will of the heart

[ivankiss]

Something tells me, staying at my grandmother's for the next 4 months will not be possible. It seems too damn long. I might have to think of another option. That friend of the family would still take me in, I suppose.

 

I don't know... I could get an apartment for myself right away, but then I would not be able to save up money. I must live rent free for the next few months if I want to realize my vision. 

 

This is the only way I see now. I need that money, and there is no other way to it. Maybe this is the wrong approach, but it's all I can think of. 

 

One day at a time...

[Faith]

@ivankiss Can you maybe rent a room somewhere that allows you to have access to kitchen/bathroom? Would be much cheaper then getting your own apartment. 

 

Your grandma reminds me of my bio mom, except mine would binge drink for days, then dry out for a few, but she was a foul mouthed, nasty drunk. 

 

Glad for you that you found another job. 💙

 

[ivankiss]

@Faith I checked and there are no available rooms in this area. It's a super small town. And even if there was, it would not be much cheaper than a small apartment. Rents are crazy here due to tourism. Especially in the summer.

 

Will see... So far it's ok, I guess, but if things become unbearable with my grandmother I'll have to find another option.

 

[Faith]

@ivankiss Gotcha! 

[ivankiss]

Hm... I might have a hack for this situation with my grandmother... It's basically being super extroverted around her. To the point where I barely let her speak lol. I can do that for those 30 minutes or so that we see each other everyday.

 

I don't think of myself as neither an introvert nor an extrovert. It could be said that I'm really good at and comfortable with both. I think the word for that is 'ambivert' or 'omnivert'... I like how that sounds.

 

I definitely need my quite time to sink into myself, but I also enjoy interacting. I'm not shy or anything like that, in most situations. However, in order to be authentically outgoing I must feel good within myself first. If I'm in any kind of pain, confusion or inner conflict, more often than not I don't want to talk to anyone or listen to anyone talking to me. 

 

So yeah, I think this might work. Every night I'll just talk about my day for some time and that should keep my grandmother quiet lol.

 

It was a good day. Off to bed slowly.

[Faith]

30 minutes ago, ivankiss said:

So yeah, I think this might work. Every night I'll just talk about my day for some time and that should keep my grandmother quiet lol.

Well, won't hurt to try that approach. Might be entertaining for her? 

 

[ivankiss]

5 hours ago, Faith said:

 Might be entertaining for her? 

 

Yeah, something along those lines, I imagine.

[ivankiss]

I just woke up from a super weird, vivid and long dream with my toxic ex lol. We were hanging out for at least 24hrs in the dream. She and her new boyfriend, me and my new girlfriend, and a few more people. We were basically trying to make each other jealous, but I was not feeling any jealousy really. Neither did I feel attracted to her. Well, maybe just a tiny little bit. I was far more attracted to the girl I was dating in this dream. And I was aware of how she's basically treating this new boyfriend the same way she treated me. Maybe even worse. I kinda felt sorry for the guy. She was clearly not in love with him, maybe she didn't even like him. She just needed 'narcissistic supply'. It was so easy to see through. Crystal clear. She was far more jealous of my new girlfriend, as I recall.

 

Weird stuff haha! Definitely not something that would happen in real life... It's been a while since I dreamed of her, but I think this is the first time where the roles flipped, in a sense... I was not powerless in this dream and I did not feel threatened or anything. I was not being abused, manipulated or anything like that.

 

Maybe this is a sign I'm starting to really be over her... In any case, not looking forward to dreaming of her anytime soon haha.

 

Back to bed.

[ivankiss]

Matt Kahn once said something that resonated a lot. It made a lot of sense.

 

Basically, the way 'a narcissist' is waking up is completely different than the way 'an empath' is waking up. They are pretty much completely opposite paths.

 

For the narcissist, awakening is about realizing that 'Oh, it's not all about me. There is more than just me in this universe. There is a bigger picture here.' Etc. On this path the narcissist learns compassion, learns to open up their heart and mind, learns about infinite perspectives, learns to trust and surrender to Source, etc...

 

While the empath already has an open heart, is naturally compassionate, understands other viewpoints, is already aware of their connection to Source, is already surrendered, etc. For an empath the path looks something more like 'I matter. I am worthy. I have something important to contribute here.' It's about reclaiming the power that has been taken away by, you guessed it, narcissists. It's about standing your ground. It's about setting boundaries. It's about shining bright without feeling like it's too much, or like you're taking anything away from anyone's experience. It's about grounding. It's about speaking your mind freely and passionately. It's about bringing forth everything you have to offer, with confidence.

 

Everyone has narcissistic tendencies, and everyone has the ability to be empathetic. But I would say, that most people are panned either hard left or hard right. Hence the two paths.

Edited May 26, 2022 by ivankiss

[ivankiss]

Maximum love. Maximum metal.

