Kevin

Big epiphany guys. The thought “I don’t like how I’m feeling” is resistance and doesn’t actually help. The thought comes up because of a lot of underlying assumptions like if I decide I don’t like something and resist it then it will change.

this makes sense. Yeah. It’s been intense but today it seems less of a pressing issue so maybe it’s being let go of. this makes sense. Yeah I’ve definitely argued for suffering a lot. It’s either let it go or argue for why you can’t. yeah it’s the thoughts for sure. True. Thanks Phil 🙏

I’m incredibly appreciative of this forum. And strangely enough fully experiencing what I was previously avoiding actually feels really good. I’m thankful for that.

So labeling emotions as anger, fear, jealousy, etc. Is that useful until it’s not. Does all that fall away somehow and feeling is just felt without attaching labels? Shit I see. I guess I’m trying to describe certain things that just feel gross. Things that don’t resonate but that keep coming up. for example I’ve been fixated on the Moscow terror attack. Apparently they caught the guys that did it and they are going through some dark shit naturally. I’ve seen videos of them just looking broken. One guy got his ear cut off. I saw a video that’s pretty tame of when they first arrested one of them. They’re just kicking him on the ground. Even though it’s not that graphic it’s hard to watch. It’s some dark shit. I can’t help but feel some sick satisfaction seeing that shit. Like they probably deserve what’s coming to them. Simultaneously I also feel gross inside. Idk why I care to pay attention to that stuff. It feels disgusting. It’s like driving by a car wreck and feeling like I have to look and then regretting it. all that stuff above feels toxic and gross. Maybe I shouldn’t judge it like that though. Maybe this is letting source take out the garbage. I think the alternative is to just not pay attention to it but that seems wrong somehow. Sorry for bringing up such dark shit. That’s just been what’s been coming up lately. I watched the video. I’ve been feeling angry and prickly lately so I’m perhaps being overly harsh. But it seems like he’s arguing for suffering in an indirect way. It seems like I’m at the point where sometimes the clouds part and things seem great. But it also seems like so much barfing is happening that it’s also not ok. it definitely seems very worthwhile. The barfing up emotional content sucks though. meditation 🙏 haha I’ve never thought of myself as adorable. I’ve always thought I have harsh features. Not in a bad way but I wouldn’t describe myself as adorable. Maybe I’ll try that. I’ll try that suggestion. I definitely have experienced brainwashing. Thanks yeah allowing in satisfaction and hope and acknowledgement of that healing is happening. This doesn’t last for ever. It’s worthwhile too. What a relief. I’m trying to express everything. I think some of the hatred and rage was tough because while that was happening it also seemed shameful to experience these intense emotions that I think are bad. Lately this really clicks and then one day I barf up too much in terms of emotions and there’s resistance and it seems really hard. Then I’ll process and then there’s huge relief. just gotta keep going. ❤️ Byron Katie is great🙏

