CoolMonkey

Right now is the only moment that the truth can be recognized. That's because this is the only moment. So any thought about enlightenment as some kind of checklist ("Oh I have to go through steps X, Y and Z first, or else I couldn't possibly be enlightened"), is just a thought that is being experienced right now. Enlightenment, at least what the word is trying to point towards, isn't some abstract future achievement, that you get after working really hard. I've been thinking about how we project our own truth out into the world. When we see a person acting unconsciously, that's a projection of what we believe to be true for ourselves. If we believe ourselves to be unconscious, we will look at another person and assume that the same must be true for them. Especially if they engage in activities that we've deemed to be "lacking" in consciousness( like criminal stuff or whatever). On the other hand, we put up unrealistic expectations of what it means to be self-realized. We look at someone who sits in a cave for 10 years and say "Wow, that person must be so enlightened", which is problematic, because you can easily turn that into a game of trying to "prove" your own nature to yourself by performing some kind of miracle. "Well if I am god/if this was a dream, shouldn't I be able to walk on water? I couldn't call myself enlightened if I couldn't walk on water right?". What if instead, everything was an act, performed by itself, for itself? What if everybody was already deeply self-realized, simply playing an act to imply otherwise. So what is being projected, when you project unconsciousness onto other people? It's a belief. Unconsciousness is a belief. "This can't possibly be what enlightenment looks like, right?". There is nothing except for self-realization, being realized by itself, forever. Everything is enlightenment unfolding into itself. This has been recognized. So why then... does it feel like this? Why does it not feel... complete. It feels like something is missing. I am no sure what that feeling is pointing me towards. i just keep going and going, spinning in circles, I feel irritated. It's really difficult to distinguish my being from my thoughts and beliefs. That's probably a consequence of everything being one. I've experienced states of oneness on psychedelics, these states were so profound, magical and mysterious, yet familiar, but... they've also given me expectations of what oneness "feels" like. These expectations don't capture the reality of oneness. Everything is already so intimately interconnected, that it becomes seemingly impossible to make a distinctions between my own being and the thoughts that occur in the apparent human mind. I'm so deeply connected with the idea of separation that it becomes indistinguishable from "actual reality". The problem seems to be so subtle. So... in between the lines. So implicit. I don't know what to do with all of this. I'd appreciate your input.

Thank you for the comprehensive answer. It's a lot to take in and I will have to sit with it for a while. I will share my contemplation here once I have properly digested it. 👍 There are times where I'm perfectly capable of doing so. Even when there is an episode of suffering, there are sometimes minor 1 - 2 second glimpses of this throughout my days. It's a little frustrating because I seem to be constantly loosing grip of that state, but ironically the only way to get "in" to that state is by letting go of this grip in the first place. I'm not sure why I don't want to let go. In a sense I'm selflessly and lovingly giving space for this suffering to take shape. All my life I've giving myself the space to suffer as much as I wanted to. Maybe even as I needed to. I've been able to step into this higher level of love before, but life appears so grand and complex that I just keep loosing myself within this appearance. It feels like I'm looking into the mirror, marveling at my own image, but I'm so deeply engaged in my own image that I've started confusing the image with myself. I don't know why it appears this way. I've been looking for therapy for a few years. I've talked to a couple of therapists, but I resonated with none of them. I did finally find one that I resonate with, but as I've said, I'll have to wait for another two years before I may get a spot (depending on whether he has any free spots by then). I'm also on a waiting list for long-term therapy in a depression clinic. I don't know what that will bring, but I think it's my best shot for now.

Thanks for taking your time to answer. How do you do that? I feel very attached to my suffering. Letting go almost feels like a form of betrayal. Interestingly enough there appears to be a sense of certainty and security in the suffering. A sense of belonging almost. Would you say that there is any value in exploring these extremes, as in exploring their limitations, or is it just a wild goose chase? Furthermore, how does one step out of these extremes back into equanimity? These feelings seem so chaotic and unpredictable, It makes it difficult for me to maintain focus. I've tried, I've seriously tried, but I seem to be slipping in and out of this state no matter what I throw at the wall. The longer I wait the further I seem to be falling behind in life, which makes it so frustrating when you lack the therapeutic tools to cope with all of this on your own. I fear that my life will already be in shambles by the time I can create some significant change. So this post serves as both, a snapshot of feelings regarding the past and present, such as fears for the future. You're right. I just want to drop the burdens of life off of my back and finally get some rest. I've tried meditation in the past, I went quiet deep into it for about 2 years, but it eventually got so deep that I would have uncontrollable awakening experiences wherever I went. It was on the one hand some of the most beautiful, but also the scariest time of my life, as I felt like I was literally falling apart, no matter whether I was alone or in public. I've abandoned meditation since for the sake of keeping some solidity in tact. I've deepened the relationship I have with my being since then, I intuit that meditation would take me deeper than ever before, but that's exactly what I worry about at the same time.

