ivankiss

@Phil @Faith Thanks a lot to both of you. I will read through both replies a few more times later, to take it all in. Right now I'm trying not to think too much about it and freak myself out. Did some stretching, played some guitar, etc. Trying to remain connected to feeling and not overthink. I feel ok now. Me and my mother have a very complicated thing going on, as evident in this journal. I wrote about it quite a lot here, but I feel like I barely scratched the surface. There's just so much pain. And we cannot seem to be able to communicate about things. Our interactions are always very surface level. Rarely do we go a bit deeper, and even then not nearly enough. Last time we met, I spoke openly about what I think, even though words were coming out quite difficulty. I just feel like she does not hear me, more often than not. I suggested talk therapy. Particularly regarding childhood trauma, etc. She's got a lot of unresolved stuff. So much pain underneath it all. She got quite defensive and said that she does not need anything like that and that she should be the one offering therapy to others - kinda laughing it all off. My mother does not believe in depression, anxiety, trauma, psychological or emotional disorders... Nothing like that. She believes that you just need to keep pushing forward and work hard. She nearly worked herself to death. So yeah, anything I suggest is kinda in vain. She is simply not open for it. Her worldview is super narrow. Lacks emotional maturity/intelligence big time. But is a very emotional person. Also does not understand English, like at all. So I cannot suggest her stuff to read, videos to watch, etc. Information is super limited in our language. But even if that would be an option, I doubt she'd be open for it. I just don't know how to get to her. I know this or anything else can be managed and/or healed, but I doubt it's possible with an attitude like that. She's a fighter and she pushed through so much in her life, and that's very admirable. But she does not see, or is not familiar, with the other side of the coin - so to speak. She does not know the power that surrendering holds. All she knows is brute force, resisting and pushing through anything that's in her way. It worked before, but I see her losing will and power and I'm afraid that's not going to cut it anymore. She needs to learn to release and let go. She needs to open up, surrender and find new will in that way. I don't know... That's just how I'm perceiving everything. As said, I have quite a few unresolved stuff with her too, so I'm pretty sure the picture is distorted. But intuition is quite loud, nevertheless. I don't want this to go where I fear it's going. It would be such a tragedy. Thankfully, she's all for healthy food, exercise and stuff, so that may be a pathway for me to reach her somehow. She's all for healthy lifestyle, but does not see a very big aspect of health. It's not just the body. It's the mind and the heart too. The spirit. It's triggering to me to be around her too often, and it can get too much. I feel the best if we see each other every two or three months or so. But this really makes me think... is my time with her so very limited? Should I spend more time with her even if it does not feel that good to me? I also want to move quite far away from here within a solid month or so, and now I'm not sure if that's a good idea. I'm afraid she would spiral downwards even faster. She's already freaking out about me leaving somewhere far, yet again. My mother has a quite unhealthy attachment to me, I'd say. What I do or don't do affects her very much. In a very unhealthy way. It's a heavy burden to carry around. Last time I spent two years in Asia, I came back two days after she fell into a coma, not knowing anything. It was a huge shock. She barely survived that, but managed to recover quite fast. However, I doubt she would have had the will had I not shown up in the hospital, miraculously. It's all just so twisted and complex. Honesty, I would not think twice about leaving and just doing my own thing. Walking my own path. But this is serious stuff now. It's her physical well being in question. Dare I say, it's a life or death situation. It's quite crippling to think about. On one hand, I want to choose myself, authenticity and my own truth, and on the other I feel like I should put myself aside and try to work this out with her. Try to help. I'm very deep in inner child work these past few months, but this is kinda getting too much and too real now. I feel like I need a break from it all and just do what my heart is longing for.

So today I recieved a shocking message from my mother saying that she has been diagnosed with a disease called polyneuropathy. 70 % of her nervous system is damaged, and from what I understood, it's going to keep spreading. She might lose her motor functions, mobility, etc. She said to me, that when that happens, she does not want to be a burden to me or anybody else, and is saving money for a nursing home or something along those lines. Her funeral as well. She's basically already preparing to die. She just turned 46. It's way too soon for stuff like this. I cannot even comprehend it. It freaked me out a lot when I read the message, but then I spoke to a close family friend and he said that it's not that bad. She can live long if she slows down and manages her stress and diabetes well. I imagine she's super scared too and might be blowing things up bigger than that they actually are. I don't know what to think... It's too much to take in. I don't want my mother to die anytime soon, but I also cannot shake this feeling that something bad is going to happen. Would appreciate a word or two from you @Faith and/or @Phil, if there's anything you can say to soothe me a bit. How do I process this? Is this kind of disease familiar to you? What is to be expected?

