noomii
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Posts posted by noomii
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On 1/14/2024 at 7:41 PM, noomii said:
So if any thoughts about meditation and how it's not working appear I just return focus to perception or sensation?
18 hours ago, Phil said:Best advice. ♥️
That is useful advice for any thought appearing.
What bothers me most are all the thoughts about time and that there is a time limit.
I think I don't have time for noticing emotions & thoughts to allow an "answer" to unfold and to go slow/not force things when I don't know what to do, when I'm expected to be productive.I could be mindful of all of these thoughts one by one or to meditate more. But then there's a thought saying "That is too much, it is too much effort, it doesn't feel good".
It seems like I can push myself too hard and that I should be gentle, but I also remember you saying something about that it's not possible to push yourself too hard?
I guess it doesn't matter what I do because there's no right or wrong. But I believe there is and I'm trying to avoid mistakes. -
@Phil What if I'm expected to make decisions quickly when I don't see what I want and when there's not much time for meditation?
I feel a lot of doubt about where to work and live.
I've been focused on just noticing the doubt, but I also feel a lot of worry that I need to make decisions quickly. I don't know what the next steps are and when I'm forcing myself to figure it all out with the mind it just feels worse.I did have an idea of what I could do earlier but changed my mind.
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3 hours ago, Phil said:
🎯
Thoughts are believed apparently. That there is someone believing, is a belief.
Lack is a belief. That lack is not a belief, and is true about something or someone, is projection.
♥️
Overwhelment is an emotion.
WHAT IS PROJECTION?
“In regard to what’s being shared here, please acknowledge & set aside any expectations that something or someone including yourself should, needs to or is going to change or be changed…”
So if any thoughts about meditation and how it's not working appear I just return focus to perception or sensation?
Thank you ❤️😊
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I have experienced absurd amounts of procrastination and inactivity for a long time and meditated daily. I haven't noticed much change or improvement from meditating.
I no longer sit for hours feeling like I'm in "freeze response" and distracting myself to avoid feeling. But it seems more like I no longer do that because emotions have been allowed more?
I still try to avoid certain things I need to do (most likely avoiding overwhelm, fear or doubt). I feel easily overwhelm even though the tasks are what people normally think of as easy.I'm trying to do things despite how it feels but it seems like everything takes longer time than normal, that I'm ineffective and that I don't have much time for it (even though I have a lot of time, so to speak).
It seems like the lack of focus I experience makes it more difficult to meditate?
Before I read your post yesterday I focused on the breath for maybe 5 min and it felt easier than usual to focus on the breath. Maybe it was because I went through the emotional scale a few hours earlier. The reading felt difficult though.
This morning I took a cold shower before meditation (which I thought would help with the focus) but it was still difficult to focus on the breath.Or maybe the meditation already works but I just keep on believing the thoughts about how it doesn't work and the lack of focus?
@PhilI would like to hear your thoughts on this. 😊
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My job coach showed me a wilderness/adventure guide training that is on a higher level, so it's easier to get a job after it and you can make your own business.
I think I'm going to apply for it even though I'm not sure if it's what I want. I'm not interested in the part with winter activites by the mountains, climbing or skiing. Might be good to just do new things so that new creative ideas can flow.
I'm going to apply for a job in the same place now to work until the training starts in autumn and tell them I'm planning on staying there after summer for the training. If I change my mind later I can just do something else.
Other than that I really want to prepare for a big adventure and travel a lot. I want my income to support my traveling.
I'm also listening to this daily, not at night though. I felt more drawn to these affirmations a few weeks ago when it felt good, it doesn't feel the same now, it's more like I'm thinking I should listen.
I'm not sure how I feel right now, maybe worry. My breath is really shallow.
I'm going to give my hair and scalp som oil and massage now 🙂 Then I'm going to focus on the emotional scale.
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These two hours did not go as I wanted. So exhausted. Oh well
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1 hour ago, Mandy said:
If it were me, I'd suggest staying really well hydrated 24/7 for a week straight if you can to kick the virus.
Not sure how much I should drink. I drink a lot less after 6pm just because I don't want to wake up at night to go to the toilet.
1 hour ago, Mandy said:Write down what it is that you do want, start small, (yellow flowers, a new jacket) move up from there.
Thanks. To me it seems like I have to do things I don't want, like having a job I don't like.
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I also haven't recovered from a cough I've had since beginning of November which is strange. I've had a cold and fever often too.
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I feel a lot of worry about talking to my coach tomorrow again.
