ivankiss

It's just a coping mechanism.

I've been counting on selling it and using that money when moving. There's a big chance that it's not worth fixing it. I'll have to sell it for parts, which is little to nothing. It kinda changes everything, but also not really. I will still move, but I must keep working a day job. And yes, of course it broke down just when I borrowed it to this girl. Fucking hell. I never had luck with cars. I'm fucking sick and tired of them. I'm not buying another car until I can afford a brand new one. With older cars there's always problems. Every once in a while something breaks down. It's just not worth it. Unnecessary expenses. I'm far better off without a car.

My car broke down. Great.

God damnit... Another beautiful night spent together. It just doesn't stop being amazing. We keep unlocking these new depths and it keeps blowing our minds. We made love so passionately... it's the first time ever that I feel like my partner is on the same level as me. The first time that someone can truly follow me, in real time, naturally and effortlessly. And not only follow, but also initiate things and lead. We kinda switched things up at one point and I surrendered myself to her completely. She was the dominant one. It was super unusual for me, kinda uncomfortable at first, but after a while I started enjoying it. She loves to dominate. It was this beautiful back and forth play of energy... exchange of power. Surrender and control. Just fucking perfect. Fuck! I really love this girl... but I cannot be with her... fuuuuckk!

I did not write about it lately, but I had some nice trades during this phase. Just closed a position. Very nice profit. I'm withdrawing all the money from my trading account and depositing a larger amount once I move and start the next chapter.

It seems like there's just no way around spending more money when you're seeing a girl lol. And we weren't even dating for real. It kinda messed up my calculations for this next chapter of mine, but it's not too bad. I can still pull things off. It was worth it. I look at it as a nice little vacation.

In summary.

Solid week left till my departure. Days are flying by super fast. We did quite a few things together. Partied, went out for dinners, talked a lot, etc. Sex is still amazing. We are definitely closer to each other. Emotions are deep and strong. However, during this time, I kept noticing things that I simply could not accept if we were to commit to a full blown relationship. She drinks too often/too much. She's kind of a party girl. Hangs out almost exclusively with guys. Is very flirtatious with everyone. Needs stimulation and attention all the time. Is heavily addicted to her phone, texting, dating apps, etc. I'm not too big on spiral dynamics, but if I was to look through that lense, she's as stage orange as it gets. Did not embark on a spiritual journey just yet, and I kinda got the sense she thinks it's all woo woo nonsense. She's very cerebral, rational and scientifically minded. This could be a nice balance, in a sense, but it could also lead to a lot of dissonance. Also, her taste in music sucks, big time. Haha! There's a lot to like and admire about this girl. But we're simply just not that good of a match for a long term relationship. That's how I see it now at least. She mentioned that she might come visit me, wherever I decide to go. I kinda wanted to cut contact when I leave. Close the door behind me. Eliminate the possibility of getting lost in fantasies about us finding each other, etc. But she really did not like that idea. She insisted that we stay in touch. Will see where this goes. Gotta start planning and organizing things for my departure soon.

It's a no.

Yup. I am definitely in love again. She helped me find my way back to love. Its so beautiful. And something tells me, I won't lose this once I move on. It will be so much easier to find my way, even if I get lost. This love is like a light tower. I'm courageous enough to love again.

The music I've been writing these past few months sounds so much more beautiful now. It's as if every single note has much more meaning to it now. I feel like I truly live and breathe this music. It's so damn personal and so damn beyond me at the same time. I am truly in love with this project. It will take some more time until it fully comes to life, I know it will. But that's just how things work. Truly great things take time. Not always, but more often than not. What's important is that's it's all here, written black on white, and it's not going anywhere. Now it's simply a matter of getting myself in the right space from which I can bring this to life, properly and for real. Without rushing it, without forcing it, without sacrificing any aspect of its magnificence. This is masterfully written, and so it must be masterfully recorded, produced and marketed too. So much love. I'm so grateful to be blessed with a purpose like this. I honestly feel like I'm working and cooperating with God directly, when I'm creating. It's really a holy experience.

God... she's just such an inspiration. I can hear her teaching English, right next to my room. She is just an absolute sweetheart. I love how she laughs. I love how easy going she is. Calm and grounded. I love how disciplined and professional she is. How articulated and smart. God I will miss that laughter... This is so damn close to what I would call 'the one true love'. It's so damn familiar, and peaceful and real. It's so damn close to being absolutely 'it'. But it's not. I know it's not. It's just letting me know how close I am to that, actually. It's letting me know and see all the work that I've already done, to be able to attract something this good. And it's also letting me know that my work is not quite done yet. I have still some things to do before I can attract that one and only true love, embodied in one person. I must become it, fully, before I can attracted someone who will reflect it back to me. Still... this is an absolute blessing... that's what it is. A huge gift. A 'thumbs up' from the Universe. I am grateful beyond words for this experience. So much love, so much beauty, so much fun. I feel like I'm in the best movie ever made, yet again.