Trade closed with 50 pips profit. Definitely very impulsively and too early though. Price is continuing to go up for sure. Still, a very nice trade.

Position opened. Not the best entry ever, but it's a sure trade, I'd say.

So I'm 28 now, and one of the best decisions I made in my life so far is not to get married or have kids yet. I'm quite anti marriage in general, but I do like the idea of having kids and a family one day. When I'm 35 or so, perhaps. Folks, please don't have kids until you figure your shit out. You're inevitably going to fuck them up, and might not even know it. You're also going to make your own life miserable. My mother had me at 18. And her mother had her at 18. It did not go too well. Both failed so much when it comes to parenting. Both divorced. Lots of abuse and stuff. Tons of trauma. And now they're both miserable and still have not figured out their shit. I'm grateful for the life my mother gave me and I'm grateful for everything she did to bring me up. I know she tried hard. But you are simply too young, too immature and simply put too stupid to raise a child properly at that age. Find yourself. Heal your heart. Get your mindset right. Make a nice nest and have your life sorted out. Then start thinking of having kids.

Finally. Reversal confirmation. Trend is going to be bullish for a while. Now it's only a matter of finding a nice entry point.

God... I really, really want a goth/alt looking girlfriend. I was never too picky or anything in the past, when it came to dating. But now I want to be quite specific. I have preferences, and there's nothing wrong with that. It's simply what turns me on.

Clearly, I have this belief that money comes only with hardcore physical labour. By breaking myself in half. And I know that's false. Most of the people I know believe the same, and don't even have space in their minds for other options to occur. They cannot even start to think about another way. So it's no surprise they're looking at me like I'm nuts when I say that I want to earn online, wherever I am in the world. It also makes perfect sense that they're opposing me, quite aggressively, trying to keep me believing the same shit and not doing anything new. It's exactly like that analogy with the crab trying to escape from the bucket, and other crabs pulling it down. I've been experiencing that first hand, for a while now. It pisses me off, and more often than not I get very defensive, trying too damn hard to make them see that there are other ways, etc. It's literally just me fighting against my own belief that I want to eliminate, and other people are like flashcards representing that belief. Maybe it's smarter to be silent and simply keep doing my thing. I don't need to tell anyone anything.

A true masterpiece right here. Too damn beautiful. How did they find me? How did they know? This misconception of fate I'm about to let go Awake in a new light, I'm Alone in this room Heavy at heart, it may be a lie You will not see me It's a new day (Why did they follow me home?) It's a new day One More Step, it's Here waiting for you, now Go Slow, take your time Leave No Mark You lost your way I hope you're watching me Celebrating For the one so free You lost your way No-one held you back from me How do you all Speak With a lying tongue? How do we all Sleep With a dying sun? Sit down Lighten your own This storm is coming You should stay home But I feel warm Hey, let's get lost in the crowd, while Searching for something worth holding Hey, let's get still lost in the crowd I'll show you so much more Much more So much more So much more Are we waiting? For the savior? Someone to heal this Or erase us It's a new day It's a new day It's a new day Are we waiting? For the savior? I'm so sick of waiting I've been waiting my whole life This is a new day This is a new day This is a new day

Well, work sucked a bit less today, then it sucked quite a lot, and then a bit less again. Sundays are usually much more crazy, so I'll take this as God giving me a little break on my birthday lol. Hoping to have some will left and maybe some inspiration to fool around with music tonight. However, I pretty much made peace with the fact that my real musical journey will begin once this phase is over and I move to Serbia. Not having my own place right now is a huge factor too, beside this shitty job. Tomorrow I have an appointment at the dentist again. And then two more appointments before the end of the month. Soon all of my teeth will be nice and healthy. Finally. I waited so long. Feeling ok right now. Not super good or anything, but ok. Missing some female company, quite a lot. I feel like I'll truly be ready for a new relationship once this is all done. I waited nearly two years. It wasn't easy, but I did the right thing. Rushing into a relationship before sorting my shit out would have been a big mistake. But I cannot lie, I really want someone by my side now. It's almost time.

... And I just turned 28. Nice. Doing absolutely nothing special, chilling on the couch just like any other day, working tomorrow morning just like any other Sunday. Not celebrating or catching up with anybody. There will be plenty of time to celebrate once I'm done with this stuff here. If I was to make a birthday wish, it would be to be healthy and at peace, and also make some decent money with trading. Basically, I wish for everything that I'm already working for and walking towards. Happy birthday you sexy mofo. Love ya so very much.

