WhiteOwl

I feel shame and unworthiness or insecurity when thinking they have a good connection, or that he has a lot to offer. I feel shame and unworthiness thinking i don't have enough money. Putting music out still puts me in contact with feeling shame and unworthiness. I feel jealousy when my friends have a lot of money. I feel anger that i went out on wednesday and got drunk and took cocaine. I feel discouragement sometimes. When i feel i am in the same place, sort of stuck. Reason is obvious though. I feel blame for taking stupid choices. I blame myself for going out like that, and for not showing the integrity i want. Fantasizing about others, her especially, makes me feel worry. I feel worry about things not working out, or that i might not be doing good enough. Like i' wasting my opportunity a little bit sometimes. I feel worry with thoughts about how the situation is going to work out with her and them. I feel doubt in my ability to create sometimes. That what i want might not be possible for me. I feel doubt around my music. And blame and discouragement. Its like its really hard for me to believe and trust in my own abilities relative to music, even though i know i am creating my own reality. I sometimes feel disappointment, when it seems things are not working out. I feel disappointment when it seems some people don't like my music. I feel overwhelment sometimes feeling all this doubt and worry and disappointment. I feel frustration and impatience because of not feeling in fucking alignment. Whenever i don't i just feel so much frustration and impatience. Thought that i am not ready or feeling good enough to meet others. Feeling the guidance of insecurity. I feel pessimism. About the bigger picture. Just feeling fucking pissed. I feel boredom sometimes. I feel contentment now. I feel content for the loophole shake i am going to make soon, and for my friends who just wrote me. I will continue to write after breakfast.

Becoming free

I called them and said i'm out today. Big decision but it has been keeping me stuck for long enough now. And now the object shines once more.. very shiny, which just proves the point that its the right decision. Time to recover and find out what i want now. Tarot was pointing a lot towards that decision, so its interesting what happens now.

Haha guess thats what i try to prove sometimes 😕

Feels like a revenge act as they would not like it. But again i shouldn't be in it for them of course. I will consider it more deeply.

Because right before all this mixing pleasure and buisness it was a great thing and it could also be worthwhile for me putting the negative emotions from dealing with her aside.

I also dont want to give her that importance of leaving or showing that Im angry etc

it doesn't actually. Feels off to have contact with her all the time but i guess something can be done about that.

You think there is something i don't see or that im not honest about? Why it ended. Very interested in hearing As a DJ you kind of are your own music thing, but its nice and fun to be in a label with people. And it was with my friend and this girl, and now its kinda messed up. Just feels off to leave it feeling angry or slightly resentful. Also dont want to do that to my friend. He helped me a lot, and we can do some nice things together with this.

Is it not possible for something to know what itself feels like? This explanation never resonated for some reason. I can know what I feel like seems logical to me, and doesnt need 2 me's

I maybe didn't see it as clearly as i do now that i was just projecting my own unworthiness, but we were always honest. It was obvious that i had too much shit going on to enjoy a more mature relation with someone like her. We talked about that in the end. Foundation is actually completely different from having gone through all this last couple of month. Like actually. So the best would be to just be happy about that and move on from all this current crap. We run a music thing together with the other guy also involved (my good friend). Which makes it a bit annoying.

I am unworthy? i dont see it

I feel unworthy. Guess thats it

Just fucking angry right now. Angry that i fell for her tricks once again. You couldn't have described it better with her shining for a split second when needing validation. I walked right into it again. I just dont want to make it a scene and say i would like to draw from our thing for a while even though thats what i feel like. Having to communicate with her everyday is just not nice at the moment.

That it feels discordant to "me"?

This was the question of the thread i guess. There is just so much movement and emotion going on. Is the best thing to do just watch it and wait for it to settle. Seems like nothing can be done

"I cling to someone"?

Its not worth all this at the moment. I was just kind of hoping for peace with the shiny object but that might seem to be impossible.

We did meet once and talked through and she let out a lot of emotion. Of course feeling hurt and angry for my way of ending things and being in the end. You think i need to heal? Just a matter of speech. Just that i haven't gotten the full message yet as there is so much inner turmoil and returning thought patterns and emotions

@MandyI have a sense the universe is just spinning me around to show me what actually matters. And so much has changed in through all this but we are not there yet it seems.

I met her 2-3 weeks ago. She seems to be doing fine. She said she got a little nervous seeing me she said. I still think of her sometimes. This new relationship just seems like a huge ego trip relative to the old, without that much substance actually. But so hard to let go of. Its crazy. I just found it to be mysterious and i feel a lot of a certain kind of attraction.

Id realize i wasn't a body or i wasn't enjoying it?

What happened before we broke up? Or in which sense I didn't feel at ease in our relationship and thought she wasn't what i was looking for.

Is the way out to become open and relaxed in the suffering? embracing it

I see that. Is there nothing to do but just feel through all the thoughts and emotions. Its exhausting.