ivankiss

For some reason, or no reason at all, I like being depressed much more than I like being anxious. I can actually enjoy it. I can be at peace with it. I like how slow everything is, I like how my voice sounds, how few words are... I guess I like to be depressed. It feels very close to my true self. Just a step or two away. While being anxious feels very far away from it. It does not feel like me at all and it's nearly impossible to be comfortable with it and bathe in it. So yeah.... Depression > anxiety

Been listening to a lot of dark jazz these days. This is one of my absolute favourite albums of all time: A true masterpiece. In every way imaginable. Would love to experiment with a sound like this. It just takes me to places no other kind of music really does... It's so soothing, so intimate, so sexual, even... But also dramatic and dark as hell. It's so depressing and haunting, yet so comforting and beautiful. A perfect balance of everything. A true piece of art.

I'm going to record a track for the other project I have, which is this tribal/meditative/rock thingy. My main project is just too complex and demanding when it comes to recording. I need to build a nice momentum to be able to record complex stuff like that. It's too big of a bite just now.

She admitted that being 'superior' and 'above' is kind of a high for her. It's turning her on. But she's really not a dick about it... she's very cool and grounded. It's just the role she usually has in relationships. She also gets off of causing pain and misery to men in her life. She was quite open about that, and it was something I could sense right away. But for some reason, she says she's not interested in that sort of stuff with me. What we have is something else. She also has a freaking sex slave in Australia. Haha! What?! I mean, there are quite a few things that I could not get over... it's really clear that we're supposed to enjoy each other's company short term, only. I'm super grateful for her crossing my path and I love how openly and honestly we can communicate all these things, not to mention all the incredible sex... but I really don't want to stick around too long haha. It's not good for me.

In a sense, she's already living the life I'd like to live. She's free, has money, travels and moves all across the globe all the times, has friends visiting her from all around the world, great connections, accomplished tons of stuff, tried out tons of roles... and she's only now turning 30. It's just crazy! It's difficult not to feel a bit envious. But I'm also just admiring the fuck out of her. And yes, I kinda, sorta tasted that way of living already, and it could be said that I went through and experienced quite a lot of things myself... but it's just not on that same level. She is really out there, in that sense.

One thing I did not mention about this girl, is that she's quite fucking rich haha! She has some serious money in Russia and Australia. All kinds of investments in shares and whatnot. And that, is quite intimidating. I cannot help myself but feel not accomplished enough by her side. Inferior and inadequate, in a sense. That's another big thing that would be hard to swallow if I was to be with her. But what's funny, is that she actually wants a dynamic like that. She wants to be the money maker in the relationship and have a stay-at-home-husband, or something along those lines. She likes being super independent, but also has a thing for wearing the pants in the relationship. She's quite dominant in every sense, and surrendering herself to me during sex is only possible because, in her words, I've earned her respect. So yeah, there's that. She made a joke once or twice about buying me an apartment, a car and whatnot, and basically enabling me to do my shit in peace. I mean, what? Haha! It's the last thing that I'd do. I simply have too much pride. I want to accomplish things on my own. But still, it's flattering and quite surreal to experience. I was not expecting to come across something like this haha. Apparently, her dad is involved in some Russian government mafia, and she's aspiring to become the president of Ukraine at some point. It's crazy, but for some reason, it's not hard for me to believe that she might really pull it off. This girl is just something else.

I proposed to take a break. Two days of no sex. Simply because I want to be more sensitive down there. She is kinda sore too. It will be difficult, because we turn each other on like hell, simply by being around each other. But it's doable. It will do us good. On Friday we're kinda planning a special night, looking forward to that. This will be a nice long build up. I'm going to focus a bit more on my stuff in these two days. I might start recording something.

Liaten to some good old death metal. Feel the anger. There is beauty and wisdom in it.

Shit. Last night was wild. It just does not stop being good! Haha! When it comes to sex, it simply does not get any better than this. It's everything that I could ask for. It's the highest vision for my sex-life. I really don't see how anything could top this. Everything else is on a very high level too, but sex... sex with this girl is just otherworldly.

Love ya sexy peeps! Thank you for existing!

I have so much love to give it's ridiculous. That's why things always become this deep and intense and magical right away. I cannot help myself but see it that way. But it's not just me, of course. It's also her. For sure. She's able to recognize, accept and reflect back that love. And that's huge. Not everyone is capable of that. It's almost as if I must love someone, or else I start deteriorating. For some reason, it's much harder to turn that love inwards. I need to project it 'out there'. After all, at the end of the day, it's just Love. No one is loving or being loved. It's just Love.

