I feel lost

[CoolMonkey]

I don't know where to put this, sorry if this is the wrong place.

 

I'm sorta lying when I say that I feel lost, because I'm pretty certain about feeling lost, so maybe I'm not quiet as lost as I think I am, but I'm extremely frustrated with the state of my mind, which like to just spin in circles, going round and round, doing it's little dance. It appears so out of control. So self-destructive. And I don't know why that part of me wants to destroy me. I don't know why it hates me so much. Maybe I hate it? Maybe there is not difference. I don't know which part of me is the one hating and which one is the one feeling hated. I feel like I've been shattered into pieces and I can't seem to comprehend any end to all of this chaos and misery. It's so scary to think about that. I could spend an eternity in this hell for what I know.

 

Not knowing how long I'll have to keep fighting for and whether I have the stamina to go all the way or not is the worst part about this.

 

I can't cope with this. Well I can, but my coping strategies solely rely on distracting myself from myself and waiting on death to finally come. I don't want to commit to life, I don't want to commit to death. All I have is this void in between and it's slowly eating me up bit by bit. Non of these options feel good.

 

The scariest thing is... when I really try to sit with my feelings and ask myself what I really want, my mind always gravitates towards death. There is this voice deep inside of me that wants me to quit this non-sense I call life. It wants me to put down all the burdens of life and find peace in death. So I try to ignore it with weed and YouTube and other stuff. My fear is that if I started to feel more deeply, I wouldn't be able to run from that voice anymore.

 

The last time I tried to feel I started crying for 2 hours straight. I was continuously switching between crying and laughing. It was madness. I had to commit myself into the local depression clinic because I worried that I was going to kill myself. It wore off after 3 days after which I went back home, but it was still a scary experience. That was the first time I've felt like this in years.

 

The trigger was...

a)... that I was feeling unloved. I'm not particularly successful with women and whenever I try to get to know a women more deeply something goes wrong and I end up getting re-traumatized because of lingering trauma from my mother and other women in my life.

b)... that I was trying to quit weed at that time, which I've been using more or less weekly (currently it's daily), since a suicide attempt of mine in 2016.

It helped me cope with my feelings, but this coping strategy is slowly coming to an end and I'm starting to notice the limits of my weed use. But whenever I actually try to quit my emotions go haywire. When I smoke weed, I feel depressed, but not suicidal. But feeling depressed makes it more difficult to meet women. Here is a fun fact for you: I've been approached by women 3 times in my life, all 3 of those times were in the past 2 years whenever I was trying to quit weed. It's almost like the universe is giving me a hint, but my mental illness makes it difficult to deal with that reality.

 

You're probably thinking that I should go and get some therapy and you're definitely right on that, I agree and I am on a waiting list for long-term therapy, however I'm on that list for another TWO YEARS before I even get the chance to see a therapist.

 

I just don't know how to deal with this all on my own. I've cut off most of my friends at this point because I didn't resonate with them anymore emotionally and my family doesn't have a great capacity for emotional availability either. I didn't have a single girl friend in my life (25), because I have such sever self-hatred and emotional problems that I haven't been able to let a single women close to me. The only times where I met a women that I felt safe around I somehow ended up blowing it. It makes me feel hatred for myself. Being loved makes me feel hatred for myself, because I'm a manipulative and narcissistic piece of trash and I can't seem to stop it and I just end up hurting everyone I love. The reason I'm upset isn't because I've hurt them, but because I'm alone out of my own doing. See what I mean. All I can think about is what I get out of things and people. I'm very needy and I don't have a lot of love to give. I need a lot of love to heal. I don't know how I could come up with a love strong enough to heal me at this point.

 

This is what brings me back to the option of death. Immediately when I wrote this sentence out, the first thought that came to my mind was, that the most loving thing to do is to bring it all to an end. I don't want to listen to this voice, but it makes such good points. I can't blame this part of me for wanting all of this to be over. I can't blame it. But I don't know how to open my heart to this part of me either. This shadow. This darkness. It feels impossible. I'm afraid of what it will do to me...

 

I'm sorry for the dump, but I felt like I needed a place to get these things out.