@Faith Welcome 🙂

@Omelette It can be as simple and straightforward as @Faith said. Don't complicate things. You can also be a bit more playful about it... depends on the girl and the vibe you got going. First establish a connection and when you're both comfortable, relaxed and feeling good, simply bring it up. There's nothing wrong with not looking for a relationship and just wanting to have some fun. You'd be surprised how many girls are in the same boat, for whatever reason.

40 more days left till the end of this phase. The end this transformation. The end of this chapter. Days are flying by fast, but it's not becoming any easier. I resist a lot and don't feel myself most of the time. But that actually makes sense. Can't wait to complete this and look back at it from a new standpoint. I know I'll be very proud of myself.

Did not open a trade this whole week. Bummer. I expected to make at least a hundred pips or so. But at least I did not do anything stupid and lose money. If uncertain, simply don't trade. There was a reversal this week, and even though I 'predicted it', I was not comfortable selling. Guess I was still buy biased and the picture was not that clear until it was kinda too late to enter the market. Being this burnt out and frustrated is not helping with trading either. Of course I'm not as focused as I could be. Oh well. Let's see what happens next week. It looks like price is going to keep falling for a while.

I feel the best and have the most clarity right after I wake up from my afternoon nap. And maybe an hour or so before I fall asleep at night. As soon as my nervous system gets overwhelmed, I lose myself and become this distorted, burnt out version of me that's fed up with everything. It's just sensory overload, that's what it is. And it's impossible not to get overwhelmed during busy hours at work. It seems as if there's no way around abandoning my truth and then trying to catch my breath and be me again, once work is over. It's like shattering a crystal, every day, and then trying to glue it back together, as soon as there's some silence and space. Quite sad to watch, actually.

Truth is, if you're coming from nothing and have no support system, or barely any, you're going to struggle pretty damn hard to make your dreams come true. No amount of dreambording, no LOA, no witchcraft or anything like that will do it for you. You're going to have to bleed for it. There's going to be all kinds of things trying to bring you down and kill your vision. There's going to be all kinds of people trying to screw you over or distract you. And you'll have to overcome all of it. You're going to have to work through all the shit that you adopted and absorbed , find yourself, go out there and make it happen. You're gonna have to fail an x amount of times and not give up, until you make it happen. You're gonna have to eat quite some shit. That's just how it is. LOA and dreambording looks great on paper. If only things were so simple and straightforward. Everyone would live their dream lives. But it's all mainly just bullshit. A tool to assist you, if anything. But not do the job for or instead of you. Is an innocent child that dies in a car accident or in a war a vibrational match for that reality? Was that on its dreamboard? Was being crucified and brutally murdered on Jesus's dreamboard? Or did he forget to check the other side of the board? Maybe on one side it was liberation, heaven and peace on earth and on the other it was mayhem. Come on. It's bullshit and you all know it. Work through your trauma or anything that's holding you back. Connect to your inner truth and simply make it happen. You need nothing else.

It comes from the depths of a place unknown to the keeper of dreams if it could then it would steal the sun and the moon from the sky beware Human at sight, monster at heart don't let it inside it could tear you right apart No guilt, it feeds in plain sight Spirit Crusher Stay strong and hold on tight Spirit Crusher Speaking in killing words The vicious kind that crush and kill no mercy, its pleasure to taste The blood that it bled When it's time to feed to fulfill the need to consume a breath some will rise standing tall breathing out all the breath from the voice of a soul

6 years old. I was fucking 6 years old when I figured out exactly what I want to do in this life. And 11 years old when I became real serious about it. Obsessed. It was as clear as it can be to me: this is what I want to dedicate my life to. This is what I want to give my whole self to. I'm turning 28 in two days. For more than 20 years I've been dealing with all this bullshit trying to stop me or change my mind. Starting with my dear family. Everyone was telling me since day one that it's just a hobby, that music won't pay the bills and all that crap. Everyone was trying to kill my dream and send me down a path that was suffocating me. Why? Why the fuck would you do that? Why not support a child who is clearly gifted and passionate beyond words for something? 'Only one in a million makes it' - they used to say. What a fucking truckload of shit. It couldn't be further from the truth. But naive and impressionable as I was as a child, I believed them. And not even fully, really, but still, it kinda got ingrained, despite my efforts to prove the contrary. It's not a fucking hobby. It's literally why I was put on this planet. It's literally why I live and breathe. It's a life long mission. It's my purpose. It's what I was born to do. It seems as if everything was working against me my whole life, trying to break me and make me give up. But that just simply is not possible. No matter what life throws at me. Nothing can stop me. Nothing can extinguish this flame. It burns stronger than all of it combined. Not even the biggest heartbreak and deepest devastation could stop me. Not even the realization that all of this is nothing and none of it matters. Not even losing everything and not knowing whether I'll have food to eat and water to drink. Not even everyone turning their back on me. Absolutely nothing can stop this flame from burning. Heaven is on my side. It's too pure and true for anything to stand a chance. I fell a lot of times. And this last fall was the biggest so far. But I keep getting up and coming back. True love cannot be stopped, ever. It's time to make this happen. I know it is.

