Serenity

@Mandy Sent you a DM.

Thank you Mandy for replying. I agree with you. The issue is that it is not safe to tell my partner anything. I am spending a lot of time sheltering him and walking on eggshells because his reactions are just absolutely crazy when it comes to the neighbors as another noisy neighbor moved in two years ago while he lost his family and his life crumbled after his mother committed suicide. That situation escalated awfully and made me feel unsafe on a daily basis as there was constant drama due to his inability to cope with his emotions and him getting triggered each time there was noise.

Powerlessness, fear, despair. 🤧 ❤️‍🩹 Loneliness. Unsafety.

Okay, so I am not sure where this one belong. Either here or in the emptying thread, as it is a mix of both. So for some context, yesterday after going outside with my mother and my aunt (a visit), when we came home we noticed that the neighbor was throwing another very loud party and I was very angry and bothered because I wanted them and I to be able to sleep well. I rang at the door and complained about the noise. The situation had been going on for months, as someone new moved in. I was met by the said neighbor and a group of girls who were rather nice and offered me to talk this through and I thought it would be a good idea to solve the situation diplomatically. I know that a lot of my fellows neighbors have complained about the new coming one with no luck as no one managed to directly talked to them as their place is gated, and I got lucky yesterday because they actually opened the door to me. The new neighbor is very rich and has got an entourage of people. There were a couple dudes and a lot of girls. I got acquainted with several of the girls there with whom I talked about the noise, and who made the neighbor apology for its repeated behavior (he said he thought no one was there and had no idea it was so loud). Anyway. I had no idea about who these people were, but as the conversation unfolded, one of the girls there was very nice and we started discussing shadow work and consciousness which got me to relax a bit and I started enjoying the moment and was in a conversation flow. Exactly around that time, the new neighbor decided they'd go out to a bar just around the street, and I was invited by the girl to come and several others. I hesitated, but thought it wouldn't be so bad to go for 1h or so, grabbed by coat at home and came back. When I came back, the neighbor was talking and said we'd go to a place somewhere a bit further on the same street. I hadn't been talking much with him while I was at his place and I didn't like much of his vibe. Sort of like a party animal type with little self-awareness. And there, he told us something that I didn't pay much attention to at first. He said that I should enjoy the night like if I were single and behave as such. And I was both surprised and unimpressed as his comment, because I didn't know what to make out of it and I've met a lot of delusional guys who say a lot of this type of ridiculous comments. I replied firmly that I wasn't single and had no intention to behave as such. The other girls weren't giving any proper warning signs either and told him I wasn't single and he was overstepping. I thought the matter was close but he insisted and me and the girls rolled our eyes and were like "yeah, sure". And at that point, my perspective on the situation was that he didn't get to dictate my behavior and that it was very likely a somewhat benign comment. Anyway. Fast forward. 1 hour later the neighbor sat me next to him at some point, and suddenly put his hand on my thigh. I really hated it from the moment he did that, but I brushed off the first seconds as just a poor social skills and then started wondering and thinking this gesture through as it kept going. I think it might have lasted between 20 seconds or 1mn or so until out of discomfort I finally managed to move by pretending to go to the rest room and went away. Maybe it lasted even longer, I don't know. But it truly felt like forever to me. Very shortly after that I went back home after saying goodbye to the girls I had met. And I wasn't THAT bothered and mortified at first, but this afternoon I thought about this gesture again and truly felt grossed out, commodified and somewhat violated. I am also embarrassed about that situation as I didn't explicitly pushed it back (I knew this wouldn't be taken well if I were to tell him to get his hands away from me). Truly, what was going on inside of me is that I was suddenly terribly surprised and scared of him and his audacity and what would be his reaction if I were to upset his ego. And I got into freeze mode and started thinking through this situation to think of how I could solve it with the least damage. And that it involved not getting him to react or respond in an aggressive way toward me and me sneaking out at the first chance. But I'm pretty sure that in his mind, he is just thinking I let him do it and I am a girl with low boundries or of little virtue he can just grab and disrespect and who enjoyed it. And that since I didn't say anything, that was consensual. But this WAS NOT. I was no even remotely attracted to him and he knew I was with someone. I have no more intention to ever get in this person's vicinity. Truly, I have no idea how I attracted this type of interaction except for the fact that this person has moved just next to the place I live. I am especially bothered because I don't dare to tell my boyfriend what happened. And my boyfriend is already in a tense relationship with this neighbor because of the repeated noise. We think he might be of a shady background despite the fact that we live in a safe neighborhood with a lot of security as there has been some hearsay that he might be related to some local related dodgy connections... And I am certain that if If he heard of that part of the story (i told him all the rest but omitted that one event) he would go crazy, which would bring a lot of stress and poison seriously our living situation. And I also want to protect him from doing anything foolish. I also think that I'll likely be blamed for not telling this guy to fuck off and let him put his hand on my thigh for so long. I know very well the rape culture we swim in and I know I'll be also be blamed for deciding to get out with them, not spotting well enough the red flag, and then for leaving in a civil way instead of making a fuss, and doing everything to sooth this pig's ego to not make the situation worse. In total, I spent 2 hours with them and went from knowing nothing about who this person is to finding it he was that type of creep. Had I known I would never have been there, of course, but I thought all the time that I had this situation somewhat under control and that he'd have little interest in me as there were literally 10 girls around. I also thought one of them was his girlfriend, which would have made me safe. I also never find myself in these type of situation anymore as I carefully curate my circle now. So I truly didn't knew what to make of that. I think the best is to ignore it and relativise how bad that gesture was (factually it was just a hand on a thigh) but I am also aware this was a dominating move and I have very likely been 'whored' against my will by a man with a strong madonna-whore complex and this is the real issue to me. I think this person is mentally in a very poor shape and I dread what this action has unlocked in him when it comes to his relationship to me. He thinks I'm his thing. And I'm dealing there with someone who has a lot of foolish behavior and very little awareness and self-reflection capacity, but holds more influence and ressources than I do. I am also concerned about how this make appear my partner in his eye as I am pretty certain he is now having the delusional perception that this was consensual and I am bad, borderline cheating girlfriend to him. Like, kind of in a "I got your girl situation". I am even now wondering if he had calculated all of that since the start, but he really didn't look nearly as smart as that. I feel so disgusted and angry. I literally feel like I want to vomit. He sent me an apology today, but I am pretty sure this was ONLY about the noise and my initial complain. I feel trapped in a situation were none of the options are good. I either have to pretend that the neighbor is not nearly that bad to my partner (when I am now mortified to live near this creep) or to tell him the truth and watch a reactive mess unfold.

