Kevin

no not really for a program. Xanax I can take it or leave it. Maybe it’s not coming through in my writing. It would be a lot clearer if voice chat but I really don’t need it. It’s not like. How crack used to be. I agree the taking safes is toxic. I don’t have any desire to be around protests. Free Palestine protects, blm protests. They all see toxic and now where is want to be. I am confused about you always mention rehab. I am one of the fief people I’ve ever met who’s immune to addiction. I can the addicted to alcohol or tobacco. I can say no to cocaine easily. I’ve done heroin and I didn’t get addicted. I quit crack cocaine. Which is one of the hardest to quit. I’m not perfect and I can work on stuff but addiction is not one of them and I’m used as to hey you keep mentioning it.

I think I get what your saying but the last bits unclear.

Yes the Xanax is a strange one. I’ve done Xanax before but never 8 at a time. That’s a huge warning sign. I avoid talking it out on others. I know people who are Hamas apologists and it would do me know good to act in that. In fact it would feel bad. I guess it’s not affecting me at all. I’m just insisting things should be different which causes suffer

Badly. I took 16 Xanax is like 2 or 3 days. For reference most prescribed Xanax take 1 or - half of one a day. i believe I want to join up and kill some terrorists. My moderate intelligent brain doesn’t want to do this and I won’t join up. I’m just filled anger. the only time I don’t feel this way is when I’m with a girl I care about. Because love and companionship with a woman is far more important. i think i get sexually frustrates and lonely and i want to take it out on shit people who torture and rape. None of this feels good Or aligned so I bring it up here for guidance.

Not sure if this belongs to the emptying section of the forum. Please feel free to move it. Basically this all starts by me experiences hate towards terrorist groups. Specifically Hamas. To the point where I am actually seeking out videos of them being blown up and. Defeated. Most of us recall when the IDF captured them and stripped them to their underwear so they could’t suicide bomb. I see large air strikes blowing up massive buildings in Gaza and I find it exciting. i felt satisfaction towards this. In fact if I were the IDF I was be far less companionship. seeing Hamas slowly get obliterated brings me huge satisfaction. I’m not a warmonger. But after seeing what I saw from the Hamas go pro footage I have a hard time feeling any sympathy for them. i post here not because I’m worried about my bloodthirstiness. I post here to examine why I care so much. So many people have died in wars within my lifetime and I didn’t get emotionally involved. As harsh as it to saw I probably didn’t care. part of it is I saw the go pro footage of the gleeful murder and rape and torture. Soldiers calling their families and gleefully declaring they had killed Jews. Watching women being shoved into trucks with huge block stained leaving room their backsides, clearly raped. what’s even more sickening is the denial of these things happening. My father doesn’t like Jews so I guess that’s understands. My mother is a bleeding heart who cannot believe these kind “freedom fighters” would do such a thing. its effecting me because 3 days ago I got 8 Xanax. Normal dose is 1 or 2. Thought out the day I ate them all. Last night i bought 8 more and I ate 4 and then an hour or 2 later I ate the rest. I definitely feel weird today. I don’t usually write posts like this but here I am

Going to space is on the verge of becoming commercial. Meaning we are close to the point where anyone can go. Also the rate of technological growth is exponential so within 30 years or less I think most people will be able to go to space. And it’ll probably be much cheaper and safer by then. If you live to the age of 60 I’m sure you’ll be able to go to the moon. Also if you want to fuck pornstars then start a porn website. You pay the girls a fee or offer them a percentage of the profits and then make a video. There are guys doing this already. You could fuck porn stars and make money doing it.

yeah that’s spot on man. I’m just getting to that point so to speak. Being ok with feeling what I’m feeling. Yeah that’s a really great way to summarize depression.

This is not my trip report. I found it on Reddit and I think it’s one of the coolest trip reports I’ve ever read. I also really relate to parts of it and I wanted to share it. https://www.reddit.com/r/Psychonaut/s/Oyk5ij2iGG He talks about entering a state of ecstasy which is just pure white light. When I did 5meodmt I melted completely into that. And when I have deep trips on other psychedelics it feels like I melt toward that white light. Although I don’t usually completely melt into it. He also talks about how there was a synchronistic response from the environment. I’ve also experience this. Crazy unexplainable things happening in an unexplainable synchronized way. I’m actually having a hard time explaining it. He also talks about how reality is basically always manufacturing more moments of ecstasy. There are lows but reality is always coming back to a moment of ecstasy. He explains it really well. It was really inspiring to read this report but I also experienced a lot of sadness. Energetically and emotionally I would say I’m feeling very sad and low energy. But I want to feel that ecstasy. I’ve felt it before. I’ve felt it on psychedelic trips. Although I don’t want to rely on those because I also can have uncomfortable and scary trips. I also experience that ecstasy with women I like. But I also don’t want to rely on that because I experience a lot of pain when those relationships end. I believe I could be doing more or doing something differently because I’m not liking how I’m feeling.

Shrooms are a little too much more me now lol. I feel like I’m going crazy.

Yeah it was awesome. I just kept melting and it was great.

Just my 2 cents but usually when men make fun of other men, it’s done to humorously. And it’s done to bond.