I have postponed a lot of what I need to do to find work or new place to live, just because of overwhelm, fear and doubt. It's just now this past month I'm more focused on it.
But even now it just seems like I'm wasting a lot of time. I don't have anything new to tell her tomorrow, I feel so much doubt about what I want to do now and she can't tell me what to do. I feel like I need help but she can't help me.
I've been mindful and breathing deep a lot today but it hasn't helped much. I've thought it might be better to sit with the emotional scale as I spend the same time just sitting with the same emotion anyways. But for some reason I feel resistance about the emotional scale because it has seemed like it haven't done much for me and that it makes me put effort on things that I don't prioritize.
I've also thought about writing down all beliefs I want to question. But if I do the emotional scale it feels like it's too much effort to also sit and question beliefs.I have around two hours more to get things done before tomorrow.
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13 hours ago, Reena said:
I have a lady psychiatrist who helps me cope with my trauma.
But still. It's a really traumatizing stuff to deal with. I try to interact with as minimum people as possible to keep myself safe. I have thought about pepper spray many times but still reluctant because it can escalate violence. There are acid attacks in my country. Going to the police is not easy either, because once they are out of jail they will track you down and either kill you or throw acid at you. So that route is not easy. The police is notoriously indifferent to women's safety issues. I would not recommend any female from other countries to visit India as it's very risky. Too many female tourists have been raped.
I think I have often used my sling bag as a way to defend myself when a man tried to touch me. Raising some noise in public makes them scared or surprised and they back off sometimes.
Hopefully the government will do something to make it safer in the future to travel.
Yeah I have no idea what the best way is to deal with a man like that. Kind of scary to not know how he will react.
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14 hours ago, Reena said:
That sort of thing happens to me everyday and over the years had caused me intense trauma to the point that I don't step out of the house anymore. I used to take public transport to my office a few years ago and I used to get regularly molested, sexually assaulted on the bus. I never thought of using a pepper spray because I feared violence towards me. Safety is a key issue for women here. So we have to be on guard at all times. That's why dating is difficult and I have never dared to go on a blind date. I'm even scared to give my number. The culture is very misogynistic so the blame is always placed on the woman. I wish there was better protection but if I went to the police, they would probably laugh at me and tell me to get over it. On one occasion I was at the risk of being raped and a guy saved me by punching and throwing the assailant. On another occasion a guy tried to sexually assault me and all the people around me were men and they were laughing at me. It was very traumatizing.
You're not alone. Indian women experience this on a regular basis.
Sorry to hear.
You probably already know about this but I share anyways. If I lived there I'd look for any support groups for women or even just someone to call for support about sexual assault. I think it's empowering to be in contact with women where you support each other.
I'd also learn more about how I can better defend myself.
The women I talked to when I was there told me if a man tries to do something it's best to be loud when confronting him and let people around you know what he's doing, if there's people around. They said it might make him feel ashamed and someone could help you out.
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I traveled around South India and Sri Lanka for a bit more than two months when I was 19. First I was only going to volunteer in a reforestation community in India but then I left after a while to travel to different places. The men I met in the community were respectful and kind, but later I got sexually assaulted once in India and then a second time in Sri lanka. Not raped but still not acceptable. It can happen anywhere but it seems like it's more common in India, is it because of culture, misogyny or just a big population? Or was it just me, did I attract it? Sounds horrible to ask that but genuinely wondering.
Sri Lanka if I'm not wrong seem to have similiar culture as south India.
First guy in India sat beside me at a night bus (no beds) and didn't stop touching me even though I said No and pushed him away. I felt too scared to let the whole bus know.
Second time in Sri lanka a man with a tuktuk jacked off while watching me at the beach eating my fruits for breakfast. Then when I walked away to the other side of the beach he followed me. Then I walked right to him, took a picture of his tuktuk number (why didn't I just laugh and take a pic of him...?) Which made him drive away. I went to the police nearby, no idea what I expected out of that visit tbh. When I shared what happened they just laughed. They have no private rooms, so most people that were visiting heard what happened and laughed too. I felt a lot of insecurity when they laughed, seemed like they laughed at me.
Similiar thing happened to me again a few months ago where a man jacked off while watching me swim. Kind of confused about this as they never touched me but put me in a very uncomfortable situation that I didn't give consent to.
Another guy tried to get inside my tent at night at a festival a few months ago too. However the way indian culture see women seem to be very different.
If I ever come back I think I would like a strong man 😂 by my side or just a group of people, to feel more safe and free to do what I want.
