Reena

I never wanted to be known. I simply wanted to feel like I was in the right place, doing the right thing, feeling like I belonged where I was. Even that, as simple as it sounds, will put you in a mindset of searching and trying to make puzzle pieces fit that you know good and damn well don't. Being nobody and being alone suits me more than anything ever has. I'm reclusive but not socially inept although I'm autistic. I can function in society just fine but prefer solitude. People fight so hard to be a part of something and have notoriety, even if it's just in a group of friends. I don't like keeping appearances and maintaining a social image. For me spirituality is synonymous with being entirely authentic in your being. When I think of gatherings I get physically nauseated. I can't tolerate the false niceties and inquiries into what I have been up to. I understand that comes off as anti social. Really though it's a matter of I'm in a different place, waking up to the truth of reality and self. In that process I've come to the understanding that I have no desire to be anything to anyone. Right now I'm more excited about understanding the knowledge. I've been given through epiphanies, revelations and "a he's. " I barely recognize who I am anymore. Everyday is an adventure in trying to be loving to myself. Mostly it's a battle to stop being hateful to myself. Mind numbing grief, depression and anxiety is a hole that keeps digging itself deeper. When I woke up, I was in terror and dread, fight or flight 24/7 for more than a month . While there are still some really bad days I've never been more okay with myself, my family, my life and the truth of it all. When you finally understand who you are, what you are, why you're here and what this place is, life becomes a different concept, I don't mean when you hear about it, and it sounds like it might be right. I mean you have a knowing. You're hit with such profound truth, that acceptance makes you decide to enjoy your experience on this planet. The only goal I have now is to cultivate my self to the level of my being. I think the truest way to serve is to know thyself and hone the light, so that others might see it and know their own light as well. The personality is there to interact with the world, the spirit is there to experience the world, the body is there to move through this world. I've been allowed the realization that the only thing we get to take with us when we go home is the experience we had and the knowledge we acquired. Experience and knowledge yes. The beauty of the earth is mind boggling.

Being somebody means having tons of burdens, worries, fears and expectations. On the other hand being nobody means belonging to everybody yet free from these personality burdens. I love being a nobody. Having a healthy small ego is so much better than a huge toxic ego. There's a certain wisdom in being a nobody.

I just have to open my eyes to these unusual experiences.. Everything is alright. Everything is fine. It might not look hopeful in the moment. But there is connection. There's life out there. There's a source of goodness somewhere out there that will heal everything.

I believe there's a God in everything.

What's understandable and what's not. It's strange and weird and my autism makes everything weirder. Why is my life so complicated? Why can't others see through those complications? Why am i so difficult to read?

Its hard and i wonder if the next few hours would be okay or safe for me.

I have to be patient with myself.

I can feel anxious and pretty disoriented and out of touch with everything from time to time. No nightmares yesterday.

I have been going nuts since morning handling everything. I bought a necklace. Just shallow stuff.

I have to create an email id so i can volunteer to help children who are under privileged.

Why do i feel like I have always struggled with every little thing around me?

That's a great question. Definitely keep a journal for dreamboarding. Share it publicly. First you might get a couple of ideas. You might not be sure initially on what you really wanna pursue. But as you look and reference your dreamboarding journal everyday, you'll be hit with more clues and ideas along the way that you can keep recording in your journal. You could also title it as "Judy dreamboarding journal " Or something similar that you prefer. Don't use physical paper and pen right away as ideas haven't yet crystallized in your mind so going digital is the right way. Also check my awesome resources on dreamboarding on this thread. Ill be adding more. These are great apps from the google play store (if you are using Android) that help with dreamboarding.

You could love him from a distance. But love has to be reciprocal. We as women always need someone we can give all our love to. It's a primal feminine need. Yet, we're rarely taught to receive some in return. You deserve better and there is nothing selfish in you wanting better for yourself. The love that you wish to give him can be the love that you give to yourself. Heal yourself with love. He might find his love from other quarters. But you have to care about yourself. Put yourself first in situations like these. It's not always about what's right Or what's wrong. It's more about what's truly appropriate for you. The thing that your own intuition/heart will tell you is that your body, mind, heart and soul needs more of the love that you give to others on this planet. You are starved too, I mean your inner self is starved for love too. Do self care routines, positive affirmations, dreamboarding, manifest the love your body desperately craves for, you don't see it but you need it. Also when you get a boyfriend in the future, he should be someone who will honor, cherish, respect and adore and reciprocate your love the way you would want it to be. Being in these romantic situations where you want to give love without receiving any in return can be a bit draining to your spirit. It might look desirable in the beginning but it can seriously drain you. Why tax yourself so much? Maybe the love you wish to give him is better deserved by someone else who awaits you in their life. Save all that devotion for that right person in your life. It's not selfish at all. Selfish is when people mistreat your kindness. You are being kind but this kindness is sort of unnecessary. It can be shown or reserved for those who deserve it even more, someone who might really need you to love them. Think about it. Don't guilt yourself. It's guilt that's dictating your thoughts. Set yourself free. In your free wholesome state, you will wait for the one who truly belongs to you and needs your love.

Today was a productive day.

Then it begs the question- is Separatedness a psychological need?

A Thousand and One by 88 Ultra.

I would say it's not so much about being cold and heartless as much as it is about protecting myself (yourself). Being friends with someone who you're deeply in love with can be very challenging, easy to say , difficult to do especially when they stop loving you and start loving someone else. It hurts the inner ego or self respect, not the outer ego, but it definitely hurts. It would have made me feel incomplete or undeserving. Why does he love her and not me? Questions like that would have tormented me. It's natural and even healthy to feel insecure, we're humans after all. I would have been able to love him platonically Or spiritually but then romantic love would have lost its meaning. There's a reason romantic love is passionate. Sure orange juice contains water but it's not the same as water. Let's say water is romantic love and orange juice is spiritual love. I can offer you orange juice but it won't be the same as water. Water has its own unique place. Nothing can replace it. His name was Benton. Maybe my romantic love for him would have been tarnished if I had reduced or exalted(depending on context) it to spiritual love. But my love for him was deeply human, deeply romantic. Spiritual love probably might have diminished romantic instincts. But i wouldn't want to forget the romantic memories or dissipate their meaning by obfuscating what I naturally felt for him always , it would have felt like a cop out or spiritual bypassing. I always wish to remember the moments lovingly although it's painful so I don't want to remember at all. Yet whatever is left of it, I don't wish to corrupt it in any way. I want to peacefully forget him. Being friends with him would have been insanely awkward, the stronger my passion for him, the worse it would have been to see him be with someone else.

What would I want out of my life? - I want to start a morning vision board. - I want to my life to be full of color, creativity, passion, music, art and insane levels of imagination and hyper creativity. - I want my life to be serene and calm. - I want romance and beauty. - I want my life to be deeply intuitive - I want my life to be highly enthusiastic - I want my life to be a healing journey - I want my life to be deeply spiritual - I want my life to be exciting and ecstatic - at the end of my life I wish to age gracefully