noomii
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Posts posted by noomii
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On 4/16/2024 at 1:47 AM, Phil said:
Sorry for what?
That what’s your fault?
Resentment for what?
Sorry for what?
Sorry for any reactive response, for avoiding him when there is resentment and for sometimes being irresponsible.
Sorry for moving back to them when my health was bad and staying even though none of us want me to be here.
I think avoiding communication have sometimes been good when I have felt a lot of overwhelment.
I feel irritation/anger about what he have said to me, that he don't understand me, that he don't want to understand, that it's my fault for creating the life I have.
He don't seem to understand why I'm so unproductive or what's even going on inside.
I want to let go of the beliefs about understanding and wanting to be understood.
He's kind to me now but I feel resistant about it as there are thoughts saying he doesn't deserve forgiveness, like I'm giving him a free pass when I'm being nice back.
On 4/16/2024 at 1:47 AM, Phil said:What is ‘everything discordant’?
I meant things that impact function in daily life a lot, like a lot of discordant emotions, physical/mental fatigue, digestive issues, eating disorders.
On 4/16/2024 at 1:47 AM, Phil said:Do you want to notice self referential thoughts…
Do you want to be emotionally available…
… and therein feel less distressed and defensive?
Yes.
On 4/16/2024 at 1:47 AM, Phil said:What can you share that is actually true about yourself?
(Not experience, as in thoughts, emotions, memories.)
What’s one thing you can say is true about you?
Nothing?
On 4/16/2024 at 1:47 AM, Phil said:What about a release cry?
Maybe sometimes. I guess it's only possible if one acknowledge & allow what's felt?
I think I feel a lot of disappointment about how my past turned out to be, I've thought it's regret and guilt, but maybe it is disappointment too.
I think I'm many years behind in life and I believe I need to do all the things I want quickly to compensate for all the years.
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On 4/14/2024 at 9:50 PM, Mandy said:
AWESOME.
Read what you wrote is response to Rose. How does that fit in?
I sometimes become a roomba when thinking of pros and cons, wanting to avoid making a mistake. Now it's more that I don't want to be a still roomba because I think that is the mistake
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16 hours ago, Phil said:
Make a dreamboard and let it be a catch all for anything you think of, see or experience that you want. Whatever it is, big or small, write it, put a picture of it, whatever you like. It makes the not knowing what you want or want to pursue much easier as it’s more readily clear visually in front of you than “trying to think of it”. Often it gets revealed to you.
Then receive it, and listen to the guidance as you do.
Yes. Alignment first.
I have one but I don't often use it, I usually only feel like I have time for it when I'm in a good mood and feel inspired.
Abraham Hicks have said "if it's not a hell yes, it's a hell no". Which resonates because it feels easy to follow if there is doubt felt, but I also feel doubt about that guidence. What are your thoughts on what she said?
16 hours ago, Phil said:This could be a clue or insight for you to notice. There seems to be focus on avoidance, as opposed to focus on wanted. Noticing the possibility that what’s truly being avoided is the feeling of disappointment stands to dispel a limiting belief, which will also dispel confusion and allow more clarity.
It’s ok to experience disappointment. Reality won’t come to a grinding halt, it’ll keep going, and you’re be all the clearer & more confident for the experience. There will also be a deeper felt communion as well as more discernment.
Imo it would be really worthwhile to explore the avoidance of disappointment. There is likely an interpretation from past experience(s) involving disappointment which presently amounts to ‘getting in your own way’. Looking into that stands to result in alignment of the interpretation, and therein ‘getting out of your own way’.
Did you experience someone disappointing you? Have you addressed that / forgiven them?
Did you disappoint someone? Have you addressed that / apologized / made amens?
Does it ring true that there is a not wanting to feel ‘that way’ (avoidance of disappointment) again?
I find it kind of difficult to identify how disappointment feels like.
I don't remember last time I've felt disappointment about someone, or maybe I haven't been aware of it.
I think my parents feel a lot of disappointment about me.
I have wanted to say I'm sorry for everything to my dad but I feel insecurity about being vulnerable with him and I don't remember last time I said I'm sorry to him.
I feel worry that he might respond in a judgemental or righteous way giving me the impression that, yes, it is totally my fault.
I haven't really acknowledged and let go of all of the resentment around this either.
I think I should say I love you to him but it doesn't feel like I really mean it and that feels hard to say.
With my mom it's easier because I have a habit of saying I'm sorry and I love you to her.
