When I look into myself I found nothing but hate

[Tarak]

I have been semi-actively doing the work for a few years now. If I look back at those years, I can see a lot of progress, but there was one thing I didn't feel ready to say goodbye to: smoking cannabis.

 

I smoked cannabis for almost 25 years to repress childhood trauma and a few months ago I decided to quit. The first weeks were hard, but I had anticipated that. My body has to adjust to a life without THC and it goes quite well, one day better than the other.

 

What is not going well is the infinite hate that has been coming to the surface. In the past I had lots of times where I lost control over myself, and I punched or kicked or headbutted the wall until I broke something. Since I quit smoking, those moments are happening every few days and the emotional load is becoming bigger by the day. I don't doubt I have it in me to kill someone. To be honest, if I didn't have a kid that adores me, I'd be one of those "nutty shooters" that kills dozens of people before blowing his own brains out.

 

The hate is starting to change me for the worse. Before I quit smoking I was a patient, loving dad who took his time to play games with his kid, listen to what he had to say, encourage him with trying different things. In a few months time I changed into a depressing guy who yells for the smallest thing that goes wrong, ignore my kid more and more and I kill his dreams with my cynicism.

 

I'm doubting if I should just start smoking again. I hate it that I seem to only be able to live a good life with it, but at the rate I'm destroying everything around me, if I don't start again, my end might be very near.

[Loop]

The ultimate addiction is the addiction to the I-thought.

The experience of hate is arising, there isn’t a you that it is arising in.
Notice this, & keep noticing it, over & over, the hate will transform ‘up the scale’. 
 

Go to the gym or find something to lift at home, fight with the weights, stabilize the weight on your shoulders, let it drop into the earth, let the Earth lift you back up. Get high on your own supply. Return attention to breathing in the belly, over & over. 
 

Show your kid what self-love is. 

Inspect the thoughts of self, all the time, not just when the hate arises. So that when it does arise, it may be seen. That thought isn’t actually about a me & the feeling ‘hate’ is Guidance about how the thought feels. 🤍
 

[James123]

@Tarak I had the same problem before enlightenment. And I realized that the "I" who is addicted the smoking or enlightened was an addiction itself. Don't smoke. Keep get angry, down, hit the bottom till NOTHING LEFT in you as you.

[Mandy]

What do you do in place of smoking? If we quit something we need to start doing something else instead. Do you meditate, journal, eat well, exercise, do you have a dreamboard, do you have a list of things you can refer to and do that generally result in feeling happy, relaxed, inspired? 

 

2 hours ago, Tarak said:

To be honest, if I didn't have a kid that adores me, I'd be one of those "nutty shooters" that kills dozens of people before blowing his own brains out.

 

The hate is starting to change me for the worse. Before I quit smoking I was a patient, loving dad who took his time to play games with his kid, listen to what he had to say, encourage him with trying different things. In a few months time I changed into a depressing guy who yells for the smallest thing that goes wrong, ignore my kid more and more and I kill his dreams with my cynicism.

 

 

I don't believe this. We may feel the emotion of discouragement or powerlessness or doubt, and we may write and express things like this, and it's good that we do. But it's not that you ARE this way or are locked into being this way, it's that you're expressing a desire of something else. Write what that something else is. 

 

Can you honestly tell me that you haven't felt love in some moment for your kid since quitting? What if the love is enough in the moment it's felt? What if you really are enough as you are? 

 

I accomplished some stuff I was proud of before becoming a parent and it hit me when my first kid was around 18 months that parenting would never ever be an achievement like I thought the other stuff was. I could pretend the other stuff was, and I could ignore this tiny little magical but high maintainance and frustrating human in search of things I could actually feel good about achieving, but this other human being would never be MY achievement. I could never, ever be a "good" parent because my kid was just  spirit, and sometimes I was seeing it clearly and other times I wasn't. I was not responsible for spirit. I could not control spirit. And I needed to feel that I was crushing it in these areas to feel good about myself. This lead to a lot of depression, a lot of workaholism, and even regretting that I ever had kids in the first place before I realized that there was just the present moment, there was just love and appreciation, and the present moment was the only place it could be found. I look for that, I tune for that rather than trying to be that good for someone else. But if I let myself just be spirit too, then we are both as we are, and that's great parenting only ever in the moment, without the bragging rights, pats on the back, self concepts, fears or effort. 

