have pretty much no one and no other place I feel safe expressing this.

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@Kevin Its okay, youre gonna have setbacks, what helps the most is to stay focused on what you want and judge/shame yourself less about the crack use. 

 

Stimulants usually dont have long lasting withdrawals so you should be good if you wait a couple days. Im sure in a few days you'll be feeling refreshed as if you never smoked it. 

 

Use meetup.com to find friends and maybe even a girlfriend who knows 🙂. It's easy to use meetup and find a group that you share similar interests with. 

 

Imo it is important to have friends, they're a support network that can listen to you and help out sometimes. 

Edited by Orb

"Mediocrity is gone. Mind is clear of limitation. I seek no state of enlightenment. Neither do I remain where no enlightenment exists. Since I linger in neither condition, eyes cannot see me. If hundreds of birds strew my path with flowers, such praise would be meaningless."

A Comment on the 8th Ox Herding Picture

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@Kevin

 

You ever like looking at the sky? Whether a sunny and cloud day or starry night, sunrise, sunset? For me It's so..... like cathartic, in a way it makes me feel, in a good way, that I don't matter, we're all specs of dust, tiny, and in another way it makes me feel so loved, so number one for the universe, this little speck of dust getting to have choice in what I experience, even if it's just what I look at, I feel loved by it Kevin, when I look at the sky, or just watch a bustling city, or a park area, the swaying trees, loved, not by the people, just loved period, how am I here with all of this I'm experiencing.

 

You can't lose at life Kevin, you can't win either, 100 years, 1,000 years, 20 years after any of us die nothing we'll have done will really matter. So, don't beat yourself up for lack of motivation, it breaks my heart hearing that, there's nothing you need to do Kevin, the universe is going to do what it's going to do no matter what you or anyone does, an asteroid tomorrow can destroy all of earth, a natural disaster in your city destroys it, I don't mean to say that to be bleak, I mean what we do doesn't matter because of how powerful the universe is and how meek we are, to me, that makes me feel loved by the universe, we're at it's mercy yet we're still here, with this amazing sky to experience. The universe loves us, me, you. It also releases me to enjoy life, live a life of enjoyment, do what I want right now.

 

The entire human race WILL be destroyed one day, even if it's in a million, or 5 thousand years, why do we care about building up whatever we are building, cities, whatever, why care about those, it will all be destroyed, let's just live in joy. The universe is allowing us to live now, we're at it's mercy, what's to say living in joy now and 'failing', creates a different result than building whatever, colonizing Mars,... the universe created us once it can obviously do it again, it has all eternity, it will create it again and again and again, it has all eternity, even if all of the galaxies explode, there's still all eternity for them.to assemble again and again and again, what I mean is, nothing matters, just enjoy, I'm not saying do drugs, I'm hoping to help release you from the anxiety that compels you to do them, I'm hoping you'll rather enjoy a walk in the park, a nice cold glass of water, saying a loving "hi" to a passerby, loving yourself Kevin, forgiving yourself, allowing yourself grace and compassion, living a simple life with friends and creating a family.

Edited by Devin
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What were your friends doing in Vegas? Why did you end up doing drugs instead of spending time with friends if that's why you went? Was this also what the friends came there to do? Are these friends actually people you like, or people you're seeking to be liked from? 

 

Sleep is nonnegotiable. It's exponentially harder to watch your thoughts, or do anything to move forward in life if you aren't putting that first. If you care about being happy, feeling good or anything at all, sleep has got to come first. It's more important than diet. Make sure you've got the foundation covered, at least 7 hours of sleep, the same time every single 24 hour period. 15 minutes meditation first thing in the morning. 80% healthy diet, 20% leeway in the foods you eat. If that's too much make sleep the only nonnegotiable. Otherwise it's like building a house on concrete without waiting for it to set first.

 

5 hours ago, Kevin said:

I just want to be someone’s priority person. I have some friends and family but I’m no one’s priority. I come second or third or 5th or 10th.

Why is this something you think would feel good, what at its core feels good about the desire when you focus on it? How would you know if you accomplished it? 

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Allen Carr's Easyway Method is the number one for all addictions. I think they have a program for cocaine: https://www.allencarr.com/en-us/easyway-drug-addiction-help/

 

They might also have a book for drug addiction, not sure. I know for certain they have one for smoking and drinking. You might want to check those out too.

 

What you're experiencing is addiction. It's as simple as that. And you're not alone in this.

