How to reconcile a specific thought.

[Kevin]

They shouldn’t have treated me that way. Or they should have treated me better.

 

When I think these thoughts I feel anger and rage and insecurity. Anger and rage obviously because I perceive some wrongdoing. Or that I have been treated unfairly. The insecurity because of another thought that says it’s my fault that I was treated this way.

 

Is it as simple as I was treated that way? What am I missing here? How do I move past this?

 

when I think it is what it is, I experience a lot of resistance to that idea. Like things should not be this way.

[Reena]

Life is unfair. You can let this unfairness bother you and make it worse or you can simply surrender to this unfairness and lower your expectations and then do the best you can in any given circumstance and look for a positive outcome despite the unfairness and give yourself a pat for having triumphed over that unfairness Or simply wallow in self pity and feelings of discord over that unfairness. The choice is radical and it's yours. Life doesn't change in the immediate frame. You cannot waste your life over a thought. 

[Kevin]

25 minutes ago, Reena said:

Life is unfair. You can let this unfairness bother you and make it worse or you can simply surrender to this unfairness and lower your expectations and then do the best you can in any given circumstance and look for a positive outcome despite the unfairness and give yourself a pat for having triumphed over that unfairness Or simply wallow in self pity and feelings of discord over that unfairness. The choice is radical and it's yours. Life doesn't change in the immediate frame. You cannot waste your life over a thought. 

Yup that’s where I’m at. I don’t want to let it go tho 

[Devin]

Possibly male conditioning. Men are taught they're responsible for what happens to them, 'you're just not man enough', 'you should have spoke up',.... it's bullshit, like shame rape victims have, social conditioning.

 

'Moving past anger and rage', does it affect you enough to be a concern? If so, look at why they are how they are, they've been hurt, and even deeper; suffering gives life flavor.

Edited November 25, 2023 by Devin

[Reena]

@Kevin maybe you can try for the sake of your own good to focus more on your own reactions rather than what they did unfairly. Maybe think of that "unfair treatment" as some sort of a wounded branch attached to your body. Now take this wounded branch, cut it at its source and throw it in the dumpster. 

Now it's removed. You're free of it. 

Does this mental exercise help? 

We can't control a lot of what happens to us although there's furious ambition to get what we want.

Yet on the flip side, maybe focusing on the self might bring some peace and dissolve some discord. If any consolation can be found in the middle of discord. 

 

 

[Phil]

@Kevin

Sounds like anger, rage & blame (rather than insecurity). 

When the thought that you want to reconcile comes up, do you also experience discouragement? 

[Joseph Maynor]

Regarding getting ticked off with how others treat you in words or actions: I would say the #1 strategy is to have an internal source of happiness.  #2 is to give people the freedom to be however they are.  #3 is to identify people who are harmful to you and to put boundaries in place either limiting exposure to them or cutting them out of your awareness field.  And then #4 is to have an internal sense of sovereignty where what others say or think doesn't penetrate past your firewall.  Look, your feelings are probably legitimate, the problem is you can't control other people.  What you can control is where your happiness and sense of sovereignty come from.  If you have a sense of sovereignty, you're much less likely to feel like a victim.  What you're gonna feel like is these people are not suitable for me to relate with.  And then you take defensive actions to protect your happiness from being wiped out due to the words and actions of other people.  It's like you're free to be, but so am I, and I'm free to decide who I let into my awareness field, for how long, and under what circumstances as well.

Edited November 25, 2023 by Joseph Maynor

[Phil]

How do I resolve what isn’t happening (now)?

 

How do I notice a thought is indeed, a thought (now)?

[Kevin]

7 hours ago, Reena said:

@Kevin maybe you can try for the sake of your own good to focus more on your own reactions rather than what they did unfairly. Maybe think of that "unfair treatment" as some sort of a wounded branch attached to your body. Now take this wounded branch, cut it at its source and throw it in the dumpster. 

Now it's removed. You're free of it. 

Does this mental exercise help? 

We can't control a lot of what happens to us although there's furious ambition to get what we want.

Yet on the flip side, maybe focusing on the self might bring some peace and dissolve some discord. If any consolation can be found in the middle of discord. 

 

 

Yes this actually makes a lot of sense. I can’t change others so it makes sense that continuing to focus on the behavior of others would be painful and counterproductive. A lot can be learned from looking at my own reactions.

[Kevin]

16 hours ago, Devin said:

Possibly male conditioning. Men are taught they're responsible for what happens to them, 'you're just not man enough', 'you should have spoke up',.... it's bullshit, like shame rape victims have, social conditioning.

 

'Moving past anger and rage', does it affect you enough to be a concern? If so, look at why they are how they are, they've been hurt, and even deeper; suffering gives life flavor.

No it doesn’t effect me enough to be a concern. The only reason I think it’s a big concern is thoughts about how if I don’t get mad then this kind of thing is going to keep happening to me forever. So more thoughts.

[Kevin]

6 hours ago, Phil said:

@Kevin

Sounds like anger, rage & blame (rather than insecurity). 

When the thought that you want to reconcile comes up, do you also experience discouragement? 

You mean reconcile with the other party?

[Phil]

18 hours ago, Kevin said:

things should not be this way.

No just the thought(s). How each thought feels and why.

[Kevin]

17 minutes ago, Phil said:

No just the thought(s). How each thought feels and why.

I would say yes then. When I think about how I need to reconcile and move past this type of thinking I experience discouragement. And pessimism as well actually. Thoughts about what if I can’t stop feeling this way come up.

[Kevin]

5 hours ago, Joseph Maynor said:

Regarding getting ticked off with how others treat you in words or actions: I would say the #1 strategy is to have an internal source of happiness.  #2 is to give people the freedom to be however they are.  #3 is to identify people who are harmful to you and to put boundaries in place either limiting exposure to them or cutting them out of your awareness field.  And then #4 is to have an internal sense of sovereignty where what others say or think doesn't penetrate past your firewall.  Look, your feelings are probably legitimate, the problem is you can't control other people.  What you can control is where your happiness and sense of sovereignty come from.  If you have a sense of sovereignty, you're much less likely to feel like a victim.  What you're gonna feel like is these people are not suitable for me to relate with.  And then you take defensive actions to protect your happiness from being wiped out due to the words and actions of other people.  It's like you're free to be, but so am I, and I'm free to decide who I let into my awareness field, for how long, and under what circumstances as well.

Very true. These peoples behavior only bothers me because I’m already feeling sad and I guess part of me expects to feel better if I get what I want from these people. But yeah having an internal source of happiness and allowing others to be themselves is the way.

[Phil]

21 minutes ago, Kevin said:

I would say yes then. When I think about how I need to reconcile and move past this type of thinking I experience discouragement. And pessimism as well actually. Thoughts about what if I can’t stop feeling this way come up.

Sounds like worry. When is the worry felt? 

[Kevin]

4 hours ago, Phil said:

Sounds like worry. When is the worry felt? 

Worry is felt now. But right now I’m not experiencing intense worry

[Phil]

@Kevin

Some doubt as well maybe? 

[Phil]

There’s also the Mental & Emotional Equanimity section of Meditation…

https://www.actualityofbeing.com/meditations

 

And Byron Katie’s ‘turnaround’ method…

 

[Kevin]

16 hours ago, Phil said:

@Kevin

Some doubt as well maybe? 

Yes doubt as well when I think what if people never change 

[Phil]

@Kevin

And therein disappointment is felt. Yeah?