Too shy to approach women

[Indisguise]

Hate it. I see a beautiful girl, I'd like to talk to her and say hello,  but I never do it. I'm so god damn shy. And it's just awful, when a girl smiles at me I'm just so perplexed sometimes that I don't even smile back😂 and this seems to be the crucial step in some way because it literally is the first step. Without approaching, absolutely nothing will happen. At least if I could approach a women and then fuck up, even that would be much better.

Just went for an evening ride with my bike through the park, saw a pretty girl who just packed her stuff and prepared to leave the pond she was chilling at, she looks at me, I look at her - and I just keep looking at her like an idiot, sort of frozen, incapable of approaching her. After that I thought "jesus christ man, maybe there's something seriously messed up with you, maybe I should pull out the big guns and face my demons with regards to women during a psychedelic trip" (LSD would probably be the better choice here right?). Honestly, that would  be more worth to me right now than some insight into consciousness or the nature of reality.

Today in the lab, my supervisor made a joke and said "[...] but then your girlfriend wouldn't be able to fall asleep [...]", and I steered to joke into another direction because I'm single, and for some reason, this has started to bother me. So... Gotta start approaching women, not in a disgusting PUA sort of way, I'm not interseting in picking up women. But I do want to get to know more women and not only as platonic friends.

Edit: It's even a bit uncomfortable talking about this, because it means facing it (even if it's only facing it a liiiitle bit). But hey, this place is all about expressing and I love you people, so😄

[Forza21]

4 minutes ago, Indisguise said:

Hate it. I see a beautiful girl, I'd like to talk to her and say hello,  but I never do it. I'm so god damn shy. And it's just awful, when a girl smiles at me I'm just so perplexed sometimes that I don't even smile back😂 and this seems to be the crucial step in some way because it literally is the first step. Without approaching, absolutely nothing will happen. At least if I could approach a women and then fuck up, even that would be much better.

Just went for an evening ride with my bike through the park, saw a pretty girl who just packed her stuff and prepared to leave the pond she was chilling at, she looks at me, I look at her - and I just keep looking at her like an idiot, sort of frozen, incapable of approaching her. After that I thought "jesus christ man, maybe there's something seriously messed up with you, maybe I should pull out the big guns and face my demons with regards to women during a psychedelic trip" (LSD would probably be the better choice here right?). Honestly, that would  be more worth to me right now than some insight into consciousness or the nature of reality.

Today in the lab, my supervisor made a joke and said "[...] but then your girlfriend wouldn't be able to fall asleep [...]", and I steered to joke into another direction because I'm single, and for some reason, this has started to bother me. So... Gotta start approaching women, not in a disgusting PUA sort of way, I'm not interseting in picking up women. But I do want to get to know more women and not only as platonic friends.

 Imagine, right now, you're approaching a girl you like. Notice fear. There are also many mental images in your mind.  Notice them, and look, what's your biggest fear related to that situation. 

There might be many scenarios in your head, like " i'm not interested enough" " i don't know what to say" "i'm shy" " she's going to reject me" etc. 

Those, obviously, are just thoughts and mental projections.

Now, notice, that you aren't really afraid of those scenarios. Be honest, it's not about it. Not at all.

 You are afraid HOW YOU'RE GOING TO FEEL if that scenarios happens. 

And the trick is, that you are experiencing this feeling in your body, every-damn-time when you're thinking about it. You are experiencing this feeling right now, if you imagine it.

It's not going to kill you, right? You have experience with that feeling. You know it well. So you might as well go, and try. Worst case scenario - you will experience this feeling once again. And with that experience you will manage... 

It's not about the situation, it's about, how you think, you're going to feel, if it goes wrong... realize that, accept it, and be free.

[Nowt]

 

57 minutes ago, Indisguise said:

: It's even a bit uncomfortable talking about this, because it means facing it (even if it's only facing it a liiiitle bit).

 

A lot of respect to you for even writing that post 🙌 That happens to most guys I think at some point and most daren't admit it. 

 

I'd just say don't over-think it. Be you. I know that sounds like crappy advice and a cliche, but all it takes is just saying "hi, I'm ....." and off the conversation goes!

 

Over think it and analyse it too much and the worse the problem seems to become (for me anyway). 

 

Ironically, I think you did something way more difficult by writing about it ☺️

 

You got some great things to say on here, girls are gonna dig you 😉

 

[Phil]

@Indisguise

I’d look at the scale and give your best guess as to which emotion arises around this topic. This can help ‘dial you in’ to what’s going on behind the scenes so to speak, and what can be released and or what interpretation can be changed. It might be fear. Maybe of rejection, and that might be the interpretation to change. Some will, some won’t, so what. There’s billions, and they’re all just like you in terms of interpreting. Excitement vs nervous / anxiousness / anxiety. Attracting & enthusiasm vs apprehension / concern / ‘what if’ thinking. 