 

The drug isn't helping you to cope with suffering. It's causing the suffering. And then it's acting as if it's helping or supporting you.

 

I very, very much recommend you at least get familiar with the Allen Carr's method. It's the one that truly liberates. No willpower needed. It truly sets you free.

 

There must be an effortless way.

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11 hours ago, Orb said:

@Kevin Its okay, youre gonna have setbacks, what helps the most is to stay focused on what you want and judge/shame yourself less about the crack use. 

 

Stimulants usually dont have long lasting withdrawals so you should be good if you wait a couple days. Im sure in a few days you'll be feeling refreshed as if you never smoked it. 

 

Use meetup.com to find friends and maybe even a girlfriend who knows 🙂. It's easy to use meetup and find a group that you share similar interests with. 

 

Imo it is important to have friends, they're a support network that can listen to you and help out sometimes. 

Yeah I was gonna look into support groups too. For like drug use like narcotics anonymous. On the bright side I’m pretty sure I never wanna smoke crack again. But right now I have no motivation. I don’t even want to get out of bed.

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10 hours ago, Devin said:

@Kevin

 

You ever like looking at the sky? Whether a sunny and cloud day or starry night, sunrise, sunset? For me It's so..... like cathartic, in a way it makes me feel, in a good way, that I don't matter, we're all specs of dust, tiny, and in another way it makes me feel so loved, so number one for the universe, this little speck of dust getting to have choice in what I experience, even if it's just what I look at, I feel loved by it Kevin, when I look at the sky, or just watch a bustling city, or a park area, the swaying trees, loved, not by the people, just loved period, how am I here with all of this I'm experiencing.

 

You can't lose at life Kevin, you can't win either, 100 years, 1,000 years, 20 years after any of us die nothing we'll have done will really matter. So, don't beat yourself up for lack of motivation, it breaks my heart hearing that, there's nothing you need to do Kevin, the universe is going to do what it's going to do no matter what you or anyone does, an asteroid tomorrow can destroy all of earth, a natural disaster in your city destroys it, I don't mean to say that to be bleak, I mean what we do doesn't matter because of how powerful the universe is and how meek we are, to me, that makes me feel loved by the universe, we're at it's mercy yet we're still here, with this amazing sky to experience. The universe loves us, me, you. It also releases me to enjoy life, live a life of enjoyment, do what I want right now.

 

The entire human race WILL be destroyed one day, even if it's in a million, or 5 thousand years, why do we care about building up whatever we are building, cities, whatever, why care about those, it will all be destroyed, let's just live in joy. The universe is allowing us to live now, we're at it's mercy, what's to say living in joy now and 'failing', creates a different result than building whatever, colonizing Mars,... the universe created us once it can obviously do it again, it has all eternity, it will create it again and again and again, it has all eternity, even if all of the galaxies explode, there's still all eternity for them.to assemble again and again and again, what I mean is, nothing matters, just enjoy, I'm not saying do drugs, I'm hoping to help release you from the anxiety that compels you to do them, I'm hoping you'll rather enjoy a walk in the park, a nice cold glass of water, saying a loving "hi" to a passerby, loving yourself Kevin, forgiving yourself, allowing yourself grace and compassion, living a simple life with friends and creating a family.

Thanks for the beautiful heartfelt response. I definitely need some time sober. In the past I’ve been very appreciative of the little things. Things like the sky and the feeling I get after a workout.

 

I think I need more time sober and I actually need to meditate daily. I used to do that and it helped. I just feel very stressed right now and I’m not coping with it very well. I am very appreciative of this forum though and everyone in it.

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8 hours ago, Mandy said:

What were your friends doing in Vegas? Why did you end up doing drugs instead of spending time with friends if that's why you went? Was this also what the friends came there to do? Are these friends actually people you like, or people you're seeking to be liked from? 


 

Sorry maybe my writing wasn’t clear but I was with them the whole time in Vegas. I did the crack before that trip and after that trip. I didn’t do any in Vegas. I went with 3 friends. My friend from college. We used to be best friends. His girl friend. And his friend from high school who I’ve become friends with over the years.

