ivankiss

So, Ivan is a solo 😄 That's very cool. I feel like something's not quite there yet...it could be better. But thanks!

@WhiteOwl Much love and respect to you.

@Loop Interesting, thanks. I thought of it as 'channeling' before too. It really feels like that. I love how it's like you're carving a path, in the middle of nowhere, trying to arrive home. It's so satisfying when you land on a tasty note. I was always focused on writing music. Since I can remember. I learned a few songs by my favorite bands too, but that was never really my main focus. It was always about creating something original. I always had everything written down, black on white, note for note. Rarely did I ever improvise a solo over my music. It was always 'predetermined'. And now I'm kinda starting to see the limitation of that. Would love to improve in this area.

What is improvisation? Where does it come from and why is it so tricky? 😁 It's like surfing, I imagine. You can be thrown off at any moment. It's very much about balance. Intuition, also. I suck at improv quite a bit. I was never really focused on it before. Today I decided to try and improve my skills a little bit. Here's how it went: 20221016_143654_1.mp4

Your highest desires are not manifesting not because your law of attraction skills are broken, but because you have not become who you need to be in order to handle what you want with grace, maturity and balance.

@Phil Sounds tempting, and I think that's what I'm already heading towards, but I'm going to try and find my own way.

Heed not my hundred reasons at midnight I belong here

And what is that? Made me curious. Is it that there is no me, no her and it's all just God imagining stuff? That there are no two and it's all One? I want it, but I'm also terrified. 'Just let go' sounds so easy. But it seems I'm not the one letting go of anything. I'm the one being let go of. It's letting go of me.

Cross over and turn Feel the spot don't let it burn We all want we all yearn Be soft don't be stern Lullaby Was not supposed to make you cry I sang the words I meant I sang

Constant noise behind the overcoming I had no choice but to rearrange The scar is open, I am not allowed to understand I take it as you're not coming back

I dug my own grave, didn't I? I was trying to keep some distance because I knew I wasn't ready for the real deal. I was still wounded and confused from my previous relationship. And I was already committed to a certain path that I've chosen. I wanted to protect myself, but somewhere down the line I gave in and let myself be taken over by this. I got too attached. I did not expect to fall in love like this. She did not want anything too serious either. It wasn't just me. I understand she did not violate our agreement or anything. But she did not need to rub things in my face, either. Of course it was painful. And she admitted it would be painful for her too, had I done the same. It is just how she was coping with our situation, she said. By withdrawing, shutting down and acting like she doesn't really care. I can understand that. Either way, I'm very grateful for this ride. It was fun, intense and beautiful. Lots of lessons. A lot to love and appreciate. Last time it took me 4 years to wake up to certain things. At least this time it was faster. 40 days of pleasure, love, fear, disappointment, frustration, jealousy, and all that good stuff. I still have a long way to go. My intuition is always on point. It's just that I have a hard time listening to it and trusting it.

Please forgive me. I did not know any better. I'm doing the best I can. I'm so sorry. I love you so much.

I may not like how I feel... But I will not abandon you. I may not feel the most lovable... But I will not abandon you. These feelings might make me feel unworthy, or remind me of memories of unworthiness, but I will not abandon you. I will not abandon you in favour of temporary highs. I will not abandon you through addictive behaviour. I will not abandon you in pursuit of greater popularity. Nor will I deny any complements that come my way. It is not unloving for me to feel how I feel. I can't help but feel. And if I can't help but feel... what if I stop escaping right now? And even if it feels like hell... at least the acceptance of hell means the only direction I can go is up. My dearest emotions... My most painful memories... My most righteous projections... Including my most insidious spiritual bullshit... I may not indulge you...I may not identify with you... but I will abandon you no longer. For I am the Love that liberates you. It is not unloving to feel the way I feel. Unloving is only when I use my feelings or circumstances to harm myself or others. Feeling my emotions without taking it out on anyone, including myself, is the firs step of reclaiming my power. Feel that.

@Mandy I am aware that things do not have value inherently. We assign value to them. It was just an example. Replace 'mansion, cars, etc.' with anything else you desire and value. I'm just saying that feeling good all the time is not necessarily going to bring things to you that you want. You can find your way to them while feeling shit too. 'Just focus on what you want' is most likely not going to work, either. Because life happens and does its thing. No matter how focused you are on one thing, you can get hit by a car, for example, and then there's that. It's simply not grounded in real life enough, like most of spiritual guidelines and ideas. They love to hover above life.

You know why I think it's bullshit? At least the way it's being talked about most commonly... Because there are people out there who are angry, bitter, miserable, abusive, addicted to all kinds of shit... and they still managed to 'manifest' a fortune for themselves. They live in mansions, drive luxary cars, travel the world and preach nonsense. Fucking over anyone they can. They are far from being grounded in 'love and light', yet they seem to be able to just go out there and make things happen for themselves. By any means necessary. Do they have a heart? A soul? Probably not. But they have all that shiny stuff that most of us are only dreaming about, while doing all these spiritual backflips and kung fu moves, in hopes to miraculously 'attract' things to us. There is something to this LOA biz, I'd say. But it's not working as it's being thought in mainstream spiritual circles. It's also not a one size fits all type of thing.

