Tired of myself

[Orb]

@Blessed2 meditation is rest, make it feel that way, work our before you meditate and it will feel like resting as it should.

[Phil]

12 hours ago, Blessed2 said:

@Phil The thought of meditating just feels too uncomfortable. I can't sit every day for more like 5 minutes.

 

The thought of meditating being uncomfortable, is a resistant feeling thought… and is let go, like any other thought, in meditation, and attention is returned to feeling breathing from the stomach (relaxation). If that is done a hundred times - in the letting go and feeling better sense, that is much much progress. Words can’t do this justice but, every time a discord is let go and breathing and relaxing the body is chosen, it adds up. There is a feeling better momentum which is felt. 

 

The thought about an “I” which can or can’t meditate, and is in time, is also, can be, let go in meditation.  Not ‘pushing’ meditation here, but mentioning that because it might not have been realized, and this is why meditation feels so great. It’s for you / your well being / your relaxation. For letting go of any weight carrying or discord. It’s not to fix, solve, or get something done or accomplished. That can be hard to see when life is busy and thus far full of fixing, solving, getting stuff done and accomplishing. 

 

 

In a self inquiry manor, one can question - who does the thought feel uncomfortable to. Who can’t sit for five minutes. In the investigative spirt of self inquiry, really try to find that one. This also behooves presence. Addressing the thought directly, as in right now, and not the content or ‘story’ of the thought. Similarly, you can also minimize. Can I sit for five minutes tomorrow morning? … might feel lighter and more possible, than thinking about wether or not you can ‘everyday’. 

 

Direct inspection wise, you can bring attention / awareness directly to the sensation which is said to be uncomfortable / the uncomfortableness. This is like the looking in the closet to discover first hand that it’s empty. It can be difficult, but it does bring about significant and more lasting relief. 

 

12 hours ago, Blessed2 said:

 

There must be something I can do.

There’s much you can do. It can be a bit of a pickle in that there is always something you can do to feel better, and there is never actually anything you need to do to feel better. One just has to navigate that. No one else knows really where one’s at, or is really in one’s shoes. Therapy, breathwork & using the emotional scale, specifically to release via expression and to feel peace & contentment come to mind. 

 

12 hours ago, Blessed2 said:

How can one dispel thought-attachment and empty the mind if meditation isn't an option for now? I really want to feel that peace and relief.

In a more ‘ultimately’ sense, there is nothing you can do which will be a deep lasting feeling better, except letting go of discordant beliefs, to see for yourself that feeling better is what’s always happening. It’s what you are, good feeling, love. Without discordant beliefs, there would only be, feeling pretty amazing. Expression & inspection would be the way to see, illuminate, and allow the release of, resistance, of discord or suffering.

 

Also, discordant beliefs ‘show themselves’. Notice any ‘being triggered’, notice any ensuing reactions, but instead of reacting, relax from head to toe, focus on feeling breathing in the stomach, and see that the reactive not so good feeling does come & go. Insight into the why of the triggering, and thus the underlying belief, naturally then arises. Clarity, essentially. Which is synonymous with, good feeling, peace, love, or most simply, you / the true nature. 

 

As a very board stroke, “I’m tired of myself” is actually… I’m tried of some thoughts. That “myself” which doesn’t resonate, isn’t a self, but is thoughts, or let’s say ‘a cluster of thoughts or beliefs’, aka ‘the separate self’. You, are awesome. Which is why some thoughts don’t feel good, to you, awesomeness. But I mean like, for real, you are awesome. I don’t mean because of what you have, what you’ve done or will do. I just mean that you are = awesomeness. 

[Blessed2]

On 4/13/2022 at 10:07 AM, Blessed2 said:

It feels like 'evading physical life'. Do I even want to have physical life? - I do, but something is holding me back from fully stepping toward it.

 

This might even have some physical effects, like prostate, stomach and heart rhythm issues. All of them kind of feel like fear/unwillingness to accept physical life and it's "limits", or the need for physical effort. And shame/quilt of giving up too easily or being lazy.