 

If you're killing you're little one's dreams, what dreams of yours have you killed with your cynicism? Did some parent or teacher do that for you? That would piss anyone off. Write em' down, forgive em' and stop killing them. 

[Blessed2]

Try Reiki, massage, acupuncture, essential oils, crystals, angel therapy, sound therapy, light therapy, or just regular psychotherapy or something like that.

 

I bet you would find it helpful.

 

Just take action.

[Blessed2]

Or maybe ASMR?

 

 

[Tarak]

I want to thank you all for the replies. I am only reacting to Mandy's reply since I don't know how to react to the others (yet).

 

2 hours ago, Mandy said:

What do you do in place of smoking? If we quit something we need to start doing something else instead. Do you meditate, journal, eat well, exercise, do you have a dreamboard, do you have a list of things you can refer to and do that generally result in feeling happy, relaxed, inspired? 

 

I don't believe this. We may feel the emotion of discouragement or powerlessness or doubt, and we may write and express things like this, and it's good that we do. But it's not that you ARE this way or are locked into being this way, it's that you're expressing a desire of something else. Write what that something else is. 

 

Can you honestly tell me that you haven't felt love in some moment for your kid since quitting? What if the love is enough in the moment it's felt? What if you really are enough as you are? 

 

I accomplished some stuff I was proud of before becoming a parent and it hit me when my first kid was around 18 months that parenting would never ever be an achievement like I thought the other stuff was. I could pretend the other stuff was, and I could ignore this tiny little magical but high maintainance and frustrating human in search of things I could actually feel good about achieving, but this other human being would never be MY achievement. I could never, ever be a "good" parent because my kid was just  spirit, and sometimes I was seeing it clearly and other times I wasn't. I was not responsible for spirit. I could not control spirit. And I needed to feel that I was crushing it in these areas to feel good about myself. This lead to a lot of depression, a lot of workaholism, and even regretting that I ever had kids in the first place before I realized that there was just the present moment, there was just love and appreciation, and the present moment was the only place it could be found. I look for that, I tune for that rather than trying to be that good for someone else. But if I let myself just be spirit too, then we are both as we are, and that's great parenting only ever in the moment, without the bragging rights, pats on the back, self concepts, fears or effort. 

 

If you're killing you're little one's dreams, what dreams of yours have you killed with your cynicism? Did some parent or teacher do that for you? That would piss anyone off. Write em' down, forgive em' and stop killing them. 

 

@MandyI do meditate, but have a harder time letting go and be silent. Normally, 45-60 mins fly by and now I give up after 20 mins of frustrating myself. I eat reasonably well, but have never been very active. I do force myself taking a daily walk in nature. Music is something that touches me and I try to play piano and sing a lot, but don't get the satisfaction that I normally get out from it.

 

I am very introverted and socially awkward (got my autism diagnosis when I was 40 after a complete shutdown). My parents killed my dreams before I was 10. Mental abuse was normal in my family. Most teachers I had were, to put it lightly, not very loving. Authority was gained by mentally breaking the children. I never had real friends, until I met my (now ex) wife, and felt lonely for most of my life. I have been treated like trash by most colleagues at work. I realize it's all connected: one negative experience brought me the next because that's what I expected/attracted. So yeah, I know where it's coming from, just not how to get over it.

 

Off course I feel love for my kid. It's without a doubt what is holding me together. I went through the phase you explained during his first years and learned a lot about myself and life. It was the start of my journey and I'm thankful that I got a couple of experiences that gave me insights in what "reality" is. During the first years I realized I was becoming a copy of my dad, but by learning and experiencing I became a decent to good dad.

