Feeling shame and insecurity in relationship. How does one turn vibration around

[WhiteOwl]

I am dating this new woman whom i really like so far. I feel insecure and not at ease around a lot of people she know. After we went out on Friday we met a lot of them, and i managed without showing too much insecurity which is what it seems to be about for me. We talked a lot and we both seemed happy and very into each other. We have been seeing and sleeping together a handful of times before this evening. When we came home i had mild anxiety from the night, also we had been doing drugs that started to wear off. We had sex, and during eye contact at one moment it was like she could clearly see how i was actually feeling. The insecurity. She did not like it i felt instantly. After a few hours where i wasn't able to sleep and had to go to work, she seemed a bit changed when she woke up. 

My assumption is that she sees that i feel insecure and doubts our relationship, which i totally understand. 

The feelings of worthlessness and insecurity are something that has been going on for so many years and seems impossible to let go, so it hurts a lot that this is now an issue again, since i actually really like her in a way i didn't with anyone for a long time. 

We used to talk everyday with good vibes. 

Its suddenly like the balance is pushed like i am the desperate one. I maybe put her a bit on a pedestal after i started to like her. 

 

Thinking about her now causes feeling of sadness and shame. Thoughts like "i don't know if i can be like before", and that worries me and probably also her. 

 

 

How do you turn the vibration with someone after an experience like this?

 

And how does one fucking eradicate this life destroying feeling of inferiority/insecurity? 

 

[Mandy]

The assumption is that people have a different mix of good qualities and flaws, and therefore different values. The assumption is that we can leave a relationship because of certain flaws and find someone with good qualities and that that will be that. 

 

Why is this not the case? 

[Phil]

3 minutes ago, WhiteOwl said:

How do you turn the vibration with someone after an experience like this?

how does one fucking eradicate this life destroying feeling of inferiority/insecurity? 

Bursting the bubble & feeling the emotion.

 

Tuning vibration is allowing thought to align with feeling. 

Two tuning together is two allowing thought to align with feeling. 

 

The guidance is like a phone is ringing, while thoughts claim it’s something else. Thought makes outlandish claims, like it’s a time traveler, magician or even mind reader. Meanwhile the phone is still ringing.

 

Bursting the bubble is noticing the claim, and is like acknowledging that indeed there is a phone ringing.

Feeling the emotion is like answering the phone. As the phone is answered, there is relief & clarity.

The occurrences and severity of the phone ringing now begin to diminish. 

Given the nature of relief & clarity, answering the phone actually is revealed to be soothing, joyful and blissful. 

 

Then the bubble is burst, the emotion is felt, and more of you is allowed into the relationship. 

It tends to be contagious. 

[WhiteOwl]

1 hour ago, Mandy said:

The assumption is that people have a different mix of good qualities and flaws, and therefore different values. The assumption is that we can leave a relationship because of certain flaws and find someone with good qualities and that that will be that. 

 

Why is this not the case? 

I am not sure. Some people you resonate more with than others. 

 

Being with someone who feels insecure and therefore not really available doesn't work in a relationship. So i guess finding someone else in that case would be that if it persists?

[Reena]

Insecurity can destroy relationships. They are like intrusive thoughts. 

You'll need to up your self esteem. Watch how your own insufficient ego causes you to put someone on a pedestal. This is not your fault. This is not their fault. 

You just need to vibe with the right person.. The wrong person will push you away. The insecurity is like rain. You expect that it will water your crops. But insteadk  it floods them and they die. 

Insecurity makes you attract the  wrong kind of people, people who are either miffed by your insecurity or those that push you away after a while. 

When you remove your insecurity completely, you'll attract people who are more aligned to how you are. They will be in sync with you. 

 

Insecurity is not a fundamental flaw. It's a temperamental flaw. 

 

When you don't work on your insecurity, you end up attracting all kinds of wrong people and having improper synergies, their energies don't match with you. It's not like you couldn't have gotten along, but you never get that opportunity as a direct result of that insecurity. It's a negativity attracting element. 

 

So if a girl is insecure, she will always end up with a guy who is using this insecurity against her. You'll meet the weaponizing kind of people. Let's say a girl is insecure of her weight. She will find a guy who will always call her fat to make her bend to his will. This is obviously not a good situation. Yet it is her temperamental flaw that causes to attract such men. There can be men who won't call her fat but she won't attract them. 

 

Insecurity is like that. It's not a deeply wrong flaw. But it's a flaw that sets a tone of attracting everything bad  and I don't know if this is a word but it de-attracts the people who would actually take it away or be the cure. Like if you met a really wholesome person, all your insecurities just melt away. But you'll de-attract them. Instead you'll attract the other. 

To attract that which you want, you'll have to first fix or remove this deficiency or insecurity. You will have to live in abundance. 

 

Not quite sure if you understood my post. 

 

 

[WhiteOwl]

1 hour ago, Phil said:

Then the bubble is burst, the emotion is felt, and more of you is allowed into the relationship. 

It tends to be contagious. 

I remember you saying "All thoughts are aversion". Is that true?

 

I feel a lot. Its just like there is something missed since the pattern persists.

[WhiteOwl]

@Phil

I assume feeling is this stream that is always there but not always focused upon. Always having focus on the stream is what alignment could be called?