Finally made it to contentment for the first time. Bringing up all that batch of once repressed energy from the bottom of the scale until this stage feels absolutely glorious. I am quite certain there will be some scale relapses, and consolidation to do, but I am... well... content. 🙂

Letting the cloud of overwhelment be felt. Letting it deploy its storm and pass, as all experiences do. I've felt it in the background since what feels like forever. Coping with it, instead of aknowledging it. I feel tired. Exhausted. Crushed by responsibilities and to dos. By the political, economical and social systems. By my healing and all the emotional processing I have to do. Why am I that person who get to do so much and in difficult circumstances? A part of me wants to become an hermit, disconnect and sleep for days, weeks, months. Just do nothing. Being taken cared of while no more challenges and situations to care of arises. 🙃 No background feelings of guilt and shame. Or no sensations of time being wasted.

I am and have been going through so much healing. I am so thankful for everyone who helped me on that journey. 🥹

Going from a "I just want to be loved" (shame) vibe to 'I am Love'.

😂

😡 That's the appropriate sanction for such a terrible offense! Put a guillotine in your dreamboard, justice needs to be made. 😁 Thanks. Got them. But the adoption papers are still missing, while we are at it. 💅

Me! 🥹

And maybe, that should be named 'harmonizing', not 'fixing' 😀.

It's never about fixing oneself. The only things to fix are the unhelpful thoughts, emotions and patterns.

Proper shadow work in non dual

Shadow work : fishing for ego dense mirages and harmonizing it back into oneness/love.

Using a remarkable and a paper journal to journal these days. Will keep this journal for proper public journaling purposes, which means it could end up being very different from all these other journals I am have ever made, as I never had other private journals. I have been experiencing some real feelings of exhaustion, as well as some life changes. I wanted to give myself some slack. I also do a lot of what is called 'inner work', on top of managing the 'outside' life situations. The inner work is the most challenging by far, as I keep feeling repressions of all kinds stemming from my previous experience as an emotionally 'numb' person. I keep on seeing elements that needs to be reintegrated, in what seems to be a high priority, 'urgent' change. But also, there is the Awakening. And the Awakening brings me so much confusion as when I bask into Being, there is just this knowledge that all is well, and there is no ego to fix.

I am there.

Following the model of free hugs, I was inspired to create this thread where everyone can come to receive some unconditional love and appreciation when experiencing self-referential thoughts and emotions of inadequacy. All our coping mechanisms and shadow motivations stem from attempts to soothe ourselves from the pain of the illusion of shame. So, anytime you feel the need to be reminded of your true nature, please feel free to post here.

One of the most interesting interview I've ever listened to. King archetype with perfectly integrated Warrior, Magician and Lover. A role model for my animus. 😍

The joy of having a narcissistic sibling. 🖕 + Fuck the patriarchy. Enabling male narcissists left and right.

And thus, to fully be.