Tired of myself

[Blessed2]

I'm so tired of myself.

 

I feel so tired all the time. Like physically and mentally tired. Simply standing and walking around the house is heavy for me.

 

My thoughts make me want to throw up. I'm constantly thinking. I'm constantly trying to figure something out.

 

Even thinking about God's peace and presence is tiring, even though it can make me feel high. Even there, I'm still constantly pushing myself in the way. Thinking about myself, my role, a me who 'has a relationship' with god. A me who is spiritual, has spiritual growth and awakening. It's so tiring and feels disgusting to constantly carry and think about myself. Evaluating, judging, thinking whether I'm worthy or unworthy, if I'm cool, if others think I'm worthy and good, if others think I'm special. Makes me want to vomit. Fuck

 

I want change. And I'm tired of waiting for a change to happen. I'm tired of trying to feel happy. I don't want to wait or to try anymore. I want to feel better now. I want to drop the heavy baggage right now.

 

I might be going for an interrail trip next summer. I don't want to take this disgusting heavy luggage there with me. I want to feel light in my body and mind. I want the trip to be filled with lighthearted liveliness.

 

Why is being happy so hard? Why is all this so hard?

 

I know, I know... Meditate, journal, exercise, so the emotional scale. But I don't have the energy! Thinking of doing those things just feel repulsing. I don't have the willpower. 

 

I would like a good old cathartic cry.

[WhiteOwl]

@Blessed2 I know exactly how you feel, been there many times. It sounds like you are fed up with trying to feel better, which can be really tiresome when nothing seems to change.

 

I would try to let go of wanting to change anything at all for a moment, allow yourself to be unhappy and to constantly think. Right now you are in a lot of resistance to everything experienced instead of owning it/being with it. Try to own it completely, not trying to escape it. That feels a lot better than trying to escape it/judging it, and you dont have to do anything. 

 

Personally the emotional scale is doing wonders for me, and so it can for you, but you have to actually do it. I know you are tired of it all, but if you can make a post like this, you can also use the emotional scale for 10 minutes a day. Right now you might not see the full picture of why it is powerful, and it just seems like another thing that wont really matter, but trust me (and everyone else), its about releasing the feelings you have inside of yourself and the best way for that is to express them!

 

So open up the scale, look at the first emotion of jealousy. In your post you mention being "cool", "special" etc. Just sit and talk out loud (seems wierd in the beginning, but now i love it) and express who you are jealous of in your life. Who has what you want (hint; cool, special etc). You can also write it, if that feels better. Just be completely honest and as present as possible.

 

Then you go to the next of hatred if you have time, or maybe you want to even continue. And if not, you stop and put it aside and do it the next day again. Do it and try to not worry so much about the results, just do it and go about your day.

 

Also, go for walks (walking a bit fast helps with not thinking too much, and you might get a nice flow going). 

 

If you want a change in your experience, something has to change. From a previous day of not going for a walk, do you see how a walk today is some change? It's about doing what you can, even small things, and your experience will slowly change for sure. Dont try to do all at once, start with a few quick positive things and then nothing more. 

 

Hope you can use some of that. Looking forward to hear in some weeks 🙂 You got it

Edited April 12, 2022 by WhiteOwl

[Blessed2]

@WhiteOwl Thanks for your response ❤️

 

The thing is, I don't know how to express those emotions on the scale. If I write on a notepad, I don't really feel any relief. I don't know how to actually express successfully. Is there any other ways to express than writing and speaking out loud?

 

Also, you're saying that it's okay just to do it for 10 minutes, but on Actuality of Being website it says to do the whole scale. That seems impossible. It just makes me frustrated to try express the last ones, because it just doesn't feel authentic. I can't "get there" and it makes me feel like I'm failing the practice. It takes me hours to get to contentment - hopefulness, and then I just get hungry and irritated, and I get nowhere.

 

Am I doing something wrong?

 

@Phil What say you?

