Deep feeling of anxiety in the background

[Serenity]

So, I am wondering if anyone can relate to that or have an idea about where this could be coming from or what to do about it.

 

I have been for years a somewhat anxious person. It's not always perceptible, but some triggers get me to feel a deep, very uncomfortable vibe of anxiety located in the body.

 

My impression is that not only does this unbearable suffering overwhelm me, but it also obstructs my capacity to perceive or embrace anything positive during these moments. It feels as though I am plunging into a profound pit of insecurity and despair. My access to creativity and profound insights becomes severed. I notice myself adopting a defensive, conservative stance, often appearing rather dismissive. Concurrently, my body language becomes closed off, and I have an overwhelming urge to withdraw. I experience a strong sense of being closed off and diminished, as if I wish to vanish.

 

At times, if this state persists, it can deteriorate to the extent of inducing physiological symptoms, leading to bouts of vomiting and trembling.

 

 

The problem lies in my inability to pinpoint a specific fear. It's more of an overarching feeling of catastrophizing and unworthiness. I find myself consumed by thoughts that if this continues, I'll end up homeless, steeped in shame, rejected, and perpetually unwanted, with no chance of ever finding happiness in life. I fear that none of my efforts will extricate me from this situation, that others will view me as peculiar, and that none of my aspirations or desires will ever come to fruition. That I am going to be a looser, abused by society in awful ways and die in awful conditions.

 

[Serenity]

Since I am able to channel and release the emotion I'll keep going on.

 

I feel better just by writing and I get to cry.

 

My body is so tense, and these emotions are feeling so discordant that I feel almost split in two. Like my body is on the Earth dimension, and these emotions are energy located in fucking hell. I feel like I am about to faint.

 

I can't believe a human being can feel that bad, yet I am certain I must not be the only one having been through that.

 

I've seen people having this type of irrational, excessive emotional outburst that seems coming from deeply rejected emotions from their past. The energy coming out of them is mindblowing and quite shocking, because they words, thoughts and actions seems so energized...  So possessed by the emotions.

 

 

[Serenity]

Right now, I am experiencing concern. I feel embarrassed that I am looking and reading like a hot mess.

 

I am distressed about the fact that I hold such an energetic cancer. Or that I am birthing it. The pollution that I feel on the inside is getting outside and I am disgusted that I spread this energy on that forum.

[Serenity]

I am thankful for Phil to host this place, and for making it safe enough for me to purge this.

 

And grateful for the forum users to cultivate a culture for vulnerability and sharing their innermosts insecurities.

Without being fake. Without putting a veneer.

 

Brr. I feel like a lot of energy has escaped through the persona I try to maintain.

 

I already feel liberated.

 

Though, I feel also like I've been emotionally unstable and I am judging myself for that. Lol

[Blessed2]

Check out a book called The Ultimate Key To Happiness by Robert Scheinfeld. Might offer some new perspectives and tools.

[Serenity]

 

BOUHOUHOUHOU.

 

I SUFFER.

 

My culture doesn't allow for emotional displays. I always curate myself. Protestant hell hole of mine! Broomstick in the ass culture! I HATE IT ALL.

 

FAKE PEOPLE EVERYWHERE. Why I am a feeling like the crazy one when they are all better fit for going to the psychiatrist than I am?

[Serenity]

2 minutes ago, Blessed2 said:

Check out a book called The Ultimate Key To Happiness by Robert Scheinfeld. Might offer some new perspectives and tools.

I will look at it. Thank you for commenting. 🤍

[Serenity]

Big emotional outburst full of low level emotions aren't ever going to look curated and rational.

 

I need to get over it. 😁

 

 

[Serenity]

How much shame can one POOR FAKE SENSE OF SELF absorb in a life time??

 

WTF.

 

BEEN PROCESSING THIS STUFF FOR YEARS!!!

 

Obviously, it is the mechanism that repress the crap down. 

 

I feel that shame is akin to hair clogging a drain; when you pull it out, a flood of repulsive, unpleasant pieces of crap surfaces along with it. EWW.

 

 

 

[Serenity]

It's all fine.

 

All of that thread was made possible by a single half cup of coffee ✅.

 

This is why I've spent 32 years of my life never drinking that stuff.

[WhiteOwl]

1 hour ago, Serenity said:

The problem lies in my inability to pinpoint a specific fear.

No it doesn't. But how does that thought feel?

 

Try to read all that you wrote, and see that by writing it you are also creating it. You are creating this for yourself, and you feel how that feels. 

 

You want to steer the ship in another direction if you want to feel differently. Find better feeling perspectives.

40 minutes ago, Serenity said:

I feel that shame is akin to hair clogging a drain; when you pull it out, a flood of repulsive, unpleasant pieces of crap surfaces along with it. EWW.

 

You can do better than this

 

Going through the emotional scale, it can be helpful to express really broad, not too specific. like "Sometimes i feel so much anger when things don't work out".. etc

 

Happy new year! All the best 🙂 

 

 

[Mandy]

Wow, I admire your consistency, I can never be consistently anxious, no matter how hard I try. Always a moment of fun, appreciation or relaxation sneaks in. Damn it! 

[Mandy]

2 hours ago, Serenity said:

It's all fine.

 

All of that thread was made possible by a single half cup of coffee ✅.

 

This is why I've spent 32 years of my life never drinking that stuff.

😂

It's like a tiger chasing you, and caffeine makes it seem like it's RIGHT there at your heels. 

 

YOU IS the tiger though. The epitome of impotent power. 

[Phil]

The thought, belief in anxiety & shame, feels discordant. 

You, of course, feel wonderful. 