Well ofcourse. If everything is Love, pedophilia and rape and murder must be Love too. Simple, right? That's just not how things work. He's twisting the truth, and not coming from a very loving, centred or healthy space, at all. Just because the words you're using are ultimately true, does not mean you are being in truth. Someone could say: 'It's all one. It's all Love.' The awakened one would tune into that, and if it's not coming from an honest and authentic space, the awakened one would reply: 'That's not true.' Is what you're saying actually true within your being, this very moment? Are you aligned with what you're saying? Or are you simply saying stuff to paint a picture of an enlightened being, while everything else within you is screaming something else? To speak of truth really doesn't mean anything unless you are being true. And being true is far more powerful than speaking of truth. This... This is just not how someone who has went through similar experiences, healed and integrated them, speaks. It's also not how to go about tackling this issue. It's not how Love would act. No there's nothing other than Love. And yes there fucking is.

Absolutely amazing night. Been a while since I had this much fun. It was nice to see myself in that role again. Activated, charismatic and super social. Sex was ridiculously good. I tied her down for the very first time. We completely lost ourselves in the roleplay. It was unreal.

Let me sleep just a bit longer 😴😄

@Phil It is automatically recognized as 'a door', with or without labeling it. Unless I stare at it long enough to forget that there is such a thing as 'a door'.

@Phil Not sure if that's what I'm saying. There is no door without the label 'door', yet there is something that is perceived as a door. Point is, I don't have to think about it for it to appear as being there.

@Phil @WhiteOwl Thanks, enjoyed reading that. I like it. In direct experience, equilibrium is what enables me to stand up straight and walk. It's a sensation, a feeling. I would not link it to thinking, or mental balance. Though if I think about it deeper, I can kinda see how it's all connected. If a thought is 'the lie', could it be that that is what's necessary in order to maintain equilibrium (feeling) and keep on walking, perfectly balanced? 'I am the thought that never crossed my mind' I would make a distinction here between a thought that is 'manifested into tangible reality' and a thought that is simply thought (intangible, unseen). I don't have to think about the door in front of me in order for there to be an appearance of a door. I can let go of thinking for a moment, yet there is still 'a door' right there. I guess I interpret this line as pointing towards the appearance of 'me' (for example, the appearance of a body) without having to think about it. It's a thought that is not being thought of. I'm articulating this terribly, but hopefully you kinda understand what I'm saying/asking.

'A lie to maintain equilibrium To hold me in this dead realm This last ever dream I'm the thought that never crossed my mind Disguised in the evident Forever unredeemed' Love these lyrics. They struck very deep. It feels like they're telling me something that I'm not quite capable of fully grasping. I'm particularly curious about the very first line: 'A lie to maintain equilibrium' What is this pointing towards? What do you think?

For some reason, or no reason at all, I like being depressed much more than I like being anxious. I can actually enjoy it. I can be at peace with it. I like how slow everything is, I like how my voice sounds, how few words are... I guess I like to be depressed. It feels very close to my true self. Just a step or two away. While being anxious feels very far away from it. It does not feel like me at all and it's nearly impossible to be comfortable with it and bathe in it. So yeah.... Depression > anxiety

Been listening to a lot of dark jazz these days. This is one of my absolute favourite albums of all time: A true masterpiece. In every way imaginable. Would love to experiment with a sound like this. It just takes me to places no other kind of music really does... It's so soothing, so intimate, so sexual, even... But also dramatic and dark as hell. It's so depressing and haunting, yet so comforting and beautiful. A perfect balance of everything. A true piece of art.

I'm going to record a track for the other project I have, which is this tribal/meditative/rock thingy. My main project is just too complex and demanding when it comes to recording. I need to build a nice momentum to be able to record complex stuff like that. It's too big of a bite just now.

She admitted that being 'superior' and 'above' is kind of a high for her. It's turning her on. But she's really not a dick about it... she's very cool and grounded. It's just the role she usually has in relationships. She also gets off of causing pain and misery to men in her life. She was quite open about that, and it was something I could sense right away. But for some reason, she says she's not interested in that sort of stuff with me. What we have is something else. She also has a freaking sex slave in Australia. Haha! What?! I mean, there are quite a few things that I could not get over... it's really clear that we're supposed to enjoy each other's company short term, only. I'm super grateful for her crossing my path and I love how openly and honestly we can communicate all these things, not to mention all the incredible sex... but I really don't want to stick around too long haha. It's not good for me.

In a sense, she's already living the life I'd like to live. She's free, has money, travels and moves all across the globe all the times, has friends visiting her from all around the world, great connections, accomplished tons of stuff, tried out tons of roles... and she's only now turning 30. It's just crazy! It's difficult not to feel a bit envious. But I'm also just admiring the fuck out of her. And yes, I kinda, sorta tasted that way of living already, and it could be said that I went through and experienced quite a lot of things myself... but it's just not on that same level. She is really out there, in that sense.