 

Don't be too worried about me either! I'm not going to do anything to myself in the foreseeable future.  This post is the most extreme end of my negative thoughts. I tried to be as honest about these extremes as possible, because I felt like I needed someone to know. There is positivity and love in my life, it's just not enough to heal all of these wounds that I carry with me. So I thought I'd let the wounded part of me speak as honestly as it could and let it depict the image of my life for you. This is not the entire story of my life. Thanks.

[Mandy]

16 hours ago, CoolMonkey said:

There is positivity and love in my life, it's just not enough to heal all of these wounds that I carry with me. So I thought I'd let the wounded part of me speak as honestly as it could and let it depict the image of my life for you. This is not the entire story of my life. Thanks.

I'd challenge you to write the next chapter about where you want to go, and put even more feeling and detail into it. All we really can be aware of is where we are going. You don't run races or forge new paths with your head craned around looking behind you. You're a blank slate. You're forgiven, guiltless, untainted, perfection in motion. Start creating there and know that's "home" like a snail shell with you wherever you go, whatever you do. Sometimes looking back to express and see synchronicity can be really healing in letting it go, but don't dig in any more than to scratch the surface, there's nothing underneath the surface, by that I mean there's nothing to it but the one thought occurring now. Be willing to let go of perspectives and thoughts that don't serve you. Know what you want, know where you're going, and that becomes much easier, it gains momentum as it goes. 

 

❤️

 

 

[Phil]

@CoolMonkey

Welcome!

 

Sorry to hear what a rough go it’s been. Bringing an end to that fight, having a quite, calm peaceful mind, realizing and fully feeling your wholeness, filling that void so to speak, equanimity instead of extremes, having an entirely different sentiment and outlook on life, and feeling a love so great coping doesn’t even cross your mind are all entirely realistically possible. 

[Orb]

@CoolMonkey what do you really want? 

 

you said death right? 

 

but its not really death that you want, you think you want death because you think if you die youll be free from suffering. 

 

what it seems like you really want is to be free from suffering. Right?

[CoolMonkey]

Thanks for taking your time to answer.

 

8 hours ago, Mandy said:

Be willing to let go of perspectives and thoughts that don't serve you.

 

How do you do that? I feel very attached to my suffering. Letting go almost feels like a form of betrayal. Interestingly enough there appears to be a sense of certainty and security in the suffering. A sense of belonging almost.

 

8 hours ago, Phil said:

Bringing an end to that fight, having a quite, calm peaceful mind, realizing and fully feeling your wholeness, filling that void so to speak, equanimity instead of extremes, having an entirely different sentiment and outlook on life, and feeling a love so great coping doesn’t even cross your mind are all entirely realistically possible.

 

Would you say that there is any value in exploring these extremes, as in exploring their limitations, or is it just a wild goose chase? Furthermore, how does one step out of these extremes back into equanimity? These feelings seem so chaotic and unpredictable, It makes it difficult for me to maintain focus. I've tried, I've seriously tried, but I seem to be slipping in and out of this state no matter what I throw at the wall. The longer I wait the further I seem to be falling behind in life, which makes it so frustrating when you lack the therapeutic tools to cope with all of this on your own. I fear that my life will already be in shambles by the time I can create some significant change.

 

So this post serves as both, a snapshot of feelings regarding the past and present, such as fears for the future.

 

7 hours ago, Orb said:

what it seems like you really want is to be free from suffering. Right?

 

You're right. I just want to drop the burdens of life off of my back and finally get some rest. I've tried meditation in the past, I went quiet deep into it for about 2 years, but it eventually got so deep that I would have uncontrollable awakening experiences wherever I went. It was on the one hand some of the most beautiful, but also the scariest time of my life, as I felt like I was literally falling apart, no matter whether I was alone or in public. I've abandoned meditation since for the sake of keeping some solidity in tact. I've deepened the relationship I have with my being since then, I intuit that meditation would take me deeper than ever before, but that's exactly what I worry about at the same time.

Edited August 24, 2023 by CoolMonkey

[Orb]

@CoolMonkey I understand. 

 

You have to be ready to jump into the ocean. 

 

This shit is no joke, and at the same time it kinda is...

 

Also, do you have a job? Money coming in? Roof over your head?

 

Because I read your OP and im getting the impression that youre overlooking just how Okay your life is. And probably that 90% of all the suffering is just because of the added thought stories about you being a piece of shit. which isn't true. 

