Stress around relationships

[Phil]

@Kevin

A retreat isn’t a commitment though. It’s a retreat from commitments. A break for some peace, reconnection, rejuvenation & clarity.

 

Not quitting therapy is an aspect of effective therapy. 

 

 

[Kevin]

1 hour ago, Mandy said:

Love isn't logical, there doesn't need to be any reason for someone to love you. Just like how you feel isn't logical, it's just pure direct guidance. No one loves you like Source loves you, and you gotta let that in. Then let it reflect in as many beautiful ways and unexpected as it does. It's all just a play of light, go right to the Source. 
 

yeah I guess it’s kinda crappy that I have to justify in my head why a girl likes me and that it has something to do with what I offer or bring to the table.

 

Kind of like if I’m not those things I mentioned before then I’m worthless. And then thinking about what if I’m not actually those things. It’s very hurtful mentally when I focus on these things. It makes me very sad. 

 

1 hour ago, Mandy said:

 

This is miscreation, which serves only to give more clarity to Creation. You get what you suspect, what you expect. A few years ago I went through a lot of intense expression journaling and there was bliss or practically unwavering clarity on the other side. During that other side time, I slipped on ice and fell down some tall steps outside and it was like a test drive that the pain was just love, nothing could touch me, nothing could shake me. Had to drive in a snowstorm and there was so fear just pure bliss that it was impossible for me to die. Watching my parents remorse over some wasted food, knowing how silly and hilarious it was that nothing could be wasted, and that lesson was so much more valuable than the spilled milk ever was. Everything is utterly working out. You can't attract anything bad.

 

I tried the journaling again and I realize I’m in a standoff of sorts. I feel empty and like I’m all out of love and I’m expecting someone out there to give it to me. but it seems like the love is only gonna come from me so I have to just start loving. I’m not sure I know how though. Currently I’m experiencing tremendous sadness. I think I’ll keep journaling and I’ll try therapy again.

 

1 hour ago, Mandy said:

I would never suggest seeking out pain, but you can change your expectation of it, that it will be a face slap awake, and you're fucking ready. Hit me. Insult me. Call me names. Fuck with my head. Say something really unforgiveable. Break my heart. The cracks are where the light gets in, and the light illuminates what wonders are next.

 

not sure I’m ready for that right now. I feel very vulnerable and sensitive at the moment

 

1 hour ago, Mandy said:

Maybe you take this invincibility for a test drive. Maybe that's just what life is. Maybe you see how fast it can go, and maybe it thrills you, OF COURSE YOU WOULD WHAT ELSE WOULD YOU DO? BUT FOR GOD'S SAKE, COKE ISN'T THAT. Coke is trashing the car on the test drive instead of having fun driving it. You wouldn't take a thrillingly fast sports car through the McDonald's drive through, buy a big mac and wipe the grease all over the windshield, dump your soda in the seats and key it. TAKE CARE OF THE FUCKING METAPHORICAL CAR. IT ISN'T YOURS to trash. Stop with the coke and enjoy the test ride, test the limits, don't trash the car. 

 

 

Yeah I’m done with coke for sure.

[Kevin]

1 hour ago, Phil said:

@Kevin

A retreat isn’t a commitment though. It’s a retreat from commitments. A break for some peace, reconnection, rejuvenation & clarity.

 

the place I went to felt like school. It felt like a commitment to me.

1 hour ago, Phil said:

Not quitting therapy is an aspect of effective therapy. 

 

 

 

 

I felt worse after therapy consistently. Is that normal?

[Phil]

39 minutes ago, Kevin said:

the place I went to felt like school. It felt like a commitment to me.

How so?

 

39 minutes ago, Kevin said:

 

I felt worse after therapy consistently. Is that normal?

How so?

 

[Kevin]

16 minutes ago, Phil said:

How so?

 

How so?

 

For the rehab it felt like work because every day we would sit in a classroom all day and do book work. And there was barely therapy. If I remember correctly we had like one meeting a week that was one on one. And it wasn’t with a therapist. It was just with a senior staff member.

 

I’ll try therapy again but basically what happened in the past was a lot of me complaining that I’m lonely and complaining about how I don’t have a girlfriend. Then that stuff becomes front and center in my mind.

 

It seemed like therapy sessions often reenforced what was wrong in my life.