 

What bothers me is that I'm regressing now. I'm a worse dad than a few months ago, because I can't cope with all the hate that is coming out. I know there is a source of pure love inside of me, but currently it's buried under a thick sludge of ... sadness, I guess.

[Dima]

@Tarak feels like there is a preference for blaming yourself. That's example of focusing on what doesn't feel good, try opposite - focusing on what feels good. If there is a belief that cannabis "solves" "your" "problems", maybe try something else: 5-MeO-DMT for example.... it may open the eyes that the only substance here is love/you, so nothing can help you but you.

[Tarak]

20 minutes ago, Dima said:

@Tarak feels like there is a preference for blaming yourself. That's example of focusing on what doesn't feel good, try opposite - focusing on what feels good. If there is a belief that cannabis "solves" "your" "problems", maybe try something else: 5-MeO-DMT for example.... it may open the eyes that the only substance here is love/you, so nothing can help you but you.

I don't think using another psychoactive substance is what I need. I never tried 5 MeO, but things like LSD and DMT, although giving me a great experience, make me very unstable and inflate my 'spiritual' ego. Where have we seen that before? 😄

 

Cannabis doesn't solve my problems, but greatly help me distancing from extreme emotions. With it, I feel like I'm part of "the whole". Without it, I feel like I'm detached from everything. I know it's because it was a habit for such a long time. That said: I had already lowered my use to very low amounts compared where I was coming from, and that went quite well. I was quite certain that quitting that last bit would be easy. It's frustrating, because I grew so much during the last years and it feels like I'm losing all my progress.

 

But yea, I need to focus more on what makes me feel good. It's just very hard to enjoy anything when reliving the old shit.

[Dima]

@Tarak what if you don't need anything and everything all right with you now? Just start from that place of wholeness, then you can just explore meditation, substances, etc, from the place of exploring/enjoyment rather than neediness. It's all good with you now, don't believe in thinking narrative that something is wrong, you can loose something - nothing to lose, it's all good now, deep breath, relax, love yourself.  

[Phil]

Hate is felt, and never found, because it’s not a thing, it’s an emotion. 

 

[solereproduction]

On 1/31/2023 at 12:04 PM, Tarak said:

I have been semi-actively doing the work for a few years now. If I look back at those years, I can see a lot of progress, but there was one thing I didn't feel ready to say goodbye to: smoking cannabis.

 

I smoked cannabis for almost 25 years to repress childhood trauma and a few months ago I decided to quit. The first weeks were hard, but I had anticipated that. My body has to adjust to a life without THC and it goes quite well, one day better than the other.

 

What is not going well is the infinite hate that has been coming to the surface. In the past I had lots of times where I lost control over myself, and I punched or kicked or headbutted the wall until I broke something. Since I quit smoking, those moments are happening every few days and the emotional load is becoming bigger by the day. I don't doubt I have it in me to kill someone. To be honest, if I didn't have a kid that adores me, I'd be one of those "nutty shooters" that kills dozens of people before blowing his own brains out.

 

The hate is starting to change me for the worse. Before I quit smoking I was a patient, loving dad who took his time to play games with his kid, listen to what he had to say, encourage him with trying different things. In a few months time I changed into a depressing guy who yells for the smallest thing that goes wrong, ignore my kid more and more and I kill his dreams with my cynicism.

 

I'm doubting if I should just start smoking again. I hate it that I seem to only be able to live a good life with it, but at the rate I'm destroying everything around me, if I don't start again, my end might be very near.

Free advice from an evolving sole not lost to the temptation to believe life isn't self evident. Evolving as one of  akind is an eternally changing the individual process for being alive conceived to decomposed in a universe of compounding results never duplicated twice.

 

Evolution of ideologies creates possibilties actual evolving isn't really how living evolved and society must train each great great grandchild to defend their previous 4 generations social behavior forward or humanity will fall prey to evil.  Life has a simple compounding rule, adapt to the moment or become extinct.  Humanity has laws ordering individuals to obey context or else.

