ivankiss

It is, yes. But it's abuse nevertheless. Perhaps a more mild form of it, but still. Family can be vicious. It might hurt even more, precisely because it is family, and not a stranger. There are times when accepting that you are indeed a victim and are being abused is what's the right thing to do. It might be the very first step out of a 'victim mindset'.

@Mandy @Phil Sorry guys, its not my thread, but I think you're both being ridiculous here. I guess you triggered me. There are innocent Ukrainian women and children being raped and killed by Russian soldiers - for example - and you're saying that they should be more unconditionally loving and accepting towards their perpetrators? That's just not how things work in the heat of the moment. It might work from the comfort of your couch, but not when you are facing stuff like that head on. Talk about spiritual bypassing. What you are doing here is actually borderline bullying too. It's a form of abuse. Far from being compassionate, loving or helpful - imo. When abuse shows up, find safety first. There will be plenty of time for spiritual mumbo jumbo later. 'How easy it is to deny the pain of someone else's suffering'

@Someone here Careful, I'm not exactly saying to be a complete asshole towards him. I'm saying to raise your voice when needed and let him know when he stepped over the line. Don't turn into a bully yourself. Simply make it clear where your boundaries are when you are being attacked.

@Phil Only one thought, only now, focus on what you want to see. Got it 😄

Well yeah, that's just what being trapped in a codependent relationship is like. You cannot truly speak your mind or heart, because you depend on him. Emotionally, financially, or however else. It does not matter. As long as you need something from him, or fear his response, you won't be able to fully claim your power and be yourself around him. That's how I experienced things at least, and many, many others report the same thing. It's a nasty pattern that keeps repeating itself, until you break free. I told my abuser many times to F off. Sometimes it made things worse, but mainly it just made it really clear to them that I will not take their shit anymore. Ideally, you'd just walk away in silence. But you cannot really do that just yet, can you? You must stand your ground and fight not to be completely stripped of your dignity. I waited for too long, and trust me, healing from complete and utter humiliation is anything but easy, even once you've made it out. Because you are the one that has more self awareness, emotional maturity, etc. You are the one that sees the bullshit. Not him. And that's also why you suffer more, in a sense. You are aware of both his and your pain. It's too much to bare. In situations like this, distancing yourself and giving him and you the opportunity to heal is the most loving thing you can do. You cannot love the fire away while you're burning in it. You can learn to accept and love once you are out and are not being abused anymore.

Ime, people like this do not hear kind and soft words. Or very rarely. Raising your voice and telling him to F off can often be more effective then trying to play it safe and be all lovey lovey. What you need to do is build yourself up and find a way to distance yourself from him. He can then choose to focus on his own healing process, if he wants to. Until then, you'll most likely going to keep being a target for him to project his pain onto. He's probably incapable of introspection and lacks self awareness big time. Lashing out at you is his way of coping with his unresolved shit. And that's not right. You should not be putting up with that, no matter the blood you share. It's simply not healthy for either one of you.

If or while you cannot cut him off completely, try to build some strong boundaries and stick to them. If you are unable to respect them, no one else will either. I don't have siblings, but am very familiar with the dynamic you're describing. Distancing yourself, cutting contact (even if just for a while) seems to work the best. Read/watch videos about strong and healthy boundaries. Also might wanna look into the narcissist - empath dynamic and codependece, but don't get too hung up on it. All the best.

...And that's it. Just walked out of the dentist's. My final visit. Everything is as it should be now. My teeth are all nice and healthy. If I decided I could do a few minor beauty touches in the future, but it's really not necessary for now. Everything looks great as it is. But mainly, it's all healthy. Now I just have to do a routine check every six months. I never practiced that in the past. Also gotta quit smoking asap. I know that's the biggest factor. Very happy and satisfied. This was one of the biggest things that I wanted to do in a very long while. Such a big shift.

