2024 - Responsibility and FUN things

[Reena]

@Ceejay you mean in India? 

[Reena]

On 1/6/2024 at 2:05 AM, Ceejay said:

I personally like cool butter milk, and it is available in the summers. Nowadays, I'm drinking Pepsi. Today mom bought Indian Sarsaparilla root Sherbet and some Lehar Soda. I drank some this midnight. It was "cool"!

I typed Sarsaparilla in Google and this came up - "The Native Americans used Sarsaparilla as a blood tonic." 

I guess there's some confusion. I don't get that in my country or at least never heard of it. 

I was talking about fresh lime soda. In my country it's sold as Limca, 7 up nimbooz or Goli  Soda like the one I'm holding in my hand right now in the pics 

 

It's this. It has a marble floating on top when you drink it. This one. 

 

Edited January 7 by Reena

[Reena]

@Ceejay I think you have confused me for a Native American. I'm Indian(as in from India). 

[Reena]

So these drinks are really poison for me - 

                                          

 

- Calvin's milkshake 

- Milky Mist milkshake 

- Sunfeast Dark Chocolate Fantasy Shake 

- Hershey's Almond Milkshake (horrible) 

- Epigamia Vanilla Turbo Milkshake

- Hershey's Cashew Butterscotch Milkshake 

- Epigamia Milkshake 

- All Hershey's milkshake 

- Britainnia Winkin Cow Milkshake (this is the worst milkshake) 

- Raw Pressery milkshake (bad) 

- Epigamia Strawberry Smoothie (not good) 

- Sleepy Owl Iced Coffee(horrible) 

- any tea, coffee, cold coffee (all are dehydrating) 

- Nescafe Gold Mocha or Cappuccino Premix(mixed with milk, it's okayish but not healthy to drink everyday) 

- Milo drink (not good) 

- Jimmy's Cocktail (not good) 

- All coconut water brands (not good) 

- Dabur Homemade lemon juice (not good) 

- Nescafe cold coffee Hazelnut or Chilled Latte (okayish but causes dehydration) 

- Milkshake powders (horrible) 

- Raw Pressery Juices (expensive and old and terrible) 

- Smoodies (hardly available but terrible, too much sugar) 

- Paperboat and Swing juices (not good) 

- Tropicana juice (too much sugar) 

- Frooti (terrible) 

- Glucon D (not good) 

- Cocojal (not good) 

- Storia coconut water (horrible, very sugary) 

- Pepsi, Coca Cola, Sprite, Appy, Fanta, Miranda, Minute Maid Pulpy Orange, Thums up, Mountain Dew, 7 up, 7 up Nimbooz, Sparkling Water, Maaza, Limca, Gatorade, Lime Soda, Coke Zero, Kinley Soda, Frooti (all are poison) 

- out of the above Minute Maid Pulpy Orange although sugary is slightly better in terms of energy. 

- Epigamia Greek Yogurt Alphonso Mango Smoothie (it's too thick and tastes very sour, just unpleasant and not healthy)

- Aam Panna concentrates, Rooh Afza Sharbat, Baba Ramdev juice concentrate (all are bad. Just do not try concentrates anymore) 

- Horlicks and Bournvita drinks (great in terms of nutrition but they make feel extra hungry all the time) 

- MTR Badam Drink Mix (not healthy) 

- Glucon D Orange (not healthy) 

- Tang Orange /Lemon  (pure poison) 

 

Edited January 5 by Reena

[Reena]

I can't believe that a year ago I used to drink all that stuff assuming that it was all healthy. I used to think Tang is healthy. I'm much more consumer conscious right now. I'm more about the elimination now than inclusion. 

 

I have ruined my health drinking all of that "straight up poison." 

Coffee is debatable. It can be both good and bad. Tea is a better alternative. The kind of tea I drink now, it's called Wagh Bakri and it really ups my energy levels. 

 

 

 

 

I still beat myself for assuming shit. Like I'm educated and literate. How could I drink all that poison? Why did I believe all of that was good? 

It's just this massive lack of awareness that I absolutely hate.