I guess that’s conceptualizing. Realistically I wasn’t liking how I’m feeling and I was trying to explain it. I’m experiencing and and thoughts about how everyone is wrong and everyone is deluded and brainwashed and it’s stupid how no one sees this. At the same time it’s clear this train of thought is unproductive and very negative and definitely makes it harder to connect with others. So I guess I was probably trying to not focus on those things which felt like suppressing. The whole paradigm of right and wrong and believing I’m right and others are wrong is toxic. It’s not fun. It’s not helping me make friends and meet a girlfriend. But it seems like those thoughts started to happen yesterday but then I believed it wasn’t helpful or productive so I tried to avoid it but the temptation to get angry and feel self righteous anger became more intense so there was lots of thoughts just spiraling around. it seems like for the past week it’s mostly been nice. Kind of like what you wrote in the first part of the above paragraph. And then sometimes, like last night and today, the barfing up becomes like the second part of your paragraph where it seems bad and seems worse and maybe it won’t get better. Kind of like what I wrote in the previous paragraph about thinking I am right and getting angry. I think what I meant was in terms of alignment. I think if it logically computes then I could do it all the time even when things seem shitty. It’s hard to explain but the emotions were being acknowledged and there was relief and alignment. But today I can try and acknowledge the emotions but it seems like it’s not a relief. So I agree with the 👎🏻 boooo. Being right, knowing understanding, arguing. It’s not working and it’s not fun. Then all these thoughts about people being stupid and brainwashed come up. I experience anger. But for some reason that’s not being acknowledged and it seems as though there’s a spiraling into the stupid self righteous anger shit. I keep it to myself and I only share it on this forum because I’m trying to move past it. But logically it’s stupid and unhelpful and I don’t actually vibe with that whole paradigm but for some reason I’m immersing myself in it so to speak and not letting it go. it seems like that would be me who feels the happiness but idk. No experience of being asleep but going to bed last night was such a relief and I felt rested and more relaxed after waking up. Last night I was in a very stressed mood so sleeping was a relief. not sure about the magic part. Do you mean that it really seems like I slept but I didn’t experience that is magic? Ah maybe whenever you asked about who in the above sentences your pointing to how thought is continuing the narrative and the suffering.

Yeah I guess It seems like I’m unconsciously suppressing. Like I feel what suppression is like but I don’t know how it’s happening and I’m not sure how to move through it.

Thanks for your help man. Sorry for all the questions lately. Something came up today. A few hours ago I started feeling intense anger and grief and maybe some other stuff I can’t identify. It seems like I’m suppressing. I say it seems like I’m suppressing because now acknowledging anger for example doesn’t seem to help. I just experience more of it. Also emotions seem harder to identify. They seem more like general suffering than clearly identifiable as certain emotions. It’s very intense. I meditated this morning and I did reiki last night and this morning. Maybe stuff is coming up too fast. anyway my bad for asking so many questions but shits just moving super fast right now. And I think I’m in uncharted territory.

Emotions have been very intense today. Lots of anger and hatred. Maybe this is what it is like when emotional processing speeds up. I did want this to speed up so hopefully that is what’s happening. I used to rarely feel anger and rage. I think it was suppressed because I believed it was j helpful and counterproductive. So right now it’s overwhelming. But it’s probably what needs to be felt.

ah I remember reading this before. It makes more sense now. yep it was intense at times but switching from focusing on the content of thoughts to how I’m feeling is such a relief. Normally I would have freaked out but I was able to stay calm and move through it. yeah it seems like that phase is happening now. It seems like there is a habit of reverting back to thoughts and rumination and it seems like I have to keep moving attention back to feeling. It seems like I have to remind myself often. that makes sense. Dang well I am pretty tired today. I’m probably just gonna chill and read. But I gotta say this is amazing. Feeling emotions in this way is such a different orientation than before and it’s a huge relief. I’m excited to see how this develops.

Also I just sat down and was reading about the terrorist attack in Moscow today . Apparently the Islamic state claimed responsibility. Previously I would ruminate on and spiral into thoughts about how i hate Muslim terrorists. Today though I acknowledged the guidance of hate and it was felt. The acknowledging of the emotion hate is a big relief in a way. But there still seems to be something off. the thing is I am not sure where to go from there. It feels like there’s meat on the bone still. Perhaps something I’m not noticing. Like even though hate is acknowledged it’s not like everything is fine. 60 people died. Hella people injured. It doesn’t seem right.

