fopylo

It isn't something constant, as I said moments. Sometimes I have those moments when I really don't have anything to do. No new video from a Youtuber I watch. No video I have in mind to search for. Don't feel like vaping anymore. No new dm's or notifications from a forum (like this, or actualized.org). Too tired to read interesting 'advice' on a forum. No anime episodes airing out. Not the time to eat, don't feel like. I just can't distract myself! Ahhhhghghghgh! I've been defeated...ugh. I lost in the game of trying to distract myself. Lost badly. I am in need of distraction. But distraction isn't bad. Distraction isn't bad. Distraction isn't bad..? Please don't tell me distraction is bad. Please. (for the love of god) I really don't want to see it as something bad, please. This is my behavior. You also get distracted. I really want to believe it's ok to be distracted. Why not love it? But sometimes I just get crazy off of it, and in this moment I just wish to resolve it. I really want to fill (Phil) myself somehow, lol. What do I actually want? Because it seems I want to distract myself, and I seem to like it. I distract myself everyday, and it's only sometimes which it can get me crazy. Sometimes I just fall onto my bed straight off from sitting in front of my laptop just to get things off, kind of a rest, some kind of letting out. I try not to contemplate too much in those situations, as my mind is already not in the best shape and I am just suffering. I just need some sort of solution for when feeling this overwhelming distraction... Yes! I am feeling overwhelm (lol, quite an on-the-spot insight I just received. Perhaps in most cases when I feel like I'm super distracted and can't take anymore the idea that I can't distract myself anymore, it can certainly be that I feel overwhelmed). This is funny because I intended on saying that I feel slightly better after writing all of this, until this point, and that now I feel less crazy. I laid down my overwhelming feeling by expressing how I just can't fucking distract myself, and all those reasons why. Maybe it's frustration..? I guess: Overwhelm - trying to find ways to distract myself, not finding a way, and repeating that loop, building more weight. Frustration - I just can't fucking distract myself, it doesn't work, and I fucking hate it and it's annoying. Emotions are still labels, still thoughts, very general, like a 'category'/ 'type' of thoughts. Will love to hear what are your thoughts about this, maybe even advice..(?)

This is not true though, feels off

@Phil Are you tripping?

@Faith Thanks for sharing. In my case I just have to cut him because even if I'd consider talking with him, he always ghosts, and in person interrupts, so no freaking way

Yeah I guess I'll take this advice and contemplate on it, meaning, processing the emotions slowly slowly as the thoughts arise, satisfactorily, for some time. Then I'll have a clearer plan (since I'm at a higher vibration) on what to do .

Also, had to get it off my chest a bit

Me and him were in some activity of camping, going highking, scouts vibes. It's been a while since. We were always quite ok with each other, besides the fact that he always ghosts me on pretty much every platform, but says that in general he's a "ghoster", which I believe. He doesn't have intentions when ghosting, but this was one of the things I didn't like much about him. So after some effort, we managed to organize a trip (in the group, together with the guide), and from all people - it was just me, the other guy, and the guide. I didn't expect the other guy to somehow call or message to meet up and go there, since he left early and I left later than him, he is stupid for getting off at the wrong place, hardly moved from the place we live, and I already got there. He asked me if I can fetch him, so my father went to his direction, but the kid remembered to call a few minutes later to update me that he is not actually there, not where he said, so fuck it, we gave up. After we finally all caught up he asked me why didn't I meet with him to get there, this ghosting m*****f***** (sorry). This is the start. In general he doesn't really lets me finish my sentences and jumps in, interrupting, assuming he knows what I'm gonna say. He does it a lot and is super frustrating to talk to. He isn't such a charismatic person, but he knows how to slide what he wants to say when he wants. Imagine how disrespectful it can be. Like sometimes when I speak he talks over me: "fine, fine, we understood already what you're trying to say" Like F you you f*cking stupid a** person. How can you be so disrespectful and get away with it? He also has his seemingly nice condescending ways of reacting to what I said, like "yeah, of course it's like that" in a condescending way as though my questions are stupid, because I'm more willing to open myself vulnerably while he is too scared trying to keep up his cool logical persona self image. This made it over time harder and harder for me to open myself to ask what might seem as "stupid" questions. I'll save you the rest. The worst was on our way back, when we actually argued about something not that serious, and anger starting boiling in my veins, my overall anger I have towards him. He was also saying that I interrupt him and I don't listen, which IS NOT true for sure, since I always listen and I really never interrupt because I have some value. Perhaps I have mentioned it in the argument against him before in some way. The guide also saw how he tends to interrupt a lot so it doesn't make sense what he is saying. My overall anger was really boiling but I suppressed it all, as in all the situations I had with him in this one night trip. I just had enough and didn't want to talk with him. Our guide dropped us off at some bus station and I really didn't give a fuck about him, didn't care how he'll get home. Luckily I'm much better at navigating. I went on the bus I needed and signaled him this is the bus for if he wants to get on (if we were in opposite roles, I doubt he'd even help me notice he went on the bus). He asked me if it stops at a certain station and I kept walking in the bus, ignoring him, and he went off. Fuck him. Eventually the guide came to pick us both from not so far locations and took us back home (the other guy called him). I really hate him, and it makes much more sense for me to drop him as a friend, which he was anyways not, couldn't consider him as such. I'm cutting him out. We'll see when he'll start the next conversation, never. Cool. Ok, so first of all sorry for my use of language at some parts. Consider them as my hateful expressions rather than actual. I really hate him, and it came flowing. Hope I don't get banned or something. My intention intention in writing this post was to ask for advice in how to handle such stuff. More specifically, do you have any book recommendations for dealing with such nasty behaviors? I think this could benefit other people as well. Like, really, think about it: Most of you people do all this consciousness work, meditating which is nice and peaceful. But what do you do when your best friend ignores you? What do you do when your group project mate keeps talking over you and doesn't listen? What do you do when an asshole tries to make fun of you in front of other people you know? Answers to these questions are a demand, or so I believe. I was thinking of utilizing this asshole for doing equanimity meditation. I know some of you might say that I feel resentment, or perhaps even revenge. I've suppressed quite a lot being with him, with the belief that no matter what I'll say, what I'll open up, how vulnerable I'll be, the questions I'll answer - That I'll always be interrupted by him and that I won't be able to even deliver what I want to say because he never listens, and just talks, when he can. In the book Radical Honesty, the author has a chapter talking about expressing anger, and I felt that I really couldn't do it. It was too extreme for the situations I was and really didn't feel like doing them. Why should I risk being interrupted and have made assumptions about? He is too childish to talk to