[Phil]

1 hour ago, Kevin said:

For the rehab it felt like work because every day we would sit in a classroom all day and do book work. And there was barely therapy. If I remember correctly we had like one meeting a week that was one on one. And it wasn’t with a therapist. It was just with a senior staff member.

What was the work?

 

1 hour ago, Kevin said:

I’ll try therapy again but basically what happened in the past was a lot of me complaining that I’m lonely and complaining about how I don’t have a girlfriend. Then that stuff becomes front and center in my mind.

 

It seemed like therapy sessions often reenforced what was wrong in my life.

What’s wrong with that? 

[Kevin]

9 minutes ago, Phil said:

What was the work?

 

What’s wrong with that? 

I don’t remember what the work was.

 

And idk it just didn’t feel good. I didn’t like going in once a week and complaining. In the beginning it was cathartic but after a while it seemed like the same thing over and over again and then I felt like the best thing to do was to just stop focusing on it.

[Phil]

@Kevin

Isn’t that what the work was about? No longer doing the same thing over & over?

More so, letting go of that discordant interpretation?

[Kevin]

29 minutes ago, Phil said:

@Kevin

Isn’t that what the work was about? No longer doing the same thing over & over?

More so, letting go of that discordant interpretation?

Man tbh I don’t remember what the work in rehab was but I remember it was sitting in a classroom all day doing book work. It felt like busy work. It felt like a drag. I honestly believe I would have gotten more out of moving to the beach and surfing everyday. Or more activities or more sitting in a circle and sharing how we’re feeling. I did not resonate with the rehab I went to.

[Mandy]

10 hours ago, Kevin said:

not sure I’m ready for that right now. I feel very vulnerable and sensitive at the moment

All that stuff IS, is feeling vulnerable though. It's simply not shirking from life or feeling itself. The problem is in trying not to be vulnerable. You're ready if you're here. 

[Phil]

8 hours ago, Kevin said:

Man tbh I don’t remember what the work in rehab was but I remember it was sitting in a classroom all day doing book work. It felt like busy work. It felt like a drag. I honestly believe I would have gotten more out of moving to the beach and surfing everyday. Or more activities or more sitting in a circle and sharing how we’re feeling. I did not resonate with the rehab I went to.

You sat in a room all day everyday and did work, and don’t remember what the work was?

 

Is ‘busy work’ & ‘a drag’ how the work felt (as in the work is an entity which is feeling) or how an interpretation felt?

 

How can such interpretations arise, when what the interpretations are about is not remembered or known?

[Phil]

Maybe more time is needed for the effects of the drugs / withdrawal to wear off.

For alignment to naturally occur, in the absence of  the effects of the drugs.

 

 

To ‘get on the same page’ at my end, rating 1 - 10, 10 being crystal clear, joyful & humorous, 1 being no clarity whatsoever…. how clear are these aspects right now… 

 

-There isn’t anything other than this. This is already whole & complete. Thoughts which appear about a past or future, or somewhere other than this, are This, and are not separate. 

 

-Suffering is of un-inspected beliefs. 

 

-Specifically, the belief feeling (good feeling wanted, preferred & desired) is being sought in substances & relationship's. 

 

-It’s not working.

 

-The thing to do is inspect the discordant beliefs to see they’re interpretations, and were never/ aren’t true. 

 

 

[WhiteOwl]

22 minutes ago, Phil said:

he thing to do is inspect the discordant beliefs to see they’re interpretations, and were never true. 

If you could just knock 2 times on the head and have all your beliefs printed out. Sometimes i just feel negative emotion but not sure what exactly was thought 

[Phil]

16 minutes ago, WhiteOwl said:

If you could just knock 2 times on the head and have all your beliefs printed out. Sometimes i just feel negative emotion but not sure what exactly was thought 

Knocking on the head would be too much effort. Even breathing & blinking is too much… too many conceptual ‘steps’ away. The discord of discordant beliefs is already felt. But believed to be negative, or really, the belief arose / arises as a knowing about emotion. 

 

 

To use simple ordinary everyday language….

 

The you which is the knower of what is good & bad, right & wrong, positive & negative… is the ego. It’s thoughts, believed, and is not a self separate of emotion, which knows this or that about emotion. 

