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Reality is a Sphere and I'm Here


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Hi, this is my journal, I'm so goddamn pissed off. 

I was feeling sad and thinking of ending my own life! Then I got jealous of others who have what I want, now im feeling mad and it feels good. 

I want revenge, I want to prove everyone wrong, I want to just grind!


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Dropped labels, no more labels. 

No more diets, no more personalities. 

There's only expression, no relationships. 

Nothing left to be. 

Had some food and I'm feeling like a more functional human being.

My brain is outta wack, wait it's not my brain, it's feeling. Feelings outta wack .

I'm a baby in the womb, blind, no senses. 

"I" simply reach to what feels good in my blindness, like a newborn baby getting that good ol milk without knowing how.

Things are getting easier, just reach to better feeling, be blind, don't know, just go. 

Oh shit, everything IS working out!

I love you. 


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12 hours ago, Orb said:

Dropped labels, no more labels. 

No more diets, no more personalities. 

There's only expression, no relationships. 

Nothing left to be. 

Had some food and I'm feeling like a more functional human being.

My brain is outta wack, wait it's not my brain, it's feeling. Feelings outta wack .

I'm a baby in the womb, blind, no senses. 

"I" simply reach to what feels good in my blindness, like a newborn baby getting that good ol milk without knowing how.

Things are getting easier, just reach to better feeling, be blind, don't know, just go. 

Oh shit, everything IS working out!

I love you. 

Resonating a lot with your word 🙏🙏

"These nursing babies are like those who enter the kingdom." - Jesus

"Happiness is the absence of distance between our self and our feelings." - Rupert Spira

We are so innocent 💚 just like babies and flowers. Don't mind us, just reaching for the boob, for the sun. Nothing wrong with that, it's just how it is when you stop resisting.


There must be an effortless way.

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Taking note of what I want my lifestyle to be! 


What is wanted:


-Green Tea


-2 Meals + 1 Shake a Day


-Sexual Transmutation

-Learn Reiki

-Complex Carbs


My life is what I do on a daily basis, if the things I do daily dont feel good (Porn, Drugs, etc.), then I simply turn water into wine. 


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Im excited to bounce back and go forward with my life. Im learning the power of self-efficacy which is knowing that I am able to handle the basic needs of life. 


Been reading this awesome book called the five pillars of self esteem, so far its life changing in the way im viewing my life/actions. Getting inspired to set up a good at home gym and lift weights at home. My bodys mostly fit, the only thing really is setting up that consistency and making weightlifting/cardio a more regular thing. 


Learned the importance of bringing empowerment/joy into the workplace, and that how I act in the workplace is the kind of career I will have. For example, if I conduct myself in such a way that my work is responsible/professional/passionate and I embrace that i am the man, then people will feel that.


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Right now im feeling a bit in between the feeling of discord and excitement/joy. Today was a very good day, it gave me hope. To realize that it is possible to actually feel good for the majority of the day is great. Its like a ratio before it was 80% feeling off and 20% feeling good, today was the reverse. Mostly feeling good but just a few behaviors that felt off still, Ive learned the power of transmutation, its just moving the energy, keeping the gas or fuel of Joy and realizing the joy can still be there regardless of what behavior patterns are unfolding. 


Currently feeling the effect of substances on the body, its all really painful but the quick pleasure in the beginning masks it. Its time to listen to the body and actually let go of these behaviors. Tomorrow morning its done, all the behaviors will be transmuted, hell yeah im excited. Tomorrow I can turn the knob a lil bit and have a 90% feeling good 10% feeling off day, maybe even hit 100%. 


I learned the joy in the work im doing, and that it is always about helping people deep down, every job we do actually helps people no matter what, even if you work at fast food restaurant its still helpful as it temporarily relieves the stress some people go through. After working out today im feeling stronger, I can feel the increased vitality in this body already, it feels really good to feel my muscles getting stronger and improving my posture, confidence, expression.


Its been a few days since ive formally meditated, im gonna start doing that throughout the day, although the sense of spaciousness and increased sensitivity still remains it is quite nice to be able to sit for periods of the day resting just like all the wise/wild animals. The buddha sitting and meditating is like a lion laying down and being at complete rest after a long day of hunting, its just another expression of Life/Love. Meditation doesnt get you anything because it is itself just another expression of the Self/Non-Self, so meditation paradoxically becomes its own beautiful craft and a natural part of Life - but it has nothing to do with getting enlightened. 