 

 

Shouldn't it be obvious to me that all of it is just bad for health? 

 

Edited January 5 by Reena

[Reena]

I think I was so desperate emotionally that I didn't give a fuck and began drinking whatever I could get my hands on. 

 

I guess you could call it "Comfort Drinking" a variation on the term "Comfort Eating." 

 

During the time (around 2019) I did a marathon Comfort eating thing. My ex was being very abusive and racist. A total scumbag. And my way to cope with the relationship was to eat massive amounts of food and eat till you sleep (like a variation of shop till you drop). 

 

My sister described me as a drug addict. The only difference is that I was using food as a drug 

 

I gained 20 pounds weight during that relationship. It was just toxic. But I just couldn't find the courage to walk away from it. It felt like an emotional trap. 

Following the breakup in 2020, I lost all the weight dramatically and I'm 55 kg now. 

 

I didn't do exercise. I started getting heart problems and lost weight as a result. I was having serious medical issues by then. I became skinny and weak. A neighbor told my mom that there was something really wrong with the way I lost my weight. I was literally abusing my body. I couldn't deal with the aftermath "stress" of the relationship. 

 

I remember an American guy warning me during THAT TIME that I would be slowly inching closer to death if I don't walk away from THAT relationship. 

 

[Reena]

Someday my soul will be able to tell my dead father that I did not die in vain. That I was barely able to survive and I kept trying hard and harder. 

 

That I wasn't worthless or emotionally shallow. I just couldn't find enough courage to break out of my trauma and find hope. 

 

I guilted myself for years for not being able to stand up to my family's expectations for who I should be. Although their expectations are that I should have a perfect life, that I should be a perfect person. 

 

It's not that easy for me given my childhood history, past trauma, emotional nature, toxic relationships and the combined burden of my psycho - emotional baggage on my physical health. I have taken way too much than my quota of personal suffering should permit. I draw the boundary. I don't want to live hard, die hard anymore. I'll eventually emerge a winner from my hopeless circumstances. I have faith. 

I am the underdog who will finally make it. In that respect I'm optimistic,almost indomitable, I believe in heroism. 

 

Edited January 5 by Reena

[Reena]

And because I believe so strongly in victimhood and heroism, I consider myself a Roman. It might appear to be an idiosyncracy of mine. But I attach the idea of a Roman to be a person who eventually is victorious and has has gained victory in overcoming their extreme suffering towards the end of life and then anticipates a happy ending to their sad story. 

I must have imported this idea from Bollywood because a lot of Bollywood movies tend to depict stories of struggle, suffering and matrydom and eventual victory, a "they lived happily ever after" ending to every story. 

I think I lean heavily into that rhetoric in the way I live life. 

I always wanted a heroic life. Not something ordinary. It wouldn't do justice to my gregarious (although introverted) personality. 

I like to think big. Even though it sometimes makes me a daydreamer and somewhat delusional. Well I guess we are all a bit mad sometimes, especially me. 

I remember drawing a sketch of Caesar when I was 7 years old. 

Can I say Caesar does really live long? 

 

 

Edited January 5 by Reena

[Reena]

Films and movies throughout the history of time have never done justice to the image of Caesar in my opinion. He must have been a great General. He could not have had such a massive influence for nothing. Ironically they always portray Caesar like a weak guy. 

 

Long live the Roman. 

 

[Reena]

Although I wanted a heroic life I also crave a simple life. I value heroism but I don't like the constant stress and shallowness of everyday life. 

For me life should be a Renaissance and not an endless war against petty nonsense. 

I look at petty stuff with contempt. 

 

 

I know that I often sound like I - i

.. i... i.... It does come across as somewhat egoic. Yet it's just my personality that loves indulging in self expression in the most aesthetic artistic way. It's less about me and more about my expression. It's the one thing I have been consistently passionate about for the last 7 years of my life. This form of artistic self expression and exploration. It never left me. Something that never leaves you is your true passion. I will say treasure it.

 

Life is so short. If you enjoy doing something, just do it. 