 

I can relate, I used to make long stories like those, it doesn't change or help the situation though. Although the venting is a bit of a release so yea. 

 

When youre ready to let go you will let go, in fact you won't even do it, something beyond "you" will take the wheel and do it. The universe will literally awaken from within and inquire into itself, the intention will arise, and the universe will yearn to feel its own source. 

Edited August 24, 2023 by Orb

[Mandy]

1 hour ago, CoolMonkey said:

How do you do that? I feel very attached to my suffering. Letting go almost feels like a form of betrayal. Interestingly enough there appears to be a sense of certainty and security in the suffering. A sense of belonging almost.

Is it a form of betrayal to throw up if you ate something bad and got food poisoning? Would you demand that that food still nourish you?  Clear your system of what's not serving you. You do this by putting how you feel above what you think and believe, and you don't eat metaphorically raw chicken all the time anymore. You've already betrayed yourself if you're willing to suffer to hold onto an idea of yourself. Are there two of you, one that suffers, and one that is the idea that perpetuates suffering? 

[Phil]

1 hour ago, CoolMonkey said:

Would you say that there is any value in exploring these extremes, as in exploring their limitations, or is it just a wild goose chase?

Value & extremes are just concepts. Conceptualizing is the wild goose chase. Fool’s gold. 

 

You’re wanting to suffer less & feel whole, feel great, feel as yourself - but you’re looking for feeling in concepts.

To find what you want you have to be looking where it actually is. 

 

There is life without suffering and this is not only possible for you, it is mysteriously already the case. You are peace, aware of thoughts, and the suffering is of the thoughts. It’s how some thoughts feel.  Not you.  You are not in a position of betraying suffering, you have already been deeply betrayed about the truth of suffering and the truth of liberation - the truth of yourself. 

 

1 hour ago, CoolMonkey said:

Furthermore, how does one step out of these extremes back into equanimity?

First acknowledge you’re not in extremes, and that this is not a matter of semantics. Don’t allow yourself to ‘write it off’. It’s a matter of interpretation, and some interpretations feel aligned (joy) & some feel discordant (suffering).

 

You’re directly experiencing emotions while believing in concepts like extremes. Admit to yourself what you’ve been doing - how you’ve been going about this, the interpretations you’re currently experiencing - that this is not working. There is no sense in continuing to do what is not working. There is also no sense in faulting yourself for it. Above all, you are innocence. 

 

Be open minded. The way of liberation will seem foreign at first and for a while because the ‘cup’, your mind, must be emptied of what has not worked but still lingers. Be very patient with yourself, and as loving as you can be. Be patient with others, and as loving as you can be. 

 

You are not in thoughts. You are aliveness, awareness, aware of & experiencing thoughts. You are prior to thoughts. 

You are not a finite thing. Your true identity is not that of this person. You are the creator of this universe. 

Therein lies the suffering, and the liberation. The falsity of beliefs, and the truth. 

 

Acknowledging emotions and no longer conceptualizing, bypassing or averting away from feeling is paramount & fundamental. It’s not an achievement. It’s something fundamental which has been overlooked your entire life. Think Harry Potter living under the staircase with the dumbass muggles. That’s you right now my man. Really highlight that this situation is not your fault, and in truth you are a God damn wizard. An ACTUAL infinite fucking WIZARD. 

 

A calm, peaceful, creative & joyful mind is the natural result of allowing emotions which are already being experienced to be acknowledged. There’s no effort involved. It’s not work. It’s natural. Think unwrapping Christmas presents and actually finding out your Santa Clause. It’s as joyful and as fun of an endeavor as you are willing to allow it to be.

 

Isn’t that what you want?

FUN, yeah?

Feeling like a kid again, yes?

Kinda super obvious isn’t it? 

 

1 hour ago, CoolMonkey said:

These feelings seem so chaotic and unpredictable, It makes it difficult for me to maintain focus.

‘These feelings’, chaotic and unpredictable are concepts. Don’t settle for concepts anymore. If feeling (great) is wanted, go directly to what’s wanted. Feel & acknowledge the emotions you are already experiencing, whenever they come up. 