See, this is the problem that I have. This is why having a day job is killing my creativity and directly preventing me from being in true flow and making magic happen. I come home at 11pm, not being myself at all, due to all the fucking stress and running around and doing meaningless shit at my job. I take a shower, maybe eat something, and then spend a solid hour or so unwinding, releasing all that tension from my being. Trying to be actually me again. By that time it's 1am or so. Finally. Silence, peace, breath. Relaxed and feeling good. There is some space for inspiration and creativity to come into being. I pick up the guitar, play around a bit and get something really good going. Like, really good. Something true. Something honest and real. Something from the heart. And then, oh fuck, would you look at that. It's fucking 2am. I gotta go sleep and do the whole fucking bullshit the next day. If I god forbid sleep less than 6 or 7 hours, my day will be that much more awful. Fuck this fucking shit. This is nothing new to me. I realized this many years ago, and almost made it out. But then that lame ass relationship got in my way and completely destroyed me. And now I'm trying to get back on track and do this for real. Once and for all. I simply cannot do anything else but music, if I want to do it properly. I must live it, eat it, breathe it, be it. I must be fully immersed. True creativity cannot happen on command, or when I have 'an hour to spare', or when whatever the heck. It cannot be compromised. It simply strikes when it does and you must act on it right away. There simply must not be anything in the fucking way. God does this frustrate me. I just want to fucking create, damnit. But there's all this stupid other shit that I must do to be able to survive in this broken world. There's all this noise and distractions, bombarding me from left and right, non stop. I will find a way out of this madness - that I fucking swear. This is not how I'm meant to be. This is not who or what I am.

By moving to Serbia I'd actually be doubling or even tripling the money that I saved up. It's that much cheaper to live there. So I think I'm thinking smart here. Live at a cheap place, make more and more money, until I can choose to live pretty much anywhere. It might take a few months or even years, but what matters the most is that I'll be doing only what I love to do. Nothing against my will. No resistance, only flow. Looking forward to making it happen. I really think it's my best option.

Still no opportunities for an entry. Barely any movement on the chart today. Looks like price is going to continue falling though.

Fucking love this track. Absolutely brilliant. The sickness of this world is destroying all the dreams The fools are kings, tearing apart the soul The race for complication, communicate reaction The lack of heart of men, I grow distant from the core Borrow this body for a lifetime Earthly material My soul unraveled out of mental The shell returns to dust I focus on the present, concentrate on what I find Accelerate the vision high beyond the curse of time Bring light to my attention, the walls of vacuum fall This force increases and tells me where to go Follow, I enter my dimension Awakened heart for life Enforce my senses, understanding I find the will to live straight, oh I feel the change, I see the vicious circle Finally turned into a virtuous one Having the whole world in my hands filled Timelessness Out of the frame, I feel so vast, I'm all around myself Imaginative interaction But I keep struggling inside to hold this always Forever there Is it the fear to fall in space that keeps us from understanding? The only way to find the power is to look inside Increase your fall on purpose and let this river flow Now you hold this secret appeared out of the vacuum of space Remain in what you are, the center of your life You made it to this point, no one can tell you how You crawled and bled all the way, but you were the only one that Was tearing your soul apart, you finally find yourself

Huge dip on the chart, as predicted. 300 pips or so. It's tempting to buy, it would be a perfect entry right now, but there's a chance price is going to continue falling for a while. Think I will wait just a bit longer for some confirmations.

Holy shit. A very hot blond in her late thirties just tried to pick me up at work. Causal small talk quickly turned into hardcore flirting. So much sexual tension. However, I playfully rejected, saying that my schedule is super tight and that I have to be back at work in two hours. Shit! I'm kinda sorry now. I'm pretty sure she'd eat me alive if we hooked up haha. She was pure fire. But then again, I'm really not in that space right now. No time, no apartment, etc. But I mainly just chickened out lol. She was super straight forward, maybe even a bit too aggressive in her approach for my taste. Still, I was very attracted to her from the moment I saw her. She's cycling to France from here. What a bomb.