 

Even simpler, the question can always be proposed, ‘what emotion is felt’, about the thought or belief. 

When the belief ‘negative emotion’ arises, the question can be proposed - what emotion is felt, in regard to that thought. 

[Phil]

This isn’t helping me. 

 

I’m not getting it. 

 

This doesn’t work for me. 

 

He’s so vague.

 

I wish he’d use normal language. 

 

Must be nice to understand this like he does. 

 

I wish I knew what he knows. 

 

If only I was awake, enlightened, or had awakenings like him. 

 

I feel worse. 

 

I wish I had more experience because then I would understand and or know. 

 

 

 

Also thoughts.

There’s nothing right or wrong, good or bad, or positive or negative about thoughts. Right, wrong, good, bad, positive & negative are thoughts. Thoughts are apparent, appearing, appearance. 

 

 

 

Awareness is appearing as & aware of thoughts, and is not “in” any thoughts (interpretations). 

 

Awareness can seem to be entangled in appearance. 

 

Untangling is acknowledging emotions.

 

Perpetuating the seeming entangling is believing thoughts about a separate self rather than noticing the separate self of thoughts, and questioning if the thoughts are true. 

 

 

 

[Phil]

One simple & immediate way to change an interpretation about someone, something or some situation or circumstance which there is discord felt about, is to write and or say three things you appreciate about them or it. It’s very aligning & empowering.  

[WhiteOwl]

2 hours ago, Phil said:

One simple & immediate way to change an interpretation about someone, something or some situation or circumstance which there is discord felt about, is to write and or say three things you appreciate about them or it. It’s very aligning & empowering.  

Damn. So simple yet so powerful. 
just changed thoughts on a situation that’s been playing in mind over and over. 

[Kevin]

8 hours ago, Mandy said:

All that stuff IS, is feeling vulnerable though. It's simply not shirking from life or feeling itself. The problem is in trying not to be vulnerable. You're ready if you're here. 

Yeah I hate being vulnerable apparently. Part of that I believe is not being sober long enough. I think with more time it will be easier.

[Kevin]

6 hours ago, Phil said:

You sat in a room all day everyday and did work, and don’t remember what the work was?

 

I have an awful memory now. Idk why

 

6 hours ago, Phil said:

Is ‘busy work’ & ‘a drag’ how the work felt (as in the work is an entity which is feeling) or how an interpretation felt?

 

it’s how the interpretation felt

6 hours ago, Phil said:

How can such interpretations arise, when what the interpretations are about is not remembered or known?

Well I remember that’s how I felt back then. I don’t remember why I felt that way.

[Kevin]

6 hours ago, Phil said:

Maybe more time is needed for the effects of the drugs / withdrawal to wear off.

For alignment to naturally occur, in the absence of  the effects of the drugs.

 

Definitely more time is needed. I’m never sure how long especially since Xanax and crack were combined. There is a feeling of sadness and despair that comes from stopping either one of those drugs. And combined it’s even worse and I’m not sure how long it’ll take. I will say I feel less despair today. Now I feel sad and low energy and I’m sleeping so much.

6 hours ago, Phil said:

 

To ‘get on the same page’ at my end, rating 1 - 10, 10 being crystal clear, joyful & humorous, 1 being no clarity whatsoever…. how clear are these aspects right now… 

 

-There isn’t anything other than this. This is already whole & complete. Thoughts which appear about a past or future, or somewhere other than this, are This, and are not separate. 

 

I’d say 4.

6 hours ago, Phil said:

-Suffering is of un-inspected beliefs. 

 

3

6 hours ago, Phil said:

-Specifically, the belief feeling (good feeling wanted, preferred & desired) is being sought in substances & relationship's. 

 

I’d say 5. I am aware when I do drugs that it’s not helping. It feels like I’m just putting off feeling for a later date. But it also genuinely seems like happiness can come from a relationship. On the one hand the calm and peace I feel when I’m with a girl I like is like nothing else. It’s the best. On the other hand there’s a lot of suffering when it ends.

6 hours ago, Phil said:

-It’s not working.

 

It’s clear what I’ve been doing isn’t working.

6 hours ago, Phil said:

-The thing to do is inspect the discordant beliefs to see they’re interpretations, and were never/ aren’t true. 

 

 

5. I haven’t been inspecting.