noomii
-
Posts
365 -
Joined
-
Last visited
Posts posted by noomii
-
-
22 minutes ago, Phil said:
Let’s say you and I are more thoughts. Let’s say you and I are not more thoughts.
In either case, are you aware of the thoughts?
You can add whatever thoughts. Doesn’t matter.
I’m a dinosaur.
Robots are cool.
The sun orbits around earth.
2 + 2 = Cheesecake.
I’m not asking about thoughts.
I’m asking if you’re aware.
No it doesn't seem like it?
-
20 minutes ago, Phil said:
Are you aware of the answer-question “yes”?
I guess no because "you" or "I" are just more thoughts? I don't know
-
2 hours ago, Mandy said:
Taking the focus off what's missing.
How's that working out? Do you like animals?
I haven't made an effort. I told my niece she's so beautiful. I don't think I tried to gain something, felt somewhat irresistible to say it.
I asked one of my sisters if she needed help, I don't think I wanted to help and she said she didn't need help although she seemed overwhelmed.
Yes I like animals
-
3 hours ago, Phil said:
If I say, “you are not aware”, or in your direct experience the thought were to arise, “I am not aware”… are you aware of perception as in the hearing of what’s said (or reading in this literal case), and aware of thoughts, such as “I am not aware”?
Yes?
-
On 5/13/2024 at 4:11 PM, Phil said:
Start with that. Is that true about you?
Not really, but I still think some things doesn't work.
On 5/8/2024 at 10:58 PM, Phil said:How do thoughts about how it’s not working jive with it working?
Do you want me to say things are working and ignore what I think is not...?
15 hours ago, Phil said:Real cliff hanger here. 😅
What about, that you are aware?
Aware of thoughts?
Yes. So maybe one true thing is that I am aware.
I still struggle a lot with the worry and overwhelment and it's taking a toll on the body. I've experienced a lot of pessimism and suicidal thoughts too. Right now I just feel worry or pessimism.
I just really want to resolve the suffering in the most effective and quickest way possible.
-
12 hours ago, Phil said:
I don't know what to say
-
I also think there are several things wrong with me physically that make me feel this way and I have thought that's why spiritual practices are not working. I have thought I need to figure out what needs to be done physically in order to get better. But I feel a lot of doubt around that as I don't know what I need and trying to figure it out feels so discordant.
-
On 5/8/2024 at 11:01 PM, Phil said:
What about just presently?
These thoughts.. about questioning thoughts… can be questioned too.
Question a thought right now feels too difficult as well.
But yes it makes sense that I can question these thoughts about questioning thoughts, if I want to.
-
On 5/10/2024 at 6:10 PM, Phil said:
I’m wondering if letting discordant thoughts go, as in not focusing on them -> believing them -> trying to figure out & solve… is what working is. Maybe that is slowing down, ease, inspired action, feeling better, relaxation, mental clarity, contentment and peace. Maybe the ‘not so good’ / discord of some thoughts conveys this, like in an inherent way. Inherent in how it feels, with no believing, solving, figuring out or even help needed. Or maybe that is the needed help, depending on how you look at it.
Maybe it’s about what you’re beginning.
Maybe this is what overwhelment, frustration, irritation & impatience convey.
It makes sense, I think I already understood that I could resolve all of it if I only were mindful of every thought and emotion or meditated a lot more. But I have thought that it feels too difficult to be more mindful than I am. But I guess that's what I'm not doing enough and why I think it's not working. So now I try to be as mindful as I can everyday and I try to meditate a little bit before every task.
-
On 5/8/2024 at 10:58 PM, Phil said:
How do thoughts about how it’s not working jive with it working?
Not so good
On 5/8/2024 at 11:13 PM, Mandy said:You are the love that you've got in abundance and are trying to cheap out of by being in disappointed in all the infinite variety of healing modalities and tools you have at your disposal. No one is saying you have to use them. Flip the script and ask what you can give.
