Kevin

I have recently had very positive experiences with friends. Hanging out, playing spikeball outside. Beautiful day. Many thoughts came up about not belonging. Feeling like the odd one out. Realistically so inaccurate. These people all like me. One of these friends in particular I don’t see all the time but we are very close when I see him. I guess I feel jealousy because all these guys have girlfriends. One has multiple lol. And one is getting married. my preference would be to not ruminate on thoughts about how I don’t belong. Logically I do belong. I would like to resonate with that. I would like to belong everywhere at all times. Unconditionally. I want to stop putting conditions on belonging. And yeah I guess it’s that simple. I feel jealous. I’m exhausted maybe I need to sleep.

Saw a homeless lady with a bunch of bags I felt bad so I gave her 40 bucks and offered to buy her food. She didn’t even say thank you. Very unrewarding. However understandable because she was probably feeling very sad.

Thanks man. Much appreciated.

At the end of the day I think everyone is truly responsible for themselves. Yes some people have it easier and others have it harder. Donald trumps “small loan of a million dollars” certainly made his life easier than someone growing up with poor abusive parents. However, focusing on this is simply unproductive and unhelpful and feeds a victim mindset. My dad grew up dirt poor in an abusive environment. As far as I know he never dwelled on his victim hood. If he did he wouldn’t have made something of himself. The homelessness situation is tough because there are certain people who, with a little help, would turn their life around. Others cannot be helped because they don’t want to be helped. when I was smoking crack I had all the resources in the world to quit. I even went to rehab. But nothing would make me quit until I was ready to quit.

How do I join Paul heddermans lives? Is it on his YouTube?

Ah 💡

My bad I honestly assumed you were trying to be rude. I appologize

American psycho is fiction.

Aren’t you gay? Why are you being homophobic

Yeah idk I just did it because it felt good and it felt right. I don’t care what he used it for, he could have bought heroin and I wouldn’t care. I just saw he was going through it and he seemed really sad and his genuineness came through. And I guess it was cool to see how appreciative he was for something like 50 bucks which I take for granted.

I’m not gay right now😞

This is apparent for sure. When I feel good it seems like a beautiful painting is being painted. When I feel bad it seems like a terrible painting is being painted. Clearly there is nothing about a situation inherently terrible or beautiful that makes me feel that way. I wish it was always a beautiful painting. thanks this really clicks thank you. How to stop tho? Meditation? ❤️

Ah gotcha. Yes I think the confusion is thinking the doer/solver which is Kevin, needs to realize there is no doer/solver. In other words someone needs to realize this. And somehow this is aversion. Beautiful thanks. I just watched inside out. It’s a beautiful movie, I highly recommend it. But it’s about a girls emotions personified. Basically it reminded me of my childhood and how certain memories are so painful because they are about what happened to me. All the pain is because of what happened to “me”. And all the pain now is happening to “me”. And the solving of it all seems so crucial. I just realized I think the solving is aversion. That’s what it has to be. Major lightbulb moment. If I try to solve my parents not loving and being there for me then I’m solidifying that belief and suppressing emotion.

Most of this is very clear. I am experiencing frustration because the love and bliss is obscured and it seems clear that any doing or solving is counterproductive. I just realized there is guilt. Tremendous guilt that I’m not feeling it. The thoughts are if I were better it would be felt and recognized. the one part I’m unclear on is the whole third sphere thing. I guess I don’t understand the spheres because every time you mention the spheres it sounds solipsistic.

That’s wild dude

Haha that would be dope

Yes I did appreciate that. I also saw him ask a bunch of people before me and they all just dismissed him so when I gave him 50 I could tell it meant a lot to him beyond just being able to buy beer so it was nice.

I think it depends where. In Portland Oregon many of the homeless have so many free resources that they don’t put effort into getting out of that situation and there is many problems with homeless violence so I almost never give the homeless money out there. here in Nevada though there aren’t as many so sometimes I give them food or money.

Facts I guess I’ve always been trying to speed through the laundry

So I tripped yesterday and like many trips my mind is blown and it feels like I wake up. and by that I don’t mean Kevin wakes up. I mean whatever I am wakes up to itself and it’s all love and it’s only now. And there’s no doubt that it’s always now and it’s absolute love and it’s beautiful. I’ve been having these trips for years and like 95% of the time when I come down and. Go to bed. I wake up the next day totally normal. I guess I wish I was drowning In love and bliss and it just doesn’t seem like psychedelics are doing the trick.

I usually see homeless people on the sign of the road at stop signs begging for money and it bothers me and makes me uncomfortable because I feel obligated to give them money because I have it and they don’t. So I feel angry and resentful. I think this is common because most people ignore homeless people which is what I usually try to do. Today though I was pumping gas and a homeless guy walked by and said “hey man I’m gonna be honest I really wanna buy a beer can you spare a couple dollars?” I had a 50 on my wallet so I gave him the 50 dollars. And it wasn’t because of guilt. It genuinely felt good to give it to him. He was super thankful and hugged me and it was a very positive experience. overall I’m confused because I can’t just give every homeless person money but it felt good to give him money.

That’s an interesting thought. Try it and report back. Make sure you get strong ones tho. The first brand I ever got were super weak.

That’s wild.

Really? That’s wild where’d you here that there will be no jail?

I don’t view prisons as a place for rehabilitation. I think prisons are to hold people like this so the rest of the population doesn’t have to deal with them. https://en.as.com/latest_news/where-is-brian-cohee-now-and-who-was-his-murder-victim-warren-barnes-n/?outputType=amp