 

 

[WhiteOwl]

@Blessed2 You are not different from other people, most likely. Some things (everything really) takes some practice. It's not a magic button (almost, after you become more familiar). But if you do your best even if you you don't think you feel any different, it will pay off, and you will start to feel different. You gotta show some willingness to go against your current ways if you want a change. 

 

Of course its okay to do 10 minutes. Dont even think about contentment/hopefulness yet. Express the lowest ones for the next couple of days, slowly you will see.

Whatever you express might not need to be expressed the next time, and you therefor become a little more free. Some things might stick more, but thats fine as well, you just continue. What will matter is that you do your best and show some willingness, and that means maybe changing your attitude.

You see where you are with your current attitude, you know where that leads if you continue, to the exact same place you are at. Try something else. Even if it feels annoying and unjustified, just try a different approach. 

 

You have 103 posts here, that takes some energy. Maybe use a little bit of that on just trying to use the scale. Even if it feels off or whatever. 

 

It's like a kid not wanting to do his homework "I just can't do it, i don't know how to. It's impossible". The only way out is to try even when you think you can't. because every step will get you a little closer, even though it wont be perfect in the beginning. You seem to have very high expectations of everything just magically become perfect by just looking at it. It wont, but it will if you do your best for a while, no matter how "good" that is.

 

You can continue to suffer, but there is another way, once you get tired enough of it.

 

Sorry if i sound harsh. Its only out of love❤️ Sometimes a little ass-kicking is what people need the most (very much me included).

 

And it sounds like its the scale thats doing the work, but it's actually you, by expressing and freeing yourself of perspectives that you are carrying inside (I am jealous of xxx, i hate that xx, i want revenge, i blame xx". 

 

Edited April 12, 2022 by WhiteOwl

[Phil]

4 hours ago, Blessed2 said:

What say you?

These are concepts about a “myself”. 

Which emotion was mentioned in your op?

Expression of emotion, instead of self conceptualization, will ‘wash you of yourself’, free you, liberate you. 

 

Riding a bike is impossible. At least, that’s what all my kids said before they practiced. Now they say it’s just like riding a bike. 

 

If frustration arises when attempting to express emotions above contentment… notice contentment wasn’t actually felt… and what is felt, is frustration. Express the frustration, then the next higher emotion on the scale. 

 

Finishing the scale is a suggestion. When interpreting ‘finish’  as ‘forcing’ or ‘pushing’… again look at the scale and spot which emotion is felt there. Or, go for a walk, etc. Allow the mind to clear. 

[Blessed2]

8 hours ago, WhiteOwl said:

You seem to have very high expectations of everything just magically become perfect by just looking at it. It wont, but it will if you do your best for a while, no matter how "good" that is.

 

Yeah, you're right. This is a very prominent 'problem' for me, expecting great results without work and effort.

 

It may have roots somewhere in my childhood. Perhaps at some point I really tried to succeed in school, do my homework and get good grades, but I failed so I figured never to try because then I'll just fail again... Or something like that.

 

8 hours ago, WhiteOwl said:

Sorry if i sound harsh. Its only out of love❤️ Sometimes a little ass-kicking is what people need the most

 

No problem 😁 greatly appreciated 🙏

 

@WhiteOwl @Phil I'm still having trouble completely understanding "expression". What kind of expression works best for emotional scale? If I feel anger for example, I don't know what to write or to say. Is punching a pillow expression? Or maybe recording myself talking about how I feel? If you guys do this practice, what kind of things you write or do? I could just say "I feel anger" but that doesn't really make me feel any relief or a step to the next emotion. How is this expression done succesfully that the next step can actually be taken?

[Phil]

 

59 minutes ago, Blessed2 said:

Is punching a pillow expression?

Yes for sure. 

59 minutes ago, Blessed2 said:

Or maybe recording myself talking about how I feel?

Yes that too. 

59 minutes ago, Blessed2 said:

I could just say "I feel anger" but that doesn't really make me feel any relief or a step to the next emotion. How is this expression done succesfully that the next step can actually be taken?