Ok. Let's talk physical appearance. I've been skipping the gym a lot this past month or so. The excuse being that things were just super crazy at my job (and in general too) and I simply had no will and energy left for working out. I also started eating less. Did not like the feeling of stuffing my face with food and having a full belly all the time. I noticed that I started gaining some fat, because of this bulking diet I've been on. So I kinda freaked out a bit and hit the breaks lol. I don't want belly fat and I also don't want puffy cheeks and a double chin lol. I'd rather stay as I am than gain too much fat. Currently sitting at 75kg. Still very lean. Still bellow 15% bodyfat, I'd say. My weight is very evenly distributed. But I definitely want some more muscle mass. More size. My goal is still 81kg, but it's very unlikely I'll get there till October. If I could gain 3 more kilos of more or less lean mass, that would be great. I can work my way up to 81 slowly, without dirty bulking. All in all, looking good. Not absolutely perfect, but still very good. I'm kinda, sorta satisfied. Gotta stop skipping the gym though and start eating just a bit more again. Looks like things are about to cool down a bit at my job, so that should give me more space and motivation. Ok, next: hairstyle and style in general... both are quite important to me lol. No shame in that. I like to dress cool and I think hairstyle plays a huge role in one's overall image. I experimented with quite a few hairstyles in the past. I had it all. From buzzcut to very long, and everything in between. But I think what I landed on now truly suits me the most. Mid long, mid split. Curtains, basically. 90s style. It compliments my facial features a lot. It looks great from all angles. It's symmetrical and does not throw things off balance. It's very low maintenance. I don't use any products, just some plain coconut oil, when I want to go for that sexy wet look lol. It looks great dry too. I basically need 5 minutes in the morning to get it ready. So yeah, sticking with this hairstyle. It's great for when I'm feeling a bit more classy, but it also goes great with my casual image - which is this modern rock/matrix look lol. It's only not the best look for being sporty, which I'm really not, outside of the gym. And that brings us to style in general. Obviously, nothing suits me like black. Maybe white and gray too, but nothing quite like black. I've been wearing it since I can remember, but I've not been sticking to it religiously so far. That I am planning on doing now lol. Within a month I'll be throwing out and/or donating all the clothes that I have and don't feel like wearing anymore. Everything that does not feel like me. And then I'm basically going to buy plain black shirts and pants, only. Throw a bit of grey and white in there maybe. And that's it. I've got everything that I need. Everything that truly feels like me. I've got some cool boots and sneakers already. A very cool coat too. I may get a few more accessories and stuff, but I won't go too crazy. Keeping things minimalistic. So yeah, my style will be bulletproof lol. Another big thing I want to do, is get a full sleeve tattoo. I already have a half sleeve, but it's not the best work ever. So my plan is to fix it/cover it up and then extend it into a full sleeve. Might get a smaller tattoo or two, somewhere else on my body as well. I'm thinking chest, or ribs, or something like that. However, all of that I will be doing once I move to Serbia. Simply because it is much, much cheaper than here. I just gotta find a really good tattoo artist. And that's basically it. My physical appearance/image will then be exactly as I imagined and designed it in my mind, quite some time ago. Maybe even better. It will feel and look great. Comfortable, authentic and cool. Very excited about it!

Bought the dip. Expecting anywhere from 50 to 100 pips. Market has been in a down trend for a while, but there are strong signs of a reversal now. And even if there won't be an actual reversal I can at least profit on a retracement.

@Mandy That's great news haha! It's kinda what I suspected to be true. So there is no belief system per se, right? No beliefs either, right? There's only ever a thought that's arising right this moment? No piling up, no place where it's all stored or held? Because I do things that I don't like doing 😄

@Eothasian Sounds nice. Lately I've been focusing too much on what I don't like, and not doing enough what I truly enjoy. I just felt too depleted and uninspired.

I adapted quite a few 'negative' or 'limiting' beliefs as I was going through life. And in a sense, I can see them holding me back now, as I am trying to make some changes and create a better, more fulfilling life for myself. I'm good at quite a few things, but my belief system needs quite some work - I'd say. How do I prove a particular belief wrong? For example, one of the beliefs I hold, is that I must engage in hardcore physical labour to earn money and survive. Basically, break myself in half. I believe that I must do something that I absolutely hate doing in order to make money. If you ask me at any time of the day, I'd tell you that that's not how things are supposed to be. I'd tell you that you can find a way to do what you enjoy and still earn money. However, there is this feeling that comes up telling me that that's not what I actually believe. As if a voice somewhere back in my mind was saying: 'inauthentic, false'. How do I make it so that it truly feels authentic and real? How do I start believing what I want 100%? My guess is (and this is what I've been kinda practicing too) is to simply keep walking towards what you want to see becoming reality, despite any belief or disbelief in your mind. Simply keep trying and trying until one day you wake up living the life you wanted. I'm guessing there's a possibility that even once you've made it you won't be able to believe it. But you will be living it, nevertheless. What is your experience with this? Any suggestions?

Is there something I should know Of the colours that you show? I remember those words In the back of my mind There is an old phantom It isn't a secret this mind's shrouded in history It isn't a secret this mind spirals in disarray It isn't a secret this mind shudders in mystery It isn't a secret I find terror in memory Come close. Don't be afraid, It's stranger than you think Desperately opiate, weary Feverish host to us, teary eyed History hexes us History hexes us Don't look. Don't think Don't feel. Don't move. Don't breathe Don't make a sound. It lives. It breathes In my conscious mind (Rosebud don't change) It isn't a secret this mind's shrouded in history It isn't a secret this mind spirals in disarray It isn't a secret this mind shudders in mystery It isn't a secret I find terror in memory I live and breathe again These gory locks, don't you dare forget them Don't you dare Don't you dare History hexes us I breathe again History hexes us I live again

Mind says: 'It's all an illusion.' Heart says nothing and just keeps beating. Mind says: 'None of this is real.' Heart says nothing and just keeps beating.