So they say
You'll be ok
But words are not enough
Nobody remembered me
The words were not enough

 

Calm yourself down
Don't you remember when we were young?
Don't you remember who I am?
You're strong enough

 

Dues to pay
Towards the way
Towards my friend, towards
Two must play
The foolish game
To war my friend, to war

 

So they rise, the fear and pain, but this isn't how I am
Don't you forget that you are loved
Don't you forget that you are them
It's hard enough

 

Remember the flame in your heart burns strong
Remember and the spirit will collide
Remember, together
Remember in the end that death is not the end

 

So we rise
Receive the pain, but this isn't where this ends
Don't you forget that you are perfect
Don't you forget just who we are
We're strong enough

 

Wherever the flame in your heart burns strong
We may not be brave so let's start
Remember and the spirits will collide

 

Remember, together
Remember, together

[ivankiss]

Wow, I feel so much gratitude right now it brought tears to my eyes. It's too damn beautiful. 

 

Thank so freaking much for everything. 

[ivankiss]

Alright! First week at my new job flew by so quickly I barely even noticed I've been working. This job is perfect for this phase. It's super chill. It's still just a job, and it's not what I'd absolutely love to do, but it's what I absolutely need now in order to get there.

 

I'm satisfied and at peace.

 

Tomorrow is my first day off and I'm not quite sure about how I'm going to spend it. Sex is often on my mind these days. I'd love to hook up with a girl. But it's not doable where I am now. I don't want to go out, approach girls, etc. I don't feel like it. Even if that would work out, I'd have to take her back to a hotel or something, and that doesn't seem right. I need an apartment for that kind of stuff. It automatically adds to my confidence. I cannot tell a girl I'm staying at my grandmother's place haha! Seems super lame.

 

The other option is to drive 200km to the city where I lived before, and hook up with a girl that I already had sex with before. But idk, it seems like too much work. Plus it's barely doable in one day only.

 

This is the longest period I went without having sex so far lol. 5 months or so. Overall, I think I'm doing ok, but at times it's kinda difficult. I love sex haha! 

 

Hopefully this too will only make me stronger, more disciplined, etc. I know I'm doing the right thing by focusing on bettering myself first. Fun comes second.

 

Besides that, feeling pretty damn good and abundant. Tips were awesome, and my boss already paid me for this week. I don't have much, but I feel like I have at least 10x more than I do. Trying to spend as little as possible.

Edited May 27, 2022 by ivankiss

[ivankiss]

Enjoyed my first day off. Washed and cleaned my car, ate good food, walked quite a bit, discovered awesome new music and even sang a little bit. It was great.

 

Some friction with my grandmother earlier today but I spoke up loud and clear, set a firm boundary, and the situation resolved itself pretty fast. Later on, I even enjoyed talking to her about some history/family tree and stuff. 

 

Feeling good and on track.

 

About to watch a movie now and then sleep.

[ivankiss]

Not much to report. Everything is running smoothly. 

 

Feeling good throughout the day. Slight oscillations in energy levels, but nothing a quick nap or some breathwork cannot fix. 

 

Breath of fire > coffee 

Definitely.

 

No 'unwanted' thoughts, no emotional roller coasters. I'm focused, centred and committed.

 

So far so good.

[ivankiss]

Felt super excited earlier on the job. Almost ecstatic. It hit me out of nowhere: man, I am so freaking free! I can do or become pretty much whatever the heck I want. I'm only 27 years old, and I'm already so damn rich with experience. I've been through some real nasty lows and some heavenly beautiful highs. What's yet to come? Who knows! I can afford to fail a thousand more times, I can afford to be uncertain, indecisive, foolish and all that. There's nothing holding me back. I can try out things, see what I like and don't like, say yes, say no, it's all so damn open and free.

 

I'm also super grateful that I have no kids. I have been close to having kids a few times up until now, but I'm not ashamed to say it, it would have limited me so much with what I can or cannot do. I like the idea, and I love kids, but I am absolutely in no rush. 35 and on seems like a good age for that, for me. Then again, finding the right partner for having a family is another thing. It's anything but easy in this crazy world. But I trust it will happen naturally, magically, if and when it's supposed to happen. Until then, I will be focused on my purpose, passion, and simply experiencing everything this life has to offer. I can also imagine myself never having kids... Will see.

 

Health must become my no1 priority. It only makes sense. That's the only thing I really need to extract the most out of this lifetime.

 

It's a beautiful day!

[ivankiss]

I dreamed if my ex last night again. My mind is a bit clouded by thoughts of her again. It's so damn frustrating. I just want this shit fully out of my system, yet it seems there's nothing I can really do about it, but wait it out.

 

I am not missing her, I don't want her back, I don't want anything to do with her ever again. Why is she still orbiting me? Why won't she disappear?

 

It was clearly the worst relationship ever and she was clearly the worst girlfriend ever. Rude, abusive, mean, neurotic, aggressive, inauthentic, manipulative and heartless. There is no one thing I should be attracted to in her. Why does she seem like such a big and important character in my life? Why the hell was I putting up with all that crap so damn long? I knew I should be out the door the first week of that relationship. Yet I stood still for 4 fucking years.