Successfully and unsuccessfully, and for that matter right and or wrong, don’t apply to expression, but are expressions. 

 

Typically anger is resistance, undesirable, unwanted. If given the choice, most people most often would choose not to experience anger. When one ends up experiencing the emotion of anger, it’s often created unconsciously. Acknowledging that one is experiencing an emotion, anger, is often enough. There’s usually a little relief in the shift from not understanding what one is feeling to understanding. From no acknowledgement yet, to acknowledging the emotion.  

 

Then “when I feel this anger, do I sometimes then feel discouragement?”.

Most often, yes. Anger isn’t exactly in the flow, and when anger is in our lives we often cause some waves we don’t actually desire or intend to. It feels like discouragement each time this happens. 

 

Does it feel better acknowledging discouragement is felt, than to be experiencing anger?

 

Then express blame for this anger & discouragement, and so on. 

[Blessed2]

What was brought up yesterday and today is certain insecurity. Kind of this unwilligness to fight and put effort for what I really want. It feels like 'evading physical life'. Do I even want to have physical life? - I do, but something is holding me back from fully stepping toward it.

 

This might even have some physical effects, like prostate, stomach and heart rhythm issues. All of them kind of feel like fear/unwillingness to accept physical life and it's "limits", or the need for physical effort. And shame/quilt of giving up too easily or being lazy.

 

@Phil I remember you once saying to me something like "lay claim to your own life." That struck me.

 

Now I intend to lay claim on my own life, fight and fully invest in the good life I really want. Intention is enough, the tools and guidance will follow.

[Phil]

On 4/13/2022 at 4:07 AM, Blessed2 said:

What was brought up yesterday and today is certain insecurity. Kind of this unwilligness to fight and put effort for what I really want. It feels like 'evading physical life'. Do I even want to have physical life? - I do, but something is holding me back from fully stepping toward it.

That insecurity is certain is a belief.

Insecurity is an emotion, which is guidance in regard to, what you’re thinkin. 

Insecurity is not certain, it comes and goes. 😅 Thank God amIright?!

 

If you prefer the going, the releasing, the relinquishing of the of insecurity… 

What have you seen, which you want to do, be, have, experience?

What are you jealous of?

 

Who or what exactly do you believe you are fighting?

 

On 4/13/2022 at 4:07 AM, Blessed2 said:

 

This might even have some physical effects, like prostate, stomach and heart rhythm issues. All of them kind of feel like fear/unwillingness to accept physical life and it's "limits", or the need for physical effort. And shame/quilt of giving up too easily or being lazy.

Excellent inspection work.

What are you jealous of?

On 4/13/2022 at 4:07 AM, Blessed2 said:

 

@Phil I remember you once saying to me something like "lay claim to your own life." That struck me.

 

Now I intend to lay claim on my own life, fight and fully invest in the good life I really want. Intention is enough, the tools and guidance will follow.

Wouldn’t you first have to find that which you are going to fight? 

Intention is no reason to disregard emotional guidance. 

Perhaps that’s what ‘you’re fighting’?

[Blessed2]

55 minutes ago, Phil said:

Who or what exactly do you believe you are fighting?

 

Perhaps my own laziness and short-term gratification seeking habits.

 

55 minutes ago, Phil said:

What have you seen, which you want to do, be, have, experience?

What are you jealous of?

 

Some people have really nice houses in beautiful nature, somewhere abroad like southern europe. They have a lot of friends and they are not anxious, they don't fear death or existing in general. They feel like home on earth and they don't need to constantly carry heavy burdens.

 

This is a bit silly perhaps, but I'm kind of jealous to angels. If they exist that is. It just seems that they have it so easy. Just chilling in God's love, no fear, no burden. It's seems so perfect. Like an eternal holiday. I'd like to feel that way, but in this life.

