Deep feeling of anxiety in the background

[Phil]

@Serenity

On one hand not replying could seem rude, on the other I’m not sure if you’re asking a question. 

[Serenity]

7 minutes ago, Phil said:

@Serenity

On one hand not replying could seem rude, on the other I’m not sure if you’re asking a question. 

Sorry. Thanks for letting me know I am not being clear.

 

What I mean is that I don't understand what is being said in the map https://www.actualityofbeing.com/aversion. 

 

Am I supposed to feel and express or am I supposed to run away from the hot stove? The problem being that I don't chose it, I just feel bad emotions and when I pay attention to the thoughts comings, they are mean and self-abusive (which seems to also causes the hot stove).

 

It feels like a loop.

Edited December 31, 2023 by Serenity

[Phil]

@Serenity

I didn’t say ‘you’re not being clear’.  I said ‘on one hand not replying could seem rude, on the other I’m not sure if you’re asking a question’.

 

16 minutes ago, Serenity said:

Am I supposed to feel and express or am I supposed to run away from the hot stove?

 I’m not saying you’re supposed to do anything. I’m also not saying taking a hand of a hot stove is running away.

 

18 minutes ago, Serenity said:

The problem being that I don't chose it, I just feel bad emotions and when I pay attention to the thoughts comings, they are mean and self-abusive (which seems to also causes the hot stove).

I’m not saying there are bad emotions, or that you feel bad. (I said wonderful). 

 

18 minutes ago, Serenity said:

 

It feels like a loop.

Most likely because it is. A self referential thought loop. 

 

[Serenity]

@Phil

 

Thank you for answering.

 

I mostly don't see where you were trying to lead me. I appreciate though the efforts you've put in there.

 

In any case, I think it's all working out by itself as I am able to just feel all of that and cry in depth at the moment. So I'll keep staying with the feeling without even trying to understand anything.

Edited December 31, 2023 by Serenity

[Phil]

@Serenity

Yes! It’s all working out by itself, 100%. 

 

I wasn’t trying to lead anywhere, I was saying the concepts are what feels discordant. Not to beat a dead horse I hope, but I’m not even saying stay with the feeling. I’m really just saying acknowledging emotions is the way to go in comparison to conceptualizing. In accordance with concepts maybe it’s working out maybe it’s not, really depends on the content of the concept, but in accordance with emotions it’s all already working itself out. 

 

 

[Serenity]

16 hours ago, Phil said:

@Serenity

Yes! It’s all working out by itself, 100%. 

 

I wasn’t trying to lead anywhere, I was saying the concepts are what feels discordant. Not to beat a dead horse I hope, but I’m not even saying stay with the feeling. I’m really just saying acknowledging emotions is the way to go in comparison to conceptualizing. In accordance with concepts maybe it’s working out maybe it’s not, really depends on the content of the concept, but in accordance with emotions it’s all already working itself out. 

 

 

 

Thank you, Phil.

 

Lots of old emotions are surfacing up, and I am allowing them to emerge and pass through.

 

 

[Phil]

@Serenity

🙏🏼 

 

Check direct experience of course, but maybe old interpretations, emotionally felt presently as they’re emptying. The worthwhileness of investigating that distinction might be whether any discord felt is of interpretation or of emotion. 

[Serenity]

2 hours ago, Phil said:

@Serenity

🙏🏼

 

Check direct experience of course, but maybe old interpretations, emotionally felt presently as they’re emptying. The worthwhileness of investigating that distinction might be whether any discord felt is of interpretation or of emotion. 

Great advice. I find that there is mix out of both past and news interpretations when it comes to these emotions. What seems to be causing me a lot of suffering is when despair or helplessness kicks in, and I've got feelings of being back emotionally to an "old space", and this impression freaks me out because it doesn't feel good, on top of giving me the impression that I never managed to extract myself of it for real, despite all efforts. 

 

I can't believe I'm still able to fall into places of powerlessness, despair, hopelessness/helplessness and feel jailed in them. I am tired of that kind of self-abuse. To be honest, I think I am depressed just to know these emotions still exist in me, and I'm wondering to what degree they should be explored, expressed, felt and cleared out until one doesn't ever feel them again , or if they are by nature bottomless and should be just moved away from?

 

I am also feeling very confused. My days are like rollercoasters when I do this type of work. I feel emotionally and mentally a bit unstable, chaotic and lost, because there is no clear direction in feeling these old emotions (grief, jealousy, sadness, heplessness, despair, joy, love, fear can alternate) and while there seems to be a lot of release, tonight I am feeling pissed because I've lost a day of work, sitting in the bed the whole day, and I am feeling the irritation from still not being significantly relieved from low level frequency emotions.

 

I feel impatient, sad, tired, disappointed, and unworthy of great things coming my way.  I also experience self-disgust.

 

Yet, my eyes are so red and sore because of all the silent crying that I am still hopeful this process is working, albeit not as fast as hope. I also got some beautiful insights.

 

Edited January 1 by Serenity