 

These are generally people I like but there is something that’s been bothering me. The week before my birthday, they went on a trip to see another one of their friends for his birthday. This other guy makes good money but apparently he expected all his friends to pay for everything at his birthday weekend. Which they did. At my birthday though they didn’t pay for anything for me. That part didn’t bother me too much cuz I have plenty of money. The part that bothered me was that we went to a nice steakhouse and the total bill came out to like 1200. I put it on my card and they said they’d Venmo me but only one of them did. The other two haven’t payed me back. Also I bought nightclub tickets that came out to be like 500 total. The guy I’m least friends with out of the group payed me back for all that immediately. But the guy I’ve been friends with since college and his girlfriend I had to ask them and the gf still hasn’t payed me back.

 

I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable but I feel pretty taken for granted and I feel like that’s pretty wack. And honestly I feel pretty resentful about that. That they would pay for this guys birthday but then I have to ask them repeatedly to even get payed back. It feels very fake from them.

 

8 hours ago, Mandy said:

Sleep is nonnegotiable. It's exponentially harder to watch your thoughts, or do anything to move forward in life if you aren't putting that first. If you care about being happy, feeling good or anything at all, sleep has got to come first. It's more important than diet. Make sure you've got the foundation covered, at least 7 hours of sleep, the same time every single 24 hour period. 15 minutes meditation first thing in the morning. 80% healthy diet, 20% leeway in the foods you eat. If that's too much make sleep the only nonnegotiable. Otherwise it's like building a house on concrete without waiting for it to set first.


 

sleep is becoming my priority for sure. I’ve been sleeping a lot since stopping the drugs. I gotta I make my bedtime more consistent though. I hope to fall asleep at 11.

8 hours ago, Mandy said:

Why is this something you think would feel good, what at its core feels good about the desire when you focus on it? How would you know if you accomplished it? 

I think it would feel good because it has in the past. I stayed in a very toxic relationship way too long just because of how good it felt in those moments where I was her priority.

 

At its core what feels good about it is loving and being loved by someone just feels nice. The thought of it feels great.

 

I would know I accomplished it when i have friends who value and prioritize me and I have a girlfriend who values and prioritizes me.

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5 hours ago, Blessed2 said:

Allen Carr's Easyway Method is the number one for all addictions. I think they have a program for cocaine: https://www.allencarr.com/en-us/easyway-drug-addiction-help/

 

They might also have a book for drug addiction, not sure. I know for certain they have one for smoking and drinking. You might want to check those out too.

 

What you're experiencing is addiction. It's as simple as that. And you're not alone in this.

 

The drug isn't helping you to cope with suffering. It's causing the suffering. And then it's acting as if it's helping or supporting you.

 

I very, very much recommend you at least get familiar with the Allen Carr's method. It's the one that truly liberates. No willpower needed. It truly sets you free.

Thanks man I’m not gonna do crack again. The amount of suffering I’m experiencing right now from just 2 crack sessions is crazy. I’m not touching that stuff again. I think I have more of a problem with benzos. I think I’d rather go to meetings like narcotics an anonymous. I like the community aspect of that honestly.

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2 hours ago, Kevin said:

I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable but I feel pretty taken for granted and I feel like that’s pretty wack. And honestly I feel pretty resentful about that. That they would pay for this guys birthday but then I have to ask them repeatedly to even get payed back. It feels very fake from them.

I also think that's really crappy. It kinda seems like you think there's something wrong with you for wanting to feel more belonging, and connection when you're hanging out with people who can't really offer that because of where they are at right now. I certainly wouldn't cut them off but I'd stop expecting a damn thing or true friendship behavior from them. You can have a lot of fun with people but not expect them to be there for you or be floored when they aren't. It's a lot more fulfilling to go into it with eyes wide open than trying to trust people and believing that they always have your best interests at heart. You're free to read each situation as it is. 

 

2 hours ago, Kevin said:

sleep is becoming my priority for sure. I’ve been sleeping a lot since stopping the drugs. I gotta I make my bedtime more consistent though. I hope to fall asleep at 11.

👍An alarm in the morning set everyday at the same time and respected helps enforce the bedtime too. 

 

2 hours ago, Kevin said:

I think it would feel good because it has in the past. I stayed in a very toxic relationship way too long just because of how good it felt in those moments where I was her priority.

 

At its core what feels good about it is loving and being loved by someone just feels nice. The thought of it feels great.

 

I would know I accomplished it when i have friends who value and prioritize me and I have a girlfriend who values and prioritizes me.

Why was it a toxic relationship? 