At this point, been feeling the synchronization of all sensation, its all synchronized - a "closed loop". The silence is nothing, the sounds are nothing, because theres nothing anywhere, lol nothings anywhere and nothings graspable because its all the everything/nothing. Its like artwork trying to grasp itself but its really just the canvas expressing itself. I cant even believe all this lol. 


Been noticing the wave arising from the ocean, thought activity arising out of reality itself. 


Noticing the Truth of Expression, theres something so warm and loving about it, like every sensation is expression, and theres something so loving about it. 


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Today I declare I do not vape, do pmo, or get high. That was the past and its over with, I indulged in some thc and nicotine today but I threw out my vapes a few mins ago and have stopped, suddenly while using them it hit me that this is over and I just threw them out. 


Began taking CBD and it helps a lot with daily functioning and also getting over thc. Im also gonna be drinking green tea instead of coffee for now on, I like green tea quite a bit, it has a friendlier/smoother vibe than coffee imo. I enjoy seeing the green liquid in a nice cup and seeing the steam blowing from it in the air. I am excited to continue the unveiling of beauty that is life. Ive been going to church for a while and while I found it boring and sometimes inspiring, I realized it was a manifestation of all my judgements/fears that was attracting the church into my life. Soon I will be leaving the church completely. 


Im gonna get started with my real estate course and take the full plunge, I KNOW that this is the chapter of my life when I start making large amounts of money and living independently. I will be getting a nice house somewhere over here, then after some time passes and Ive made enough money, most likely Ill be moving to NYC, I love NYC! I want to invest in real estate and make shitloads of money from it, I wanna set up a real estate brokerage and further automate my richness by getting paid residual commission. Im not sure, but there must be a way to have those things up and running and to be able to live in NYC and still get paid. Once im in NYC who knows whats next, I actually want to own property in NYC and where im living right now. Itll be so cool to alternate to operating over here and in NYC, I think thats the way I wanna go in my life. I love both the city and the suburb/beachy environments. 


I dream of being able to take lengthy vacations in one of my properties and take psychedelics or just do solo retreats. I like how im feeling lately, every aspect of my life is being filled with responsibility and care. 




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Meditations been getting deeper, more deeper into feeling. Its fascinating the whole spiritual process, theres almost like a step by step process of confusion.


Felt so deeply into meditation beyond gravitational forces and into pure energy, when the pure energy is felt its like electricity moving all around, through the body, through and as all things. The body itself is energy, the heart beating is energy, its beautiful because every "thing" looks the same but wham just the energy, the void. 


Although this has been a great unveiling still there is discord when it comes to lifestyle habits, still letting go of some off feeling stuff in order to move on to healthier habits. 


What is the suffering thats going on with this pattern of feeling off in regard to lifestyle habits? What feels most resistant? 


  • The first thing that comes to mind is the pain of no longer doing it, theres definitely discordant thoughts circled around the pain of moving on. 

It appears that the thinking about letting go of these lifestyle habits is itself discordant, in that it makes it all into such a big deal. 


So its not just the thought about the pain of leaving that feels off, but any thought about it as something that has to be taken care of or that it is hurting me is discordant.


I mean holy shit! Isnt that what is really wanted? Not to just quit something, rather to completely forget about it. Like if I let go of something, I want to actually let go of it lol, in all Dimensions (Emotion of discord, thought about that habit, etc.) .


When I thought to let go of things in the past, it was always about stopping it in action, but also its essential to also let go of thoughts about the thing. Holy shit, thoughts really are things. 


So the first real step is letting go of the thoughts that are discordant about that "thing". Whatever sensation is occuring has NOTHING to do with the discordant thoughts about perceived sensation.


Sensation has become more electric, sensation is just light, the energy. 


Feeling deeper into sensation and unveiling a sweeter surprise, when the energy is felt then it is noticed that there is a magical force, the unchanging changing feeling. Feels a lot like the word FLOW. 


Will continue to go deeper into feeling!


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The power of focus has unveiled itself, lots of joy!


Thought has always been "Awesome life with everything thats desired!....But the people are suffering and theres craziness!".