 

A human brain is the evolved nucleus of their original fertilized cell. A human mind is what they learned to obey without question after birth. Eternal conflict induced by mankind working against perpetual balancing outcomes. Humanity's fatal intellectual flaw believing now isn't eternity.  

 

Silver lining to 400 generation gaps corrupted by the process of ignoring now is eternity, humans figured out a way to cheat adapt or become extinct if they stay honest about living as eternally separated now. I discovered this adapting between all the "alternate realities: and parallel universes suggested in academia, arts, economics, politics, religions, social justifications, ancestral doubt throughout history generating the self inflicted chaos, mayhem, madness,  misery pursuing power, wealth, fame through hope, faith, charity believing genetics didn't eternally separated the ancestries existing since dawn of civilization.

 

By body is filled with rage for being deceived my entire time being alive, but destroying the environment ends the ability to live forward being eternally separated now.  Self governance starts within your sole displacement and correcting behavior from following a believe until extinction can be corrected same way corruption educated people to stay in character last 7,000 years.

 

Past 30 years my short term memory has turned to crap, but the one thing I never forget is I exist living as eternally separated now.  Simple compounding results to evolving while never exceeding the moment here.  I learned everything I defend and protect is never the ame results twice. You cannot fear change because nothing stays what it was since arrival. This is how I discovered understanding the concept of the nucleus of my fertilized cell is the brain(organ of my body's central nervous system that controls internal functions to navigate live outside my flesh a body developed around until birth that manufactured my 6 senses. 5 physical and 1 overall sense of proportionately alive = self uniquely here between inception and extinction exactly as displaced and behaviog foward now.

 

Freedom from organized doubt held my ancestry hostage since dawn of civilization by persons within this species. I cannot know everyone involved so I quit remembering what I was educated to believe a greater good and started navigating time as a stationary entity the universe cycles through never repeating what results were accomplished to the point here.  Simple compounding results never the same total sum again. Eternal separation of actual reproduction always different forms shaped ancestrally present harnessing energy during the transformations of fertilized cells, zygotes, embryos, fetuses, infants, toddlers, adolescence, puberty, teens, adults, did or didn't become 1 of 2 parents, 1 of 4 grandparents, 1 of 8 great grandparents, 1 of 16 great great grandparents.

 

Each event works in series parallel time each results is alive in series parallel tine and it doesn't matter plant, animal, predator, prey, asexual, male, female means to reproduce replacements arriving one at a time changing total sum population forward "now.". Thermodynamics.

 

My point here is every brain never stops navigating as a sole results in its populaiton of ancestry and rest of one's species regardless variety within the ancestries populating space now.  

 

I discovered a serenity people of character only imagine possible practicing self deception to feel larger than just displaced in their own skin. That is what passive aggressive brain washing does philosophically, psychologically, in theory, in theology, by academia, art, economics, political wings, morality feet on the ground, social consensus protected by insubordination, treason, blasphemy against any reality governing tomorrows today.

 

Civil war doesn't harm reproductions, people just change what they mind using their original nucleus of their fertilized cell nativing space uniquely timed paart now in plain sight.

 

that is how I escape the eternal hell of organized doubt governing humanity now.  Your choice. martyr or hero serving humanity. either way one never learns missing links never existed in real time. Just ignored process of living as eternally separated biolgical replacements adapting to the moment here.

Peace in your own brain cradle to grave for everyone occupyingspace here and added from now on.

 

Erenity is the limitless ability to stay in balance, until always attempting to tip the scales to favor one idealist over all ideologies working at the same time.

 

Again free advice offered on a free forum, where in the last 16 years I get banned from most forums I join because people that believe now isn't eternity won't tolerate anyone saying it always was. I have always been the odd one out, I evened up being equally alive mutually evolving forward now.  I am never alone, for I am empathic to the silent majority.