Went to visit my mother. It was nice. A bit uncomfortable at first, but we managed to connect and go a bit deeper. We both opened up, but it mostly ended up being just her realising stuff and me holding space, comforting her. We spoke about some family stuff, health, life in general, etc. She started crying twice and then I would get up and just hug her. I could feel all the built up tension in her body. And even though it was not that much, she was more relaxed and a bit lighter afterwards. She was able to release some of it. Towards the end of my visit she was laughing and being all bubbly. I could sense that things flipped around. I was very calm and grounded. We both expressed how much we care and worry for each other. Her condition is far from the worst it could be, but it's not too good either. Her legs are often keeping her up at night. She's in a lot of pain and is taking heavy medication. Only that seems to be helping. I told her to slow down a bit. There's no need to rush anywhere. I told her that all is well and that good things are coming. And that she should be reminding herself of that more often. But I noticed that what I say is not nearly as effective as physical touch. One longer hug can tell a million more words. And it is impossible not to be 'heard' that way. Tension starts melting away immediately. Intellectually it is very hard for us to be on the same page. We simply see things completely differently. But once an emotional connection is established, things start flowing pretty easily. All in all, some nice, quality time spent together, I'd say. However, I'm not planning on doing this too often, because I'm inevitably slipping into this role of a therapist. It feels like I'm being the parent for her, and not the other way around. And my inner child is not too happy about that. I basically have to put that part of me completely away. Not be vulnerable, but be a rock for her. Strong, centered and immovable. Within a month I'll be gone anyways. And then we won't see each other for a while. Only through an occasional video call or whatever. I think I'm really starting to see why I ended up 'back here'. I might just be resolving this stuff for good. For real this time.

This whole transformation phase is an extreme swing to one side. It is a polar response to what I've been doing, or not doing, previously. It's not balanced. It's partial and super limited. No wonder I don't feel myself. No wonder I'm this super distorted and inflated version of myself. No wonder it feels like hell and I just want to survive it and be out as quick as possible. This whole phase is but a correction. That's what it is. It's not truth. It's not peace. It's not fulfilment. There is a sense of urgency in the air, at all times. Panic. Restlessness. It is simply the fastest way to put myself back on track. But it is also the most intense and unpleasant way. In that sense, this entire journey is false. A lie. However, it is necessary in order to balance myself out. Paradoxically, it is truth also.

The middle way, Ivan. The middle way. I keep forgetting that this is the path I am walking. I find myself oscillating between two extremes, trying to figure out which side is the right side (for me). When in truth, it's neither hard left, neither hard right. It's directly down the middle.

Religion changed the face of man, thou shalt not kill, we all are gone The seed of ignorance is born thou shalt not think, thou shalt conform The pigs order us to follow orders and obey The flies drink the decaying nectar of their tortured effigy Cling to wasted beliefs and visions and bathe in apathy again No solution, the retribution of spiritual sickness begins The legacy of suffering is through, the guilt we bear shall not tear us in two Born we are the same, within the silence, indifference be Thy name Torn we walk alone, we sleep in silent shades The grandeur fades, the meaning never known If nothing in the world can change our children will inherit nothing The pigs call for pure submission and fall into the fray The lonely hunter beats his shallow drum, the soundtrack of world disarray Born we are the same, within the silence, indifference be Thy name Torn we walk alone, we sleep in silent shades The grandeur fades, the meaning never known If nothing in the world can change our children will inherit nothing

Just came out of the dentist's, and oh my God. I am a changed man haha! My teeth all are nice and healthy and shiny. Perfect. It was a solid two hour procedure. Barely any work left to do. My final appointment is next week on Tuesday. This is definitely the best thing I did for myself in a very long while. I'm so grateful I wanna cry haha!

@Faith Sorry to hear that. I don't have any knowledge on that medical stuff, hopefully it's nothing too serious. Wish your husband and you the best.

Thanks again to both of you. It means a lot. I'm putting this mother thing aside for a while now - meaning that I will not be focused on it, obsess over it and worry myself to madness. It's making me super anxious and uncomfortable. It also brings up tons of anger and sadness. Hopelessness. Etc. It's unnecessary for me to be doing that to myself. I don't see how anything good can come out of that. I'm still on a 'mission' here, and I'm super close to completing it. Once I step away and get a breath of fresh air, I might come back to all this. Preferably expressing it through music. I'll try to spend some quality time with my mother and maybe suggest a thing or two... but I won't break myself to make her see things in a new light. I'll try to accept things as they are and keep doing my thing, with an open heart. Sticking to my initial plan and not staying here in Italy. Moving away within a solid month. I need it. I must carve my own path. God knows I love her and I wish her only the best. I must stay true to myself.

