ivankiss

Not dead, but very rare, I'd say. Just as it's rare to find a girl who won't judge you based on what you have to provide, your status in social circles, etc. I personally am always kind and honest when interacting with girls. Even if what I'm looking for is just sex. It's just how I am. Girls appreciate when you are open about your intentions from the very beginning and do not try to feed them bs. Never had any issues, except with one girl who ended up screwing me over lol. Girls can be super rude and mean too. It all comes down to how much pain you're in. No matter your gender. If you got super screwed over a few times, you might end up being mean and screw others over too. Or start hating the opposite sex. Healing, folks, healing. That's what we all need.

A big thing to be aware of when taking that first step towards freedom is that it will be uncomfortable at first, probably quite a bit, because I became so used to and accustomed to misery, suffering and this sick way of life. Living a free flowing life in joy and surrender will be a shock after all these years and years of operating through constant resistance. I must expect and accept that. It might be a pretty big mindfuck at first. Maybe a part of me will also want to run back into that sickness, just because it is known. A lot of letting go will have to be done. This is something that anyone who survived some shit and flipped things around goes through - I'd say. It actually makes perfect sense. Thank God there's this light, guiding me, showing me the way.

Been missing some sloppy arpeggios in my life. 20220813_163244.mp4

Yes! Yesss! Yeesss! I feel it now! The spirit of absolute epicness is entering me! Haha! It's like I've been asleep for centuries and I'm now slowly waking up. It's so magical and divine! Pure joy and boundless creativity! Pure love! Heaven! Oh yeah, take me, please! Music is God. Period. It's just how it is.

Fuck yeah! Managed to load Bias FX2 in a new DAW! Now I've got all the tones I can and cannot possibly imagine at my fingertips. Awesome. Tomorrow is my day off so I'll be spending it on getting to know my way around in this new DAW, and downloading a few more cool plugins. Basically getting everything ready for recording. Very happy for these tones!

So I guess that's it. I made up my mind. I'm going for what I truly want in October. Not working a lame ass, soul sucking job any longer. I'm 90% sure I'll move to Serbia, at least for a few months, and get things going there. It could also be done in Slovenia, if I was to rent just a room instead of a full size apartment, but idk, it does not feel that right when I think about it. Will see. This is my decision. Unless anything truly big and unexpected happens that changes things completely. If everything stays as it is now, I'm doing what I decided.

I really think I'm not asking for much. I'm not aiming for the impossible here. Just a simple, fulfilling life, where I don't have to do stuff against my will, purely for survival. Here's how a perfect day in my life looks like: I wake up, do some basic self care and sit down to make music. I open a trade or two and make some money. Hit the gym. Make some nice food or eat out. Then back to making music. Then maybe hang out with some friends or a girlfriend. Have sex, talk about all kinds of things, maybe watch a movie. And that's basically it. All of my needs met, nothing too crazy or lavish. There's a window in October for me to make that happen. It could become reality very fast. And if I ignore that window, I might not get another chance for a while. So I'm pretty sure I'll go for it, even though it's a bit scary. I will stop working meaningless jobs and do what I love and enjoy, only. And if by any chance it does not work out, going back to this grinding lifestyle will always be an option. I must try at least.

That I understand. But I was talking about prostitutes. I'm sure there's plenty of those. You just have to find them. Maybe travel to a nearby city. However, another thing is, if you're a virgin or had little to no experience with girls before, prostitutes might not be a good option after all. Might do some damage to you. I already had girlfriends and had plenty of sex before trying it out with a prostitute. I'd say that's different. But not necessarily. Do as you know is right for you, deep inside.

Might be hard but definitely not impossible. In Sri Lanka I was staying in a full blown brothel for a while. There were girls everywhere. I doubt the situation is much different in India.

I've been with hookers a few times in my life, when things got really desperate. It's totally fine, I'd say. It can even be a better option than pretending to like someone just to have sex with them. Ideally, you'd find a girlfriend or a fuck buddy, but if that's really not possible for you right now, put aside a bit money and find a hooker. It can even end up being less expensive than taking a girl out lol. Don't know where exactly you live, but I stayed in a third world country before, where sex before marriage is super taboo, and even there there were plenty of hookers. Good luck.

Straight into the heart. You are a sun Goddess Will you save me? Hooray for you Hooray Now the rain it comes, the rain it blurs the grey line The grey line... the Greyhound home You are so vicious (Hurt me, I can take it) 'Cause it's all in the heat of the moment It's all in the pain Sonar, sonar again... It's on again, (got no wings... gossamer wings...) on again... You are a sun Goddess! Will you save me? Pain... pain... pain... 'Cause it's all in the heat of the moment It's all in the pain! So give in to the heat of the moment Give in to the pain!