Definitely more time is needed. I’m never sure how long especially since Xanax and crack were combined. There is a feeling of sadness and despair that comes from stopping either one of those drugs. And combined it’s even worse and I’m not sure how long it’ll take. I will say I feel less despair today. Now I feel sad and low energy and I’m sleeping so much. I’d say 4. 3 I’d say 5. I am aware when I do drugs that it’s not helping. It feels like I’m just putting off feeling for a later date. But it also genuinely seems like happiness can come from a relationship. On the one hand the calm and peace I feel when I’m with a girl I like is like nothing else. It’s the best. On the other hand there’s a lot of suffering when it ends. It’s clear what I’ve been doing isn’t working. 5. I haven’t been inspecting.

I have an awful memory now. Idk why it’s how the interpretation felt Well I remember that’s how I felt back then. I don’t remember why I felt that way.

Yeah I hate being vulnerable apparently. Part of that I believe is not being sober long enough. I think with more time it will be easier.

Man tbh I don’t remember what the work in rehab was but I remember it was sitting in a classroom all day doing book work. It felt like busy work. It felt like a drag. I honestly believe I would have gotten more out of moving to the beach and surfing everyday. Or more activities or more sitting in a circle and sharing how we’re feeling. I did not resonate with the rehab I went to.

I don’t remember what the work was. And idk it just didn’t feel good. I didn’t like going in once a week and complaining. In the beginning it was cathartic but after a while it seemed like the same thing over and over again and then I felt like the best thing to do was to just stop focusing on it.

For the rehab it felt like work because every day we would sit in a classroom all day and do book work. And there was barely therapy. If I remember correctly we had like one meeting a week that was one on one. And it wasn’t with a therapist. It was just with a senior staff member. I’ll try therapy again but basically what happened in the past was a lot of me complaining that I’m lonely and complaining about how I don’t have a girlfriend. Then that stuff becomes front and center in my mind. It seemed like therapy sessions often reenforced what was wrong in my life.

the place I went to felt like school. It felt like a commitment to me. I felt worse after therapy consistently. Is that normal?

yeah I guess it’s kinda crappy that I have to justify in my head why a girl likes me and that it has something to do with what I offer or bring to the table. Kind of like if I’m not those things I mentioned before then I’m worthless. And then thinking about what if I’m not actually those things. It’s very hurtful mentally when I focus on these things. It makes me very sad. I tried the journaling again and I realize I’m in a standoff of sorts. I feel empty and like I’m all out of love and I’m expecting someone out there to give it to me. but it seems like the love is only gonna come from me so I have to just start loving. I’m not sure I know how though. Currently I’m experiencing tremendous sadness. I think I’ll keep journaling and I’ll try therapy again. not sure I’m ready for that right now. I feel very vulnerable and sensitive at the moment Yeah I’m done with coke for sure.

I just don’t want do make that kind of commitment when I believe I can do it at home. Also I used to think therapy was good but the last couple times I’ve done therapy I felt like things got worse because I just kept talking about the same bull shit over and over

I agree and I’m gonna be sober. I was sober for a few months when I met this girl. Things were going good. And I’m not blaming this girl but I felt very vulnerable about how much I liked her and I suspected something like this would happen so I guess I got some Coke to try and forget. Also you’re right I truly think there’s something wrong with me and I’m fucked up and a girl will never love me. And logically I know it’s stupid. Logically I'm above average in a lot of categories. In terms of fitness, financial stability, empathy, extroversion, etc. but on the inside I don’t feel good about myself at all. It’s completely illogical but I believe in a piece of shit.

it is the same drug but experientially very different. I did coke many times throughout college. I never had a problem. I realize now that since I’ve done crack I can’t just do coke anymore. I didn’t like rehab. I don’t believe it helped me quit. I have full confidence that I’m not gonna do it again. There’s a lot of things I’m uncertain about in life but this I am certain about. I don’t mean to assume and I mean this with respect but I don’t believe you have first hand experience with crack. And maybe not Coke either? Idk but you seem to think you need rehab to quit. I don’t think this is the case for me. There’s to much pain coming along with doing it now. There’s no chance I’m doing it again. I feel empty depressed and alone to the point I don’t wanna be here anymore. I know the intensity of these feelings will pass. But it points to that I want a relationship and a family and I don’t like how life is going right now.

I’m sorry to hear that man. I’ve found this best thing for me is to keep it to myself unless asked. Also Ignore the news and the media in general. If you follow mainstream media you will inevitably start to think the other side is crazy.

Yeah man it’s rough. I wish people didn’t care so much about it.

man I truly believe I don’t have a crack problem. I was able to quit before. I had a stupid lapse of judgement thinking I could get powder coke and it would be different. It won’t happen again. I have a loneliness problem. I have a problem where I crave a relationship and sex but I’m afraid of talking to girls. I have a low self esteem problem where I’m so happy that a girl likes me I’ll stay even though it’s probably not a good relationship for me. I just want a woman in my life and I’m such a damn softy that I’ll date a girl for a month and be heartbroken and resentful if she ends it. Self love for me would be to forgive and let go of this girl. But right now I don’t believe I can. I’m incredibly sad about it right now. I don’t want to do anything except lay here under a blanket and cry. I’m sure some of this is me going through withdrawals from 2 different drugs at the same time. Maybe I’ll feel more normal and better in a week. Yeah I think I see what you’re saying. This girl stuff is sticky though. Each time a girl I’ve liked has ended things with me it’s been heartbreaking. Like debilitatingly heartbreaking. I don’t believe this is normal. And I believe I’m weak and should be ashamed because it shouldn’t affect me this much. I definitely should be working out more and and eating better. In terms of emotional well being, last week I started meditating a ton and I think it actually made me feel worse. Maybe that’s normal at first. Idk it’s been a while since I meditated.