Edited April 14, 2022 by Blessed2

[DreaMT]

Let it go if you can, Love it fully if you can't.

 

Elaboration:

Option A

1. Observe it, notice it, see it (the emotion, sensation, thought story)

2. Drop it like a hot coal from your hand

 

Option B

1.  Focus on it, feel it fully and feel your love towards it. You can even repeat "I love this" "I love this" "I love this" towards it, to aid in the acceptance of it. Feel the love.

2. Feel the deep presence and the consciousness that is always here now. Feel how your loving intention is emanating from this unconditionality of simply being. 

 

Ps.

Remember, anything that comes up doesn't require any analysis for it to be let go of. It's enough simply to see it, to observe it. That's all you need to "do", if it can even be called doing. And if analysis comes up that's ok too, it's just a matter of recognizing that the analysis isn't needed.  

 

[Orb]

On 4/12/2022 at 2:10 AM, Blessed2 said:

I'm so tired of myself.

 

I feel so tired all the time. Like physically and mentally tired. Simply standing and walking around the house is heavy for me.

@Blessed2 this belief is very tiring 👆. 

 

Besides beliefs, if theres any pain felt sensationally, check on your nutrition and lifestyle habits, take things easy, feel for that ease...the middle path.

[DreaMT]

In regard to being tired all the time, first realize you truly don't have to do anything, it's ok to be tired. It's ok to do nothing. 

But since you are already likely telling yourself a story about your tiredness which is causing pain, you might as well switch up the story.

 

See, if you are telling yourself you are "tired", all your mind will see as a solution is rest and sleep, more tired behavior. 

But what if you told yourself you are "lethargic" instead. Now you have something to play with. Your mind might very well intuitively come up with multiple ways to work with lethargy, so I don't even have to point them out.  And this way you can come from a place of proactivity and empowerment, as you find yourself lethargic and wish to not feel that way, and you know what tools are available. You don't need any guilt or shame to fuel a journey like that.

Godspeed, friend. 

 

[God]

My best advice is.. psychedelics.  If you're ready for them.

Change = death.  Something has to die.  Psychedelics are the fastest path to ego death.  Even just partial ego death is fine.

 

Otherwise.. force yourself to meditate no matter how much you hate it.  Your choice.  You can choose to do nothing, but, if you do, all it means is the suffering has not gotten bad enough to warrant the pain of doing something different/scary.  The suffering will just increase until the alternative starts to seem less painful in comparison.

[Blessed2]

2 hours ago, DreaMT said:

Remember, anything that comes up doesn't require any analysis for it to be let go of. It's enough simply to see it, to observe it. That's all you need to "do", if it can even be called doing. And if analysis comes up that's ok too, it's just a matter of recognizing that the analysis isn't needed.  

 

🙏🙏 

[Blessed2]

@Orb 🙏💕 I've been taking maca + ashwagandha lately, maybe I'll take a few days off them and see if it helps.

[Blessed2]

@God 🤔

[God]

7 minutes ago, Blessed2 said:

@God 🤔

🧘🏻

[Blessed2]

@Phil The thought of meditating just feels too uncomfortable. I can't sit every day for more like 5 minutes.

 

There must be something I can do. How can one dispel thought-attachment and empty the mind if meditation isn't an option for now? I really want to feel that peace and relief.

[Kevin]

10 hours ago, Blessed2 said:

@Phil The thought of meditating just feels too uncomfortable. I can't sit every day for more like 5 minutes.

 

There must be something I can do. How can one dispel thought-attachment and empty the mind if meditation isn't an option for now? I really want to feel that peace and relief.

 Just my two cents but back when I was in college I thought meditation was stupid. For some reason though I started doing it just ten minutes a day. I did that for maybe a month or 2 before I stopped and I didn’t pick it up again until the last year. Reason I started again was because the benefits the first time were so great. Perhaps just trying 5 minutes a day and doing it consistently you will appreciate the benefits enough that you actually enjoy doing it. At least that’s what happened with me.