17 hours ago, Phil said:"Feeling a lot of effort’ may be directly related to ‘carrying’ the burden of un-forgiveness and or resentment, of a yet processed early age experience / interpretation / internalization (essentially innocently yet mistakenly identifying based on an experience(s).
As kids, needs & wants are of course very related to parental roles & responsibilities being met & fulfilled. It can be very challenging to reconcile these roles not being met & fulfilled… with that everyone is in fact doing their best. I wonder if there was unprocessed trauma and or addiction, abuse or alcoholism involved on behalf of parents, as in they experienced these. Cycles which weren’t broken, which you’ve inherited, which now stand to be broken.
I don't think I have been abused, other than maybe me and my brother being physically violent to each other when younger.
It's been a lot of conflict at home, it seems like me and my siblings didn't learn much about forgiveness or resolving conflicts so there was a lot of "tension in the air" felt.
My parents seemed to have experienced a worse childhood from what they have told me, meaning their parents were both much more physically/emotionally distant/unavailable and somewhat violent.
My mom experience similiar problems as me but I seem to experience it in a much more intense way, maybe because it's all coming up and out here.
Mom's not a daily drinker but she definitely cope with drinking.
I've been wondering how it's even possible for my siblings to function and live a 'normal life', even though we probably inherited the same beliefs from our parents. I mean why did everything discordant happen to only me and not them.
18 hours ago, Phil said:Did you want / need, at an early age, someone to fulfill a role which by every measure was their responsibility to fill… and essentially - they blew it? If so, sorry, and also, how was it internalized? Unworthiness, not good enough, undeserving, lessor than, unwanted…?
I probably wanted someone to be more present with me emotionally, to allow feeling and comfort me?...
My dad is pretty emotionally unavailable and my mom seem to feel really distressed and defensive when I express myself emotionally (when it's not about her and when I'm wanting support).
Probably have internalized all of the unworthiness etc.
18 hours ago, Phil said:Frustration / irritation / impatience felt lately?
If so, acknowledged?
And what about pessimism?
Felt, noticed, acknowledged?
Have you identified with any of these, as in believe you are… frustrating, irritating, impatient, disappointing / a disappointment?
I have felt all of that but only noticed a little bit of them.
Not sure, maybe that I'm a disappointment.
18 hours ago, Phil said:(Sorry very personal but)… when’s the last time you had a good cry?
That's not too personal.
I had a baby-cry a few days ago and I cry pretty often about smaller things. I used to not cry for longer periods but that is no longer a problem. Why?
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42 minutes ago, Mandy said:
Like @A Tims analogy of the roomba, you wouldn't want a roomba that's so worried about bumping into a wall that it just sits there and doesn’t begin to explore the room. Allow yourself to explore and make mistakes and intuition, inspiration and curiosity can come online. You'll be blessed no matter what choice you make.
I feel irritation about you writing that for some reason, making me want to say I'm not like that at all. I feel overwhelment about all of this shit
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1 minute ago, Mandy said:
Why should it matter?
So that I can feel good and avoid any discordant emotion about it
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22 minutes ago, Mandy said:
It doesn't matter at all which you choose.
Why?
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15 minutes ago, Rose said:
Take out some paper, write out all your options and the cons and pros to each your options. Put importance scores next to each one of your cons and pros. Calculate which option has the highest score.
Do the same thing with all the studies you could potentially do.
No one can tell you what is best for you. Only you know that. Writing things out will give you clarity, which is already what you’re trying to do here.
Ugh yeah I used to think a lot about "pros and cons" in the past regarding decisions but I think it makes me too focused on thoughts and believing there's a good/bad choice
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I feel worry about how I think I need to apply for studies. The last day to apply is tomorrow for most but for some you have more time.
I have an opportunity to get double support with money for one year, not needing to pay it back. But I won't get it if I decide to work, it's just support to get out of unemployment.I just don't know what I want to study.
I don't think I'm capable to read much at all, but that can change. I have looked at more practical studies.
I just feel worry that I will look back to this later and think I made a mistake to not apply for anything.
I think I could look more for studies I want right now, but I just feel a lot of worry and effort about looking for what I want and applying for anything. I just want to avoid all of this because of how it feels, but I don't want to make a mistake.
Is it better to not take action or make decisions when there is doubt or any discordant emotion? To instead focus on alignment, and to let what I want come effortlessly?
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I had my first meeting since january today with my psychologist.
I have repeated the same things and he asked the same things.