 

@Phil I said that 👆 a while ago.

 

Yesterday I noticed it again. Had arrythmia, so annoying and a bit scary. What if the heart just suddenly fails, and no-one can help me, and I die? Though when I looked into it more deeply, I noticed that what the heart palpitations and the fear of death that followed feels like, is kind of 'evading life'.

 

I think it's ACIM where it's said that fear of death is actually allure of death. I get that. The thought 'what if the heart suddenly just fails and I die' is kind of..... a desire to die. Not really die per se, but to just be in peace, which is projected onto death I think.

 

For me life often seems such a struggle and heavy baggage that somehow this discord comes up as fear of death, which is actually a veiling of allure to die. So much is projected onto death, believed to be found in death. Projected from this moment, to somewhere else.

 

Why?!?

 

This is coming up on surface because I'm getting so tired of the struggle and baggage that I really do see that there must be a better way. I don't want it anymore, I'm not going to settle for it. There must be a way to be peaceful and lighthearted here and now, not somewhere else, in death or such.

 

What beliefs and conditions create the experience of struggle, fight and heavy baggage? Why does life seem such a battle? When I look closely, there is really nothing in life that is hard - it comes from me, my beliefs and thoughts. But why? Where does it stem from?

[Phil]

4 hours ago, Blessed2 said:

 

@Phil I said that 👆 a while ago.

 

Yesterday I noticed it again. Had arrythmia, so annoying and a bit scary. What if the heart just suddenly fails, and no-one can help me, and I die? Though when I looked into it more deeply, I noticed that what the heart palpitations and the fear of death that followed feels like, is kind of 'evading life'.

If there isn’t actually death, if that really is a belief, then it can not be said in truth ‘the fear of death’, and instead rather… what’s experienced is a misinterpretation of direct experience & the discord therein. 

If fear is not ‘bad’, but is guidance, what is the guidance saying about the thought? 

4 hours ago, Blessed2 said:

 

I think it's ACIM where it's said that fear of death is actually allure of death. I get that. The thought 'what if the heart suddenly just fails and I die' is kind of..... a desire to die. Not really die per se, but to just be in peace, which is projected onto death I think.

Here death is assumed, and so the interpretation is that perhaps peace is being projected onto death. Why is peace not assumed, in consideration that an idea, a thought… death… is being projected onto the peace that you are… right now… and the peace that you are simply can not resonate with this… right now? 

4 hours ago, Blessed2 said:

 

For me life often seems such a struggle and heavy baggage that somehow this discord comes up as fear of death, which is actually a veiling of allure to die. So much is projected onto death, believed to be found in death. Projected from this moment, to somewhere else.

The allure isn’t per se to die, it’s to be as you are, which is to say to be without the ‘separate self’ of thought, which is actually as simple as “for me…”. Think of that subtle thought like “for my giraffe”… and have a nice laugh about how you of course don’t even have a giraffe. Name that giraffe which you don’t have, “somewhere else”. 

4 hours ago, Blessed2 said:

 

Why?!?

 

This is coming up on surface because I'm getting so tired of the struggle and baggage that I really do see that there must be a better way. I don't want it anymore, I'm not going to settle for it. There must be a way to be peaceful and lighthearted here and now, not somewhere else, in death or such.

You are peace. You are the light. You are love. You are here now. 

‘A town built on a hill can not be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on it’s stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house.’

4 hours ago, Blessed2 said:

 

What beliefs and conditions create the experience of struggle, fight and heavy baggage? Why does life seem such a battle? When I look closely, there is really nothing in life that is hard - it comes from me, my beliefs and thoughts. But why? Where does it stem from?

Beliefs and thoughts arise now. That beliefs and thoughts stem from somewhere else, someone else, something else, are beliefs and thoughts that arise now. 

 

Look how beautiful you are. See for the first time. 

[Blessed2]

On 6/29/2022 at 2:47 PM, Phil said:

If fear is not ‘bad’, but is guidance, what is the guidance saying about the thought? 

 

"It Is Not Who I Am."

[Phil]

@Blessed2