Some great stuff from a good friend. Very grateful.

Woke up to a beautiful note next to the bed... She expressed her love in such a beautiful way in it. Left for work early... Definitely made my morning. I'll keep it close to me wherever I go. God I love this girl.

Fooled around on the guitar with a roommate. A fellow guitarist. It was epic. The kid is super skilled for his age. He's only 19. Loved his enthusiasm. Great times. About to make a nice dinner. Enjoying my day off a lot.

Another absolutely beautiful night with this girl. We took a spontaneous trip to Italy, had a few shots, talked about everything that can be talked about. I actually enjoyed being a bit tipsy. It's been quite a while since I drunk alcohol, but I did not experience any unwanted effects. Loved how free flowing and unplanned everything was. I really missed that. We spoke about relationships and us a lot. We were brutally honest with each other. Triggered each other a bit, here and there, but even that was enjoyable. Everything was clear and exposed. No bullshit. Then we had some incredible sex again, of course. Fell asleep around 6 in the morning. Spent around 8 hours with each other. Time flies by super fast when we're together. I really love this girl. She's amazing. I'm very glad to see that I'm not becoming too attached or clingy or lost in fantasy. It's love with no strings attached. It seems healthy.

@Mandy No worries, I appreciate your input. I'd love to have someone by my side and be in love, but I simply know this is not meant to last. It's an adventure of some sort. It's meant to catapult me into the next stage of my life. I simply know it. There are way too many signs. Other than that, no matter how beautiful and smart this girl is, there are also quite a few things that I would consider as red flags. I do not see us being compatible long term.

@Mandy Not sure if I understand what you mean. I am sticking to my initial plan of leaving this place in October and doing my thing. By staying here with this girl I would be betraying myself (yet again).

@Mandy To trust and let go of things, no matter how captivating and intense they are.

Ok, looks like I'm sobering up slowly from this experience. It hit fucking hard haha! It's clear to me that this could not work long term. It's perfect for this phase. It's a perfect ending of this chapter. But it is meant to be left behind. It's not meant to last. It's almost like a graduation of some sort. I'm not feeling a pull towards changing my path anymore. I'm not having thoughts about staying here. I'm leaving in October for sure. It's the right thing to do. Mostly for me, but even she will benefit from it. It's a lesson for both of us and it can only be learned if I go.

Man... it's been a while since I've been starting my day with a blowjob haha! Been a while since I was falling asleep and waking up with someone by my side. It's beautiful.

I'm not only living with an incredibly hot and intelligent girl, I'm also living with artists and musicians. Which is very, very cool. It's definitely something I've been wishing for often.

And she... well, she never felt anything like this ever before, either. She was never loved this deeply. And that's with me holding back... She never had this many and this intense orgasms, she never connected to anyone this deeply, this fast, she has never been with someone who lives and breathes for their purpose. She straight up told me that she sees me as a creator. As God. A true artist. It's flattering beyond description, and it feels so good to be seen, recognized, valued and appreciated... but I cannot let it get into my head. I know myself and my wild imagination. It's not healthy for me to get totally drunk on this. This is love, no doubt about that. A very pure and mature version of it, too. We both reached a certain point on our journeys to attract something this good. But it's only passing by. It's not here to stay. Perhaps that makes it even more magical.

This girls is just dreamy. I've never had sex this crazy, never made love to someone this passionately, never talked to someone this deeply, never was this intellectually stimulated by another, never been this soft and tender and intimate with anyone. She did so much stuff in her life. She used to teach yoga, traveled a lot, lived all over the place, is highly educated, is into investments, used to be a financial advisor, currently teaches english and works as a florist... The list goes on and on... It will be difficult, but I must resist this. Or else I'll end up being her little bitch haha!

It's a test, really. That's what it is. Will I choose this, just to fill the void, and potentially end up destroying myself over it...? Or Will I resist the temptation and choose myself, even if that means moving on with a hole in my heart...? I know what's the right thing to do here. I simply must stick to it.

Things got super deep, super fast between me and this girl. I have to be very careful. I don't want this to go in the direction I see it could go. I cannot give my whole self to this. I cannot let her completely in. I must choose myself over this. Or else I'll end up repeating history. It's soo good and so beautiful, it's potentially very dangerous. I must stay on track and establish strong boundaries. We had an incredibly deep and lovely and fun talk about it all, last night. She wants to go all in. But she understands and respects my decision not to do the same. We love each other so much, it's very obvious. But this cannot last. 20 days and I'm out. It will be painful in any case, but it does not have to be completely devastating. That can only happen if I was to love her completely selflessly.