Every day I wait for sleep

[howisitsoactivehere]

I woke up today did the meditation felt ok, had my breakfast, took my pills, listened to Bernardo kastrup, then I start to feel restless in my legs, start pacing around my room, try focusing on my breath, it doesn't work, then realize I still have 11 hours of the day left.

 

I have to go for a jog I have to shower, I really can't be bothered. I'll do it anyway. Writing this makes me feel better. It's so annoying living with parents especially if you have mental illness. They come in and check up on you throughout the day and you feel like such a victim. I wish they'd just leave me alone.

 

I'd love to move out but then I think what is the point. I'd just be wasting money, I can't look after myself like I used to. I used to travel and always be doing stuff. Not anymore.

[Eothasian]

What pills? May it be some precursor to akathesia a common side effect of neuroleptics?

[Mandy]

On 6/13/2022 at 6:04 AM, howisitsoactivehere said:

I woke up today did the meditation felt ok, had my breakfast, took my pills, listened to Bernardo kastrup, then I start to feel restless in my legs, start pacing around my room, try focusing on my breath, it doesn't work, then realize I still have 11 hours of the day left.

Imagine that you are a nurse working during the COVID spike, or a construction worker in the busy time, and you have ONE day off. You wake up and realize that you have 11 hours of day. At home. To do what you want. How would you feel about that? What would you most want to do?

 

On 6/13/2022 at 6:04 AM, howisitsoactivehere said:

I used to travel and always be doing stuff. Not anymore.

I CAN travel and always be doing stuff. And this is great too, cause no one needs to be traveling and doing stuff all the time. 

 

If you're always looking forward to sleep, maybe that's what you want to do, so look into yoga nidra. You can have your cake and eat it too. Infinite potential, that's you. Infinite potential can even imagine it's limited and lacking, exactly because it's infinite potential. 

 

[Phil]

@howisitsoactivehere

Be loving without yourself. Be patient with yourself. You’re doing really, really great.

You’re looking at things with yourself you’ve never looked at before. It can get rollercoaster-ish at first. Major ups & downs, mental spiraling, rough outlooks.

That ok! 

 

This is how you’re feeling right now, and thoughts come up  like this is you now or this is how it is now or this is how it’s gonna be from here on out. But ‘this too shall pass’, you will be feeling better again, things will be clearer again, and you’ll see more than your orientation is different than before. You’re headed in the right direction. 

 

I notice two key things from what you shared… ‘writing this (expressing) makes me feel better’… and ‘I meditated and listened to Bernardo kastrup’. What that brings to mind… first we search and seek for stuff to make us feel better… and nothing works in long term sense… and then we start considering it’s what we already have, wether that’s discordant interpretations, beliefs, suppressed emotion, trauma, shadow work to do, etc… and it starts to ‘click’ that the relief, the feeling better for the longer term… starts with opening up and expression, and therein, letting go of what hasn’t been resonating. 

 

You’re definitely not alone in that. We all experience different shades of the same. It’s not easy at first to adopt the practice, to express, to appreciate letting stuff go… but look at you - you’re doing that. Imo - feel good about that. Even if your day is shot, even if you’re feeling hopelessness, even if you don’t have a good feeling thought to appreciate - feel good about that you are on the path, you are doing the work. There are these age old ‘tools’, and there’s whole community of the most loving dang people I’ve ever experienced, and you’re a part of that. 

[howisitsoactivehere]

@Mandy I'd smoke weed and play on my phone while in bed all day. I can't smoke weed anymore though because it apparently have me psychosis. As for using my phone, I'm on it every day all day, looking at Reddit, watching skateboarding videos, stuff like that. The rest of my time I either go for a walk or a jog while listening to music or Phil's videos. The medication I'm on makes my mood really flat, hopefully I can taper off it as some point, but part of me enjoys feeling neutral all the time, there's less suffering, but no joy either.

 

I'll check out yoga nidra, sounds interesting 🙂

Edited June 15, 2022 by howisitsoactivehere

[howisitsoactivehere]

@Phil I admit I have been falling into the trap of thinking things are never gonna change and I will have this headache forever.

 

The expressing is helping, it's like if I get it out on this forum, then I don't need to be ruminating on it all day in my head.

 

Appreciate your replies, I feel like I'm heading in the right direction.

[Mandy]

@howisitsoactivehere ❤️

1 minute ago, howisitsoactivehere said:

The expressing is helping, it's like if I get it out on this forum, then I don't need to be ruminating on it all day in my head.

👏🙏

[Phil]

2 hours ago, howisitsoactivehere said:

@Phil I admit I have been falling into the trap of thinking things are never gonna change and I will have this headache forever.

 

The expressing is helping, it's like if I get it out on this forum, then I don't need to be ruminating on it all day in my head.

 

Appreciate your replies, I feel like I'm heading in the right direction.

I feel like you are too. 🙂

Expression relieves the rumination by seeing / emptying out discordant thoughts… and then it’s easier to focus… and then focusing on what you do want resonates… and that is how ‘things change’.  If traveling and doing stuff is what you want to experience, it isn’t a waste of money - it’s what you want to experience. ‘Flat mood’ is thoughts about what you do want, and then self-defeating (as a creator) thoughts about how it’s not good. 🫤Or like having parents that care about you, but then the thought / interpretation victim. It the thought ‘there’s no joy’ arises… compare to being at peace right now… by feeling the breathing… enjoying this moment as it is… and then………………. focus on what is wanted… what feels good to you…which is what joy is. Life is supposed to be fun. This makes sense of life. 

 

The restless legs is related to the focusing on discordant thoughts. It’s like an underlying response or inclination to ‘run away’ from the discord. Allow it to be recognized, that some thoughts are discordant. As in, don’t feel good to you. And put how you feel, first. When consciously breathing, as in feeling breathing from the stomach… feel the peace & relaxation of doing so… and then feel the legs. Take a relaxed full breath into the stomach, consciously relaxing & feeling it… and then breathe out naturally, focusing on the breathe as appreciation… going into and loving, the legs. Repeat a few times. Relax more deeply each time. Fill the legs with love and appreciation more and more deeply. Love the thoughts about traveling… and love those leg thingy’s which allow it to be possible. Allow it all to make sense. Allow simplicity to shine through. 🙂 

[fopylo]

@Phil

4 hours ago, Phil said:

Expression relieves the rumination by seeing / emptying out discordant thoughts… and then it’s easier to focus… and then focusing on what you do want resonates… and that is how ‘things change’.

Damn Phil you spitting bars here

[nurthur11]

On 6/13/2022 at 12:04 PM, howisitsoactivehere said:

I woke up today did the meditation felt ok, had my breakfast, took my pills, listened to Bernardo kastrup, then I start to feel restless in my legs, start pacing around my room, try focusing on my breath, it doesn't work, then realize I still have 11 hours of the day left.

 

I have to go for a jog I have to shower, I really can't be bothered. I'll do it anyway. Writing this makes me feel better. It's so annoying living with parents especially if you have mental illness. They come in and check up on you throughout the day and you feel like such a victim. I wish they'd just leave me alone.

 

I'd love to move out but then I think what is the point. I'd just be wasting money, I can't look after myself like I used to. I used to travel and always be doing stuff. Not anymore.

Hello 🙂 ❤️

 

Stop being a victim bro. 😄🤠

Edited June 15, 2022 by nurthur11