Kevin

Do you do cocaine a lot or is it a really occasional thing? If you’ve been doing it often then supplementing with L-tyrosine and lots of vitamin c is supposed to be really helpful with getting through the initial bad feelings after quitting. Also there are some anecdotal reports on Reddit of salvia helping rapidly resolve cocaine dependence. There is also a study done on the topic. Just google search quitting cocaine with salvia. this is just an anecdote but when I quit cocaine for real what happened what I’d heard about salvia helping get rid of cocaine cravings so after the last binge I went on I smoked salvia and when to bed. And after that I was able to quit so maybe there is something to it.

For sure man it definitely a feels different. I’ve been noticing with certain habitual behaviors it’s like a conglomeration of emotions all wrapped up together. It’s cool to dispel these things though. I’m feeling hopeful.

Yeah I’m not sure, I may be over complicating things. It does seem like emotions can sometimes arise so close together and be so intertwined that it becomes harder to deal with. For example I believe that in order to do violence toward others, it’s a combination of emotions. Not just anger, but also blame, helplessness, and probably other ones I’m not thinking of.

So recently I noticed that in some situations there will be a habit or a way of acting that isn’t serving me. And that behavior is happening because many different emotions are contributing to it. It seems to make things much more complicated and it seems really easy to overlook. for example someone was tailgating me today and then when they had to go a different direction than me they honked at me. I got angry and I wanted to do something. When I got home I felt the anger but something still didn’t feel quite right. And then I realized that I couldn’t let go of the anger in that moment because blame arose with the anger and I didn’t see it. The blame being thoughts about how the anger felt is that other drivers fault so if that’s not seen then of course the anger will stay. Because it’s definitely not my problem. It’s that guys fault. And I’ve noticed this in other situations too. It seems like the most sticky emotions, or the emotions that come up over and over, the issue is often a bunch of different emotions are tied up together and it makes things much more complicated.

Damn it’s really that simple I guess. Sometimes in the thick of it, it really seems complicated. I’m fully convinced there is many steps and it’s going to be difficult. I guess when I think that then I experience overwhelm. So yeah I guess it’s actually really simple.

So lately I’ve been wanted the process of emotions coming up to speed up. Yesterday it was kind of too much. Kind of overwhelming. Hopefully I’m not oversimplifying but it seems like this whole process is about either willingness to be present and feel or unwillingness which leads to suffering and conceptualizing and aversion. It’s tough though because it seems like sometimes there’s willingness and then sometimes theres suffering and resistance and wanting to feel a different way. And it seems like I have no control over that process. Kevin can’t decide to just be willing when there’s aversion. But I can see that all the suffering comes from conceptualizing, focusing on thoughts like “this will never end unless I do something rn”. I guess I’m just frustrated because when I feel very open to emotions, life seems so smooth and pleasant. And then sometimes I experience aversion and I start going into problem solving mode which is more aversion. And when I go into that mode I see that it’s not working and it’s causing suffering but idk what to do.

So today some beliefs that I wasn’t aware of came up. I realized when I was a young kid I got angry at my mom and there was an insistence on my emotions being her fault. This was never inspected and so the habit of not inspecting and instead projecting and blaming all my emotions on to others started. This lead to anxiety whenever I’d meet a pretty girl. And more broadly all social anxiety stemmed from the blaming and projecting. So when I’d meet a pretty girl I’d start thinking thoughts about unworthiness and other negative things. This would feel shitty and those painful feelings would instantly be projected onto others and for my entire life this has been conceptualized as social anxiety and being awkward with girls. It’s wild I never saw this before. It’s also really exciting because now there is a possibility of relating to others without any fear. I just saw this today so it remains to be seen how life will play out but I’m feeling pretty excited about dispelling more bullshit and feeling even more free. its crazy that all this started just from blaming my mom and projecting. I didn’t even decide to go that way. It just started when I was a kid.