how do you expedite? Do you think psychedelics expedite the process? I did mushrooms yesterday and went and watched dune 2 in the theater. I took too much tho and I almost panicked so I left and walked to my apartment and processed my emotions. the cool thing about the trip is the profound clarity of emotions as guidance. Yeah most of the time diet feels important. But there have been times where it seems like it doesn’t matter and I just eat intuitively which is nice. i got up to 210 pounds recently and that’s too heavy for me so I’ve been eating less. I went skiing with some friends today and there was a cute girl in our group. The normal thoughts came up about wanting to sleep with her, thoughts about doubting it can happen and insecurity. I felt the guidance and was able to move through it. I guess the main reason I made this thread is I believe when I’m feeling the love and bliss and connection then connecting with girls and finding a girlfriend will be effortless. But right now thoughts around doubt and insecurity come up. The guidance is felt but I’m thinking an entirely new paradigm will make this effortless. It seems like the old paradigm of desperation, insecurity and doubt is being let go of. But I don’t know what’s to come. And I guess there’s some doubt and about this shift happening. But I guess that’s more guidance right there😂.

for sure. I guess I was expecting something crazy. Like flow states, bliss, etc. I feel kind of in limbo. If I had to say an emotion I’d say boredom and pessimism. When the thought comes up that I’m lonely or I want a girlfriend the emotional reaction used to be spiraling and intense suffering and thoughts about how it’ll never happen. Insecurity, fear, etc. now when those thoughts come up the guidance is felt and so there isn’t the suffering and the thoughts easily come and go. It truly seems like there is so much to clean up just in terms of processing thoughts and emotions. But maybe that is a thought that can also be cleaned up. very sneaky indeed. Momentum is probably key. I feel much more at peace and calm lately. But my diet has been shit and I let my apartment get kind of dirty so maybe cleaning up and eating better will feel good.

So the whole aligning thought with feeling thing has started to actually make sense. Emotions are making sense as guidance to thoughts and not about me. My main question is now that makes sense does it take time for patterns that lead to unhappiness and distress to fizzle out? the same thoughts that have come up in the past are still coming up. But now the guidance is felt and acknowledged. So things are different but it seems like it might take a while to reorient and really feel the happiness.

This was tough the other day. But also feeling is super pronounced lately and today the suppression seems to have died down a bunch. a big barrier was thinking I need to solve the problem that certain thoughts pointed to. And I needed to solve it now. That was a huge barrier to feeling. lots of stuff being uncovered lately. This really resonated. The last week things have been super intense but lots of stuff has been clearing up around things like relationships and desperation and what thats about.

Yeah I’ve seen him before. He’s good. I think I prefer being talked at rather than the dialog recordings he does with others. I’ve really been getting a lot out of the simply always awake YouTube channel.

This sounds like a good idea. I will try this out.

For sure this makes sense. Maybe me asking the question of how to stop suppressing is more suppressing

How do I not suppress when it feels like suppression is happening but I’m not sure how it’s happening? basically I feel like I’m pushing something away emotionally but I’m not sure what and I’m not sure how to stop. A few days ago I felt some stuff very clearly and it felt like I wasn’t suppressing at all in that moment. And now I feel like emotional suppression is happening. It’s very clear based on how I feel that it’s happening. But I don’t know how to stop. It seems like lots of unhealthy coping mechanisms come along after suppression has been happening for a while. Like drug use is the last stop on the train.

So I thought I experienced what people refer to stream entry. A few days ago I was experiencing a lot of suffering. The suffering became very intense. Then the suffering was felt fully. And it seemed like there was an experiential shift. A lot of life it seemed I am struggling against a current. Things would happen and I would attach meaning and thinking I need to fix things. Sort of like picking up baggage. The shift that happened felt like instead of constantly swimming upstream it felt like I turned around and started floating downstream. All the usual patterns and stuff remained but everything became so much easier to deal with. Emotions were more intense but also easier to deal with because emotions are felt now and not over a span of time. So thoughts like “what if I feel like this forever” started to lose meaning. So over the past couple days it seemed like there was a lot of barfing emotional material. But also it seemed manageable. But last night I couldn’t sleep and today I’ve just felt very uncomfortable in my body. I’m not sure what emotion is being experienced. But I’m experiencing lots of tension in my face and jaw. The ease of the last couple days doesn’t seem to be here as much today.

It varies sometimes great sometimes bad

Thanks Phil! This is a lot and I keep reading it and then getting interrupted. I’ll see if I have any questions but I don’t know if. I will. It seems really direct.