 

Focus is no more something you’re doing than the sun shining. It’s exactly the same as saying ‘it’s difficult for me to shine the sun’. It’s not difficult, nor is it something you’re doing ‘right’ or ‘well’ or’ wrong’ or ‘poorly’ - it’s simply not something you’re doing. Focus is simply not a doing.

 

You learned that and it is a belief and it is a weight to carry and it implies something is wrong with you or that it’s your fault somehow.

It’s not. It is not your fault and nothing is wrong with you. 

 

It’s believed to be the case because society apparently like’s to fuck itself over with horseshit conceptual explanations, made up diagnosis and extremely profitable prescriptions & programs whenever someone experiences an emotion. Focus is perfect and natural, and the way to see this for yourself and never experience any difficulty with focus is to unfetter it. To uncover it. To inspect & un-obscure it.

 

Focus seems difficult only because the mind is ruminating… trying to find feeling in thoughts & concepts. It’s like driving while looking through 20 pairs of windshield wipers flappin all over the damn windshield. Doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with the windshield or that there’s any difficulty in seeing through the windshield. It’s the nonstop wipers that you could do without. Many of which are conceptualizations of the very feeling sought. On behalf of the ignorant greedy selfish fucktards of our society I sincerely apologize for the misunderstanding. 

 

1 hour ago, CoolMonkey said:

I've tried, I've seriously tried, but I seem to be slipping in and out of this state no matter what I throw at the wall.

I bet. I hear ya and that really sucks. Majorly sucks. But it doesn’t matter what you throw at the wall. You could throw the Holy Grail and real pixie dust at the wall, but if you’re still believing in states you’re still believing you’re in and out of something, and this is simply not true. This will take a while to click as well, but you’re not in or out of shit brother, this whole universe is within you. You are bigger, stronger, and more amazing, capable, gifted and passionate than you have yet considered. 

 

1 hour ago, CoolMonkey said:

The longer I wait the further I seem to be falling behind in life, which makes it so frustrating when you lack the therapeutic tools to cope with all of this on your own. I fear that my life will already be in shambles by the time I can create some significant change.

When that interpretation arises, that you’re falling behind, frustration is felt. Acknowledge this, even if it takes 10 or 100 times to click, acknowledge this.

 

Emotion is felt.

Frustration is not how you feel.

Frustration is how that interpretation, that thought - feels to you. 

 

Again, be as patient and loving with yourself as you can be, always. I hope you’ve seen the matrix. You know that part where they pull neo out of the matrix and he wakes up in the embryonic fluid pod? That’s you my man. You’re in the matrix of conceptualization and aversion and you do not notice this because you’ve become accustomed. You have never breathed, felt or seen. You’ve adapted to ignore-ance innocently. To be clear, I’m talking about pulling you out of the matrix that you don’t even yet see and it’s not going to be nice & easy and all clean like that pod scene. You’re going to actually feel & see for the first time and a lot shit is going to come up and be emptied out of that body and you’re going to cry, a lot, and you’re going to apologize within yourself for every shithead thing you’ve done, and you’re going to forgive every shithead thing that’s been done to you. And you are truly going to be free. 

 

1 hour ago, CoolMonkey said:

 

So this post serves as both, a snapshot of feelings regarding the past and present, such as fears for the future.

There’s no such thing as fears for the future. Fear is an emotion and if an emotion is felt, it’s felt now. 

You will soon see this is common sense. If you begin to think about the future you actually want, a future that’s fucking awesome, that’s fun, that’s fulfilling - you’re feeling that interpretation, and emotions which are much more aligned with what you REALLY are, than this fear of a future stuff. 

[Robed Mystic]

On 8/23/2023 at 2:06 PM, CoolMonkey said:

I don't know where to put this, sorry if this is the wrong place.

 

I'm sorta lying when I say that I feel lost, because I'm pretty certain about feeling lost, so maybe I'm not quiet as lost as I think I am, but I'm extremely frustrated with the state of my mind, which like to just spin in circles, going round and round, doing it's little dance. It appears so out of control. So self-destructive. And I don't know why that part of me wants to destroy me. I don't know why it hates me so much. Maybe I hate it? Maybe there is not difference. I don't know which part of me is the one hating and which one is the one feeling hated. I feel like I've been shattered into pieces and I can't seem to comprehend any end to all of this chaos and misery. It's so scary to think about that. I could spend an eternity in this hell for what I know.