Super busy night at work. Extremely stressful. I was running around like a madman. But somehow, that's exactly what I needed to calm down after this incident with my ex lol. I managed to shake it off, or run it off, pretty quick. I'm good now. Feeling back on track and clear headed. As much as I can be at least. No raging emotions. I've been thinking, and it's pretty safe to say that I can eliminate two options from my list of possibilities. Asia and Italy. I simply can't stay in Italy, it feels super off. I need to physically move forward, to move forward within as well. And Asia is just a bit too big of a leap for now. It can wait another year or two. So that leaves me with 3 options: Amsterdam Slovenia (either Maribor or the capital) Serbia (hometown) And it should not be too hard to decide when the time comes. It's simple. If I want to stop working and only trade for living, I'm moving to Serbia. Simply because it's super cheap. And if I see that I still must continue grinding, I'm going for Amsterdam or Slovenia. Amsterdam would be a bit tougher to pull off, a lot to figure out, etc. But it would be a lot cooler than Slovenia. Slovenia is safe and known territory. Nothing to figure out. But it's just a little bit too expensive for me to stop working and live comfortably from trading just yet. So yeah, both options require more grinding, but are very different paths. And all of these 3 options resonate to some extent, for their own reasons, but none of them is an absolute yes just yet. Let's see what happens.

Damnit. I accidentally saw a picture of my ex, and it shook me quite a bit. Not even a full picture, just a thumbnail of her profile picture. Fuck. She looked pretty. Fuck! I took no contact super seriously. And that means not only no texting, calling or talking, but also no looking at her photos or anything like that. No contact whatsoever. I managed to pull it of for a solid year and a half. And now this. Damnit. I don't like that it still gets to me. I still feel some pain from all the shit that went down. But I don't want to live in fear of seeing her or anything like that, either. I just want to not give a fuck, to put it simply. What went down in that relationship plays a big role in this whole transformation thing of mine. I know I'm trying to prove to myself something by doing all this. That I am worthy. That I am capable. Etc. But she has no place in the equation really. I must eliminate that part. What I am doing, I am doing for me, only. Hopefully these are the last strings that I'm severing, attached to what should have died long ago already.

Trading is going great so far. If I was trading with a big account, I'd be super rich haha! It's just that it's a bit too slow as of now. I suppose that's because I'm going only for trades that are absolutely sure. Hence I nearly have no losses whatsoever. And even when I do lose, I'm able to recover fast. But yeah, in theory, I either have to risk a bit more and trade more frequently, or I keep this tempo and trade with more money. I will not say I mastered this 100% just yet, but a solid 90% for sure. Feeling more and more confident about my abilities.

My God... Bias FX2 has some absolutely out of this world beautiful tones. It's clear to me that this is what I should be using for my guitar sounds. However, I'm having some trouble loading it as a plugin in my DAW. It works only as a standalone. Maybe it's because my DAW cannot support it. Gotta figure this out. Super fun time playing around tonight. Off to bed slowly.

Maybe the fact that I'm having difficulties with this online banking thing is a sign that I should not be spending all that money on VSTs right now. I wanted the highest quality of sound achievable and the most realistic sounding virtual instruments, but I know I can achieve a lot by using free plugins only. I've been thinking of going with electronic drums instead of acoustic. A lot more of clean guitar parts and less distortion/gain. More ambience. It would be a completely new direction, but I can see how it could work out very well. Something very cool and unique could come out. Another dilemma I have is, vocals or no vocals? And if yes, lyrics or no lyrics? I 'developed' this cool singing style in the past where I use a made up language. It flows super nice and it comes straight from the depths of my soul. It's really like a channeling. But then at times I also feel like I have a thing or two to actually say as well. It would be easier for the listener to connect to the track if there were lyrics too, though I don't like to think too much about the audience when I'm creating... Don't know... Might end up going with a combination of both. Actual lyrics and channeling as well. Work with what you got, right?

Heck yeah! Huge move upwards. 90pips of profit. Nearly double than I've been expecting. Beautiful trade.

Not with one person, really. The conversation is between consciousness and consciousness. And there is no conversation either, really. There is just consciousness. Oneness does not negate individuality. It includes it. There is a 'you' and a 'me'. And it's all one. There is a line, a boundary, though it can be deconstructed. 'Psychologically', you are probably very different than me. Also, if I slap my face, you won't feel the pain. But absolutely speaking, it's all just one consciousness, dumbing itself down, playing with itself. A big trap here to be aware of is solipsism. Solipsism is a psychological disorder. Not oneness. Not actuality. My two cents.

Slept only 6 hours or so last night, not feeling too good. Kinda irritated and fed up with everything. Went to the bank the other day and changed my phone number, but this stupid app of theirs is still not working. It's still showing the same error, as if the bank has the wrong number. Fucking hell. Restringed my guitar last night, plugged in after nearly a year or so. Was able to fool around with different tones a bit... it was cool. But I was not to excited. My spirit was not all that high. I'm just too damn exhausted from all this shit. I want to hide and rest, for a very long time. Hide, not to be disturbed, and rest to heal.