 

Is feeling the weight of the body also the feeling you refer to?

Edited November 26, 2023 by WhiteOwl

[Mandy]

29 minutes ago, WhiteOwl said:

I am not sure. Some people you resonate more with than others. 

 

Being with someone who feels insecure and therefore not really available doesn't work in a relationship. So i guess finding someone else in that case would be that if it persists?

Why did your most recent relationship end? 

[WhiteOwl]

Just now, Mandy said:

Why did your most recent relationship end? 

It never felt right. When i was with her it just most of the times felt like i was at the wrong place. I didn't have so much fun being with her. 

I also asked the question, If it wasn't for the amazing sex, we would never be together for that long. Which was true. I really admired her as a person and wanted it to work but never felt right no matter how hard i tried. And i tried hard. I was always afraid i would meet someone else that i would fall in love with, and it sort of happened like that.

Even though the other relationship was ended before anything happened.

 

Don't some relationships serve a purpose in your life at some point but not forever? 

[Phil]

25 minutes ago, WhiteOwl said:

I remember you saying "All thoughts are aversion". Is that true?

No. I don’t recall saying that. 

 

25 minutes ago, WhiteOwl said:

 

I feel a lot. It’s just like there is something missed since the pattern persists.

By feeling I just mean feeling. 

 

21 minutes ago, WhiteOwl said:

@Phil

I assume feeling is this stream that is always there but not always focused upon. Always having focus on the stream is what alignment could be called?

Allowing thought to align with feeling. 

 

Feeling already is, like the sun is already shining. Feeling is un-obscured, not focused upon. 

 

21 minutes ago, WhiteOwl said:

Is feeling the weight of the body also the feeling you refer to?

Really just feeling. That there is feeling. Feeling which doesn’t vary in degrees, never comes, goes or changes. Yes, it’s mass as well. 

 

Try to find things (claims) in your op that you don’t know are absolutely true. 

[WhiteOwl]

10 minutes ago, Mandy said:

Why did your most recent relationship end? 

But it also had to do with me feeling insecure in it. Just in a different way than now. 

[Mandy]

2 minutes ago, WhiteOwl said:

But it also had to do with me feeling insecure in it. Just in a different way than now. 

Different faces, different places, same awareness of what you got going on. If you end a relationship due to insecurity at least take as long as it takes to feel into what you got going on before you jump into another. Align yourself with yourself for yourself. Don't try to align with her. 

[WhiteOwl]

2 minutes ago, Mandy said:

Different faces, different places, same awareness of what you got going on. If you end a relationship due to insecurity at least take as long as it takes to feel into what you got going on before you jump into another. Align yourself with yourself for yourself. Don't try to align with her. 

It wasnt only because of insecurity. I didn't feel insecure around her, like i more do in my new. I felt a lot of frustration in the old.

 

I wanted to, but things just happened quickly.

[Mandy]

@WhiteOwl Is the fear that the current girl is feeling the same frustration you felt with the previous girl? 

[WhiteOwl]

1 minute ago, Mandy said:

@WhiteOwl Is the fear that the current girl is feeling the same frustration you felt with the previous girl? 

That is exaclty the case yes. I see similarities. What you give is what you get sort of. Do you think that could be the case

[Mandy]

@WhiteOwl Abundant infinite love isn't thinking about whether anyone is deserving of it or not. 

[WhiteOwl]

Just now, Mandy said:

@WhiteOwl Abundant infinite love isn't thinking about whether anyone is deserving of it or not. 

Just almost funny to be on the other side all of a sudden.

[WhiteOwl]

7 minutes ago, Mandy said:

@WhiteOwl Is the fear that the current girl is feeling the same frustration you felt with the previous girl? 

Why did you ask this then?

[Mandy]

@WhiteOwlYou could say it's karma, and you did a crappy thing and deserve the flip side of what you got, which is what you're getting. But deserving is not a thing. No one deserves anything. All karma is, is love rejected coming back around like a boomerang thrown and forgotten about, and either you catch it and appreciate the surprise and magic of it or it hits you in the back of the head, unaware. Even then it's still something to appreciate and laugh at because it will make itself known. 

 

No one deserves a partner that is equal to them in all ways and no one deserves to get back what they dish out. 

 

Love is infinite, no one needs to prove their worth. Trying to value yourself and your partner, seeing how you stack up all the time is always going to feel awful. 

[WhiteOwl]

2 minutes ago, Mandy said:

@WhiteOwlYou could say it's karma, and you did a crappy thing and deserve the flip side of what you got, which is what you're getting. But deserving is not a thing. No one deserves anything. All karma is, is love rejected coming back around like a boomerang thrown and forgotten about, and either you catch it and appreciate the surprise and magic of it or it hits you in the back of the head. Even then it's still something to appreciate and laugh at. It's not a sin. 

 

No one deserves a partner that is equal to them in all ways and no one deserves to get back what they dish out. 

 

Love is infinite, no one needs to prove their worth. Trying to value yourself and your partner, seeing how you stack up all the time is always going to feel awful. 

So what do you suggest i do from here? Is it just karma giving me what i deserve or is there a chance for a good relationship with her.