 

Not knowing how long I'll have to keep fighting for and whether I have the stamina to go all the way or not is the worst part about this.

 

I can't cope with this. Well I can, but my coping strategies solely rely on distracting myself from myself and waiting on death to finally come. I don't want to commit to life, I don't want to commit to death. All I have is this void in between and it's slowly eating me up bit by bit. Non of these options feel good.

 

The scariest thing is... when I really try to sit with my feelings and ask myself what I really want, my mind always gravitates towards death. There is this voice deep inside of me that wants me to quit this non-sense I call life. It wants me to put down all the burdens of life and find peace in death. So I try to ignore it with weed and YouTube and other stuff. My fear is that if I started to feel more deeply, I wouldn't be able to run from that voice anymore.

 

The last time I tried to feel I started crying for 2 hours straight. I was continuously switching between crying and laughing. It was madness. I had to commit myself into the local depression clinic because I worried that I was going to kill myself. It wore off after 3 days after which I went back home, but it was still a scary experience. That was the first time I've felt like this in years.

 

The trigger was...

a)... that I was feeling unloved. I'm not particularly successful with women and whenever I try to get to know a women more deeply something goes wrong and I end up getting re-traumatized because of lingering trauma from my mother and other women in my life.

b)... that I was trying to quit weed at that time, which I've been using more or less weekly (currently it's daily), since a suicide attempt of mine in 2016.

It helped me cope with my feelings, but this coping strategy is slowly coming to an end and I'm starting to notice the limits of my weed use. But whenever I actually try to quit my emotions go haywire. When I smoke weed, I feel depressed, but not suicidal. But feeling depressed makes it more difficult to meet women. Here is a fun fact for you: I've been approached by women 3 times in my life, all 3 of those times were in the past 2 years whenever I was trying to quit weed. It's almost like the universe is giving me a hint, but my mental illness makes it difficult to deal with that reality.

 

You're probably thinking that I should go and get some therapy and you're definitely right on that, I agree and I am on a waiting list for long-term therapy, however I'm on that list for another TWO YEARS before I even get the chance to see a therapist.

 

I just don't know how to deal with this all on my own. I've cut off most of my friends at this point because I didn't resonate with them anymore emotionally and my family doesn't have a great capacity for emotional availability either. I didn't have a single girl friend in my life (25), because I have such sever self-hatred and emotional problems that I haven't been able to let a single women close to me. The only times where I met a women that I felt safe around I somehow ended up blowing it. It makes me feel hatred for myself. Being loved makes me feel hatred for myself, because I'm a manipulative and narcissistic piece of trash and I can't seem to stop it and I just end up hurting everyone I love. The reason I'm upset isn't because I've hurt them, but because I'm alone out of my own doing. See what I mean. All I can think about is what I get out of things and people. I'm very needy and I don't have a lot of love to give. I need a lot of love to heal. I don't know how I could come up with a love strong enough to heal me at this point.

 

This is what brings me back to the option of death. Immediately when I wrote this sentence out, the first thought that came to my mind was, that the most loving thing to do is to bring it all to an end. I don't want to listen to this voice, but it makes such good points. I can't blame this part of me for wanting all of this to be over. I can't blame it. But I don't know how to open my heart to this part of me either. This shadow. This darkness. It feels impossible. I'm afraid of what it will do to me...

 

I'm sorry for the dump, but I felt like I needed a place to get these things out.

 

Don't be too worried about me either! I'm not going to do anything to myself in the foreseeable future.  This post is the most extreme end of my negative thoughts. I tried to be as honest about these extremes as possible, because I felt like I needed someone to know. There is positivity and love in my life, it's just not enough to heal all of these wounds that I carry with me. So I thought I'd let the wounded part of me speak as honestly as it could and let it depict the image of my life for you. This is not the entire story of my life. Thanks.

You need to breathe.   Be happy to be conscious.   This is a beautiful and magical thing.  You are God in human form.  You are conscious.  Enjoy that. Relish in it.  After that, the rest comes easy.  Find peace within yourself.   Life, death, it's all the same.  When you die in this form you will imagine some other form.  It will go on.  Your mind will continue to dream because that is how it explores.  So explore.  Don't judge yourself or compare yourself to others.   Others are just imaginary within your own mind.  Just - exist.  Because to exist is the miracle.  The problem is we want to label it and put it in little boxes- one more important than the other.  That's your problem. But other boxes are not more essential.   Ofher boxes are you.  Just take in the air and look to the sun.  Realize you are alive and take heart in that. 

