will of the heart

[ivankiss]

@Loop Left I went indeed. Here's the view:

 

[Loop]

@ivankiss

 

What a lovely view! Scenery like that always puts me in a more meditative mood.

May you find stillness & clarity as you walk 🙏

[Tarak]

Just a hunch I got, reading your last posts:

Do you know Rainbow gatherings? When I was on the road an eternity ago, I frequently "rested" for a few weeks on gatherings. Great open minded people, back to nature, and you only pay what you are able to (and if that is 0 €, that's also OK). It might not be your thing, but it doesn't hurt to know it exists.

 

On https://festivalsandretreats.com/rainbow-gatherings-in-europe-2016/ (the page gets updated, the ones on there are not the 2016 gatherings, but the 2022 ones) you can see when and in what country they are. You'll probably have to join the RainbowForum.net to get more information (they tend to not post locations in public since some government are very against a bunch of hippies singing in a forest).

 

There is one in middle Europe from May 30th to June 29th, but about 2 weeks before it "officially" starts people start gathering to build up the kitchens and tents.

[ivankiss]

@Loop Thank you. The scenery was nice, but what I love even more is just walking and breathing. Feeling pretty good right now.

 

@Tarak That sounds like an awesome adventure. Thank you for sharing.

 

I remember years ago, my buddy and I were hosting a group of travelling hippies - if you will - and they mentioned they were heading towards such a gathering. Not sure if it was the same one, it was taking place somewhere in the Netherlands, I believe.

 

I did camp on festivals before and enjoyed it a lot. I imagine it would be somewhat of a similar experience. Not sure if it's relevant now though... Will keep it in mind. 

 

Thanks!

[Tarak]

Most countries have a yearly gathering, some are very tiny (20-30 people), most have a couple of 100 people. The European one has a couple of 1000 people. I heard the ones in USA have 20-30k, but never went there.

 

Just search on YT for rainbow gathering to get an idea of what it is. It's mostly hippies, people who live in a van, people working with alternative medicine and therapy and the odd banker that needs 1 month in nature to stress out after year fulltime working 🤣

[ivankiss]

@Tarak Just checked out some vids, and it looks pretty much exactly as I imagined it haha! Not gonna lie, I like it and I don't like it at the same time haha! 

[ivankiss]

So my grandmother called... My mother let her know what went down yesterday. 

 

Grandma offered me to sleep on her couch and use her bathroom, if I wanted. So I drove there, mainly because I wanted to take a shower real bad. I'm ok with sleeping in my car, but having no place to take a shower can really suck. 

 

I'm crashing here tonight, but I'm not sure for later. She's a pretty heavy drinker and has her own issues too. She's also a master manipulator and gaslighter lol. My mother had a terrible upbringing due to her drinking and stuff...

So I'm not sure if it's smart to stay here for to long either. Will see...

 

One day at a time.

[Tarak]

3 minutes ago, ivankiss said:

So my grandmother called... My mother let her know what went down yesterday. 

 

Grandma offered me to sleep on her couch and use her bathroom, if I wanted. So I drove there, mainly because I wanted to take a shower real bad. I'm ok with sleeping in my car, but having no place to take a shower can really suck. 

 

I'm crashing here tonight, but I'm not sure for later. She's a pretty heavy drinker and has her own issues too. She's also a master manipulator and gaslighter lol. My mother had a terrible upbringing due to her drinking and stuff...

So I'm not sure if it's smart to stay here for to long either. Will see...

 

One day at a time.

Generational trauma is the worst, because every generation makes it a bit worse until one finally decides to transcend it. And it feels to me like you are the one that will do it in your family. Go for it, tiger! 🙂

[Faith]

13 hours ago, ivankiss said:

Thank you @Faith It's nice to have someone to relate to in times like this.

 

Oh yes, I've been there in one way or another. I can even admit, that life is much easier and lighter now that my mom is gone, but when she was here there was plenty of feelings that were hard to deal with, from guilt to complete anger, up and down like a roller coaster. When I would go no-contact it was sometimes easier and sometimes not. 

 

No one was really ever able to make me feel better about it, because although they said they understood they couldn't really know and they couldn't  take away the guilt, hurt and pain I had dealt for most my life. 