Tbh I did bring a kind of pepper spray for protection with me but I didn't use it. -
@Orb Maybe you react on the pea protein in the protein powder?
If you cook dried legumes try soaking them in water over night first.
Peeled mung beans, yellow wax beans, canned lentils and sprouts have been more gentle on my gut. Soaking over night in water is the first step when sprouting stuff.
You were the one feeling great eating meat right? 🙂 What made you switch to a vegan diet?
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Right now I'm focused on breath awareness meditation and Nadi Shodhana in the morning. I feel boredom about the practice but I also feel drawn to more slow focused breathing. I feel tense when doing Nadi Shodhana.
It feels easier to relax with breathing practices when lying down.
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I've been sleeping better this week as I wake up less often at night, it might be because of the Holy Basil.
It would be great if I could wake up earlier. I'm not using an alarm clock in the morning now when I don't have to because it feels too stressful for my body to force myself up when I haven't got enough sleep. So right now I want to focus on going to bed early so that I can wake up by myself early fully rested.
I feel doubt about if I'm even doing things right with all of these healing practices and what I even should focus on. Feels like I'm not doing enough or not the right thing. I just feel so ungrounded and tense.
I wish I didn't need Facebook for events. My intention was to only use it for events that is happening but it is so disturbing to have the app on the phone as it makes me go there out of habit and it feels so off. I think I need to be more intentional and maybe delete or block the app if I'm not using it.
I don't have a computer so I'm only using the phone for everything I do.
I downloaded a minimalist app recently which makes me see only 4 apps, I don't see the icons, only the letters. If I want another app I need to search for it. So far it seem to feel better and less addictive I think.
Today:
Be mindful of emotions and breathe deeply.
Focus on whats most important to prepare for next weeks meeting.
Work out, go for a run.
Go to bed early. -
Last night in a dream a woman dragged out a long thing out of my left ear, like a tissue or something?
The woman told me I need to take this out of my ear otherwise I will bleed, then she continued to look if I had more.
She was also tattooing "The Powerpuff Girls" by my shoulderblades. Not writing it, she actually tattooed the girls. 😂
Then I showed the tattoo to a little girl who was curious. I think we were on a concert waiting for some artist.
I assume the ears was about needing to let go of something emotionally so that it will feel easier to listen to my parents.
I'm not sure what the tattoo means. I used to watch the powerpuff girls when I was a kid. Maybe it was some kind of symbol of empowerment and maybe the little girl was me but as a child?
I feel a lot of worry about the tasks I believe I need to get done and it seems like I don't have time for a lot of things. Not even journaling.
I'm trying to be mindful as much as possible now and take deep breaths. -
Everything will work out perfectly for me today.
I want to feel relaxed, content, hopefulness, happiness and empowerment.
I will start working out again today after a few days rest. I want to run and do some strength exercise for my back and legs.
I feel pessimism right now I think, thoughts about not wanting to be alive comes up regularly.Feeling pretty ungrounded and breath is shallow.
About career path.I think I want to work with something related to wilderness and spirituality.
I want to see if working in the forest with hiking or bushcraft is what I want. I've read about educations like nature guide where I lead a group but I'm not sure if it's right for me.
I helped my landlord with their forest and firewood two years ago but it's not the kind of work I want.I don't want to work alone in the forest.
I could apply for a job without education for next summer by the ski resorts where people hike but I don't think I would get to work with what I want. Also I don't have a drivers license so if I'd go there I would be stuck there the whole summer almost. One good thing though is that you get accommodation there.
I could also work in a store with natural supplements/medicine because it feels like it would come natural to me. I think it would be possible without a special education if I just got to learn from the people working there. My job coach have said it's not easy to get full time and that it's not well paid.
I feel pretty much done living here, I'd much rather travel to a new country and work.
It would also be nice to have a job where I get to travel and not stay in one place.Today:
Acknowledge emotions.
Workout.
Write down what spiritual practices I want to focus on.
Write down what I want to focus on with work and finding new home.GO TO BED EARLY!!!! 21.30.
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I woke up by noon and I've only been watching videos of bears and camping all day. Haven't paid much attention to emotions other than meditation when I woke up.
Feel guilt about this day and it feels like I'm not in control.
Might use emotional scale before bed but the thought of it doesn't feel good.
Maybe I should write down how I can change approach. I don't feel very willing to live life.