I'm not sure if I want to see him but I don't know what to do if I wouldn't.
I have had the worst period pain ever today, I felt so incredibly exhausted and didn't have appetite for dinner.
I feel so incredibly isolated and misunderstood by people around me. I feel really stuck here and that things are not working for me.
Seems kind of obvious that I need to relax and let go but it just doesn't work.
I have also thought that my adrenals are stressed out from chelation, so I thought that's maybe why I feel the way I do and that I need to support them more.
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On 4/2/2024 at 7:59 PM, Mandy said:
The subject of "how I feel", or "how I feel not how I want to feel" is not a subject that you want to focus on too long. Choose an easier subject. Often you'll find that they connect and there are metaphors, symbolism, when you're feeling better because you forgot to think about how you were feeling and just felt better. Let the cork float. Find an easy random subject and write about it.
Thanks! @Mandy
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I don't feel like using the emotional scale anymore. It just feels like a burden everyday. It feels much easier to just acknowledge and allow emotions as they appear.
I don't really understand fully why using the emotional scale is better than that, or if it is.
Either way I don't seem to be feeling better no matter what I do.
I feel kind of desperate wanting help. I don't know what to write, I just feel so much worry.
I want to spend more time questioning thoughts but I feel so much worry and want to relax. I don't want work and effort.
I don't know what to do.
It feels difficult to even write on here because of feeling a lot of worry, breathing shallow and really not thinking clearly. Then I sit and ground myself over and over like now but that doesn't work.
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23 hours ago, Phil said:
It might be clarifying to ‘frame up’ the saying all of those discordant things in the first place as the doing, which is energy zapping & exhausting… while dispelling the belief ‘behind’ the discordant thoughts is actually effortless, aligning, relieving & liberating.
Do you mean the belief behind the discordant thoughts could be "I can't" or "it's too difficult" ?
Is that meant as a belief behind the thoughts?
23 hours ago, Phil said:Feels great or not great?
Why?
True or not true?
Not great.
What comes up is that you have said that what doesn't feel great is not true.
But just hearing that doesn't really change anything if I'm not questioning the belief
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I don't think I'm going on a diet.
I'm going to let go of the rules, tune into feeling and eat intuitively.
I thought about making a list of foods that feel good that I can eat but honestly most food feel off or nauseous, I don't feel drawn to any food that I have in mind.
First meal today I ate some meat with tomato sauce, mushrooms and carrots, broccoli, haricot verts, khol rabi, avocado.
Khol rabi and avocado felt okay but I didn't feel drawn to it. Rest of it I felt nausea by. Meat felt heavy and I felt disgusted by it.
Second meal I ate one brazil nut, one apple, a lot of dates and a little bit of carrots, broccoli, haricot verts.
Brazil nut felt ok but not drawn to it.
Apple felt nausea. Dates felt better than apple but then I felt pain from eating too much. The rest of the veggies I felt nausea.
Not sure where to go from here. I think I'm going to pinterest or youtube for inspiration maybe.
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I have felt so much nausea lately, I really need to change my diet again.
I only ate one small meal yesterday, felt a lot of nausea while eating and then later right after I did the emotional scale stomach acid came up in my mouth.
I don't think I can eat any fruits right now, at least not banana, orange, apples or dates.
I think I'm going to do an anti-fungal diet, but I feel discouragement about it. From my experience it only worked while I was on it and it feels very challenging to exclude so much food from my diet.
I get really confused by people's different opinions about what I should do to heal.
If I just follow what feels good for me then it seems like anti-fungal diet is the closest to what fits me?
I have been tempted to do the medical medium cleanse but I feel a lot of resistance about that.
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On 3/27/2024 at 3:01 PM, Phil said:
Is shame an emotion / felt, or is shame a concept, and there is emotional guidance felt about the concept of shame?
Shame is a concept. It was insecurity that I tried to point to with the word shame.
On 3/27/2024 at 3:01 PM, Phil said:What happens when you attempt to physically point to who you’re talking about?
(The one which hasn’t lived up to expectations, the one which should do, the one that feels ashamed.)
As you’re (allegedly) thinking & saying these self disparaging & inherently discordant things - where is the one these thoughts are about?
Where is the thinker?
No guesswork - actually point to it.
Where is the one who needs?
Point to it.
Where is the one something needs to be proved, to?
Point to it.
Where is the one that avoids?
Point to it.
Where is “the one who tries”?
Point to it.
I don't know, I haven't tried what you said and I don't feel like it right now.
