howisitsoactivehere

Just an update. I didn't really do anything different except start playing this game called RuneScape. I've been playing it since September and life has got more tolerable. My tension headaches aren't as bad and my restlessness from my medication isn't as bad either. I no longer experience derealization. My life is still really boring from the outside looking in, but I'm quite content with it. I love just spending all day alone with my laptop. Life doesn't need to get any better from here on until the day I reincarnate. I still have existential fears about radical implications of oneness but that's probably some bs that Leo came up with. My life had no indications that there would be eternal torture, if I look at my childhood if you told that young boy that he'd experience the life of everyone who ever lived that would be the cruelest thing to hear. The thing is my childhood and the time and place I was born, it can't be random. But only I can understand that.

Haha

In life I barely ever have to talk. I feel like the centre of the universe sometimes because people just talk around me and nobody is ever like "you seem quiet today". I'm just the silent witness who watches life unfold. It's actually really comfy.

Hahaha. I dare you to make a non-duality video in a crowded subway

@Phil Yeah I never show my anger, I internalize it. I hate showing it, I see it as a sign of weakness. Also my parents treat me like a little kid if I get angry. Can I create a dreamboard on my phone? I find it so cringe that my parents will come in my room and see what's on my dreamboard

Every say is the same. Wake up, avoid my parents, eat peanut butter on toast at 12, go for a jog, drink orange juice, spend all day on my phone or staring at the ceiling, go for a walk, watch TV have dinner bedtime. Now that I found out other people don't have their own consciousness and are characters in my dream I've lost the ambition to do anything. All my ambition before came from impressing my friends, making them laugh. I suffered for decades for others and now I find out it was all for nothing. I'm not a real human being. The only people I feel love for in my life is my parents. And it's only because they look after me and help maintain my sanity, and add a little drama to my life. I recorded 2 videos yesterday and all I could think to talk about was how much I despise the non-dual community. I have no positive message to share with anyone. I respect Phil and Mandy because atleast their message has a light at the end of the tunnel, and they also give me good albeit confusing advice 😘 Idk what to do with myself

I don't have free will, I am free will? I am free to appear as anything. I can see how saying "I'm not thinking about free will" is ironic. Not sure about "I don't believe in free will".

You are free

@Mandy I don't understand 😭 "I want to ban pink elephants" = about pink elephants "No thought" = not about pink elephants "No free will" = about free will So free will exists?

@Phil Good to hear :)

@Mandy So you'd disagree with the radical non-dualists like tony parsons / Jim newman who straight up say there's no free will?

I'm confused, if there's nobody here then there's nobody who could choose to be happy, there's nobody who could choose to write something on a dreamboard, there's nobody to choose their desires. I'm so confused! Surely whatever happening is what's happening, and nobody can change that.

@Phil I admit I have been falling into the trap of thinking things are never gonna change and I will have this headache forever. The expressing is helping, it's like if I get it out on this forum, then I don't need to be ruminating on it all day in my head. Appreciate your replies, I feel like I'm heading in the right direction.

@Mandy I'd smoke weed and play on my phone while in bed all day. I can't smoke weed anymore though because it apparently have me psychosis. As for using my phone, I'm on it every day all day, looking at Reddit, watching skateboarding videos, stuff like that. The rest of my time I either go for a walk or a jog while listening to music or Phil's videos. The medication I'm on makes my mood really flat, hopefully I can taper off it as some point, but part of me enjoys feeling neutral all the time, there's less suffering, but no joy either. I'll check out yoga nidra, sounds interesting 🙂

I woke up today did the meditation felt ok, had my breakfast, took my pills, listened to Bernardo kastrup, then I start to feel restless in my legs, start pacing around my room, try focusing on my breath, it doesn't work, then realize I still have 11 hours of the day left. I have to go for a jog I have to shower, I really can't be bothered. I'll do it anyway. Writing this makes me feel better. It's so annoying living with parents especially if you have mental illness. They come in and check up on you throughout the day and you feel like such a victim. I wish they'd just leave me alone. I'd love to move out but then I think what is the point. I'd just be wasting money, I can't look after myself like I used to. I used to travel and always be doing stuff. Not anymore.

@Phil thanks you made it really clear

@Mandy I tried making a video yesterday but I just said nothing for 30 seconds because I couldn't think of anything to talk about. I find it quite shameful making vlogs, I don't want anyone to hear me ramble on like a idiot about bizarre topics

@Mandy Yep it's definitely shame. In the past I just avoided it but now I live with my parents I've been confronted with these issues. I want to live on my own again, but I don't think it's good for my mental health to be on my own so much. I just avoid everything, im so scared about being invited to weddings and stuff because I've done nothing with my life and my social skills are weak. It's easier just to avoid everything.

@Phil What do you mean by separate self exactly? Also are you saying fear doesn't exist but the emotion of fear does?

I'm scared of bumping into people I know on my daily walks. I replaced one of my walks for a jog so I don't have to stop and say hello. I'm scared of being invited to stuff. I'm scared of having to speak to others in front of my parents. I'm scared of people hearing me when I'm using the toilet. I'm scared of public toilets and urinals, so much so that I don't like to travel or go on trips because I'll probably end up constipated or damaging my bladder. I'm scared of the sun, I only leave the house when the UV is low enough. I'm scared of living on my own, because it means I'll have to work and possibly will be living with some weirdos in the house. I'm scared of having a partner because it always leads to cringe and disgusting behaviour. Thanks for reading.

@Phil Did I choose my current life? Like I imagined I was a child living next to the beach? Did I choose my parents? Did I imagine all of this and then forget that I did?

@Phil so basically I shouldn't be worrying about enlightenment, I should just be doing the practices of meditation and journaling via this forum.

Is enlightenment solipsism? Is it realising everything is an illusion? Is it realising everything is One? Is it realising everything is love? Is it no separation? Is it something than cannot be said? Is it feeling? Is it no self? I've had enough of the non-duality word salad, I just want to know if it really exists because I think I prefer materialism as a ontology for a happy life. Enlightenment seems like something you wouldn't want to hold onto for too long.

All activities are suffering disguised as 'fun'. What even is fun but a brief relief of suffering. I could go surfing but I have to put on a wetsuit, suncream, go into cold water, paddle out and get out of breath, maybe get a wave which lasts like 5 seconds. The juice isn't worth the squeeze. I'd rather go for a walk than go through all this suffering for a supposedly 'fun' activity. Doing sport with friends is even worse, competition is pure suffering. Relief if you win, feel awful if you lose. Life is so dull. It's just different activities which are all really the same. Work is totally pointless, everything is an illusion, it's literally pointless. You are better off living off government benefits than going to work for a living. Sorry about my toxic beliefs, I know I'm an awful person but what I say is logical. Phil's videos give me hope but then I look at the actuality of what life is, just infinite activities, infinite work, infinite suffering. I agreed with him when he said thriving is a cruel joke and that he used to look forward to sleep. That is my every day, the most annoying thing is sleep isn't long enough. It is an illusion you get 8 hours sleep, it feels like 30 minutes, then awake and another day of hell. God is coping hard with existence, that's why time exists.

@Mandy Thank you <3