How to reconcile a specific thought.

[Kevin]

Yes I feel disappointment for pretty much the same thing. That I’m still not feeling as I want to be feeling.

[solereproduction]

On 11/24/2023 at 8:43 PM, Kevin said:

They shouldn’t have treated me that way. Or they should have treated me better.

 

When I think these thoughts I feel anger and rage and insecurity. Anger and rage obviously because I perceive some wrongdoing. Or that I have been treated unfairly. The insecurity because of another thought that says it’s my fault that I was treated this way.

 

Is it as simple as I was treated that way? What am I missing here? How do I move past this?

 

when I think it is what it is, I experience a lot of resistance to that idea. Like things should not be this way.

First understand a thought is recited thinking already happened at least once.  Having conversations about past and current events planning a different outcome next is thinking as a unique brain navigating time adapting as displaced in plain sight comparing previous experiences against evolving forward never same total sum evolved so far since arriving as a replacement of your own ancestral lineage.

 

The core of time adapting as occupying space specifically you conceived to replace your previous generation gaps same as any other reproduction native to this atmosphere.

 

Humanity teaches now isn't eternity and genetics only eternally separates the reproductions adapting as occupying time here now.  I will leave you to your own choices that keep you in role playing cradle to grave obeying social consensus as all anyone can know about here adapting equally timed apart in your own skin.

[Phil]

15 hours ago, Kevin said:

That I’m still not feeling as I want to be feeling.

Overwhelment? 

[Kevin]

6 hours ago, solereproduction said:

First understand a thought is recited thinking already happened at least once.  Having conversations about past and current events planning a different outcome next is thinking as a unique brain navigating time adapting as displaced in plain sight comparing previous experiences against evolving forward never same total sum evolved so far since arriving as a replacement of your own ancestral lineage.

 

The core of time adapting as occupying space specifically you conceived to replace your previous generation gaps same as any other reproduction native to this atmosphere.

 

Humanity teaches now isn't eternity and genetics only eternally separates the reproductions adapting as occupying time here now.  I will leave you to your own choices that keep you in role playing cradle to grave obeying social consensus as all anyone can know about here adapting equally timed apart in your own skin.

Man I’m gonna be honest this made no sense. You are a complete mystery to me. I don’t know why you write the way you do but it is impossible to understand.

[solereproduction]

17 minutes ago, Kevin said:

Man I’m gonna be honest this made no sense. You are a complete mystery to me. I don’t know why you write the way you do but it is impossible to understand.

2 ways to navigate living in your own skin,

 

1. Instinctively adapting to space only timed apart now in series parallel genetic proportions alive since ancestrally displaced.

2. Join an ideology suggesting genetics is too complicated to comprehend eternal separation by compounding chromosomes changing forms shaped since conceived living as current population never same people twice practicing same ideologies every ancestral generation arriving one at a time.

 

 

 

 

Edited November 27, 2023 by solereproduction
Added a touch of thermodynamics.

[Kevin]

3 hours ago, Phil said:

Overwhelment? 

Yeah for sure. Although the original reason I created this thread is no longer causing me distress. Currently I felt overwhelment because I was getting off of the plane and I had to shit bad. But people were moving super slow which was pissing me off. And so as I was speeding through the airport I was getting all sorts of judgemental thoughts about people. Like when we were getting off the plane, some fat person was blocking the way so in my head I was thinking get out of the way you fat piece of shit. But I felt the emotion and that is not a positive or aligned way of thinking.

[Phil]

4 minutes ago, Kevin said:

Yeah for sure. Although the original reason I created this thread is no longer causing me distress

Great to hear, and it might be (How to reconcile a specific thought) from having acknowledged the underlying emotions. 

Yet in a hindsight manor it’s still believed a reason, rather than an interpretation, was the “cause” (there is no cause of suffering) of distress. 

 

4 minutes ago, Kevin said:

But people were moving super slow which was pissing me off. And so as I was speeding through the airport I was getting all sorts of judgemental thoughts about people. Like when we were getting off the plane, some fat person was blocking the way so in my head I was thinking get out of the way you fat piece of shit. But I felt the emotion and that is not a positive or aligned way of thinking.

It might be the inner playing out as the outer. Like a screen and movie. Maybe some interpretations feel shitty, because they’re essential full of shit. Maybe there are no fat pieces of shit (in this way) and one is looking to ‘get out of one’s own way’ and also, release. 

[Kevin]

3 hours ago, Phil said:

Great to hear, and it might be (How to reconcile a specific thought) from having acknowledged the underlying emotions. 

Yet in a hindsight manor it’s still believed a reason, rather than an interpretation, was the “cause” (there is no cause of suffering) of distress. 

 

It might be the inner playing out as the outer. Like a screen and movie. Maybe some interpretations feel shitty, because they’re essential full of shit. Maybe there are no fat pieces of shit (in this way) and one is looking to ‘get out of one’s own way’ and also, release. 

