Serenity

The problem is that often, I don't know. I think that's the real difficulty. There is arrogance, in the sense that there is a sense of self that is thinking about itself and how it is afraid and scared to be subjected or harm by unconsciousness. And it prioritize its feelings of discomfort, and try to force and push awareness when it is not able to see how the sense of self is able to see yet. The consequences I fear is disharmony, disunity, and the suffering that I can perceive as the natural cause and effect due to a situation that isn't being fixed. Let's say for instance that I am being upset about children being bombed. I see people bombing children, and I want it to stop. And with that comes strong anger at how unconscious people are because I can see through a lot of that unawareness, but I also do feel disgusted with the ignorance because I am disgusted at me when I am being ignorant. Which is a form of ego/arrogance in the form of self-righteousness and projection. And when that happens, while I am trying to help people discern better, I can have a sense of superiority coming up to the surface, especially when I am stumbling into the arrogance of someone that shouldn't be arrogant. Like thinking, how could these people that can't discern believe their discernment is better than mine? So I fall into some sense of unwarranted awareness hierarchy where I get upset if someone unconscious insist that they are being conscious and I am being unconscious, thinking there are two awarenesses and one is higher than the other 🤒.

I feel overwhelmed when all my waking hours are already busy and I am already late on the task schedule like today 🤔. The reason why I absolutely want to stick on that schedule is because of the compound effect. I am afraid that if I slouch and do not fulfill all the said tasks, I am going to fail at harvesting the desired results (which are very important to me). But I also feel like I need to sanitize my sleep pattern and calm down. Is it really that bad if I prioritize sleep and rest over tasks that still have time to be completed on other days 🤔? What is really to be prioritized now is billable hours administrative work luggages hair -- I haven't mentioned it in the other posts, but I really do believe there is a core issue in doing work in the state of mind of lack, stress, and overwelment. Somewhat, sanitizing it has to be the real priority, which is why I opened this journal.

Tasks for today 4-5 billable hours finish administrative law chapter 3 (2 hours are expected) review contract law chapter 1 untangle my hair, which turned into a bird nest (1/2 hours). At 2 PM, these tasks are already suggesting I am supposed to stay up until 12 AM, and remain at home, on a Saturday night 🙄. And I can't repair the sleep situation (going to sleep at 10 PM), unless I decide on postponing some elements to tomorrow Tasks for tomorrow prepare luggages for travelling on Monday (1 hour max) administrative work (can't quote hours yet) 1 hour private lesson (administrative law) + finishing another chapter (2-3 hours) 1 hour contrat law finish the remaining billable hours I need so I made it to 20 hours this week

Today, I woke up unfathomably late. 11:30 AM I revenge procrastinate a lot at night. Yesterday, I started watching Lady Chatterley's lover (2022) around 11:30 PM and was restless until probably 2:30 AM. Around that time, I had to manage a set of thoughts which went very deep about our shared nature. I remembered I am not the person and I had been doing a pretty good job at self-deception lately. I think it is also due to the fact that I am back home, and spending a lot of time with my family and the friends I grew up with. In my hometown, there is a lot of ego vulnerabilities that can be pressed on, which elicits further unconsciousness. I went very far. And remembered that I'll keep getting further and further and that my identification as an ego will likely come to an end in this lifetime. That "die before you die" saying is to come in due time. Each time, for now it is accompanied with fear. Mostly the fear of turning insane, and be stuck in some unhealthy case of partial awakening/solipsisme. Better safe than sorry. If I feel uncomfortable, I like better to velcrow thought myself back to egoic consciousness and work back from there on the understanding. Which is what happened yesterday night. But around 4-5 AM, I had a nightmare. A really uncomfortable one that I can't fully recall (by choice, I decided not to analyse its message and forget about it, as dream work takes at least 1-2h per dream to dig into). I woke up, slept with the light on, and waited as long as I could before falling asleep again in the hope the dream content would reshuffle itself and I'd not follow up on the same nightmare. I have to monitor my sleep habits and sleep hours. Ideally, I'd go to sleep around 10 PM the latest and wake up early. With 8 hours of sleep, it would mean waking up at 6 AM fully rested. -- Today, I am feeling like crap because of waking up at 11:30. It is 2 PM, and I haven't been working on any of my tasks. I have properly done nothing but writing some unstructured, low investment posts and creating a new journal. I feel disappointed with myself, and worried I am not going to keep getting closer to my goals if I am being that slouchy.

This journal is dedicated to clearing up the suffering which arises as I feel overwhelmed with the diverse tasks coming up in my daily life.

Yes. What I meant was that it's awareness just being aware. I mean, it's a tautology. The only thing that can ever be ever aware is awareness. Awareness just is itself, awareness.

😂 I mean that all is I, recalling that it is I, until recalling is no more thought to be required and realize it was just I all that time. Is this expression clearer?

All is I recalling I, until I.

Be aware that quality of awareness on the inside influences the outside. And that there is no duality to be found between the inside and the outside, even if the outside might look separate and different.

🙏 Thank you. I'll keep this in mind and do better.

I suffer a lot especially when I am afraid when it comes to the consequences of the person not seeing what I think just "is". I know I am sometimes in the shoes of the person who is not so thoughtful of consequences on other too, but when I see it it gets me angry/sad or what you call discordant. What's behind is fear, and anger at seeing suffering "outside", and I fall in the trap of feeling restless inside, I think. How are you at peace with harm being perpetrated?

If someone is saying that bananas are yellow, and someone else says that bananas are red with little pink dots, at what moment should one watch out when trying to help the other part to see that they are indeed yellow? I suppose it is a question of intentionality and ability to let go? Not making of this situation something that is at stake for the ego? How do I know if I am just trying to describe what is objectively there and when I am trying to state something out of my conditioning/ego ?

What's the difference between holding on conditions and discernment?

Yes, that's very true. I am exactly trying to challenges these narratives at the core, by moving the energy around my emotions.

I think many people can use these words in different ways. But I like to call suppression feelings that are conscious (the person is aware of having them) but unexpressed to the world. Repression would be feelings that aren't even noticed by the person who feels them. And then oppression would be the amount of pressure put towards an individual on a social context for him/her to suppress its authentic self, through some kind of dominance behavior.

Thank you. This makes a lot of sense.

But what if i keep feeling nauseous and still vomit it years after?

Panwolf babies 😍 How do I get pandas without suppressing/repressing the painbody? CONFUSIONS PREVENTS PANDA!!! We already have pandas. Happy pandas in nature. Being beautiful and happy for us all. AWWW.❤️ Some of my favorite commercials 😍. 😬

The good panda life.

Well that's the question. I want pandas, mandy. 😂

It feels like awareness experiencing pain and a memory of separation?

No, it's awareness. It's all awareness. The nervous system itself is awareness. AAAAAAHHHHHH. So it's awareness experiencing suffering and the impression of being two.

Actualityofbeing.com be like "who's got a nervous system". 😂

ALL IS OOOOOOOONE. ALL IS OOOOOOONE UNDERSTOOD AT THE NERVOUS SYSTEM LEVEL. 🤣 (yes, I am fine)

MORE AWARENESS IS THE ONLY REAL CURE.