Reena

Yesterday in my dream I was married to a much older man, 30 years older to me. He was in his 50s. I was constantly getting drunk in the dream.. He used to hold me and drop me off at my place. He was like a snake, he knew how to charm me. He was a total psychopath.. I am not surprised because my second ex boyfriend was a psychopath too. He resembled him, at least his eyes were like his.. He would tell me to be careful of all other psychopaths out there. Sure lol. Maybe his name is Gayle.

@Lester Retsel you have your original account now. Use it carefully.

What are the good qualities of a shaman?

Like Selena Gomez

Love Healing Super Empath God Wisdom Religion Regeneration. Faith

David Witherbee is healing me.

Whatever makes you feel better. Maybe I want to feel a certain amount of possessiveness. And that possessiveness is achieved from a controlling disrespectful person. This is nothing but classic codependency. A situation where you feel weak and you want some obsessed possessive dominator to control you. They're dependent on you because they need someone to control and own and you need someone to feel belonged and owned. So opposite forces attract obviously. Feeling owned feels security and survival and taken care of. I think it also arises from infantilism. So when you feel infantilized (because of child abuse), you also want someone to continue that infantilization in order to make you feel secure. Generally when you get older, you slowly outgrow this infantilization. Maybe somewhere you're still looking for that kind, dominating, disciplining, loving but rough and tough, protective parent figure in that abusive person and their abuse is a part of this codependent contract. A victim predator relationship that gives validation to both.

Part of it is also constantly feeling like a victim. When you feel this way, the sense of comfort comes from wanting to be victimized, wanting to be preserved in that state out of inertia. In this state I have to take no responsibility or leadership so I suck the juice from someone else's leadership. I think it's a sign of weakness. When you can't do it, you rely on others. Like a vampire. What happens next? I think this vampirism continues.

Or maybe I feel special if an abuser loves me. Or maybe it's a weird attraction to power since power means security. And this power is usually reflected (I'm talking about raw power and not the power of vulnerability, I would rather call the power of vulnerability as strength) in machoism, in dare devilry, in being dominating, narcissistic and abusive. Another angle I want to look at this is magnetism and the ability of the brain to be attracted to something that is totally opposite of the self, mainly sexual attraction. This magnetism comes out of polarity. It means that I'm attracted to someone strong because I'm weak. I have this Cinderella personality. So I get comfort by attaching to the Devil I guess. A devil should love me and then it gets more romanticized???

I realize now why I needed someone to abuse me in the context of a personal relationship, it was my Stockholm Syndrome. It was a major coping mechanism against abuse. I wanted someone to beat me up so I would feel better. I would feel controlled. And this control feeling gave me a sense of comfort. I wanted to be raped. So I would feel hurt. It gave me a sense of comfort because that's how I was treated always. I was used to being abused. It made me feel familiar. I went through sexual abuse. I was used to being controlled. So it gave me a sense of familiarity and security. It gave me a feeling of being wanted. Like someone bashing me, controlling me, disciplining me and loving me at the same time. I think I likened being controlled = being wanted. And the feeling of being wanted meant I'm being loved. But it's a moderate sense of love. It's not all bad. It does give something 💀✌✌... It's like drinking something that contains 1% wine and rest junk juice versus drinking pure wine. In a way, it's settling for something inferior because the mind thinks that it doesn't deserve better things. Is this really toxic? I don't know.. Why do I feel so much comfort in animality? In the dirty side of things.

So yea I imagined marrying David Witherbee.. David is so cool. He is awesome. I think I needed super empathy for me to give up the Stockholm Syndrome symptoms I was constantly showing. That neediness, that dependency. Although that dependency can be channeled into something stage blue positive.

Move on. You don't have to guilt yourself.

You have lots of friends and that's why I am not important.

Be cool. Be cool. Be cool.

I think the only state blue religion that makes some difference to me is either Christianity or something more introverted like Mormonism. Funnily and strangely I had a dream last night about it where I was a part of a stage blue cult and it felt very peaceful. One aspect in this dream that was very strange and coincidentally very relevant to this topic was that the people who were a part of this strict religious system somehow were less cold hearted, more empathetic and although the system was strict, there was a family feeling keeping everyone together. It felt weird as though humans need some kind of a religion to maintain a sense of community and purpose. Nobody demonized me in the system and it offered a sense of belonging along with security and it never felt like they would abandon me. Just a dream but it was insightful about deep stage blue religious culture which is not as bad as it is portrayed by the media.

Nobody should be banned in my opinion. It has a bad impact on the psyche of the person who gets banned. People only understand this when they themselves get banned. Opening a community and then banning people sounds controlling to me.

In my dreams, I imagined I'm marrying David Witherbee.

Trenton reminds me of my college friend who did weed. Manny reminds me of a guy who I truly wish to be with Quinn is this guy who works in drama and theater and honestly kinda awkward , literary and a bit passive aggressive. Not really loving. Adgin is vile. David Witherbee is someone who respects me and appreciates me and is just a decent normal person. Dale is very aggressive.

Trenton Manny Quinn Adgin David Witherbee / Quinn Dale

@Robed Mystic actually I agree with @mr strawberry. Your life will change incredibly if you leave Actualized org. Its an addiction. It makes you feel good as long as you're there(just like any other addiction) but it's not a place of love, nor spirituality. But when you leave that place, you'll see a visible difference in your life. Leo makes profit off of hiring people for free to do his job, it's so silly people don't see it. Leo is not wholesome and that trickles into the whole forum. He is gradually destroying lives. You'll regret it all one day. It feels good in the moment just like it did to me. You seriously need therapy because at your age your behavior looks super abnormal and awkward. You're lacking love in your life. Get off internet forums. As long as you are tied to Leo Gura you won't be living your best life.

And here we go with the bastardization of godliness - the true methodology of Leo Gura. I lose faith in humanity every time I look at people like you or Leo Gura. How much more cringe does this get.

Oh yes. True.

I thought you were above the bad and good judgement.

I condemn violence of any kind. Must be your thing, not sure.

This is the exact contradiction that I always talk about that happens at Actualized org and represents it's ethos. The contradiction of values at that place is staggering.