On 3/27/2024 at 3:01 PM, Phil said:What’s guilt ‘saying’ about emotional guidance being for thoughts (not the separate self of thoughts)?
I'm not sure.
I have used the emotional scale daily since the last post. Not always the whole scale. A lot of frustration. But I'm trying to be more relaxed and I'm more open to letting go of the resistance to using it.
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12 hours ago, Phil said:
How so?
Because I haven't lived up to expectations and what I believe I should do, I feel ashamed to even share about it.
Then I feel worry thinking I need to prove my worth with taking more action.
Then I feel overwhelment and avoid action.
Then the cycle repeats with guilt.
I'm going to try out the emotional scale again
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48 minutes ago, Phil said:
What is one emotion felt?
About what's said there it's guilt I think
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On 3/23/2024 at 3:14 PM, ThePoint said:
It's only up to you decide whether it was worth it or not. I'm not implying anything here.
Try this as an alternative exercise to the meditations listed on the website, it doesn't have to take much time and will be more efficient than battling with a need to relax or stop thoughts-flow;
1. Close your eyes and scan your body. Notice how you're feeling.
2. Feel love for the feeling exactly the way it is. Feel love for the power in the feeling.
3. Feel love for yourself feeling that love and feeling that power.
When you're willing to see more fully from your open heart and from the place of empowerment it's easier to remember that you're the creator of your World and all its unlimited abundance 👊
As to my suggestion to look for a practitioner worth working with... I generally meant that it would be someone who would help you with your symptoms should you choose to call them that, your thoughts and emotions, generally anything else that might cause some clog in a flow of your experience so to speak. He/She would help you with the entirety of it, not a single aspect, as it usually wouldn't work anyway.
Nothing wrong with going to many schools and trainings like the lady you've worked with did. It's always double edged though. It might as well imply that she's still looking for an answer as to how to do what she wants to do seeking external validation or putting multiple bodies of knowledge in front of her helplessness.
Or it might imply that she's continuously developing in her craft. Or it could mean anything else for that matter.
Generally, you can have an easier time finding someone matching your needs knowing what sort of healing path they are going/have went through.
Thanks 🙏
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On 3/24/2024 at 4:47 PM, Phil said:
Then who is saying it?
Sorry I don't know why I replied like that to the question.
I don't know who is saying it or who the the thought is about.
On 3/24/2024 at 4:47 PM, Phil said:What does the term “separate self of thoughts” point out?
What I believe is me I guess
On 3/24/2024 at 4:47 PM, Phil said:Can you leave the present?
No
On 3/24/2024 at 4:47 PM, Phil said:What is reactivity, or reactionary thoughts?
Unacknowledged thoughts?
When I've used the scale I've been mindful of how these thoughts about the scale feels like. But I've not been relaxed, I've been tense, having tics and not still.
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On 3/23/2024 at 2:05 PM, Phil said:
Are you the one saying that, or the one that is about?
The one that is about.
Have you been able to use it as a daily habit without feeling like it's full of effort? (Starting from the lower end of the scale and all the way up)Usually when I start a new habit I start with a very small step and slowly do more of it each day, which makes it feel easy as I get used to it. I have tried that with emotional scale but from what I remember it felt like a burden when doing that too.
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15 hours ago, Phil said:
Yes exactly. Meditation as a practice is fundamentally… shifting attention / awareness from thoughts to perception and or sensation / feeling.
If that is overly challenging don’t force or push through meditation. Take it as there is something to be expressed and released, and express and release.
The emotional scale can also be very insightful. Not to imply there are, but as an example, there could be thoughts about how meditation isn’t going to help, resolve something or essential, ‘work’. Acknowledging pessimism in that example is acknowledging feeling / emotion as guidance for thoughts.
Most fundamentally all one ever actually cares about is how one feels. If there are pessimistic thoughts, and the emotion pessimism isn’t acknowledged, the thoughts will continue to be self referential and therein elusive as they’re assumed & believed to be about self. The aspect of that the thoughts are actually about a second or separate self, goes unnoticed. In this way acknowleding emotions is like giving the thoughts landing strips so the cycling / repeating of the thought and the discord comes to rest… which feels better. Much like it boredom feels slightly better than pessimism, and contentment feels slightly better than boredom.
I have given up on the emotional scale, it just takes so much effort to maintain it as a daily habit 😕
Also if one says "relax" while meditating (basic relaxation), isn't that just contributing to thought-activity? I have skipped that part.