So constantly I feel tension/unhappiness. As long as I can remember I’ve felt this and how I always coped with it was by trying to fix perceived problems and self improvement type stuff. now it seems like all the focus on problems and self improvement was not only unhelpful at time but also it was often counterproductive. For example I can look back and see how fear around thoughts about girls not liking me would lead to that exact outcome. Me trying to fix that issue was just perpetuating it and spinning my wheels. So now I’m trying to proceed and forgot about so called problems and just try and enjoy life. At times I enjoy and things feel like they are improving but often I experience discontent. I want to have more friendships and I want a girlfriend. However I still experience social anxiety. I’m using that term loosely. I don’t have social anxiety but I’m using the term to point to a collection of habitual thoughts around wanting to connect with others but experiencing fear when I focus on thoughts about how others don’t want to connect with me. I want to meditate because I think that will help. But I’m experiencing my behavior as much more compulsive. No drug use but I’m compulsively drinking coffee earlier in the day and I find myself compulsively scrolling on instagram. So yeah basically it seems like I don’t have any agency. But since I’ve always been a fixer as a strategy to feel better it feels weird because I’m supposed to fix things so I feel better but I can’t cuz I don’t have agency. So then I feel worried. But then it’s clear that’s all me spinning my wheels. It seems like there needs to be a big shift otherwise the same old same old is gonna keep happening. I’m going on a meditation retreat in the middle of may so hopefully that shakes things up.

It’s really hard to explain what’s happening in perception but it seems like there’s a shift. Each sensation is arising on its own. It’s kind of disturbing. I don’t appear to exist to have agency to fix anything. Kind of freaky. I just want to go to bed and stop panicking lol.

My sleep journal basically I’m writing because I’m having trouble falling asleep due to fear I’m experiencing intense fear rn and idk why. Idk what do do about it beside post here so that’s what I’m doing

Dang I just realized I experience laziness because I’m expecting things to not go well so I’m avoiding things. Yes my parents simply didn’t know or weren’t aware in many situations. The whole getting love from someone else rigamarole is crazy Yeah. It’s hopeless. Thoughts keep coming up about what’s the solution. Or how do I feel better. But that’s more of the same and can be let go of. This is really clicking lately. This also really clicks yeah the tension relief cycle gets old. Now I’m just experiencing boredom. No crazy bliss yet. I can’t wait until love is unfettered😂 You really would have to be crazy to laugh when a thought like that comes up. Maybe I want to be crazy.

@Phil hey man thanks for the response. I’ve had the flu really bad for like 5 days so I haven’t been able to focus on anything. When I feel better I’ll read your response more thoroughly

https://www.instagram.com/reel/C4oFjy_vOkR/?igsh=MWZ1eGs5MWM2NXQ3Yw== @Jonas Long @Mandy saw this video and thought of you guys. Let me know if you can’t see it.

besides. The getting stabbed part and the running part I don’t remember. I think my mom was in them though. I do remember every sleep paralysis demon I’ve encountered though. I’ve had two friends tell me I might have demonic possession. This is not something I believe in but I might try it cuz why not. I’m based in Nevada and I go to raves a bunch of times every year and I enjoy dancing there. I looked up the 5Rhythms dance thing and I don’t understand it but they have an app I downloaded so I’ll check it out. Next time I remember a dream I will try this thanks man. 🙏