 

Rather than value and priority, does it feel better to reframe it as being completely present, listening completely, giving your full awareness to... or rather, being on the receiving end of this? Having someone wait on your every word? Has it ever occurred to you that basically like Devin suggested above, that this entire creation is already doing that for you? 

 

Is there a separate giving/getting, giver/getter thing really going on? 

 

 

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3 hours ago, Kevin said:

Thanks man I’m not gonna do crack again. The amount of suffering I’m experiencing right now from just 2 crack sessions is crazy. I’m not touching that stuff again. I think I have more of a problem with benzos. I think I’d rather go to meetings like narcotics an anonymous. I like the community aspect of that honestly.

Yes dude, stimulants can fuck you up so bad you'll be convinced you have depression or some kind of neurological issue until a few days pass and you realize it was the crash from coke/amphetamines.

 

I remember abusing amphetamines for a few days a long time ago and I was convinced I needed to get anti depressants until the withdrawals went away.

 

Also, have you considered waking up early, having some tea/coffee, going to the gym and lifting weights? That's a good way to start the day and speeds up healing ime.

Edited by Orb

"Mediocrity is gone. Mind is clear of limitation. I seek no state of enlightenment. Neither do I remain where no enlightenment exists. Since I linger in neither condition, eyes cannot see me. If hundreds of birds strew my path with flowers, such praise would be meaningless."

A Comment on the 8th Ox Herding Picture

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1 hour ago, Mandy said:

I also think that's really crappy. It kinda seems like you think there's something wrong with you for wanting to feel more belonging, and connection when you're hanging out with people who can't really offer that because of where they are at right now. I certainly wouldn't cut them off but I'd stop expecting a damn thing or true friendship behavior from them. You can have a lot of fun with people but not expect them to be there for you or be floored when they aren't. It's a lot more fulfilling to go into it with eyes wide open than trying to trust people and believing that they always have your best interests at heart. You're free to read each situation as it is. 


 

Very true. I don’t need to cut them off. It’s confusing because if I listen to what they say I’d think I’m their best friend. The advice I’ve given others many times which I need to pay attention to is to look at peoples behavior not their words.

 

1 hour ago, Mandy said:

👍An alarm in the morning set everyday at the same time and respected helps enforce the bedtime too. 


 

Yes I’m going to start doing this.

1 hour ago, Mandy said:

Why was it a toxic relationship? 


 

Probably both me and her. I liked her a lot and I wanted to be with her but was afraid to say it because I didn’t want to come across as needy or too much. And in hindsight she didn’t, and still doesn’t have the emotional maturity to be that women for me.


So I could have been much more assertive and gone for what I wanted but I think that relationship was doomed to fail. For example I found out way into dating her that the reason we hooked up the first time was so she’d have the courage to leave her boyfriend at the time. So I think both of us just didn’t know what we wanted.

 

1 hour ago, Mandy said:

Rather than value and priority, does it feel better to reframe it as being completely present, listening completely, giving your full awareness to... or rather, being on the receiving end of this? Having someone wait on your every word? Has it ever occurred to you that basically like Devin suggested above, that this entire creation is already doing that for you? 

 

I don’t know I guess that’s never occurred to me. It doesn’t really seem like it. But I don’t know.
 

1 hour ago, Mandy said:

Is there a separate giving/getting, giver/getter thing really going on? 

 

 

Probably not I don’t know though. 

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54 minutes ago, Orb said:

Yes dude, stimulants can fuck you up so bad you'll be convinced you have depression or some kind of neurological issue until a few days pass and you realize it was the crash from coke/amphetamines.

 

I remember abusing amphetamines for a few days a long time ago and I was convinced I needed to get anti depressants until the withdrawals went away.

 

Also, have you considered waking up early, having some tea/coffee, going to the gym and lifting weights? That's a good way to start the day and speeds up healing ime.

Definitely the amphetamine crash is terrible. Crack is the worst one I’ve experienced. I’ve gone on coke binges and adderall binges but this is the worst.

 

I’m starting to feel slightly better but you’re right getting up earlier and lifting weights or running is the move. I have a pretty good gym in my apartment complex. I’m gonna get up earlier tomorrow and work out.

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9 hours ago, Kevin said:

So I could have been much more assertive and gone for what I wanted but I think that relationship was doomed to fail. For example I found out way into dating her that the reason we hooked up the first time was so she’d have the courage to leave her boyfriend at the time. So I think both of us just didn’t know what we wanted.