 

[Reena]

 

 

..... In a parallel universe I lived like a Queen. I indulged in art, great food, entertained people, cultivated great skills, saw myself reaching my highest potential in every facet of human expression and subject, I excelled at everything, raised children, gave wise advice, was intellectually smart and well versed with current affairs, lived a life of dignity, honor, respect, abundance and prosperity. Saved people. Found the right husband. Fulfilled my role as a woman, wife, mother and a great leader of the people. I was a hero (heroine) with great ambition and intellect. I was matchless. I exuded divine energy and inspired people to love and live in truth and goodwill and not reduce themselves to dirty political games but to live a life of truth, honesty, honor and justice. To not pander to the weaknesses of shallow people who engage in shallow goals and shallow games, who do idle gossip and look for conflicts to kill time. But to work together as a team, yet retain individual value and never lose sight of the truth even if it meant souring your relationship with someone, because truth is more important than someone's feelings and ego. To stand true to one's virtues and principles and not betray them in the event of public pressure or hardcore challenges. To emerge a winner and overcome struggles. To work diligently in the direction and pursuit of truth and goodness. To live like a child, as an innocent person, from the bottom of the heart, without agenda, without malice, without false pride. To do things for others out of goodwill and not for a photo opportunity. To be authentic in form, being and action. To live a Roman, to die a Roman. 

 

In the current universe in which I live, all of that sounds theatrical, whimsical and sometimes impossible to encapsulate into reality. To be a good moral person is difficult. If you speak the truth, you run the risk of hurting feelings. You have to play shallow games to get along with people. I don't like that kind of a shady life. I don't want to live like that. I always want to know that I lived a true life. That I was true to my heart. That I never did something to please someone. That I never pandered to some general public opinion just to look cool and hip. I have always lived a life of great contrast and did whatever I wanted. Never caring for consequences. It didn't pay me. Yet I was happy knowing that I did what I wanted and not conforming to some standard. Deep down I'm a rebel. If I wanted to do something or anything I wanted it ought to hold some meaning and purpose to me. 

 

Edited January 6 by Reena

[Reena]

I want the ending chapter of my life to reflect these words. They mean a lot to me. That's what my whole life was, is and will always be about - 

 

To Live a Roman. To Die a Roman. 

 

 

This translates to -

A Roman is a person of value and integrity. A Roman is a person who won't betray their personal principles come what may. 

To Live a life of value, meaning and purpose. 

 

Essentially the quote that I created myself (for myself) - "to live a Roman, to die a Roman means - to live for principle. To die for principle. 

 

(note that this has nothing to do with the race of Romans. I see " Roman " as a heroic person irrespective of race, culture, religion, skin color or history. Roman represents a sturdy heroic person of moral integrity in my mind. An Archetype. Because I live through Archetypes. Also I believe that in every culture, race or ethnicity, a Roman is always born. Others might not be Romans as they conform to culture. But at least one person will be a rebel. Some people will defy culture. They will live by their own principles. They will have their own moral code and spirituality. They will have their own doctrine so to speak. I consider such people Romans. Now it won't appear as idiosyncratic if you see the context in which this is spoken.)

 

 

[Reena]

 

Some guy in the journal probably confused me for a Native American. Happens all the time. Lmao. I had to tell him that I'm from India. The term Native American and Indian are used interchangeably on the internet, it's so hilarious. People don't even bother to learn basic history and geography lol..

Funnily enough, Native Americans used to be called Red Indians. So were they supposed to be our cousins, only a bit redder? I'm laughing so hard right now.

I do connect with their tribal culture though. It's similar to what we have in India. We have lots of native tribes from which our culture has evolved and we don't let our ancient culture die out although westernization has almost obliterated some of our tribal culture entirely. It's almost similar to what's happening to almost every Asian country. Erosion of culture and replacement with westernization.