Ask what I can give to others to take off the focus from me? More often than not I think of what I can get when giving or helping, or out of guilt to make them like me 🙂
-
2 hours ago, Mandy said:
Sure you can. The problem is that everything is given to you, if everything is given to you and there's no problem then there's just appreciation.
What if your true position wasn't one of being in need of all these resources you have in such abundance but actually being the source of them.
Being the source of them how?
-
2 minutes ago, Phil said:
What would working be?
Slow down thought activity, ease, inspired action, feeling better, relaxation, mental clarity, contentment and peace
-
12 minutes ago, Mandy said:
The problem is that you have everything given to you.
I can't see it
-
On 5/7/2024 at 3:13 PM, Phil said:
What would you say to someone who said that?
Question and feel that thought... feels very off though
On 5/7/2024 at 3:13 PM, Phil said:“How does it serve me” vs “how can I be of service to them”. By ‘filling up’ I mean with love.
Yes, makes sense, I have felt too unwell to even be present with them
On 5/7/2024 at 4:36 PM, Phil said:Is your sister the same way? Behaviors and actions dictated by fear?
I don't know
-
2 hours ago, Phil said:
Meditation slows thoughts / thinking down, and the separate self of thoughts is readily noticed.
At this point I really wonder why my morning meditation is not working
-
3 hours ago, Reena said:
@noomii what caused the exhaustion while using the emotional scale! Can you go into more depth about that?
I don't know, maybe the thought that I should go through the whole scale everyday. I try to be gentle and just surrender when going through the scale. When I said that I'm pushing myself I meant that I force myself to do it everyday despite how it feels
-
I want help.
It feels like nothing I do is working.This is pretty much same things I have posted about here before but I feel so stuck.
It feels very difficult for me to get things done and I feel so stressed about it everyday. I'm always behind with everything everyday and I'm always thinking about my endless list of what I should be doing. I feel so much overwhelment about it.
I feel overwhelment about simply shopping clothes and other things I need, it just takes so much time, I don't find what I want and I feel worry about not having done it in time for when I actually need it. Probably sounds silly to some but I have avoided a simple task like that until I realize I really need clothes.
It is the same with all other simple daily tasks that I'm avoiding because I think I don't have time for it, it is just too much to do.
I have just a few things my job coach tells me to do every two weeks and I feel like I'm always behind and a lot of times I don't even do what she tells me to.
I have really tried to make the emotional scale work but after one week of using it daily I'm incredibly exhausted and it just feels like a huge relief to stop using it. Just because Mandy and Phil manages to use it I seem to think there must be something I do wrong. It feels like I'm pushing myself in a way that feels awful because I think I'm not good enough if I don't manage to do it.
I'm mindful of emotions everyday and meditate. But I'm still so ungrounded, I don't breathe properly and I feel so easily stressed. I have used breathing exercises too but that haven't worked.
I have tried to question more thoughts but that is just one more task that I feel worry about getting done and guilt about not doing enough of it.
I feel so bad about how I will start working in june and how I haven't been able to actually relax and enjoy my free time. I think I have so much to do until I start working too, that I won't be able to really enjoy my time left either. I feel worry that I won't get things done in time.
I don't really feel comfortable with my psychologist either. I have met him twice and I haven't got any advice from him yet. It feels like I'm only seeing him because he's the only psychologist they have where I get it very cheap, if I wanted to change I would need to change to a different town and I don't think it's the right time for that.
I feel a lot of pessimism too about all this spiritual work, I hate how it feels endless and that I'm doing it thinking I will be satisfied in a future.I really hate working for money too, I don't feel motivated or inspired to work with something I feel passion about. That feels like an endless hamsterwheel too that will make me feel miserable.
What can I do differently to end this?
-
On 4/22/2024 at 12:38 AM, Phil said:
🙂 Not asking if you know (anything).
Are you aware of these words, this screen, right now?
Sorry for this late response.
Yes I am aware.
On 4/22/2024 at 12:38 AM, Phil said:So “it’s about” allowing interpretations to change, such that they are aligned, yes?