Isn't that kind of the root of the situation? You want to know what you want, you want to be with someone who knows what she wants. It's a lot more empowering to know what you want than waiting to receive it from someone else before you feel it too. It's the old stand off thing again. 

 

9 hours ago, Kevin said:

I don’t know I guess that’s never occurred to me. It doesn’t really seem like it. But I don’t know.

I have a husband, two kids, a business with regular customers I interact with, friends, nearby family I visit everyday, a high maintenance dog, a youtube channel, community involvement, all that. Are the kids supposed to be my priority, or my husband? If it's the kid, which do I chose? None of that resonates at all. A lot of having a full life is giving my full attention and focus to whatever I'm doing, or whoever I'm with in the moment. If you break it down to the mundane present moment, what does relationship and priorities actually become? We have such lofty ideas of committed relationships, romantic relationships, "best" friends, friends, etc, but really all it comes down to is love in the moment. When all it comes down to is that, love is never missing. 

 

9 hours ago, Kevin said:

Probably not I don’t know though. 

When I start to feel off lately and I take the time to sit with it, or journal (or even draw with colored pastels on paper) it out, what always boomerangs back to me is that "this" (this life) is all just giving, and if I'm not giving I'm not getting. Otherwise it's the standoff again, I'm waiting to receive love before I will give it. Wait for No One. No one is coming. There are no credentials someone can grant you to be worthy of love, all you gotta do is give it to receive it, and by give it I mean allow yourself to feel it. 

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15 hours ago, Kevin said:

 The part that bothered me was that we went to a nice steakhouse and the total bill came out to like 1200. I put it on my card and they said they’d Venmo me but only one of them did. The other two haven’t payed me back. Also I bought nightclub tickets that came out to be like 500 total. The guy I’m least friends with out of the group payed me back for all that immediately. But the guy I’ve been friends with since college and his girlfriend I had to ask them and the gf still hasn’t payed me back.

 

I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable but I feel pretty taken for granted and I feel like that’s pretty wack. And honestly I feel pretty resentful about that. That they would pay for this guys birthday but then I have to ask them repeatedly to even get payed back. It feels very fake from them.

 

 

This doesn't make much sense to me, it almost feels like some details are missing. Like why not split the bill at the steakhouse, all of you pay there have separate checks, and why did you buy them club tickets? Was it because you were the one that invited them to those places, if so they may not have known the costs and might not be able to pay you back yet.

Edited by Devin
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On 9/21/2023 at 2:56 AM, Kevin said:

I want to be married with kids

Women interested in getting married and having kids aren’t looking for someone doing cocaine and crack. Most if not all women would see this as what wrecks families and marriages and not playing any role in consciously creating family and marriage. These do not fit together and I’ll tell you why…

 

On 9/21/2023 at 2:56 AM, Kevin said:

I crave emotional connection.

On 9/21/2023 at 2:56 AM, Kevin said:

I just want to be someone’s priority person. I have some friends and family but I’m no one’s priority. I come second or third or 5th or 10th

Emotional connection is not a result or product of two or more people, it’s the direct result of connection with emotions directly, as in the emotions you’re experiencing. The extreme opposite of this is using cocaine and crack. These substances are used to not feel emotions. Believing one’s own rationalizations is opposite to feeling emotions, and therein opposite to alignment. 

 

Emotions resonate (or not) between people like tuning forks. It can seem like emotion is literally ‘between’ people but this is not the case. When two people acknowledge, embrace and take ownership of the emotions they are experiencing, that is communion, and sharing from communion is a pinnacle joy of creation. This is the same as saying, taking ownership for what you’re thinkin and how you’re thinkin about it.

 

Just for clarity sake incase there was miscommunication and or misunderstanding, I am most definitely not anyone’s ‘priority person’. It’s 100% the opposite. The support, at least in this marriage, is mutual help with cleaning up perspectives. Alignment. We’re under no allusions we’re feeling each other’s thoughts, and therein emotions, or ‘making each other happy or feel better’. We are not in denial of Source, as it were. Good feeling is God-Love, period, full stop, no exception. We are sharing our-being with each in our creation. We are in love as in these spheres are made of love, reality is love. 

 

The discord is of the interpretations and seems to boil down to believing interpretations about being Alone. In actuality it’s the greatest feeling possible. It’s very literally exactly what you actually want. Wholeness, completeness, fulfillment, unconditionality, lucidity, wakefulness. This is already the case, and interpretations to the contrary, thoughts, obscure. This is felt. Emotions. Guidance Home. 