 

I loved her, I hated her, I wanted to help her and I believed she was the one for me, underneath all that crap. We clearly matched because of our pain and trauma. Not because we were ready for real love. It has to do something with my mother, for sure. There are too many similarities. 

 

I absorbed an enormous amount of information on trauma bonds, narcissistic abuse, personality disorders, toxic relationships and all that biz. It all makes complete sense to me now. I know what were my weaknesses. I know how it got to this. But knowing or understanding does not seem to be enough. It simply won't let go of me just yet. 

 

I know I could've distracted myself by getting into a new relationship right away. And knowing her, that's probably exactly what she did. But I knew that was not smart for me. I knew I had to work through all this stuff and heal before I commit to new relationship. I knew I had to bite the pain and spend a longer period being by myself. But man, sometimes I cannot help myself but think of how she's screwing God knows who and how often, parties and hangs out, while I'm spending all this time in complete solitude and isolation, working on myself. In the long run, it's going to pay off oh so much, but while in this phase, it's anything but easy.

 

I don't want another crappy relationship. I don't want another big lie. I don't want fake friends and fake interactions. I chose to walk this path all alone, for a very good reason. I need this. I want this. But I cannot help myself but feel behind or less than.

 

I want to shut down my compassion and understanding for her and people similar to her. My mother and grandmother included. Compassion is where she got in. Compassion is how she was able to manipulate me. Deceive me and spit right into my face. Fuck compassion for people like that. Real compassion must be towards me, for surviving the hell of these predators. They may be hurting and lost, but that's none of my business, really. I got my own things to resolve. May they find their way.

 

I was a victim and there is no shame in that. It's ok to say it out loud. Fuck anyone who attacks you on your lowest, while you're vulnerable and the wounds are open. I don't plan on staying in victim mentality, nor do I like playing victim. Precisely the opposite. But I cannot pretend I did not go through what I did. Cannot heal before accepting the victim in me. 

 

Besides all this relationship shit, I'm still feeling pretty damn good and on track. I miss sex, hence these thoughts of my ex are even louder.

[ivankiss]

I tried to love you
I thought I could
I tried to own you
I thought I would
I want to peel the skin from your face
Before the real you lays to waste

 

You told me I'm the only one
Sweet little angel
You should have run
Lying, crying, dying to leave
Innocence creates my hell

 

Cheating myself
Still, you know more
It would be so easy
With a whore
Try to understand me, little girl
My twisted passion to be your world

 

Lost inside my sick head
I live for you but I'm not alive
Take my hand before I kill
I still love you, but, I still burn

Love, hate, love

[ivankiss]

Another great day. I feel more and more alive. Stronger every day. More and more aligned. 

 

Building up a nice momentum. Days are flying by very fast. I feel secure. Got that tunnel vision. 

 

Feeling proud of myself for being this committed. It's not that easy, but it's also very satisfying. 

 

I sleep and rest quite a lot. 8hrs + a nap. My body needs it.

 

All is well.

[ivankiss]

It was quite a busy night. The restaurant got very crowded and noisy, in a short period of time. My nervous system was not liking it too much. I started dissociating a bit. The lights were too bright, the noise was too sharp. I was running all over the place, multitasking 100km/h. I kinda got pulled out of myself. But overall, it wasn't that bad. It did not last too long. Thank God I have these long breaks in between lunch and dinner time. I cannot imagine doing this work for 8 or even 12 hours straight, as I used to in the past. It's madness. Doesn't get much more stressful than working in a restaurant. Tomorrow I'm free again. Looking forward to unwinding a bit.

 

I've been thinking quite a lot about where should I go after the summer ends,and I achieve what I want to achieve here. I'm still not quite sure about that. A part of me wants to fly to Asia and another part of me wants to go to some place else in Europe. Maybe Netherlands or something like that. Even Budapest seems attractive. I also feel a pull back to the city where I used to live before coming here. I've been there for the past two years or so, and it started feeling like home. I know quite a few people there and I like the city. But Idk, I think I'm only drawn to it because it is known. I think I've extracted everything I had there. I feel like I need something totally new, but I'm also kinda scared of making the wrong decision. I know it's too soon just yet, and I'll probably know where to go once I finish my business here. But it's nice to have an idea in mind, to give me some motivation while in this phase.

 

What I'm sure of, is that I'm not staying where I am now. I really don't like this city. Everyone is super pretentious. Everything is plastic and superficial. The city has no heart, no soul. There is no alternative scene or any real diversity really. 99% of the people dress the same, have the same haircut, talk the same, walk the same, go to the same places. No individual is truly unique. It's also too small for me. Merely 35k residents.

 

So yeah, I'm only here till summer ends. I must decide for later.

[ivankiss]

Had sex today, finally. I had to put in quite some effort to make it happen, but it was so worth it. Feeling reborn haha! I also smoked some cbd after a long pause. It was nice. Mellowed me out a bit and made the orgasm stronger. It was awesome.

 

A day off well spent. I'm satisfied, but I also kinda want more... Hopefully it won't be another 5 months till next time haha!