Yes
On 4/22/2024 at 12:38 AM, Phil said:The Truth is unbelievably good, so thinking / believing won’t do. Only feeling will do (and not even).
It’s be nearly impossible to continue to focus on what feels discordant (some interpretations), just like it’d be nearly impossible to hold your hand on a hot stove.
Question also where this ‘self in the future’ (of thoughts) is, presently. 🙂
Yes but I believe I can't acknowledge every emotion and question every thought. If it worked and felt easy to do so I would already do that.
On 4/22/2024 at 12:38 AM, Phil said:Maybe expresses blame but doesn’t acknowledge blame as an emotion.
I guess what I was writing counts as that.
On 4/22/2024 at 12:38 AM, Phil said:Sounds like more of a giving situation than a getting situation currently. Might be best to fill up first.
What do you mean with this?
On 4/22/2024 at 12:38 AM, Phil said:You’re more honest with friends than your sister?
Just a friend? Sounds like there’s more love felt for her, not less.
When I said I feel like I can't be honest with my siblings I meant that I feel like I can't express myself fully and that I need to hold back. I didn't mean that I'm lying to them, although that could happen if I felt fear and want to hide something.
I was that child who was "just telling the truth" but that have always started conflicts.
I'm more transparent with friends.
I didn't mean just a friend, I meant that it seems like there are expectations on me as a sibling, that I should stay in contact with family, whereas with anyone outside the family I think I'm more free to just leave whenever I want.
On 4/22/2024 at 12:38 AM, Phil said:Does love equate to not being honest, maybe seem to based on a past experience / current interpretation?
Maybe sometimes?
I met my sister last week on my walk and she said that maybe we could go to the beach this summer with her children before I leave. I said something like "yeah, sure..." if I were honest I would maybe say "No, sorry I don't feel like it". I think that would start a fire.
-
Thank you! @Phil 🙂
On 4/18/2024 at 9:29 AM, Phil said:Is reactivity, avoidance, resentment & holding judgements digestible… energizing… aligned with well-being?
No
On 4/18/2024 at 9:29 AM, Phil said:Feeling 1st, thoughts 2nd then… yes?
Yes
On 4/18/2024 at 9:29 AM, Phil said:Are you aware?
What else is aware?
I don't know really.
On 4/18/2024 at 9:29 AM, Phil said:It’s a present & discordant interpretation, not a past at all, isn’t it so?
Feeling first makes a lot of sense, as feeling is present and some interpretations resonate & some don’t.
Some interpretations are aligned with health / well-being & some aren’t.
Yes?
Yes.
On 4/18/2024 at 9:29 AM, Phil said:Have you considered the possibility that you’re perfection exactly as you are, perfectly right where you should be?
And the discord / suffering is of some interpretations… and not actually indicative of reality… and therein is why such interpretations feel discordant, and why there are various health issues accordingly?
Does that interpretation resonate or not?
Maybe it’s not even an interpretation.
Hell no or hell yes?
Hell yes, it resonates. I have thought about it but it really seems too good to be true. Doesn't really help to just say it and I forget about it when I'm consistently focused on all the ways I'm really flawed and how it's not possible to make it perfect.
But I'm trying to question it more.
On 4/18/2024 at 9:29 AM, Phil said:Is anyone, any other or entity whatsoever… putting pressure on you?
Or is the pressure actually in the interpretation(s)?
Hell no, or hell yes?
It's how the thought feels like.
I didn't mention it first but I'm avoiding two of my siblings too. It's not just resentment, I honestly don't feel like I want to be in contact with them.
They both have a lot of anger issues, feels like I'm walking on eggshells around them and I believe I can't be honest with them.
My sister is very good at starting conflicts with anyone she meets. Most of the time she seem to feel irritation, anger, revenge, hatred or rage. She doesn't seem to be aware of her own behaviour or take responsibility for it, she mostly blame others.
It gets confusing when we meet at our parents place with her children.
When she's here I only small talk with her and I'm taking distance, because I feel really drained whenever I'm in contact with her.
Sometimes we have have been closer to each other but then I have taken distance again.