Should I remain isolated The only things to change are my inner most feelings It's time to give up the rest For coming back wild None of this matters any longer The bleakness of the landscape and the waste of time I surrender I surrender to temptation It's time to give up the rest For coming back wild None of this matters any longer Hypnotized, fascinated Mesmerized and disturbed again Transparency, isolate Definitely I am at a loss There's nothing, there's nothing to say There's no need, there's no need to stay It's time to give up the rest For coming back wild None of this matters any longer It's my only way To find peace someday Forgetting myself I still fade away There's nothing to say There's no need to stay

Bought the dip. Not the biggest retracement, not the best entry, but price is going up for sure.

Price was going up slowly today, no retracements. Waiting for an entry point.

This is crazy... Proof that diet and exercise are everything. In a matter of two years you can change to a point of no recognition. I'm the same height as Christian Bale. Maybe taller by a centimeter or two. So this is a nice reference point for me. Currently at 75kg, pretty much lean muscle mass. My goal is still 81kg. 86 would be a bit too bulky. But I might go for it in the future.

Let's weigh these ideas for October once more... I'm still super indecisive and confused about my next move. I cannot see a clear pathway. The main thing that I want to achieve is to escape wage slavery. As soon as fucking possible. It's just too damn awful. And if I want to pull that off, it only makes sense to move to a location where my expenses would be minimal. That way I could live off of my savings for a while and trade for living. Once trading really takes off I could move to pretty much any place. Asia is cheap and it would be perfect in that sense, but it just seems like a too big of a leap for now. Idk. I feel like I'm not quite ready for that just yet. I'm also not vaccinated, so I might not be able to fly at all. It would take months to recieve 3 shots, even if I decided to do that. So yeah, I think Asia is a no. Serbia, on the other hand, is also super cheap and could work out very well. I could live comfortably there with my savings for the next six months or so. And that's without trading. If trading goes as planned, my savings will pretty much remain untouched. But something about moving there seems off too. Idk. It just doesn't feel truly right. Maybe it's because I don't actually like the environment. I think it sucks quite a lot. But then again, what I really need is just a quiet apartment to do my stuff in peace. I doubt I would be leaving my place too often. In that sense, it does not really matter where I am, as long as rent and basic stuff is cheap. And If I was to continue grinding and working a meaningless job that's crushing my spirit, I guess I could at least do that in a fancy, cool place like Amsterdam. Maybe it would suck a bit less that way. And maybe it would suck even more. I cannot know for sure. What I do know, is that moving there would cost a lot and my savings would be gone very fast. I'd be basically living from paycheck to paycheck, again. With little to no possibility of breaking out of that cycle. Unless trading takes off as fuck. So yeah, Amsterdam is a cool idea, but I would not achieve much by going there, other than having this cool notion in my mind that I live in Amsterdam. So cool of me. Haha. Hanging out and stuff could possibly be very nice too, but that's really not my priority now. Besides, I don't drink or smoke weed anymore, I don't even know how that would be like now. If I was to move back north to Maribor, or even to the capital, I'd still have to continue slaving away at a lame ass job. In a sense, it would be the easiest and safest thing to do. Not much to figure out, nothing to risk. But not much to achieve either. I'd be working at a job for 7-8 hours, then spend the rest of the day making music and trading, if I had enough will left. I'd live this way until I'd start making enough money with trading consistently to stop working. Staying in Italy is pretty much a 'no' too. Firstly because I really don't want to bother learning to speak fluently Italian now, there's other more important stuff I can spend my energy on. And I also don't vibe with Italians really. They're too dramatic. The city is dirty and stinky. Covered in dog shit and piss. It's too chaotic and also quite expensive. I also don't want to live anywhere close to my mother and grandmother. Even if we would not see each other, I'd still feel like they're right behind my back. It would affect my decision making, etc. I like Italy mainly because of street fashion, hot girls and nightlife. But again, that's not really my priority right now. So yeah... that leaves me... fucked. Haha. Nowhere. I still can't decide shit. I don't know what's the right move. But I may know what's not, a bit more now. It's not time yet. There's 50 more days left. That's a pretty long period, even though time is really flying. Anything can open up for me until then. If not, I'm pretty sure I'll be at least a little bit more certain what direction to choose.

If you view life as a mission For truth and purity in vision You can become as the anointed And fade away from the disjointed In observation, I analyze All the aspects of humanity that I despise I am the voyager I have tasted pleasures of the flesh And drunk the pleasures of the mind To reach the point I've attained Clear focused and defined Those who don't create dictate The structure of our world and preach hate Drifting out of languid boredom To destroy the structure of our kingdom In observation, I analyze All the aspects of humanity that I despise I am the voyager I have tasted pleasures of the flesh And drunk the pleasures of the mind To reach the point I've attained Clear focused and defined If you live life draped in sorrow You will destroy the path we follow Take my hand and walk in wonder The patterns spin in random order In observation, I analyze All the aspects of humanity that I despise I am the voyager I have tasted pleasures of the flesh And drunk the pleasures of the mind To reach the point I've attained Clear focused and defined I am the voyager I, Voyager