Sort of yeah I used to experience a lot of fear in college when I’d have to present in front of class. I don’t think I explained it the way you did but probably same shit. I think partly I’ve just gotten more used to it. Still a little scary sometimes but usually doable unless I’m feeling really sad. I think it terms of helping resolve it, what Phil advises generally helps me over time. Like if I meditate and do the emotional scale often then I’ll feel happier and these things are way easier. I’m sure you’ve experienced similar. Also some comedy clubs can be more nerve racking than others. There’s one that’s super chill and then there’s some that feel more intense. Idk why maybe more people or it seems more serious. End of the day tho everyone bombs. It’s not that bad. Worst case scenario no one remembers your set and no one really cares. Worst thing I’ve heard of is a white guy dropped the hard r. Some people talked to him about it and the following week I was there and he spent his five minutes saying he was sorry. Also bombing is totally subjective probably. You might think you bombed at some point but it probably wasn’t that bad. I realistically wasn’t that bad last time. I wasn’t great but I wasn’t horrible. people are really nice and more forgiving generally. Everyone has been super nice at every open mic. You can even just tell people you’re nervous when you go up. I did that one time then just kept going. One of the better guys I’ve seen, I thought he was bad cuz I thought he bombed the first time I saw him but he’s been killing it ever since and honestly he’s super different so he probably killed it the first night and I was just being judgy. Keep doing it is the main thing. You’ve got this. It seems crazy until you’ve done it a lot and it’s normal. My friend who’s really working at it is going to like 3 or 4 open mics a week. Also he’s constantly writing jokes so I think part of it is if you’re prepared with material it takes the edge off. I’ve even heard you can take classes on comedy. oh also toastmasters is apparently a public speaking workshop that’s in like every American city. Probably Europe too. Maybe worldwide. I feel ya on the public speaking for sure. I’ve never been afraid of being hunted by an animal tho. I am afraid of spiders tho. for the animals don’t hike in Alaska and you should be fine. Bears are scary lol. Phil explains this kind of thing way better but what I would do is public humiliation isn’t really a thing per se. It’s always your own judgement your feeling, not everyone else’s. A huge thing is momentum too. If you spend all day in bed on your then go out it’s gonna be hard. Build healthy habits, exercise and meditate. These things will make you feel better. And the better you feel the easier it is. Also try challenging yourself in small ways that make you nervous. For example when I was feeling why more shy, I would try just smiling and random people. For you it may be different but it’s worth a shot. Thanks for asking! That’s actually going pretty good in terms of quitting. I’ve been off for a while now. I seem to have developed a permanent tolerance and I feel so sad after every time that it’s become not worth it at all. I don’t intent to do it again. I just need to work on avoiding all other drugs even caffeine. Keep your head up and keep us posted on how the comedy goes!

The most frustrating thing is I can’t do anything to fix it. That was the first thought. But that’s the guidance. Of course believing I have to fix things doesn’t feel good when things are already all good. Yes the drugs are not conducive at all. Its a relief temporarily but also a complete momentum stopper. Like running into a brick wall emotionally speaking. I did tell my mom about the crack use the other day. I mainly told her because I’m so certain I’m done with it.

I’ve definitely felt that before. Periods where I worked out a lot and meditated and didn’t do drugs. You build a lot of momentum and it feels great. On the moderation thing I think everyone’s different. For example some people break their leg and get perscribed opiates then they get hooked and start getting street stuff cuz there script runs out and they OD. Then there’s some people that take opiates and are fine. There’s a professor named Carl hart who is very public about how he uses heroin recreationally and he seems to be doing fine. I don’t think I could do that though lol.

Shoot you’re right. I just looked up a caffeine half life calculator and if you drink 200 mg of cafffeine it can take close to 40 hours to completely clear. I don’t drink coffee a lot and I have a sensitive system so that’s most definitely it.