Rain, rain Tiny drips falling down, and here I am witnessing you Memories flashing back The peace, the quietude Just to kiss the rain Mom has returned The story has changed Back into reality Those little drips, tapping gently like the sound of the piano keys... The music has stopped. My brother interrupts. But the rain continues A last kiss to the rain, and let it fall back into the background... To let it be, and let it go For it lives now, and not later more And soon it will pass before you ever know

@Nadosa Please provide a link to your youtube channel, I'd like to hear as well!

@Lotus Oh I mean I do play the piano, and recently I've been practicing more. But I'm talking about producing music at the level of using software, producing professional music, high quality

All this free time I've got on my hands What should I do? What should I achieve? Time is slowly fleeting away Slowly, slowly Deceptively Oh, but it is just so comfortable to sit here engaging in the act of feeling sorry for myself... "For who?" a voice echoed Don't have time for these questions Thoughts, thoughts Always come and go like good friends Where is simplicity? The music just sounds so nice... unlike the participant Doesn't sound that nice Oh, just what should I do? Please, just how do I achieve? Why can't I be like them... Trying so hard... yet not also... here is the highway to hell The job, the money... But.. I just need it.. Please? "Where is the shelter Sergeant?" The boy who had it planned The adult who lost it "The value of the company went down sir" Dancing in the dystopia God, help me see things how they used to be, shed your light, the light of simplicity, the one you once showed me.. Pull me forwards, through the myopia You showed me experience, I took it, created a story, inspired, built a novel with over 10 floors But, wait... "Who built it?" "Who needs it?" Come on, just hand it over please Don't make things hard for me Just, please, Keep it simple in this time I have

Another interesting quote he says: I would like to know what you think about this. Like how come when you give up trying to change you finally become free to change? I mean, he also says that: About the wholeness he says:

Oh so today I went back to the barber for him to fix it a bit (because I had some blond like I said, and wanted him to color it silver). So he colored everything silver again. I'm quite disappointed now and upset. It came actually quite bad. For fuck sake! Now my hair looks more gray than silver (darker) and the blond, well it didn't disappear really, just became darker. My hair is gray with 2 part that are dark blond, shit. I mean it isn't terrible but I kinda prefer the way I looked before. People say I look like from k-pop, or like an old man...

@Faith But it is what I want ultimately, right? Because this is the case, no? Didn't quite understand what you mean by 'can see beyond', and also, how come (why) is that the case?