Edited August 25, 2023 by Robed Mystic

[Reena]

Have you tried to get therapy? 

[CoolMonkey]

7 hours ago, Phil said:

Value & extremes are just concepts. Conceptualizing is the wild goose chase. Fool’s gold. 

 

You’re wanting to suffer less & feel whole, feel great, feel as yourself - but you’re looking for feeling in concepts.

To find what you want you have to be looking where it actually is. 

 

There is life without suffering and this is not only possible for you, it is mysteriously already the case. You are peace, aware of thoughts, and the suffering is of the thoughts. It’s how some thoughts feel.  Not you.  You are not in a position of betraying suffering, you have already been deeply betrayed about the truth of suffering and the truth of liberation - the truth of yourself. 

 

First acknowledge you’re not in extremes, and that this is not a matter of semantics. Don’t allow yourself to ‘write it off’. It’s a matter of interpretation, and some interpretations feel aligned (joy) & some feel discordant (suffering).

 

You’re directly experiencing emotions while believing in concepts like extremes. Admit to yourself what you’ve been doing - how you’ve been going about this, the interpretations you’re currently experiencing - that this is not working. There is no sense in continuing to do what is not working. There is also no sense in faulting yourself for it. Above all, you are innocence. 

 

Be open minded. The way of liberation will seem foreign at first and for a while because the ‘cup’, your mind, must be emptied of what has not worked but still lingers. Be very patient with yourself, and as loving as you can be. Be patient with others, and as loving as you can be. 

 

You are not in thoughts. You are aliveness, awareness, aware of & experiencing thoughts. You are prior to thoughts. 

You are not a finite thing. Your true identity is not that of this person. You are the creator of this universe. 

Therein lies the suffering, and the liberation. The falsity of beliefs, and the truth. 

 

Acknowledging emotions and no longer conceptualizing, bypassing or averting away from feeling is paramount & fundamental. It’s not an achievement. It’s something fundamental which has been overlooked your entire life. Think Harry Potter living under the staircase with the dumbass muggles. That’s you right now my man. Really highlight that this situation is not your fault, and in truth you are a God damn wizard. An ACTUAL infinite fucking WIZARD. 

 

A calm, peaceful, creative & joyful mind is the natural result of allowing emotions which are already being experienced to be acknowledged. There’s no effort involved. It’s not work. It’s natural. Think unwrapping Christmas presents and actually finding out your Santa Clause. It’s as joyful and as fun of an endeavor as you are willing to allow it to be.

 

Isn’t that what you want?

FUN, yeah?

Feeling like a kid again, yes?

Kinda super obvious isn’t it? 

 

‘These feelings’, chaotic and unpredictable are concepts. Don’t settle for concepts anymore. If feeling (great) is wanted, go directly to what’s wanted. Feel & acknowledge the emotions you are already experiencing, whenever they come up. 

 

Focus is no more something you’re doing than the sun shining. It’s exactly the same as saying ‘it’s difficult for me to shine the sun’. It’s not difficult, nor is it something you’re doing ‘right’ or ‘well’ or’ wrong’ or ‘poorly’ - it’s simply not something you’re doing. Focus is simply not a doing.

 

You learned that and it is a belief and it is a weight to carry and it implies something is wrong with you or that it’s your fault somehow.

It’s not. It is not your fault and nothing is wrong with you. 

 

It’s believed to be the case because society apparently like’s to fuck itself over with horseshit conceptual explanations, made up diagnosis and extremely profitable prescriptions & programs whenever someone experiences an emotion. Focus is perfect and natural, and the way to see this for yourself and never experience any difficulty with focus is to unfetter it. To uncover it. To inspect & un-obscure it.

 

Focus seems difficult only because the mind is ruminating… trying to find feeling in thoughts & concepts. It’s like driving while looking through 20 pairs of windshield wipers flappin all over the damn windshield. Doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with the windshield or that there’s any difficulty in seeing through the windshield. It’s the nonstop wipers that you could do without. Many of which are conceptualizations of the very feeling sought. On behalf of the ignorant greedy selfish fucktards of our society I sincerely apologize for the misunderstanding. 