@Mandy @Mandy I appreciate it guys, but to me it seems like we're beating around the bush, sorry. It's not hitting the nail. Here's a real life example, that happened recently; Let me know what you think about it. I've been dating this girl for a month or so. Things got very deep, very fast. We fell in love with each-other, hard. We both expressed how wonderful and magical what we have is, numerous times. Neither one of us could believe it. But, since I had a plan of moving away in the near future, we agreed not to fully commit to a relationship or be exclusive. It made sense to 'keep some distance between us'. So one night, we go out with a few friends and we all get drunk. She gets a quite a bit drunker than all of us. Soon she starts hitting on a girl, right in front of me. Made out with her at some point. Then, after a while, a guy starts hitting on her. She does not mind it. Kinda starts flirting back. She loves to flirt. I'm playing it cool, we're not really in a relationship after all, right? But I can feel all these emotions arising. So I decide it's time for me to leave. She stays and keeps doing her thing. Enjoying the night, I guess. I come home, feeling angry, disappointed, sad and everything in between. But I cause no scene. I focus on trying to make myself feel better. I fall asleep and wake up around 6 in the morning to her getting into my bed. I hug her and she falls asleep on my chest. Like nothing happened. What would you do in a scenario like this? Was she smarter than me for following her excitement and fooling around in the club as she pleased, just because it felt good? Completely not giving a fuck about us? Was I supposed to do the same and start hitting on other girls? Why couldn't I do that? What was stopping me? Why did it feel wrong? Why did I want her, and her only? A week or two after that, I go on a trip to another city. Several girls want to hook up with me there. I reject them all. I could not do it. All I was thinking of was being with this girl. I knew anything else would pale in comparison. It felt like I would be cheating, even though we weren't committed or exclusive. Am I an idiot, or is my love towards her more real and deeper than hers? I value respect, loyalty and all that jazz. A lot. Going against that does not feel good, at all. No matter how pleasurable flirting or hooking up with someone in a club could potentially be, in that moment. I would regret it. I would betray myself, and in a sense, her too. What am I missing here? What would you do in my shoes?

@Phil Gotta love waking up to a zen slap 😄 It's not very pleasant, but I suppose it's helpful. Thanks.

@Phil Right now nowhere 😄 because there is no partner around. But I'm pretty sure the fear would arise again in a new relationship.

@Mandy Hm... I don't know... What I do know, is that my intentions were pure and honest, my heart was open and loving, and I don't think I deserved what happened. I could not see it coming. It was unimaginable. Felt like my heart was ripped out of my chest. I literally couldn't believe it. And I guess I'm just trying to protect myself from ever experiencing such pain again.

@Mandy Kinda... Once or twice in my teens. But that cannot even begin to be compared to the betrayal that I experienced in my mid twenties. If it's karma, it's going a bit too hard on me haha!

Ok. Let's clarify once again what it is that I desire. Where all of this is heading and why I'm doing what I'm doing. I want to travel full time. Anywhere and any time. I want to work for myself and have a steady income online, but I am also willing to have a day job until that happens. I want to meet and bond with lots of cool and interesting people and create beautiful, memorable memories. I want to 'conquer the world' with my music. I want to use all those travelling experiences as fuel for my creativity. As the very substance out of which art is created. I want to collaborate with all kinds of musicians that I meet on my journey. I want to be in love. Romantically and in every other way. I just want to love. Meeting a partner who would have similar interests and could join me on my journey would be the cherry on the top of the cake. I might add a thing or two, but that's pretty much it. That's the vision for my life. It is what I desire the most. I have a plan how to get there/attract it here. Several plans, actually. But I still don't know exactly how it's going to play out. But happen it will. One way or the other.

In my most recent relationship this became very obvious to me. I have a deep fear of being betrayed and/or cheated on by my partner. I had some experience with that in my past, and it could be said that's the reason why I feel that way... but I think it goes deeper than that. I don't want this to be in my way in future relationships. Besides it feeling awful, I also tend to show some possessive and obsessive traits towards my partner. And that's not good either. It's all coming from this deeply rooted fear. A belief, perhaps. It's not quite clear to me why this is, but I think it has to do something with being abandoned and neglected in my childhood. Anyone sees/knows something I don't? How do I go about healing/overcoming this?

@Devin That actually makes a lot of sense. Thanks. It is, yes. But it also kinda hurts due to the 'sacrifice' it requires. By focusing on one specific vision, I'm blocking out all these other things that I like and enjoy too. 'From potentially anything to a defined something'. - that's how I see it. My journal was kinda my dreamboard so far. I put all my ideas there and then change and add to them along the way. But I think getting an actual board could not hurt. I might just do that. Seems a bit cleaner and more in my face haha. Being fully present in the moment and actually doing it/creating is one thing. Thinking about how it's all going to play out and what I'm supposed to do is what seems like I'm trying to control too much. It's happening in thinking. That's a nice little twist. Thanks. It is, yes. And I do enjoy even that part. I guess I'm just afraid of taking the wrong steps and I also fear missing out on things. I'm doubting the ways I choose. I'm doing it all alone and even in spite of some things. I wonder if I'm being foolish, arrogant and too stubborn... blind? I struggle to fully trust myself.

I have a plan for the next six months of my life. Simple and straightforward. Kinda strict and limited too. I also have a more loose plan from then on. I wonder, am I missing out on even better opportunities by trying to plan my way to what I desire to attain? Is there perhaps a faster, smoother and more exciting way in completely letting go and letting life take you where it wants to take you? Am I trying to control things too much? I am aware of the sacrifice I'm making by sticking to this plan. And I'm aware that it's probably going to be quite a bit uncomfortable. But I am willing to go for it for the sake of accelerating my progress and growth, and seeing the results I want to see. On the other hand though, some of the most memorable experiences I've ever had were spontaneous and unforeseen. I could not plan out all that magic. It simply happened on its own. Flawlessly and effortlessly. To plan or not to plan? That is the question.

Walking our own road Each step, each breath We are fighting for our lives And we are losing every one The things we gave up for a dream we are still waiting for We were so young then Firelight holds their peace Sing farewell by smoke in the cold We farewell the old As they fall to silence Fall Into silence As they fall to silence To silence