Edited February 2, 2023 by solereproduction

[Mandy]

On 1/31/2023 at 5:13 PM, Tarak said:

@MandyI do meditate, but have a harder time letting go and be silent. Normally, 45-60 mins fly by and now I give up after 20 mins of frustrating myself. I eat reasonably well, but have never been very active. I do force myself taking a daily walk in nature. Music is something that touches me and I try to play piano and sing a lot, but don't get the satisfaction that I normally get out from it.

I get the benefit of "making ourselves" do something that we don't want to do. When I wake up feeling crappy for no reason like sickness or injury, I don't feel like doing my morning routine, but the morning routine shifts the day. If thought is coming on like a freight train "I don't want to mediate" might trick me into not letting go that thought, and then sitting in meditation where I am at the best possible place to see my thought attachment and get out  of that loop for the day. What Jesus said about to whom much is given more will be received and to he who has little what little he has will be taken was very true. All the resistance is is a thought I'm believing that doesn't feel good, and all that's required in going ahead and doing the thing anyway. Why not just sit for 15 minutes, set a timer, and don't expect anything but a time sitting up straight, getting in tune with your body and breathing deeply? 

 

On 1/31/2023 at 5:13 PM, Tarak said:

I am very introverted and socially awkward (got my autism diagnosis when I was 40 after a complete shutdown). My parents killed my dreams before I was 10. Mental abuse was normal in my family. Most teachers I had were, to put it lightly, not very loving. Authority was gained by mentally breaking the children. I never had real friends, until I met my (now ex) wife, and felt lonely for most of my life. I have been treated like trash by most colleagues at work. I realize it's all connected: one negative experience brought me the next because that's what I expected/attracted. So yeah, I know where it's coming from, just not how to get over it.

I've got a son with an autism diagnosis. In my opinion it's a beautiful thing, it's a variation in how the mind works, but if we think ourselves to be the mind, we always take ourselves to be a thought. There are no "wrong" thoughts, no wrong mind, no wrong ways of being but there IS emotional guidance, only now and only pertaining to the current thought. No one kills your dreams, you do. Those dreams don't have expiration dates. Go within and get them out, literally write them out. It might just be that you're in the best possible place to embrace them now, now is in fact the only potential we ever have. 

On 1/31/2023 at 5:13 PM, Tarak said:

Off course I feel love for my kid. It's without a doubt what is holding me together. 

"It's what's holding me together". Wow, that's a really interesting statement. Love is what you are, no holding together required. We don't have to hold on or hold this together, let it go. That does not whatsoever meaning harming yourself or anyone else, changing your life or anything external, but letting go of the current discordant thought about myself.  

On 1/31/2023 at 5:13 PM, Tarak said:

What bothers me is that I'm regressing now. I'm a worse dad than a few months ago, because I can't cope with all the hate that is coming out. I know there is a source of pure love inside of me, but currently it's buried under a thick sludge of ... sadness, I guess.

In the past several months, maybe years I've had a lot of regression in the area of finances, it started getting absolutely ridiculous recently. More recently it's been much more clear to me how everything has been working out beautifully the whole time, I'm just so quick to measure it and then compare in time. Reality gives us zen slaps at times, but you can never ever look at yourself and see regression and have it feel good without really turning in the direction of what you do want, which requires letting go of the discordant thoughts noticing the lack in where you are. You did something for you AND your son, in stopping smoking constantly. Where's the gratitude to yourself for that, that was huge, that was awesome! So what if the returns aren't coming in just yet? You have to spend money to make money, when you start a business it's all a lot of expenses and no income for a while. If you're too quick to judge it, you'll fail for sure. Likewise when you quit a vice like that, you're not gonna be the best parent. I wasn't a good parent when I had covid, is that on me? No. Oh well. Your kid is ok. Your kid has Source backing him up too. Maybe explain to him why you aren't acting like yourself lately.