 

I wish you peace. 🙏 

 

 

 

[ivankiss]

@Tarak Oh yeah, for sure. I've been aware of all that for quite a while now, and I thought that I was out and done with all this crap years ago. I went no contact for 2 years or so, moved to the other side of the globe... but then I ended up in an equally if not more toxic and abusive relationship with my then girlfriend haha! Been picking myself back up, ever since that nightmare ended. Things were going pretty good for some time, but then life threw a few curveballs and now I'm here. Back where it all started - so to speak. It's fucked up, hilarious and everything in between haha!

 

@Faith Heavy... I'm really sorry. Must have been devastating. I admire you for being so strong and surviving all that hell.

 

I'm totally fine with going no contact again, and I'm also fine with keeping the contact minimal. Loving from far away - so to speak. But I honestly don't know how I would handle her dying. I don't feel ready for that, at all. It's crossing my mind often and it's scaring the crap out of me. I don't want it to end like this. I truly hope it does not. It's not time yet.

 

There must be a way for us two to find some sort of a common language. I know the love is great and mutual. It's just all this conditioning, or whatever it is, that's in the way.

 

Much love and respect to you.

[Tarak]

12 minutes ago, ivankiss said:

@Tarak Oh yeah, for sure. I've been aware of all that for quite a while now, and I thought that I was out and done with all this crap years ago. I went no contact for 2 years or so, moved to the other side of the globe... but then I ended up in an equally if not more toxic and abusive relationship with my then girlfriend haha! Been picking myself back up, ever since that nightmare ended. Things were going pretty good for some time, but then life threw a few curveballs and now I'm here. Back where it all started - so to speak. It's fucked up, hilarious and everything in between haha!

I see a pattern! Not sure what the lesson is you have to learn from this, since my lessons are different ones (I think). Quite sure someone else in this community will be able to tell you more/help you see clear.

 

It's indeed hilarious and tragic at the same time.

Peace 🙏

[ivankiss]

@Tarak It's all connected, for sure. I'm often bombarded with insights and ideas about it all... but the more I think about it, or try to understand it, the more my mind feels like it's about to explode lol.

 

Shaking, crying and screaming out loud seems to be much more helpful. I also really feel like I need to hit the gym and start lifting heavy weights.

 

Thanks again for your input. May you be blessed.

[Faith]

1 hour ago, ivankiss said:

Heavy... I'm really sorry.

Oops. Sorry, the "story" drizzles out sometimes, it was part of my conditioning for a long time, but really I'm totally good now. 😊  

 

1 hour ago, ivankiss said:

There must be a way for us two to find some sort of a common language. I know the love is great and mutual. It's just all this conditioning, or whatever it is, that's in the way.

In that case. Maybe just a bit of time and things will reset. You'll both be in a better "space" hopefully and can let things go. 

 

Love and respect to you as well. 🥰

 

 

 

[ivankiss]

Slept good. Feeling a bit out of place again, but it only makes sense. 

 

I'll be spending my days outdoors now, sleeping and cleaning myself at my grandmother's. Monday I'm going to look for a job and then I might leave her place. A friend of the family offered me to sleep on his couch. He's a kind hearted guy, and at least I don't have any trauma bond or whatever going on with him. I think it would be a much safer choice.

 

Until then: walking, thinking, breathing, music... that's pretty much all.

 

It's incredible how soothing heavy metal can be:

 

Look down at the body
you may see no trace of wounds
but in the eye
the eye of the beholder
one cannot assume

Not a drop of blood is drawn
but you know how it bleeds
beware of the sharp edged weapon
called human being

It is a shield of passion
and strong will
from this I am the victor
instead of the kill

I will not feed your hunger, instead
I bite the pain
looking not back, but forward
I bite down hard
try to cover up the trail of deceit
and daggers spawned from your soul

Acid, the tears of remorse
flow in vain, too late for regrets
save it
for the next ill fated game

[ivankiss]

Something pretty incredible happened earlier while I was walking. It wasn't really the first time it happened, but it's been a while...

 

I don't know if I can describe it accurately, but basically I had full awareness and control of my body. Or at least much, much more than I'm used to. I felt one with this sensation that we label 'the body'. My perception changed too. Everything seemed super solid and immovable.

Heavy and grounded.

 

It might sound stupid, but I was totally walking like I was a main character in a movie, or an rpg game or whatever. I was walking consciously, deliberately and on purpose. One with each and every step. It was precise and exact. Not wobbly or uncertain or anything - as it has been lately. It almost felt robotic or something. I felt like I wasn't me anymore, yet at the same time I was more me than ever. There was also this overlaying 'theme' of being some sort of a priest. It's rather funny, but that was totally the vibe.