 

I bet. I hear ya and that really sucks. Majorly sucks. But it doesn’t matter what you throw at the wall. You could throw the Holy Grail and real pixie dust at the wall, but if you’re still believing in states you’re still believing you’re in and out of something, and this is simply not true. This will take a while to click as well, but you’re not in or out of shit brother, this whole universe is within you. You are bigger, stronger, and more amazing, capable, gifted and passionate than you have yet considered. 

 

When that interpretation arises, that you’re falling behind, frustration is felt. Acknowledge this, even if it takes 10 or 100 times to click, acknowledge this.

 

Emotion is felt.

Frustration is not how you feel.

Frustration is how that interpretation, that thought - feels to you. 

 

Again, be as patient and loving with yourself as you can be, always. I hope you’ve seen the matrix. You know that part where they pull neo out of the matrix and he wakes up in the embryonic fluid pod? That’s you my man. You’re in the matrix of conceptualization and aversion and you do not notice this because you’ve become accustomed. You have never breathed, felt or seen. You’ve adapted to ignore-ance innocently. To be clear, I’m talking about pulling you out of the matrix that you don’t even yet see and it’s not going to be nice & easy and all clean like that pod scene. You’re going to actually feel & see for the first time and a lot shit is going to come up and be emptied out of that body and you’re going to cry, a lot, and you’re going to apologize within yourself for every shithead thing you’ve done, and you’re going to forgive every shithead thing that’s been done to you. And you are truly going to be free. 

 

There’s no such thing as fears for the future. Fear is an emotion and if an emotion is felt, it’s felt now. 

You will soon see this is common sense. If you begin to think about the future you actually want, a future that’s fucking awesome, that’s fun, that’s fulfilling - you’re feeling that interpretation, and emotions which are much more aligned with what you REALLY are, than this fear of a future stuff. 

 

Thank you for the comprehensive answer. It's a lot to take in and I will have to sit with it for a while. I will share my contemplation here once I have properly digested it. 👍

 

4 hours ago, Robed Mystic said:

Just take in the air and look to the sun.  Realize you are alive and take heart in that. 

 

There are times where I'm perfectly capable of doing so. Even when there is an episode of suffering, there are sometimes minor 1 - 2 second glimpses of this throughout my days. It's a little frustrating because I seem to be constantly loosing grip of that state, but ironically the only way to get "in" to that state is by letting go of this grip in the first place. I'm not sure why I don't want to let go. In a sense I'm selflessly and lovingly giving space for this suffering to take shape. All my life I've giving myself the space to suffer as much as I wanted to. Maybe even as I needed to. 

 

I've been able to step into this higher level of love before, but life appears so grand and complex that I just keep loosing myself within this appearance. It feels like I'm looking into the mirror, marveling at my own image, but I'm so deeply engaged in my own image that I've started confusing the image with myself. I don't know why it appears this way.

 

4 hours ago, Reena said:

Have you tried to get therapy? 

 

I've been looking for therapy for a few years. I've talked to a couple of therapists, but I resonated with none of them. I did finally find one that I resonate with, but as I've said, I'll have to wait for another two years before I may get a spot (depending on whether he has any free spots by then). I'm also on a waiting list for long-term therapy in a depression clinic. I don't know what that will bring, but I think it's my best shot for now.

[Pluto]

 

[Robed Mystic]

On 8/25/2023 at 2:30 AM, CoolMonkey said:

 

There are times where I'm perfectly capable of doing so. Even when there is an episode of suffering, there are sometimes minor 1 - 2 second glimpses of this throughout my days. It's a little frustrating because I seem to be constantly loosing grip of that state, but ironically the only way to get "in" to that state is by letting go of this grip in the first place. I'm not sure why I don't want to let go. In a sense I'm selflessly and lovingly giving space for this suffering to take shape. All my life I've giving myself the space to suffer as much as I wanted to. Maybe even as I needed to. 

 

 

That's all that matters. You'll be OK.  Love yourself- for that is first.  If you cannot do that nothing else can follow.   But if you CAN do that, everything can follow.