 

The sludge is just patterns of thoughts, the sadness is feeling, the feeling is guidance, guiding you back to how you really Are and do want to feel. Why not make a journal and express some ridiculous stuff? Look at the statements you're making, really see what sort of reality you are painting, and what beliefs are held rather than just taking them as truth. They are your truth, and honoring them is the expression and real inspection of them. Maybe give this a watch, it's really wonderful. 

 

 

[nurthur11]

On 1/31/2023 at 6:04 PM, Tarak said:

I have been semi-actively doing the work for a few years now. If I look back at those years, I can see a lot of progress, but there was one thing I didn't feel ready to say goodbye to: smoking cannabis.

 

I smoked cannabis for almost 25 years to repress childhood trauma and a few months ago I decided to quit. The first weeks were hard, but I had anticipated that. My body has to adjust to a life without THC and it goes quite well, one day better than the other.

 

What is not going well is the infinite hate that has been coming to the surface. In the past I had lots of times where I lost control over myself, and I punched or kicked or headbutted the wall until I broke something. Since I quit smoking, those moments are happening every few days and the emotional load is becoming bigger by the day. I don't doubt I have it in me to kill someone. To be honest, if I didn't have a kid that adores me, I'd be one of those "nutty shooters" that kills dozens of people before blowing his own brains out.

 

The hate is starting to change me for the worse. Before I quit smoking I was a patient, loving dad who took his time to play games with his kid, listen to what he had to say, encourage him with trying different things. In a few months time I changed into a depressing guy who yells for the smallest thing that goes wrong, ignore my kid more and more and I kill his dreams with my cynicism.

 

I'm doubting if I should just start smoking again. I hate it that I seem to only be able to live a good life with it, but at the rate I'm destroying everything around me, if I don't start again, my end might be very near.

I am going to give you the  same advice as I give myself. Your mind, body active "energy" whatever you want to call it will go towards exciting ideas even if they do bad to you in the long term. Dont put your focus into "ah i sabotage myself because i done a mistake" "others are treating me bad" "how dare they ask me about my past they are  trying to gaslight me" "now i hurt myself and they will see what they done to me". Don't try to find an explanation about this please. I willingly went unconscious and went in front of the car today the guy who was driving(taxi) stopped at the last moment. I was embarrassed even more after this since i was with a friend and just earlier i had a fight with another friend - if I try to find explanation and try to say sorry "I was not trying to be bad at others but you were bad to me now I went in front of car" and so on and so forth it would just progress even more this way of being. There is impossible to find a good explanation about our being. You don't live inside of yourself. Eventually I would identify as self sabotage or as that or as this. Everyone self sabotage, hurts and so on. You have a life, hope you have a job and hope the weather is good in your country. 

[Phil]

Express each emotion on the scale.

The suffering, self conceptualization & thought loops naturally fizzle out.  

The magic, joy, and wonder of being naturally arises. 

 

 

[Tarak]

Thank you for all the replies. I don't really know what to reply myself, but know that I read everything and got something out of it.

[Joseph Maynor]

Paradoxically, in my opinion, you should find love in yourself and love in others on your path.  This does require you get out of kind of limiting selfishness and also out of a limiting selflessness.  I don't assume others appreciate this so take it just as a word from me or ignore it.

Edited February 3, 2023 by Joseph Maynor

[Tarak]

4 minutes ago, Joseph Maynor said:

Paradoxically, in my opinion, you should find love in yourself and love in others on your path.  This does require you get out of kind of limiting selfishness and also out of a limiting selflessness.  I don't assume others appreciate this so take it just as a word from me or ignore it.

 

Yep, you are right. I'm still learning how to love myself, and it's not an easy lesson to learn. But I have the best teacher to help me: my kid.

 

It's hard to love people who've done me wrong. Way easier to hate them. But now that this hate is eating me from the inside, I kinda have to go the love route or perish 😄

 

There was a heavy fight going on in my mind the last few days, but it's settling somewhat. Learning every day...