I notice I feel guilt anytime I happen to write about feeling sorry for myself, victim mentality or just wanting attention. I believe I shouldn't write about it, but that's mostly because I care about what people think of me. I don't really understand why some think wanting attention is bad.
It would probably be loving to just let me be as I am.
Hoping I will go to bed early as I have a seminar early tomorrow.
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I experience doubt about if I want to write here and what I even want to write. I want to avoid regret, guilt and insecurity after sharing.
Feeling fatigue today and have not been doing much. I don't feel good about being alone again and feels like I'm back in mud pool that feels difficult to get out of.
I've used Holy basil for over a week now but haven't noticed any difference that seem linked with the supplement. It's 750 mg per pill and some days I take 2250 mg.
I don't know what to do now, I think there are a lot of things I should do but I feel very fatigued and I feel like focusing on what feels easy and good. -
I feel so tired becasue I haven't slept much at all, maybe two hours.
Felt a lot of ups and downs at this burn. Soooo much abundance of everything really. Feeling connected and disconnected.
I received a massage TWICE from a massage therapist for like half an hour. Kind of unbelieveble to me how someone actually WANTS to freely massage me for so long. I felt sooo tense by the shoulders and she just hit the perfect spots.
I feel maybe guilt or disappointment about how I binged on ketamine. I don't even like how it makes me feel but wanted to suppress how I felt. I cuddled with a couple that I felt safe with, but felt worry and noticed how my visuals of the people I looked at got scary. I observed emotions and thoughts and it passed eventually.
Most times when using ketamine I've been pretty unresponsible and careless.
I just want to see that I don't need drugs to feel happy and content, when I'm with people who is using. -
I don't really get the attachment to family and worry about them dying, I wouldn't even want to be in contact with anyone in my family if we were not "family"
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I feel so much fucking anger, revenge and irritation about what my dad says to me.
In these moments I don't want to talk to him anymore, he's soon 70 so it's not much time left.
When I'm forgiving and compassionate I feel worry almost everyday about my parents dying, like my mother have already had cancer once. Or just the other day feeling worry and praying that my dad and sister will be safe in the traffic.
I will leave tomorrow anyways for some time so that's a relief.
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I feel dissapointment about the lack of sleep this past week, especially for yesterday and today when I expected myself to feel good for christmas.
I guess it's the thoughts about sleep that have felt bad, but it also seem like the lack of sleep caused the way I feel too.
I have felt so incredibly stressed this week about things I need to get done, it has taken hours to fall asleep and I wake up too early because the body is so restless.
I have done both breathwork & meditation everyday. I've been mindful and taking a lot of slow deep breaths during the day, but I've still felt incredibly stressed. Hopefully it will feel easier today, as I feel a bit calmer right now.
I experienced a very intense dream last night. It seemed like I was completely trapped with no control. The visuals were really strange, no idea what it was, seemed like a human later.
Felt a bit similiar to when friends have been over my body tickling me and not letting me go even though it's so painful I want to cry 😬 but it also felt like knifes on the sides of my ribcage. And when I resisted and tried to get away it felt like the knifes were pushing deeper into the body. Maybe not the same pain as a knife though.
Then I realized there's no way out of this, I have to surrender.
Then a man started raping me and I think I thought I just have to get along with it and pretend to like it, to not make the pain worse. At one point when I didn't resist I think I even liked it, lol.
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I feel worry, sometimes overwhelment, about what I need to get done for next week.
Apply for jobs.
Look for new homes.
Make a call.
Prepare for meeting next week.
Prepare food for Christmas eve.
Clean.
Prepare for a 4-day Burn new years celebration. It will be amazing 🙂
I will manage it, it just doesn't feel good at all and I'm extremely ineffective with so much discord and tension.
I've not been so good with noticing emotions the last couple of days because I've been sitting all day ordering stuff online. Kind of letting the worry eat me alive. 🙂
I think I need to be more disciplined now with acknowledging any emotion or thought that comes up while I focus on these tasks.
I have also ordered Holy Basil that comes next week that I've heard lots of good things about.
I want to let go of all these thoughts about obligatons on christmas eve and around new year. It would also be great if I could get a lot of the things done before friday when my sister and her family comes.
I think what I will focus on tonight is writing down a list of priorities and choose one thing to get done tonight. 🙂
I have also started to listen to affirmations now daily. This channel is great.
https://youtube.com/@Ilivethelifeilove?si=b174lmWHkGkS59Fa
Hesitation, Procrastination, “Stuckness”, Inactivity & The Power of Meditation
in Emptying
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Thoughts about a seperate self?