 

I would consider this drug use a very black & white issue. Non-ambiguous. I would proactively enter a rehabilitation center, and I wouldn’t communicate with friends doing these substances other than to suggest they do the same. 

 

I’d also get real & take this entire experience as a reality check. A zen slap. Self-Love. 

 

You have held resentments. This is highly discordant with your being. Write down three aspects / things you appreciate about whoever it is you were previously resenting, each morning. Three more again in the afternoon. Don’t think about this (intellectual & rationalize), just do it. You are not aware of the degree judgements and the holding of resentments is shaping your life & the toll it’s taking on your communion. This will show you directly, first hand. 

 

On 9/21/2023 at 2:56 AM, Kevin said:

I have pretty much no one and no other place I feel safe expressing this

Please don’t take any of what’s said here as ‘you shouldn’t say x, y or z’ forum wise. This is what it’s for. This is progress imo. Keep the sharing and expressing up. 🤍 Let the old empty out. 

 

Paying the bill was positioning for resentment and loathing. Same thing with emotions and loving, believing discordant thoughts about Yourself, and then expecting drugs or other people to somehow be solutions to that there is already no problem. The suffering is in the thoughts. Be aware of underlying intentions by being aware of how behaviors and actions are playing out, relative to what’s on your dreamboard, what you want. 

 

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9 hours ago, Devin said:

This doesn't make much sense to me, it almost feels like some details are missing. Like why not split the bill at the steakhouse, all of you pay there have separate checks, and why did you buy them club tickets? Was it because you were the one that invited them to those places, if so they may not have known the costs and might not be able to pay you back yet.

It was a really nice steakhouse they wouldn’t split the bill so my friend asked me if I could put it on my card and they would pay me back. Same with the club they asked me to buy the club tickets and said they would pay me back. 
 

also just an added detail, I bought the club tickets in advance. It wasn’t like we were at the door and they asked me to get it. You gotta get the tickets in advance.
 

come to think of it I don’t know why I was handling the logistics. It was my birthday

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10 hours ago, Mandy said:

Isn't that kind of the root of the situation? You want to know what you want, you want to be with someone who knows what she wants. It's a lot more empowering to know what you want than waiting to receive it from someone else before you feel it too. It's the old stand off thing again. 


 

Yes knowing what I want is key.

I guess I’ve been frustrated because I think for a while now I know what I want but it’s not happening. In college I had no clue at all what I wanted but there were girls I would date. Now I know what I want and nothings happening in that regard.

10 hours ago, Mandy said:

I have a husband, two kids, a business with regular customers I interact with, friends, nearby family I visit everyday, a high maintenance dog, a youtube channel, community involvement, all that. Are the kids supposed to be my priority, or my husband? If it's the kid, which do I chose? None of that resonates at all. A lot of having a full life is giving my full attention and focus to whatever I'm doing, or whoever I'm with in the moment. If you break it down to the mundane present moment, what does relationship and priorities actually become? We have such lofty ideas of committed relationships, romantic relationships, "best" friends, friends, etc, but really all it comes down to is love in the moment. When all it comes down to is that, love is never missing. 


 

I totally agree it all comes down to love in the moment. I seem to be in a standoff and seem to be missing it. I think there so much negative momentum I’m not seeing it. Last night when going to bed I was ruminating on how my friends didn’t pay me back. But then I took some deep breaths and tried to relax to go to sleep and that helped.

 

10 hours ago, Mandy said:

When I start to feel off lately and I take the time to sit with it, or journal (or even draw with colored pastels on paper) it out, what always boomerangs back to me is that "this" (this life) is all just giving, and if I'm not giving I'm not getting. Otherwise it's the standoff again, I'm waiting to receive love before I will give it. Wait for No One. No one is coming. There are no credentials someone can grant you to be worthy of love, all you gotta do is give it to receive it, and by give it I mean allow yourself to feel it. 

Yeah huge standoff happening right now in my life. I don’t know why this pattern occurs. But I feel that stand-off so much right now. And it’s really what’s been happening lately. I don’t know how to not be in a standoff when I feel resentment and when I feel isolated and alone. It’s like I’m expecting someone to come rescue me but yeah that’s not gonna happen. I know meditation helps but I haven’t been doing that.

journaling helps. Since I made this thread I’ve started to feel a little better. Not great but better for sure.

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