@Phil @Faith Thanks a lot to both of you. I will read through both replies a few more times later, to take it all in. Right now I'm trying not to think too much about it and freak myself out. Did some stretching, played some guitar, etc. Trying to remain connected to feeling and not overthink. I feel ok now. Me and my mother have a very complicated thing going on, as evident in this journal. I wrote about it quite a lot here, but I feel like I barely scratched the surface. There's just so much pain. And we cannot seem to be able to communicate about things. Our interactions are always very surface level. Rarely do we go a bit deeper, and even then not nearly enough. Last time we met, I spoke openly about what I think, even though words were coming out quite difficulty. I just feel like she does not hear me, more often than not. I suggested talk therapy. Particularly regarding childhood trauma, etc. She's got a lot of unresolved stuff. So much pain underneath it all. She got quite defensive and said that she does not need anything like that and that she should be the one offering therapy to others - kinda laughing it all off. My mother does not believe in depression, anxiety, trauma, psychological or emotional disorders... Nothing like that. She believes that you just need to keep pushing forward and work hard. She nearly worked herself to death. So yeah, anything I suggest is kinda in vain. She is simply not open for it. Her worldview is super narrow. Lacks emotional maturity/intelligence big time. But is a very emotional person. Also does not understand English, like at all. So I cannot suggest her stuff to read, videos to watch, etc. Information is super limited in our language. But even if that would be an option, I doubt she'd be open for it. I just don't know how to get to her. I know this or anything else can be managed and/or healed, but I doubt it's possible with an attitude like that. She's a fighter and she pushed through so much in her life, and that's very admirable. But she does not see, or is not familiar, with the other side of the coin - so to speak. She does not know the power that surrendering holds. All she knows is brute force, resisting and pushing through anything that's in her way. It worked before, but I see her losing will and power and I'm afraid that's not going to cut it anymore. She needs to learn to release and let go. She needs to open up, surrender and find new will in that way. I don't know... That's just how I'm perceiving everything. As said, I have quite a few unresolved stuff with her too, so I'm pretty sure the picture is distorted. But intuition is quite loud, nevertheless. I don't want this to go where I fear it's going. It would be such a tragedy. Thankfully, she's all for healthy food, exercise and stuff, so that may be a pathway for me to reach her somehow. She's all for healthy lifestyle, but does not see a very big aspect of health. It's not just the body. It's the mind and the heart too. The spirit. It's triggering to me to be around her too often, and it can get too much. I feel the best if we see each other every two or three months or so. But this really makes me think... is my time with her so very limited? Should I spend more time with her even if it does not feel that good to me? I also want to move quite far away from here within a solid month or so, and now I'm not sure if that's a good idea. I'm afraid she would spiral downwards even faster. She's already freaking out about me leaving somewhere far, yet again. My mother has a quite unhealthy attachment to me, I'd say. What I do or don't do affects her very much. In a very unhealthy way. It's a heavy burden to carry around. Last time I spent two years in Asia, I came back two days after she fell into a coma, not knowing anything. It was a huge shock. She barely survived that, but managed to recover quite fast. However, I doubt she would have had the will had I not shown up in the hospital, miraculously. It's all just so twisted and complex. Honesty, I would not think twice about leaving and just doing my own thing. Walking my own path. But this is serious stuff now. It's her physical well being in question. Dare I say, it's a life or death situation. It's quite crippling to think about. On one hand, I want to choose myself, authenticity and my own truth, and on the other I feel like I should put myself aside and try to work this out with her. Try to help. I'm very deep in inner child work these past few months, but this is kinda getting too much and too real now. I feel like I need a break from it all and just do what my heart is longing for.

So today I recieved a shocking message from my mother saying that she has been diagnosed with a disease called polyneuropathy. 70 % of her nervous system is damaged, and from what I understood, it's going to keep spreading. She might lose her motor functions, mobility, etc. She said to me, that when that happens, she does not want to be a burden to me or anybody else, and is saving money for a nursing home or something along those lines. Her funeral as well. She's basically already preparing to die. She just turned 46. It's way too soon for stuff like this. I cannot even comprehend it. It freaked me out a lot when I read the message, but then I spoke to a close family friend and he said that it's not that bad. She can live long if she slows down and manages her stress and diabetes well. I imagine she's super scared too and might be blowing things up bigger than that they actually are. I don't know what to think... It's too much to take in. I don't want my mother to die anytime soon, but I also cannot shake this feeling that something bad is going to happen. Would appreciate a word or two from you @Faith and/or @Phil, if there's anything you can say to soothe me a bit. How do I process this? Is this kind of disease familiar to you? What is to be expected?

Trade closed with 50 pips profit. Definitely very impulsively and too early though. Price is continuing to go up for sure. Still, a very nice trade.