 

Not tryna psychoanalyze here but the first word of the op is hate. Maybe that’s a clue. Maybe you are knowing what you are desiring & wanting… and attracting… and then hating. Maybe someone or some relationship comes to mind. Maybe there’s some hate to be expressed with respect to a past relationship, person or perhaps an incident or event. Work that up the scale. How would the rest of the thoughts look if you got to and started with “Love it….”. As Byron Katie says - who would you be without that thought? 

 

Apply appreciation as Well. It’s the WD-40, the duct tape of all experience. It can be applied to everything. Appreciate the ‘nerves’ the ‘jitters’ - the excitement, the duality at play. See the beauty in it all. 

 

One great way to stoke the fire of appreciating life, is contemplating your inevitable death. Maybe that could be applied. Try taking a few minutes to meditatively contemplate that one day you will be old, maybe happily with someone, maybe not… but indeed this too shall pass, and I imagine you’d want nothing more than to be able to sincerely say I fucking lived, I really lived. (Pssst… the ladies want to feel that too, it attracts). 

 

Also, if you’ve had your heart broken, maybe some suffering is arising and being projected onto the situation of potential dates & significant others. If you haven’t had your heart broken, it’s inevitable. Allow it. Don’t not live to protect your love. It’s telling you to go for it, to live to the fullest. It also oozes out like when an egg is cracked. Seems like it’ll be the worst, and of course like the ‘monster in the closet’, it’s the total opposite. I mean, you’ll cry a ton etc, but you’ll be an omelette. Like I’m-let this come into my life, and this, and this and this.

 

There’s also that pesky belief there “I’m…_________”. 

That ain’t true. 

😬

 

@Nowt @Forza21 🍻

 

 

@Indisguise

If any ‘out thinkin yourself’ ‘gettin in your head’ too much transpires… bring us to mind, right there with ya, right behind ya rootin you on, sayin you got this!  She’d be lucky to have ya!!

 

 

[Mandy]

Do you really want to approach women, or do you want to be around more women, get to know them naturally, maybe do online dating, etc...? There's nothing wrong or unattractive about being shy. You might be believing that there is, and believing that to get what you want you must go about it in the hardest possible way in order to get what you want.

[WhiteOwl]

I know your problem, i've dealt with that as well. Still do to some degree depending how attracted or interrested i am in the other person. It sounds like you have put it on a pedestal, when really its a small thing. Like mandy said, you believe you are in some way and you need to fix yourself before you can approach women. The hinderance is those beliefs. Also ask yourself about the worst case scenario. You say hi, you don't know what to say more, it becomes awkvard, and so what? It will give you an unpleasant emotion, that's all, nothing to be afraid of. I think you need that experience. You have mystified it too much. Go to one of the raves again and go to the smoking area. You will be able to approach and talk to women there, and have the music etc to talk about. Step away from that whole story that you just told and Just Do It 😄 

[Indisguise]

On 5/31/2022 at 9:13 PM, Forza21 said:

It's not about the situation, it's about, how you think, you're going to feel, if it goes wrong... realize that, accept it, and be free.

@Forza21 Yes, you're right. The problem is that as soon as I think about approaching a girl, all my mindfulness goes down the toilet and I totally believe in thoughts. Perhaps I should really cosnciously observe the thoughts as just thoughts and then go ahead.

 

On 5/31/2022 at 10:05 PM, Phil said:

I’d look at the scale and give your best guess as to which emotion arises around this topic

@Phil Guess it's insecurity/unworthiness at the low end and doubt and disappointment at the high end. Next time I'll observe this more carefully and then go back to the scale, I want to see which thoughts arise most strongly. But it's definitely thoughts about myself and about the situation, how either I'm somehow lacking or how the situation will be a failure and this will just prove/demonstrate how the thoughts about myself ("can't approach women, too awkward/shy, don't know what to say, etc.") were true (which would be the doubnt resulting in disappointment - although I'm disappointed whenever I fail to approach a girl, because then my doubt also turns into diappointment ("see? told ya that you couldn't do it")).

 

On 5/31/2022 at 10:05 PM, Phil said:

Maybe someone or some relationship comes to mind. Maybe there’s some hate to be expressed with respect to a past relationship, person or perhaps an incident or event

On 5/31/2022 at 10:05 PM, Phil said:

Also, if you’ve had your heart broken, maybe some suffering is arising and being projected onto the situation of potential dates & significant others

 

Yeah, the very first (semi-)relationship resulted in a catastrophy because when I was younger, I was kind of a dumbass (just less than today😄). It resulted in utter rejection, but deservedly. Because again, I was a total dipshit. Haven't fully worked it out yet, but I'm sure this is part of it. Funny though, because I think this catalyzed my general development

On 6/1/2022 at 12:03 AM, Mandy said:

Do you really want to approach women, or do you want to be around more women, get to know them naturally, maybe do online dating, etc...?

@Mandy Both! 

 

8 hours ago, WhiteOwl said:

It sounds like you have put it on a pedestal, when really its a small thing. Like mandy said, you believe you are in some way and you need to fix yourself before you can approach women. The hinderance is those beliefs.