@Phil How is the fact that I'm ruminating about wanting change is evidence that I don't want to change, and that I want something else? Do you mean that every time that I say I want anything for my situation to be different/other than it is, I actually truly want it to be as it is and I'm just lying to myself? the 'one' which want and could be, and the 'other one' which can't, that I am, respectively. Hmmm... I get a sense that the 'wanting' that I think about appears in an unrecognizable way in actuality. Is 'wanting to create music', when actually happening, in actuality, going with the flow? This makes more sense since it doesn't rely on ideas. You do what you are currently doing because you want to (= It is going with the flow, this is the path with least resistance). However, beliefs about what I 'should' do, what I 'would like' to do (which I'm not doing), who I'd like to become (whom I'm not) still arise and I don't really want to let those go and release them. Like, I do really want to live the ideal life. How do I let go of this baggage? Yo I am really limiting myself, ain't I? I don't dive into drawing, animation and other art because of this limitation. Dude I'm traumatized from a lot of the common 'self-help' advice I once sought about overcoming procrastination, and it just stressed me more and I became more neurotic, more resistant. I don't feel much relief in breaking a task into smaller 'pieces' the way you described honestly. Using timers is stressing man.

I colored my hair yesterday for the first time ever to silver with a bit of blond at the front, I'm wearing a black hoody with a skull on it and black sweatpants. This feels a bit weird to get used to this look because it also associates a certain personality and a facet of myself. Before this change my hair was regular, hair kinda sharp, people sometimes joked that I look a bit like a Nazi lol (hey I'm Jew) with my haircut, I felt a sense of seriousness and also of naturalness. I was more of a 'man'. Now, although I have this new color I feel less of a man and more like a 'wannabi someone', clapped, not sure of his gender orientation, new gen kid, an artist who is depressed and uses drugs lol. Obviously these are labels but I still see it a bit like it. I've also started vaping like a few months ago, so it even more fits the image damn. A change in appearance is all it takes to feel alien to yourself and question your true identity...

I haven't meditated for the last couple of days because just recently I feel like I tend to force it, to put effort, to conceptualize feeling, to wish the sensations were other than what they are, that they need to be someway, which isn't the way of meditation. Hopefully expression and being honest is a temporary substitute

@Phil I appreciate you for taking the time to read what I wrote 😊🤍

@Phil Ok but a career or company are a big decision to make, and it is kind of a risk taking. Let's say I write stuff on the board that I want, go pursue it, but then later change my mind, I'm kinda fucked. So the dreamboard just helps me to see it clearly because it's on paper (or whatever) and helps me keep track of it and remember what I've written before so I don't forget and it might inspire me again

So here is something that is a bit disturbing me. I am reading the book Radical Honesty (which is a very great book) and in it he says the following: "When you say 'I want to look for a new job, but I can't seem to get started', who is it that 'wants to' and who is it that 'can't'? It is as though there were two of you and one - the one who 'can't' - had more power than the other. You pretend that the real you is the one that 'wants to'." "Our true intent is to do just what we do." "We have to stop paying attention to our struggle and turn our awareness to the ways in which these circumstances we claim we want to change serve us - the payoffs. Only after experiencing ourselves the way we are, dropping our phony struggle to change, and telling the truth about all of it, can we create the lives we have been saying we want." The things he says seem very wise, and I'm trying to see how it applies to my life. So for a very long time I keep telling myself that I want to create music, since I feel a deep desire for it, and honestly I really want to be someone who creates music, compose orchestra music, beats, whatnot. But I don't really get to it. Maybe only once in a while I create something small and then leave it behind. The truth is that I do want to create music. But after reading this book I am understanding that I actually want to sit in comfort on my laptop and feeling sorry for myself for not being able to get myself creating something. My true intent is just to remain the same. But how do I change that? Like, do I even want to change? - I think this is the more powerful question. I feel bad saying that maybe I don't want to change, that perhaps I'm unwilling... Shit! How do I create this life jesus

@Phil And if I don't write it on the board I cannot see what I want? Say I have some desire in my mind, seeing it in thought is different from seeing it on the board? How?

@Phil Why do you say this?

Can you send some?

@ivankiss Are most of your songs not rhyming? And do you also produce music and sing on top of it?

@Phil I know you have explanations on your website, but I think a video covering the emotional scale going through all the emotions, explaining it clear, giving (practical) examples would do best. I'm not saying that what you have on the website isn't good, but that the way you sometimes write is on the total flip side of the way you speak (yes I know because I had sessions with you). Also, another small advice: even if you're speaking honestly, about the truth (even if you're trying to use pointers that are closest to what is actual) you have to write as though you'd speak it (make it more 'normal' lol), that's only if you want to help others understand you (your advice/what you're saying), conceptually, for then making it easier for people to slowly 'get it', starting off from an easy pointer. I am sometimes putting effort in writing to you a message because I can just see how you'd respond with stuff like "there is no you", "there is no understanding", "let go of all those thoughts"... It's like talking to a robot sometimes 🤣. It looks like the value of getting into thoughts, meaning, evaluation is showing itself, not for believing in them per se, but for using them. Hope my delivery is clear