I care about her children a lot and wish I could be there for them, they are going through a lot. But it seems like I need to accept that I can't be close to them if I don't want to be close to my sister.
If this were just a friend of mine I think it would be a lot easier to just be honest about where I'm at and have clear boundaries, but I don't think I can be honest with her about this.
I feel doubt about how to even act around her. I just want to feel really clear about what I want and where I stand for both myself and her (and my brother).
I kind of derailed this thread but I wanted express this, sorry about that. If anyone wants to share advice about what's shared feel free to.
-
On 4/16/2024 at 1:47 AM, Phil said:
Sorry for what?
That what’s your fault?
Resentment for what?
Sorry for what?
Sorry for any reactive response, for avoiding him when there is resentment and for sometimes being irresponsible.
Sorry for moving back to them when my health was bad and staying even though none of us want me to be here.
I think avoiding communication have sometimes been good when I have felt a lot of overwhelment.
I feel irritation/anger about what he have said to me, that he don't understand me, that he don't want to understand, that it's my fault for creating the life I have.
He don't seem to understand why I'm so unproductive or what's even going on inside.
I want to let go of the beliefs about understanding and wanting to be understood.
He's kind to me now but I feel resistant about it as there are thoughts saying he doesn't deserve forgiveness, like I'm giving him a free pass when I'm being nice back.
On 4/16/2024 at 1:47 AM, Phil said:What is ‘everything discordant’?
I meant things that impact function in daily life a lot, like a lot of discordant emotions, physical/mental fatigue, digestive issues, eating disorders.
On 4/16/2024 at 1:47 AM, Phil said:Do you want to notice self referential thoughts…
Do you want to be emotionally available…
… and therein feel less distressed and defensive?
Yes.
On 4/16/2024 at 1:47 AM, Phil said:What can you share that is actually true about yourself?
(Not experience, as in thoughts, emotions, memories.)
What’s one thing you can say is true about you?
Nothing?
On 4/16/2024 at 1:47 AM, Phil said:What about a release cry?
Maybe sometimes. I guess it's only possible if one acknowledge & allow what's felt?
I think I feel a lot of disappointment about how my past turned out to be, I've thought it's regret and guilt, but maybe it is disappointment too.
I think I'm many years behind in life and I believe I need to do all the things I want quickly to compensate for all the years.
-
On 4/14/2024 at 9:50 PM, Mandy said:
AWESOME.
Read what you wrote is response to Rose. How does that fit in?
I sometimes become a roomba when thinking of pros and cons, wanting to avoid making a mistake. Now it's more that I don't want to be a still roomba because I think that is the mistake
-
16 hours ago, Phil said:
Make a dreamboard and let it be a catch all for anything you think of, see or experience that you want. Whatever it is, big or small, write it, put a picture of it, whatever you like. It makes the not knowing what you want or want to pursue much easier as it’s more readily clear visually in front of you than “trying to think of it”. Often it gets revealed to you.
Then receive it, and listen to the guidance as you do.
Yes. Alignment first.
I have one but I don't often use it, I usually only feel like I have time for it when I'm in a good mood and feel inspired.
Abraham Hicks have said "if it's not a hell yes, it's a hell no". Which resonates because it feels easy to follow if there is doubt felt, but I also feel doubt about that guidence. What are your thoughts on what she said?
16 hours ago, Phil said:This could be a clue or insight for you to notice. There seems to be focus on avoidance, as opposed to focus on wanted. Noticing the possibility that what’s truly being avoided is the feeling of disappointment stands to dispel a limiting belief, which will also dispel confusion and allow more clarity.
It’s ok to experience disappointment. Reality won’t come to a grinding halt, it’ll keep going, and you’re be all the clearer & more confident for the experience. There will also be a deeper felt communion as well as more discernment.
Imo it would be really worthwhile to explore the avoidance of disappointment. There is likely an interpretation from past experience(s) involving disappointment which presently amounts to ‘getting in your own way’. Looking into that stands to result in alignment of the interpretation, and therein ‘getting out of your own way’.