India is a conglomerate of a main Aryan culture surrounded by within itself a variety of tribal cultures acting as tributaries to the main river. Our culture is very pagan, ancient and vedic. We follow a very rudimentary set of rules and principles. Our rituals haven't changed even after ages and survived both Islamic and British colonization. We are probably the only culture that did not allow complete displacement and erosion and preserved our traditional roots despite all the storms of cultural invasion. India is one of the oldest culture and civilization of the world. We are the Indus Valley Civilization. It was one of the largest civilizations in Middle Asia in ancient times. Majority of Indians hold a conservative worldview. India is a conglomerate culture. In ancient times India was called "Bharat." The ancient Indian language is Sanskrit that evolved to Hindi and Hindi is our national language. Bharat in sanskrit means "in the pursuit of knowledge." Our national flag was inspired by the flag of Ireland. The Indian constitution was “greatly inspired” by Ireland, said Mr Khurshid. Politicians who strove for Indian independence, achieved in 1947, felt a commonality with those in Ireland who also fought a power subjugating them. A lot of people, even Indians, don't know this, strange.

 

[Reena]

Indians are the original Aryans. Hitler ruined this though. He also stole our symbol of the Swastika. The whole of Germany should have had to pay reparations for insulting and stealing and defacing  our culture. This is our reality.

 

To this day we are denied our own ancestry, history and culture thanks to Hitler. 

I can't even wear my Swastika pendant in the US which my mother gifted me at birth. It's that pathetic how this one dude from Germany defaced our entire culture. 

Now everyone associates Swastika with Nazism. In our culture Swastika means prosperity and we have nothing to do with racial superiority and genocidal nonsense of nazi germany. 

 

 

The original Aryans are a group of Russians, Iranians and Indians. 

 

Edited January 6 by Reena

[Reena]

The similarity between Indian and Irish flag. 

 

 

[Reena]

My first responsible step is to drink healthy stuff and substitute every unhealthy thing with healthier alternatives. Although I won't find perfectly healthy stuff in the market but at least not as bad as the unhealthy stuff I used to drink and eat. I need to cut that out. 

 

Here it is 7.30 am right now. The grocery store opened at 7. Am. So I ran there for my favorite healthy drinks. 

 

I went to the grocery store some time ago and got myself a bunch of healthy drinks out of whatever money I had saved. 

 

I have decided to stay away from unhealthy drinks as much as possible. They are cheap and easily accessible, hence the lure. But I need to put a lid on that for good. Enough abusing my body. My body deserves better. Writing on my dreamboard - MY BODY DESERVES BETTER THAN AN UNHEALTHY CHEAP DRINK. 

 

[Reena]

 

 

I rarely step out of my house. The only time I go out is when I have to work on my neighbors farm for some cash and for grocery shopping. Right now this arrangement is working okay for my survival. 

 

My mother is currently vacationing in Cancun, Mexico. I wish her well. I don't wish to ruin her fun with my misery.

 

I operate like a burrow animal. I only sneak out of my house like a rabbit foraging for food every now and then when I have to step out urgently. 

Otherwise I stay inside my flat. My house is my protected cocoon. I feel safe inside my warm house. Alone but safe. I don't like interacting with people. I don't talk to anyone except my neighbors. I still don't have the confidence to speak to strangers or people around anywhere. I have deep social anxiety and people scare the fuck out of me. I live an introverted cocooned existence holed up in my flat and I don't go anywhere for safety reasons. I have some degree of paranoia and anxiety around people and I have mental health issues like borderline disorder that often makes me pissy and panicky. I like my own safe space. 

 

 

Anyway my arrangement is working okay for the time being. 

 

 

I'm trying to manifest blissful awareness and wrote that on my dreamboard. 

 

 

Edited January 6 by Reena

[Reena]

 

Right now the time on my phone is 8.am

 

[Reena]

 

I want to increase my affinity to healthy food and reduce my wishfulness to unhealthy food. 

 

 

[Reena]

I also got a pair of canary yellow dumbbells out of the money I earned on the farm and these dumbbells will help me do some exercise at home. The gym membership is too expensive and i can't afford it right now. 

 

I'm also a bit scared to go to the gym because there will be people there and I feel intense discomfort around people. I develop fear and paranoia.

 

 

 

Edited January 6 by Reena