Serenity

How much shame can one POOR FAKE SENSE OF SELF absorb in a life time?? WTF. BEEN PROCESSING THIS STUFF FOR YEARS!!! Obviously, it is the mechanism that repress the crap down. I feel that shame is akin to hair clogging a drain; when you pull it out, a flood of repulsive, unpleasant pieces of crap surfaces along with it. EWW.

Big emotional outburst full of low level emotions aren't ever going to look curated and rational. I need to get over it. 😁

I will look at it. Thank you for commenting. 🤍

BOUHOUHOUHOU. I SUFFER. My culture doesn't allow for emotional displays. I always curate myself. Protestant hell hole of mine! Broomstick in the ass culture! I HATE IT ALL. FAKE PEOPLE EVERYWHERE. Why I am a feeling like the crazy one when they are all better fit for going to the psychiatrist than I am?

I am thankful for Phil to host this place, and for making it safe enough for me to purge this. And grateful for the forum users to cultivate a culture for vulnerability and sharing their innermosts insecurities. Without being fake. Without putting a veneer. Brr. I feel like a lot of energy has escaped through the persona I try to maintain. I already feel liberated. Though, I feel also like I've been emotionally unstable and I am judging myself for that. Lol

Right now, I am experiencing concern. I feel embarrassed that I am looking and reading like a hot mess. I am distressed about the fact that I hold such an energetic cancer. Or that I am birthing it. The pollution that I feel on the inside is getting outside and I am disgusted that I spread this energy on that forum.

Since I am able to channel and release the emotion I'll keep going on. I feel better just by writing and I get to cry. My body is so tense, and these emotions are feeling so discordant that I feel almost split in two. Like my body is on the Earth dimension, and these emotions are energy located in fucking hell. I feel like I am about to faint. I can't believe a human being can feel that bad, yet I am certain I must not be the only one having been through that. I've seen people having this type of irrational, excessive emotional outburst that seems coming from deeply rejected emotions from their past. The energy coming out of them is mindblowing and quite shocking, because they words, thoughts and actions seems so energized... So possessed by the emotions.

So, I am wondering if anyone can relate to that or have an idea about where this could be coming from or what to do about it. I have been for years a somewhat anxious person. It's not always perceptible, but some triggers get me to feel a deep, very uncomfortable vibe of anxiety located in the body. My impression is that not only does this unbearable suffering overwhelm me, but it also obstructs my capacity to perceive or embrace anything positive during these moments. It feels as though I am plunging into a profound pit of insecurity and despair. My access to creativity and profound insights becomes severed. I notice myself adopting a defensive, conservative stance, often appearing rather dismissive. Concurrently, my body language becomes closed off, and I have an overwhelming urge to withdraw. I experience a strong sense of being closed off and diminished, as if I wish to vanish. At times, if this state persists, it can deteriorate to the extent of inducing physiological symptoms, leading to bouts of vomiting and trembling. The problem lies in my inability to pinpoint a specific fear. It's more of an overarching feeling of catastrophizing and unworthiness. I find myself consumed by thoughts that if this continues, I'll end up homeless, steeped in shame, rejected, and perpetually unwanted, with no chance of ever finding happiness in life. I fear that none of my efforts will extricate me from this situation, that others will view me as peculiar, and that none of my aspirations or desires will ever come to fruition. That I am going to be a looser, abused by society in awful ways and die in awful conditions.

Internalized racism, and hoping one is light enough to get a pass. Whiteness can serve as a means for the ego to feel superior, especially if deep down, it is actually experiencing a lot of insecurity. It enables an individual to identify with a group of people seen and portrayed as successful, beautiful, affluent, intelligent, and powerful. So, if white people are considered exceptional, and I am also white, then I am seen as part of that group of winners. The concept of Whiteness establishes itself by differentiating from other human groups, often delineated across a spectrum. Individuals with darker skin are situated at one extreme of this duality. Whiteness tends to attribute to darker-skinned people the qualities it dislikes about itself unconsciously. Thus, individuals with darker skin become targets for the projections of shortcomings or undesirable traits by white individuals. And these narratives become widespread in society. For instance: Europeans have been seeing themselves as civilized, in opposition to the supposedly animal like behavior of Africans. But who really was the human being acting uncivilized, for enslaving fellow human beings? Who was the population going through an excessive phase of identification with its divine nature, putting in the shadow its bodily needs and instincts? Etc. It was all, and still just is projection. I believe that navigating through these complexities involves engaging in shadow work, acknowledging and addressing the suppressed emotions projected onto individuals with darker skin, through reflecting on the reasons behind having these feelings. And it might go through processing a lot of shame and guilt because one doesn't feel good about having ostracized other human beings from their humanity. By definition, the ego likes to see itself as good and preserve this identity. That said, this should only be a phase. There is nothing shameful about you and your true nature, regardless of what's been thought believes, felt or even done in the past. Another aspect to explore in shadow work involves examining your relationship with women. While I am not a man, it is plausible that many men may grapple with complex emotions towards women, possibly stemming from a profound sense of rejection related to the feminine. However, it's essential to recognize that this struggle is more rooted in how patriarchy socializes young boys, coercing them to detach from the feminine aspects. This societal conditioning leaves them yearning for feminine energy while simultaneously making it challenging for them to establish a genuine connection with it. From what you are writing, I am guessing you are part of those yearning for the feminine, seeking to find it in a woman. But that woman has not yet manifested in your life. What could be more infuriating than observing someone you perceive as beneath you (due to projecting your self-disdain onto them) in a relationship with a white woman (your anima)? She embodies the feminine ideal you deeply desire in your life but may suppress or long for. It's essentially witnessing the qualities you reject within yourself linked with what you aspire to possess. Yet, concurrently, your inner world feels fractured and tormented. It amounts to projecting the pursuit of unity onto external figures, such as the black man and the white woman. It's an emotionally taxing experience, to say the least, hence probably the deep anger.