[Serenity]

1 hour ago, WhiteOwl said:

No it doesn't. But how does that thought feel?

 

Try to read all that you wrote, and see that by writing it you are also creating it. You are creating this for yourself, and you feel how that feels. 

 

It feels awful. It compounds the energy of despair and hopelessness in a loop.

 

My impression is that I have written what I felt to release it. I know other perspectives are existing. What I might not be feeling like in the moment is that it's possible for me to move from it. But I have already felt some disgusting other form of powerlessness in the past that felt impossible to move from, and they are gone. So I am just trying to feel it, get it to move by expressing the energy in the shape it takes at that peculiar moment.

1 hour ago, WhiteOwl said:

You want to steer the ship in another direction if you want to feel differently. Find better feeling perspectives.

You can do better than this

Yes, exactly. Thanks for encouraging me.

 

It means a lot to receive kindness when one is identified with feeling that gross through some velcrow emotion/thoughts.

 

😊🤍

1 hour ago, WhiteOwl said:

 

Going through the emotional scale, it can be helpful to express really broad, not too specific. like "Sometimes i feel so much anger when things don't work out".. etc

 

 

 

 

 

I think the real stuff is that I have some still unaddressed traumas around feeling unwanted, ostracized and rejected. Due to my life experience, it would make sense that this is what's hiding behind. I think I fear being ostracized and left to die and rot alone because I am not good enough and unloved/unloveable. That would be a very common fear, but more fueled in my case.

1 hour ago, WhiteOwl said:

Happy new year! All the best 🙂 

Thank you.  You too! Happy new year! All blessings.

[Serenity]

37 minutes ago, Mandy said:

Wow, I admire your consistency, I can never be consistently anxious, no matter how hard I try. Always a moment of fun, appreciation or relaxation sneaks in. Damn it! 

😁

 

These moments feel forever, and obviously, the despair is lying.

 

Thank you for pointing this out. 🤍

 

 

Goodness! I've finally found the perfect name for that place. The Trash Vortex. It feels like a powerful magnet drawing in all things undesirable from the outside, because within, it's just as dark...

[WhiteOwl]

5 minutes ago, Serenity said:

My impression is that I have written what I felt to release it.

You haven't for the most part. You are rationalizing how you feel and justifying it because of xx. That is the loop. Acknowledging an emotion felt is not the same as

"

6 minutes ago, Serenity said:

I think the real stuff is that I have some still unaddressed traumas around feeling unwanted, ostracized and rejected. Due to my life experience, it would make sense that this is what's hiding behind. I think I fear being ostracized and left to die and rot alone because I am not good enough and unloved/unloveable. That would be a very common fear, but more fueled in my case.

"

You feel like you do BECAUSE you believe these things. If you didn't think or believe that, you would feel differently right? 

 

And then you can say "Yea but it is true that i did go through this so i have this hidden thing inside" which makes you feel the same again.

 

You see the loop?

 

Breaking it looks like "Maybe i might not actually be broken. What if i try to challenge that? What are some good things i have learned from all this?" Etc etc. Build up slowly.

[Serenity]

41 minutes ago, Mandy said:

😂

It's like a tiger chasing you, and caffeine makes it seem like it's RIGHT there at your heels. 

 

YOU IS the tiger though. The epitome of impotent power. 

I am is potent 😁.

 

 

What's happening is that the trash vortex has been affecting my experiences for a while, but it's time to put it back where it belongs. Soon, it will be recycled into an awareness of my true nature.

[Serenity]

34 minutes ago, WhiteOwl said:

You haven't for the most part. You are rationalizing how you feel and justifying it because of xx. That is the loop. Acknowledging an emotion felt is not the same as

"

"

You feel like you do BECAUSE you believe these things. If you didn't think or believe that, you would feel differently right? 

 

And then you can say "Yea but it is true that i did go through this so i have this hidden thing inside" which makes you feel the same again.

 

You see the loop?

 

Breaking it looks like "Maybe i might not actually be broken. What if i try to challenge that? What are some good things i have learned from all this?" Etc etc. Build up slowly.

I'll keep going. No worries. 

 

I understand why one could think that I am rationalizing how I feel and not working through that. But each of these words have been written shedding tears or instigating them, and feeling/acknowledging deep sadness.

 

These elements aren't getting captured through words hence the impression of rationalization.

 

Also, the outburst is about how I feel constraint by having to maintain a persona while I am hurting inside and how it pisses me off to live in a very codified society that is putting so much pressure on authenticity. I kinda lost my temper and that's quite explosive or acting irrational from my standpoint, which isn't how I act when I am rationalizing stuff.

Edited December 31, 2023 by Serenity

[Serenity]

50 minutes ago, Phil said:

The thought, belief in anxiety & shame, feels discordant. 

You, of course, feel wonderful. 

 

I have read the map on aversion. And it is very insightful and I clearly recognize some elements on it.

 

But here is what keeps me stuck.

 

1) I 100% have my hand on the hot stove. The thoughts, and feelings I am experiencing do not feel right. They are awful and anyone feeling this would feel bad about it. I get that. And I can also recognize that I want to move away from the hot stove and stop this self-harming behavior.

 

 My impression is that I sleep walk and suddenly find myself on the hot stove again. I keep experiencing the hot stove and I am not sure what to do to stop experiencing the hot stove burning my hands.

 

2)  Am I not supposed to feel and express the aversion (in which case, I am totally confused as of how one can express without some degree of  mental activity of labelling, conceptualizing, and rationalizing discernening of what causes the situation in the first place) ? I understand  that the underlying emotions is what needs to be surrendered to, though, and the thoughts generated by the emotions are of little importance because they are just an consequence of the emotion.