Did you experience someone disappointing you? Have you addressed that / forgiven them?
Did you disappoint someone? Have you addressed that / apologized / made amens?
Does it ring true that there is a not wanting to feel ‘that way’ (avoidance of disappointment) again?
I find it kind of difficult to identify how disappointment feels like.
I don't remember last time I've felt disappointment about someone, or maybe I haven't been aware of it.
I think my parents feel a lot of disappointment about me.
I have wanted to say I'm sorry for everything to my dad but I feel insecurity about being vulnerable with him and I don't remember last time I said I'm sorry to him.
I feel worry that he might respond in a judgemental or righteous way giving me the impression that, yes, it is totally my fault.
I haven't really acknowledged and let go of all of the resentment around this either.
I think I should say I love you to him but it doesn't feel like I really mean it and that feels hard to say.
With my mom it's easier because I have a habit of saying I'm sorry and I love you to her.
17 hours ago, Phil said:"Feeling a lot of effort’ may be directly related to ‘carrying’ the burden of un-forgiveness and or resentment, of a yet processed early age experience / interpretation / internalization (essentially innocently yet mistakenly identifying based on an experience(s).
As kids, needs & wants are of course very related to parental roles & responsibilities being met & fulfilled. It can be very challenging to reconcile these roles not being met & fulfilled… with that everyone is in fact doing their best. I wonder if there was unprocessed trauma and or addiction, abuse or alcoholism involved on behalf of parents, as in they experienced these. Cycles which weren’t broken, which you’ve inherited, which now stand to be broken.
I don't think I have been abused, other than maybe me and my brother being physically violent to each other when younger.
It's been a lot of conflict at home, it seems like me and my siblings didn't learn much about forgiveness or resolving conflicts so there was a lot of "tension in the air" felt.
My parents seemed to have experienced a worse childhood from what they have told me, meaning their parents were both much more physically/emotionally distant/unavailable and somewhat violent.
My mom experience similiar problems as me but I seem to experience it in a much more intense way, maybe because it's all coming up and out here.
Mom's not a daily drinker but she definitely cope with drinking.
I've been wondering how it's even possible for my siblings to function and live a 'normal life', even though we probably inherited the same beliefs from our parents. I mean why did everything discordant happen to only me and not them.
18 hours ago, Phil said:Did you want / need, at an early age, someone to fulfill a role which by every measure was their responsibility to fill… and essentially - they blew it? If so, sorry, and also, how was it internalized? Unworthiness, not good enough, undeserving, lessor than, unwanted…?
I probably wanted someone to be more present with me emotionally, to allow feeling and comfort me?...
My dad is pretty emotionally unavailable and my mom seem to feel really distressed and defensive when I express myself emotionally (when it's not about her and when I'm wanting support).
Probably have internalized all of the unworthiness etc.
18 hours ago, Phil said:Frustration / irritation / impatience felt lately?
If so, acknowledged?
And what about pessimism?
Felt, noticed, acknowledged?
Have you identified with any of these, as in believe you are… frustrating, irritating, impatient, disappointing / a disappointment?
I have felt all of that but only noticed a little bit of them.
Not sure, maybe that I'm a disappointment.
18 hours ago, Phil said:(Sorry very personal but)… when’s the last time you had a good cry?
That's not too personal.
I had a baby-cry a few days ago and I cry pretty often about smaller things. I used to not cry for longer periods but that is no longer a problem. Why?
-
42 minutes ago, Mandy said:
Like @A Tims analogy of the roomba, you wouldn't want a roomba that's so worried about bumping into a wall that it just sits there and doesn’t begin to explore the room. Allow yourself to explore and make mistakes and intuition, inspiration and curiosity can come online. You'll be blessed no matter what choice you make.
I feel irritation about you writing that for some reason, making me want to say I'm not like that at all. I feel overwhelment about all of this shit
-
1 minute ago, Mandy said:
Why should it matter?
So that I can feel good and avoid any discordant emotion about it
Overwhelment
in Emptying
Posted
I don't know what to reply sorry