Yeah more projection. I’m the king of projection and blame.

Another update is I just got back to reno from visiting family and so far the most prominent emotion felt is boredom. I also had some cravings for crack but they have been the mildest cravings so far. Also I’m back to making music so things are looking up. Although it has only been 2 weeks so I need to give it more time.

[Phil]

2 hours ago, Kevin said:

I’m the king of projection and blame.

You aren’t though. If you were it’d feel great. 🤍 

Might be a hint of pessimism in there. 

[Kevin]

5 hours ago, Phil said:

You aren’t though. If you were it’d feel great. 🤍 

Might be a hint of pessimism in there. 

Yeah thoughts around I’ve projected so much in the past and then thoughts come up like I’ll probably keep projecting in the future so I feel pessimism 

[solereproduction]

4 hours ago, Kevin said:

Yeah thoughts around I’ve projected so much in the past and then thoughts come up like I’ll probably keep projecting in the future so I feel pessimism 

Projecting ideas of anything is possible isn't reflecting on what never was probable.

 

So yes pessimism induced instinctively from your brain in conflict with existing in plain sight and what you mind believing life isn't self evident.  Every ancestor has this conflict internally.  It is socially driven ancestrally in each intellectual reality to preserve humanity's social consensus until extinction arrives.

Edited November 28, 2023 by solereproduction

[Phil]

7 hours ago, Kevin said:

Yeah thoughts around I’ve projected so much in the past and then thoughts come up like I’ll probably keep projecting in the future so I feel pessimism 

Spot on. 

 

To what extent do you see this is emptying of conditioning happening?

Not at all, a little, or ‘I’m completely aware this is conditioning emptying out’.

[Kevin]

2 hours ago, Phil said:

Spot on. 

 

To what extent do you see this is emptying of conditioning happening?

Not at all, a little, or ‘I’m completely aware this is conditioning emptying out’.

I’d say a little. When I microdose I become completely aware of it emptying out.

And then I notice in the mornings it’s like I’m getting set back. It’s like sleeping removes a bunch of positive momentum.

 

 

Also when I was in Portland my friend had some mdma so I did one point of that. I’ve never had an issue with mdma. I don’t find it addicting at all. And when it hit me I realized that it’s not totally enjoyable anymore. I also realized In sober life I'm not quite bursting with joy enough to completely give up all substances. But mdma doesn’t do it for me anymore like it used to. Also I tried weed for the first time in like 6 months and I realized that while it wasn’t a terrible experience, no part of me enjoyed it.

 

I think this is part of emptying out. Before emptying out started, all sorts of drugs were enjoyable. I assume the more I empty out the more sober I’ll want to be.

Edited November 28, 2023 by Kevin
Adding second paragraph

[Phil]

@Kevin

What about the emptying of the story of a self (in time), is that ‘seen’ as conditioning emptying, or is it regarded as true, and then maybe something in need of a solution?

[Kevin]

1 hour ago, Phil said:

@Kevin

What about the emptying of the story of a self (in time), is that ‘seen’ as conditioning emptying, or is it regarded as true, and then maybe something in need of a solution?

Yes that is mostly seen as conditioning emptying. I wish it would go faster though

[Phil]

37 minutes ago, Kevin said:

Yes that is mostly seen as conditioning emptying. I wish it would go faster though

Why? What about now or this moment doesn’t seem quite ample or needs to change to be better?

[Kevin]

15 minutes ago, Phil said:

Why? What about now or this moment doesn’t seem quite ample or needs to change to be better?

Nothing. I guess I saw it as a problem. As a barrier to happiness so if it goes faster then I can be happier faster. It’s a trap though.

[Phil]

@Kevin

Nice. 

Is there any reason found, anything at all come to mind as to how now must be different or changed for contentment to be felt (presently)? 

[Kevin]

4 hours ago, Phil said:

@Kevin

Nice. 

Is there any reason found, anything at all come to mind as to how now must be different or changed for contentment to be felt (presently)? 

It’s always the same thing. I think I need more friends or a girlfriend. Emotion is telling me I don’t need that to be happy. Emotion is telling me that I’m putting the cart before the horse when I’m hinging my happiness on having more companionship in my life. In fact, it seems like putting that kind of pressure on connecting with people is very counterproductive. It makes it harder. From that perspective it’s not about sharing good times with others. It’s about me trying to get my “needs” met.

 

I’m so used to thinking that I need that person to like me or I need that relationship. And I’m so used to interpreting the negative feeling in a specific way. Mainly that I feel bad because I don’t have that relationship and if I did then I would be happy.

 

Maybe the message is I don’t need anything to be happy. 

[Phil]

@Kevin

Not happiness - contentment. 

 

I acknowledge the thought(s) arising, the desire for more friends, a girlfriend and happiness. 

 

But first, contentment. 

Is this moment enough as it is? 

Is this moment, as it is, lacking, in shortage, not enough, un-whole in some way… without what thought implies is needed or wanted to be added?