 

I realize that the stuff I've been going through is all part of awakening. When I'm knee deep in healing and sorting shit out, it may seem as if I've fallen from grace and slipped back into the dark night of the soul - or whatever - but it's actually the highest road I could take right now. There is a very, very good reason for it all.

 

I am proud of myself for committing to this journey. Not trying to dismiss it all as 'just a story' or 'just a dream' or whatever, when it's not coming from a true and authentic place.

 

Matt Kahn once said something along these lines - and I found it to be so hilarious and so damn true...

 

When Jesus was on the cross, and people were throwing rocks at him, he did not say: 

 

'Thank God none of this is real! Thank God it's all just an illusion! Thank God there is no Self here!'

 

Haha! No!

 

Jesus said:

 

'Forgive them Father, for they know not what they do.' 

 

And he also said:

 

'Father, why have you forsaken me?'

 

Self, selflessness, love, pain and suffering... All in one being. All in one breath.

 

[ivankiss]

I really, really don't like the fact that I have to depend on someone else now. Be it family, a friend or a stranger. I feel anger and disappointment towards myself for being here. Shame and guilt.

 

I struggle to accept the situation.

 

I never had any real savings for emergencies or whatever, money was always kinda flowing through me. It went as quickly as it came. It was never really a problem, until now that I got sick and was unable to do shit for two months. Having some savings would have prevented me from slipping down here. And it would have also save me from quite some headache even before this happened. I need to become more serious about this whole money thing, for the sake of my own wellbeing and safety. I also must eliminate all remaining tendencies to rely on anyone. There is always a price for that. At least that's what life's showing me now.

 

I don't like it one bit. I'd rather be out there, nowhere and depend on no one. But I am also aware that that would not be smart now. I am not strong and stable enough to move forward into the unknown without a safety net. It might as well cost me my sanity or even my life.

 

I need to swallow my pride, get through this and then never allow myself to end up like this again.

 

 

[Tarak]

33 minutes ago, ivankiss said:

I really, really don't like the fact that I have to depend on someone else now. Be it family, a friend or a stranger. I feel anger and disappointment towards myself for being here. Shame and guilt.

 

I struggle to accept the situation.

 

I never had any real savings for emergencies or whatever, money was always kinda flowing through me. It went as quickly as it came. It was never really a problem, until now that I got sick and was unable to do shit for two months. Having some savings would have prevented me from slipping down here. And it would have also save me from quite some headache even before this happened. I need to become more serious about this whole money thing, for the sake of my own wellbeing and safety. I also must eliminate all remaining tendencies to rely on anyone. There is always a price for that. At least that's what life's showing me now.

 

I don't like it one bit. I'd rather be out there, nowhere and depend on no one. But I am also aware that that would not be smart now. I am not strong and stable enough to move forward into the unknown without a safety net. It might as well cost me my sanity or even my life.

 

I need to swallow my pride, get through this and then never allow myself to end up like this again.

 

 

Everything is energy flowing. You might think you are taking more than you give right now, but tomorrow could be the opposite. If we would be expected by, let's call it God by lack of a better word, to do it all alone, there wouldn't be a reason to share this plane with each other.

Shame and guilt are learned concepts used as a tool from those who want to overpower. Today you accept help so that you can get strong again. When you are healed, you can be the one that helps.

You are exactly what you should be right now. You are perfect. Don't let anyone (including you) make you think anything less of yourself.

[ivankiss]

@Tarak Thank you. What you are saying is probably true, but it is not how I authentically feel right now. I believe I should have more control over my life. I gotta do what has to be done and reclaim my power. I think that's what I need to learn and integrate in this phase.

 

I'm pretty good at surrendering. What I'm not that good at is claiming complete responsibility, taking action and being self-reliant. I need to be there for myself. Negligence is a huge pattern.

[ivankiss]

Very cool spot!

 

 

[Tarak]

34 minutes ago, ivankiss said:

@Tarak Thank you. What you are saying is probably true, but it is not how I authentically feel right now. I believe I should have more control over my life. I gotta do what has to be done and reclaim my power. I think that's what I need to learn and integrate in this phase.

 

I'm pretty good at surrendering. What I'm not that good at is claiming complete responsibility, taking action and being self-reliant. I need to be there for myself. Negligence is a huge pattern.

Yeah sure. I just share what I feel and understand that what resonates for me might not be the same for others. Only you can decide what your way, your lessons, your path is.

 

🙏

Edited April 24, 2022 by Tarak