super spot on interpretation. How do you suggest processing resentment since it’s not an emotion? it’s interesting I cannot think of a specific event that stands out. I can think of a bunch of situations where I wasn’t seen or heard in an emotional sense. I don’t want to dwell to though. Those things aren’t happening now. Well maybe a little actually. Idk I feel lonely. I’m super eager to release this shit. I’m so over how things have been going in certain aspects. I will say in certain aspects, behaviorally, I’ve been way more authentic socially. Along with being more authentic it seems like times where I am inauthentic hurt way more. As well as loneliness being increasingly painful. So it seems like good and bad is becoming more intense. expressing might be tough here because what needs to be expressed/let go of, seems so normal because it’s how I was raised. I think sometimes it’s hard to really pinpoint where the discord is coming from. I guess I just gotta go on how thoughts feel and not do any gaslighting. Spot on. I don’t feel comfortable at all expressing guilt or Loneliness. Anger is kind of tough but in a different way. When it’s felt I can express it but I think sometimes I suppress it immediately out of respect for others. But yeah loneliness and guilt I do not at all feel comfortable expressing. Except for in here I guess. certainly. I’ve felt a physical knot in my solar plexus for years. Almost like it’s always been there. The rare times it loosens momentarily is such a relief. the inclination for addictive behaviors like drugs, porn, and video games have all decreased dramatically. Part of that is in my day to day I feel more ok. But part of it is they just don’t provide relief like they used to. I took my last Xanax last Sunday so a few days ago. I think today I’m feeling the rebound anxiety of it so today has been intense. I know you’re probably gonna suggest rehab but I’m so over the rigmarole of using drugs to suppress emotions that I am never doing Xanax again. it’s kind of like that bible verse about leaving behind childish ways. There are certainly emotional struggles still but I’m absolutely done with Xanax. There is no doubt. There just isn’t the relief anymore. It’s not what I’m looking for anymore. spot on. Thoughts come up about resentment for how I should be drowning in female attention and friendships because I grew up so fortunate. And definitely jealousy because I know the love in one’s life isn’t or shouldn’t be about money I don’t really lead with money in friendships and with girls I don’t usually talk about it unless I’ve been dating them for a bit. Spot on interpretation I’d say. yes kind of like my financial situation is handled so I should have a lady in my life and friends to do stuff with every weekend etc. and then being upset and focused on being lonely. this is the only part I take issue with lol. I’m not offended at all and I always appreciate the input but I’m definitely not a vehement trump supporter. I haven’t been since at least 2020. I probably was a vehement supporter in 2016 though. I definitely have noticed that vehement support of political movements of any kind is, at least for me, related to deeper repressed emotional material. it’s crazy progress-wise there is so much that’s been released and processed. And I notice it because so much of the political game has lost its appeal. But in spit of that there seems to be a mountain of material left to process. yeah. Another spot on analysis. I’ve always had a hard time connecting with girls and asking girls on dates. although I was at a kava bar last night and the bartender and I were talking for a while and I was getting flirty vibes so I asked her out on a date and she asked me if she could think about it🤦‍♂️. I feel like that’s a bad sign so I’m trying to forget about it but I was disappointed. Thanks phil! I’ll try this.

I think due to potency my strongest mushroom trip was 5 grams. Not the 7 g one. the 5 g one is hard to explain but I basically forgot what directions were. Like up, down, left, right, etc and I was just melting on the floor. I sobered ip slightly and decided I should drive home. I could figure out how to drive though and my friend who came outside to check on me immediately took my keys lol.how was your 10 gram trip.

Damn that’s insane. Most I took is 7 and that was crazy.

What’s the highest dose y’all have taken and is there a point where it’s too much? In college I took 5 and 7 grams of shrooms semi regularly. Strongest trip I ever had on mushrooms or acid was one where I was on 2 tabs of acid and I when I closed my eyes I could see the most colorful and beautiful visuals. And my friend played his Tibetan singing bowl and my spine and brainstorm started to vibrate with the bowl.

@Blessed2 Almost finished with this video. Very good so far.

Thanks Phil I want to respond to this in more depth in a couple of days. Lots for me to process. I just wanna say that your response and what you share is very much appreciated. It’s very heartwarming that you respond to everyone on here and try to help.

So many issues with sleep right now. I toss and turn throughout the night and a few nights ago I had very vivid dreams and nightmares. I was sitting outside and I was doing the emotional scale and I realized I’m disappointed I didn’t get sleep last night. Then I noticed there’s a continuity disruption that happens when I sleep and I haven’t been experiencing that for that last couple nights. The main point of this post is the nightmare though. A few nights ago I woke up and I was in sleep paralysis and there was a sleep paralysis demon. For those who haven’t experienced them, sleep paralysis demons are usually just black human shaped shadow beings. This time though I woke up in sleep paralysis and the sleep paralysis demon had human features. It wasn’t just black. I remember it had an evil smile but I don’t remember what or who it looked like specifically. It was holding me down and it had a knife and it stuck the knife in my stomach and I felt myself actually getting stabbed. Super disturbing. And then instantly I’m standing up and I’m running as fast as I can but going nowhere. Apparently that’s a common dream where you run super fast but your lot moving but I’ve never experienced it.

Haha took me a second to understand. ❤️

Facts. This really resonates because there is so many things others are experiencing that I wouldn’t even think of or think are possible if not for them already experiencing those things. ❤️

god man my first thought is I always have to hear the same damn thing. I wish I could just get it. Realistically I’m experiencing frustration. Acknowledging that is a relief. gotcha. Keep it simple I always thought logic was what I wanted but it never worked. Gotcha. Thanks Phil.

Hella facts. Thank you. It’s seemingly habitual thought patterns that cause tension. but overall self love is felt more and more and the truth or what you’re saying is resonating. ❤️