I don't know where to put this, sorry if this is the wrong place. I'm sorta lying when I say that I feel lost, because I'm pretty certain about feeling lost, so maybe I'm not quiet as lost as I think I am, but I'm extremely frustrated with the state of my mind, which like to just spin in circles, going round and round, doing it's little dance. It appears so out of control. So self-destructive. And I don't know why that part of me wants to destroy me. I don't know why it hates me so much. Maybe I hate it? Maybe there is not difference. I don't know which part of me is the one hating and which one is the one feeling hated. I feel like I've been shattered into pieces and I can't seem to comprehend any end to all of this chaos and misery. It's so scary to think about that. I could spend an eternity in this hell for what I know. Not knowing how long I'll have to keep fighting for and whether I have the stamina to go all the way or not is the worst part about this. I can't cope with this. Well I can, but my coping strategies solely rely on distracting myself from myself and waiting on death to finally come. I don't want to commit to life, I don't want to commit to death. All I have is this void in between and it's slowly eating me up bit by bit. Non of these options feel good. The scariest thing is... when I really try to sit with my feelings and ask myself what I really want, my mind always gravitates towards death. There is this voice deep inside of me that wants me to quit this non-sense I call life. It wants me to put down all the burdens of life and find peace in death. So I try to ignore it with weed and YouTube and other stuff. My fear is that if I started to feel more deeply, I wouldn't be able to run from that voice anymore. The last time I tried to feel I started crying for 2 hours straight. I was continuously switching between crying and laughing. It was madness. I had to commit myself into the local depression clinic because I worried that I was going to kill myself. It wore off after 3 days after which I went back home, but it was still a scary experience. That was the first time I've felt like this in years. The trigger was... a)... that I was feeling unloved. I'm not particularly successful with women and whenever I try to get to know a women more deeply something goes wrong and I end up getting re-traumatized because of lingering trauma from my mother and other women in my life. b)... that I was trying to quit weed at that time, which I've been using more or less weekly (currently it's daily), since a suicide attempt of mine in 2016. It helped me cope with my feelings, but this coping strategy is slowly coming to an end and I'm starting to notice the limits of my weed use. But whenever I actually try to quit my emotions go haywire. When I smoke weed, I feel depressed, but not suicidal. But feeling depressed makes it more difficult to meet women. Here is a fun fact for you: I've been approached by women 3 times in my life, all 3 of those times were in the past 2 years whenever I was trying to quit weed. It's almost like the universe is giving me a hint, but my mental illness makes it difficult to deal with that reality. You're probably thinking that I should go and get some therapy and you're definitely right on that, I agree and I am on a waiting list for long-term therapy, however I'm on that list for another TWO YEARS before I even get the chance to see a therapist. I just don't know how to deal with this all on my own. I've cut off most of my friends at this point because I didn't resonate with them anymore emotionally and my family doesn't have a great capacity for emotional availability either. I didn't have a single girl friend in my life (25), because I have such sever self-hatred and emotional problems that I haven't been able to let a single women close to me. The only times where I met a women that I felt safe around I somehow ended up blowing it. It makes me feel hatred for myself. Being loved makes me feel hatred for myself, because I'm a manipulative and narcissistic piece of trash and I can't seem to stop it and I just end up hurting everyone I love. The reason I'm upset isn't because I've hurt them, but because I'm alone out of my own doing. See what I mean. All I can think about is what I get out of things and people. I'm very needy and I don't have a lot of love to give. I need a lot of love to heal. I don't know how I could come up with a love strong enough to heal me at this point. This is what brings me back to the option of death. Immediately when I wrote this sentence out, the first thought that came to my mind was, that the most loving thing to do is to bring it all to an end. I don't want to listen to this voice, but it makes such good points. I can't blame this part of me for wanting all of this to be over. I can't blame it. But I don't know how to open my heart to this part of me either. This shadow. This darkness. It feels impossible. I'm afraid of what it will do to me... I'm sorry for the dump, but I felt like I needed a place to get these things out. Don't be too worried about me either! I'm not going to do anything to myself in the foreseeable future. This post is the most extreme end of my negative thoughts. I tried to be as honest about these extremes as possible, because I felt like I needed someone to know. There is positivity and love in my life, it's just not enough to heal all of these wounds that I carry with me. So I thought I'd let the wounded part of me speak as honestly as it could and let it depict the image of my life for you. This is not the entire story of my life. Thanks.

I told it to generate a story about a boy that is playing tag with nobody and this is what it came up with! Feel free to share poetic AI generated stories like these if you have any!