I woke up today at 6 am. Unfortunately, it was way too early, because I went to bed yesterday around midnight. I tried to start my day early but ended going back to sleep and had some difficult two more hours of sleep. Now, it is nearly 11 AM and I am definitely late on my work schedule for today. I've let my mind wander a bit in bed. But mostly, it was because I caught myself having somewhat interesting thoughts and feelings that could be processed. I cried a lot, again. That content would be better suited for my other journal, The Way Home. But there is still a place deep of insecurities, that I am still working on and seems to be finally surfacing up to be cleared. It's not exactly that I haven't been working on it before, but my impression is that the root of this emotional vibration might be finally showing its ugly head. Finger crossed. But I can 100% tell now it has to do with Self-Love, self-talk and my broken heart with... myself.

I am missing 4.5 hours 2x to fill my hours at work this month. Tomorrow, I'll be working on it in the morning, and it should be the same for Sunday. I am quite proud of myself, as I am doing it all quite effortlessly now. What I do is that in order to do my 20hrs a week, I do usually 3.30 hours every day from 8 to 11:30. Frankly, it isn't that bad. After that, I spend the rest of my time learning the two lectures I have left. They are dense, and very challenging. I work hard because I want to be done and this keep me pushing all the hours I can 😊. Lecture one is 165 pages, 70 pages of cases, probably 500 pages of complementary material and about 100 hours of videos (4x 12 x 2). I've got 26 days left. Lecture two is probably about 500 pages (the whole book is 1000), perhaps 10 pages of cases, 50 hours of videos. I've got 24 days left. This one goes a bit faster. I am repeating it because I FAILED IT last session. 🤣 It was nearly a pass, but still not a pass.

Thanks, Phil. It's very useful. 🤗

Repressed anger in da shadow. 😀

What about Daoism?

How could there be an experience of arrogance if not for a sense of self?

You don't have to apology for being jealous of me. Feelings are just occurring to us and you aren't or haven't caused me any harm. Though, it's okay too if you wish to apology. Hearing that you feel jealous of me makes me smile. First because I am envious of other people too and then, because being in my own experience, I keep feeling often that I and my life sucks. So I have this idea in the back of my mind that perhaps being envious of Taylor Swift instead of me would be a better choice for you 🤣. Also, congrats for figuring out you want to do things which you love. Though, I didn't do anything for you to open your eyes, you did that alone 🤷‍♀️☀️🤍.

Thank you for the encouragement @noomii 🤗. Maybe you could create a similar journal for yourself. You surely could do the same 😊.

Awareness choosing to forget what it is for a while, creating the idea of a person, who has likes and dislikes.

2:30 of billable 1 hr of law 3 hours of admin work Where did all these hours go???😳 6:30 of productive work and going to sleep at 11:20. 🤧 Waking up tomorrow at 7AM at most. Goodnight internet

I would say it is self-deception, coping with emotional difficulties and feeling a momentary sense of self gratification and power. But it's all a double edged sword to say the least. If someone would see it's own behavior from an objective stand point and recontextualize it, one would see it wasn't the best way to relate to "oneself and others". Discernement, kindness and a healthy way to relate and be in the world. Also, a better view of what is needed for growth and how one can put efforts in an actual helpful way. Case 1 leads to suffering Case 2 speaks for itself 🙂

Going to sleep earlier today was brilliant. I love how fully rested I am. I woke up initially at 4:30AM, and then decided to go back to sleep and put the alarm clock at 9:AM. Definitely, it's something that I want to keep doing.

Off to bed.

Stopping for now. I am frustrated, tired, and I've hated dealing with all survival-related things today. I feel a lot of negative energy (financial constraint, powerlessness, anger, resentment, regrets), and I still feel overwhelmed. I feel ungrateful for not appreciating the tasks. Lazy for not making the most of it. A lack of abundance, and some sadness for not using my skills to work on what matters to change the world for the better. I wanted to write a private Instagram post today, but I don't feel like it anymore. I resent my current life situation. The work I'm currently doing for so many hours in my day is so below my intellect (mostly translation in a legal company) that I am abominably bored. And damn, how frustrated I feel sometimes falling prey to that "work culture" mindset, where success is tied to pushing execution like a robot and tying one's self-esteem to it. It's toxic as hell. I hate modern society and its absurdities. I hate how people compete instead of cooperating. I hate how wealth and resources are so poorly distributed. And above all, I hate having to play by the rules of this insane game being played, especially since it's so obvious that it's heading towards collapse. Boooooooh. I want lots of $$$ back. But I don't have the time to make it happen because education still takes most of my free time. And it's okay because I love my education. I love what I can do thanks to it. That said, I would be in a much better place in life I were not forcing myself to sit endless hours for that supplementary degree. LESS THAN TWO MONTHS TO GO I'll be a badass coach and consciousness worker, and while doing this, an awesome lawyer fighting for more awareness. I'LL GET THERE.

Alright, I need to go and log off the forum for the time.

It does, but it wasn't seen through before. Mostly, it would show up as buzzing annoyance in the background and some mild agression and desire for the person to comply to what I'd see as a healthier, more aware behavior. (The irony) On the external level, because I am unpleased with the causality chain that will be induced by the situation or behavior. But I suppose it is the sense of self that is turning this into a problem by believing there is a problem. No. The belief is the hindrance until it's seen through and let go. Yes. I do that. I still get caught on a regular basis in the belief that there is a future and I am not already living in eternity where all is well. There are some underlying fears to let go of the sense of self, the idea of past and future because it's all familiar and I am addicted to the sense of self and suffering.