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23 hours ago, Phil said:
Body scan is a more active meditation.
For just straight relaxation try this one.
https://www.actualityofbeing.com/basic-relaxation
Train the body so to speak, to recognize contraction and de-contraction. Make and hold a fist very tightly contraction wise for at least 10 or 20 seconds, and then feel the relief & gravity as you unclench / de-contract the fist.
Focus is like the sun. It’s shining. There could be clouds (thoughts) about shining it or not shining it, shining it a little or a lot… and it’s shining just the same, without any intention or effort needed either way.
With focus out of the equation, when tensing up happens see what other phenomenon (thoughts, emotions, sensations, etc) coincide & correspond with the tension.
As far as if it’s right not to care about thoughts… there’s just no getting around right & wrong being… thoughts.
As far as letting go of trying to relax - yes, most definitely. There is also relaxing without thoughts about doing (the relaxing).
I've been doing my body scan like the instruction that you shared.
Maybe it's just about letting go of all these thoughts about meditation and feeling sensation.
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On 3/9/2024 at 7:46 PM, ThePoint said:
That's the thing with the word 'holistic'. It's the most misused word these days. Rather than meaning all-encompassing, it's being used to describe non-conventional, or frankly uneducated/with no qualification. All of the 'methods' Phil linked above as ' cathartic healing modalities' people would refer to as holistic modalities, none of which is holistic.
A random person can go to a Reiki class and call themselves a holistic therapist.
If you were to look for one you'd have to make sure you're going to someone worth working with.
She had gone to several different schools & trainings. I met her at a functional medicine clinic where they do comprehensive testing.
The protocols she shared with me didn't work for me, I don't know if it means she was not worth working with.
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🙏❤️
Would not say I'm quick to respond, definitely nothing personal 😂
On 3/11/2024 at 9:17 PM, Phil said:Relaxation wise… simply acknowledge gravity… and sink into it. Bring whatever thoughts resonate to mind, like ‘let go’, ’relax’, etc. One that works efficiently btw is ‘sleep’. Like, literally just… fall asleep right now. You wont actually (you might idk) but the responds to the thought favorably / relaxation wise. From a mental standpoint, ‘getting some of these thoughts out of the way’, like that there’s a right or wrong way of expression… contributes to more ease of relaxation. As you continue to unfetter of discordant thought and express emotions… relaxation won’t be an issue. Ineffably it’s more like, “ok, there’s 100 things I want to do, and I only have time for 5 today, so which are the highest most resonating preferences”.
I do body scan now, either the muscle don't relax or it tense up later again. I'm not trying to relax, I just let it happen naturally while I keep focus, but it doesn't.
Sometimes when I try to have a very relaxed approach to meditation I focus a lot less because it seems like when I focus I tense up.
Is it right to just go back to focus, to not care about any thoughts about relaxation/tension and just let the tension be? Instead of trying to relax?
Pressure about studying
in Careers, Entrepreneurship, Finances and Money Management
Posted
Thank you! @Phil 🙂
No
Yes
I don't know really.
Yes.
Hell yes, it resonates. I have thought about it but it really seems too good to be true. Doesn't really help to just say it and I forget about it when I'm consistently focused on all the ways I'm really flawed and how it's not possible to make it perfect.
But I'm trying to question it more.
It's how the thought feels like.
I didn't mention it first but I'm avoiding two of my siblings too. It's not just resentment, I honestly don't feel like I want to be in contact with them.
They both have a lot of anger issues, feels like I'm walking on eggshells around them and I believe I can't be honest with them.
My sister is very good at starting conflicts with anyone she meets. Most of the time she seem to feel irritation, anger, revenge, hatred or rage. She doesn't seem to be aware of her own behaviour or take responsibility for it, she mostly blame others.
It gets confusing when we meet at our parents place with her children.
When she's here I only small talk with her and I'm taking distance, because I feel really drained whenever I'm in contact with her.
Sometimes we have have been closer to each other but then I have taken distance again.
I care about her children a lot and wish I could be there for them, they are going through a lot. But it seems like I need to accept that I can't be close to them if I don't want to be close to my sister.
If this were just a friend of mine I think it would be a lot easier to just be honest about where I'm at and have clear boundaries, but I don't think I can be honest with her about this.
I feel doubt about how to even act around her. I just want to feel really clear about what I want and where I stand for both myself and her (and my brother).
I kind of derailed this thread but I wanted express this, sorry about that. If anyone wants to share advice about what's shared feel free to.