@WhiteOwl Sounds right. It seems like a big deal to me when in reality, it probably isn't. I even thought about driving to a large city nearby and just approaching women for a whole day, just to kinda get over it and see that it's not a big deal, and that the women won't eat me alive, even if it turns awkward😂

[Phil]

6 hours ago, Indisguise said:

Guess it's insecurity/unworthiness at the low end and doubt and disappointment at the high end. Next time I'll observe this more carefully and then go back to the scale, I want to see which thoughts arise most strongly. ———————— But it's definitely thoughts about myself and about the situation, how either I'm somehow lacking or how the situation will be a failure and this will just prove/demonstrate how the thoughts about myself ("can't approach women, too awkward/shy, don't know what to say, etc.") were true (which would be the doubnt resulting in disappointment - although I'm disappointed whenever I fail to approach a girl, because then my doubt also turns into diappointment ("see? told ya that you couldn't do it")).

That ——————— point is where the all important change stands to happen. One route is going down the same thought path, of believing the self referential thoughts. The other route is using the scale / continuing ‘up the scale’. The first route ends with discord & no change, the second route ends with a full circle back to Self. First route ends in there is a problem and a need for a solution, the second route is wholeness, fullness, already happy-ness. More simply put, believing neediness and wanting, vs wanting without neediness. Another way to put it, her as an object which will make you happy, vs you as already happiness, and a sharing of. 

 

It really is the darndest thing… how easy it is to believe self referential thoughts, thoughts about ‘a separate self’, and miss that… due to believing the thoughts. Without continuing up the scale, it does seem like there’s a you, and you’re lacking or know how interactions will go. The difference hinges on I’m disappointed, I fail, my  doubt… vs I’m experiencing the emotion of disappointment, I’m experiencing the emotion of doubt. In the first route, it’s about ‘a you’, a ‘separate self’. With the second route, the emotions are guidance letting you know the truth about the thoughts… and therein, ourself. Carried out fully… there’s actually no such thing as females, or males, or a self, or selves or people at all…  just the belief(s) that there is, and a rather persistent relentless humor. Don’t try to realize no-self, just notice the thoughts about one, and how you feel. 🤍 This will no longer seem like a big deal….. wait for it….. to me. 

 

Hate it. I see a beautiful girl, I'd like to talk to her and say hello,  but I never do it. I'm so god damn shy. And it's just awful, when a girl smiles at me I'm just so perplexed sometimes that I don't even smile back😂 and this seems to be the crucial step in some way because it literally is the first step.

 

See how it’s actually the tenth step. The first nine steps were the thought / belief about hating, a separate self who’d like to talk to a separate self, a separate self which never does it, a separate self which is shy, an almost acknowledging of the discord of these thoughts, a separate self which doesn’t smile back, a separate self for which this is crucial, and the belief this is literally the first step.   

[Kevin]

On 5/31/2022 at 12:01 PM, Indisguise said:

Hate it. I see a beautiful girl, I'd like to talk to her and say hello,  but I never do it. I'm so god damn shy. And it's just awful, when a girl smiles at me I'm just so perplexed sometimes that I don't even smile back😂 and this seems to be the crucial step in some way because it literally is the first step. Without approaching, absolutely nothing will happen. At least if I could approach a women and then fuck up, even that would be much better.

Just went for an evening ride with my bike through the park, saw a pretty girl who just packed her stuff and prepared to leave the pond she was chilling at, she looks at me, I look at her - and I just keep looking at her like an idiot, sort of frozen, incapable of approaching her. After that I thought "jesus christ man, maybe there's something seriously messed up with you, maybe I should pull out the big guns and face my demons with regards to women during a psychedelic trip" (LSD would probably be the better choice here right?). Honestly, that would  be more worth to me right now than some insight into consciousness or the nature of reality.

Today in the lab, my supervisor made a joke and said "[...] but then your girlfriend wouldn't be able to fall asleep [...]", and I steered to joke into another direction because I'm single, and for some reason, this has started to bother me. So... Gotta start approaching women, not in a disgusting PUA sort of way, I'm not interseting in picking up women. But I do want to get to know more women and not only as platonic friends.

Edit: It's even a bit uncomfortable talking about this, because it means facing it (even if it's only facing it a liiiitle bit). But hey, this place is all about expressing and I love you people, so😄

Hey man I struggle with this too so you’re not alone. Things like meditation and questioning thinking are great for this. A practical thing that helped me was being more friendly to everyone. I noticed that I’d I hadn’t talked to anyone so far that day it was a lot harder to talk to a girl I didn’t know. So what I started doing is going out of my way to engage people. I’d smile and say hi to random people and make small talk with people throughout my day. If you do all that it will probably feel more normal to talk to a girl you don’t know.

[Phil]

On 6/2/2022 at 1:48 AM, Indisguise said:

although I'm disappointed whenever I fail

You’re defining fail. Without that it doesn’t exist. Every attempt, regardless of result, is growth, progress. 

Also, an experience of the emotion disappointment vs I’m disappointed.