Its ALL about just having what is wanted to be in focus, like holy shit theres just whats there. Oh my fucking god!!! 😃


Surrendering discordant thinking is the way, holding on to discordant thinking is the essence of arrogance/egotism. The victim and attacker are the same!


Oh god just had it! Im trying to remember the pieces that were being put together........


Goddamn that was like a universal download or something because those insights feel so good but I myself dont even know what point im getting to here...


Why is holding onto discordant thinking arrogance/egotism? 


That was freaky, those insights feel so right but I dont know why theyre right, I have no answer coming to the question. Im just gonna stick with that inspiration!


Oh wait aha! Holding onto discordant thinking is arrogance because its all about winning the battle or being right. Surrendering discordant thoughts means to just let them go completely, burn all the evidence of them! Nothing left! 


Then surrender allows receiving, receiving allows the energy to flow smoothly with no resistance, the energy flowing smoothly then allows for inspired thoughts (gentle waves in the ocean ;). 


Why is there the off feeling at all? 


Well, the energy is harmonious, its gonna function harmoniously anyway, its all electric! Its all sensitive. The "OFF" feeling is the electricity purifying itself..oo that feels right....pain is just another form of harmony....its just another form of source harmonizing (dont know if that word was used correctly but fuck it).


Its constantly harmony, it feels good when the middle path is followed, the middle path doesnt mean shit... that good feeling is the real deal though! 


So theres something that feels good when theres a smooth flow in activity, not going too far or too inward.


The off feeling is healing, like the pain of drug withdrawal is actually healing. The off feeling is just source fixing itself, not actually fixing more like gently guiding itself. 


Sensation guidance is real, Its no longer believed but seen. 


There can be struggle, or resisting the energy ... and the offness felt is source purifying that resistance. That offness is so similar to physical pain that its often confused to be pain, pain is healing, offness is healing too. 


Discord has a feeling of "push", its a signal like pain to stop hurting. 

Edited by Orb


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I'm in love with this! I feel so good by myself when I'm able to deconstruct, understand, and enjoy thoughts!


I'm gonna just chill and write whatever here, we'll I've been doing that this whole time already lol. 


I want to be making 6 figures, I know the real estate stuff is the right step, i see the fun in working on my own time but still being responsible!


I wanna wake up at 6am and have a whole morning ritual until 10am, then from 10am to 7pm I can have fun working and them go home and sleep. 


I wanna be doing stuff all day then going home to sleep, my house will mainly just be my resting spot but on certain occasions I'll stay for a few days or work from home.


There's a lil blockage felt right now...hmm what is it? 


Man I love myself so much! 😊 it's so loving to just express thought and have it be reflected, didn't know Journaling felt so good. I'm my own best friend.


I care, I can see all the love, wow maybe I felt embarrassed my whole life to admit I'm in love with myself 😅


Wow, my hearts opening up right now! I tried to distance myself away from you source but I will stop pretending I'm afraid of you or that I am separate from you, I love you ❤.


Love is beautiful, Love Is a nobody haha, love is so full yet it's lifeless, a robot that feels infinitely deep!


Love Is a closed loop! That's why Journaling feels so good. 


When I am aware that you hear me source, I feel good, because we are a closed loop ❤. The sound isn't separate from the ears.


Feels like I'm reaching out to you source, I can feel my heart opening to you ready to receive all your guidance, how could I ever do anything? 


I can do anything! When my heart is opened to you.


Self love is beautiful, mechanical machine-like, yet a deep love. No one's doing anything but it feels good so the gears are turning smoothly!


The unchanging changing is rhythmic, it's moves in rhythms, amazing.


Holy fuck! In direct experience every fucking thing has a rhythm!!


Hahahaha of course! It's all energy! Brain orgasm happening right now!!!


Oh my God, you're obviously energy! I can't fucking believe it! 


This whole time I've listened to music and never got the joke hahaha. It's all rhythm.


I understand that when the fear of losing you comes up I'm actually running away from you source, and I'll always listen to your guidance 🙏.


Oh man, I can feel the energy vibrating all over, electrical circuits, your infinite energy joyously pulsating, the Infinite Heart.


You allow there to be emptiness, so you can joyfully fill it with love 🙏.


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Theres so much craziness going on in the world and I am disillusioned with every single belief system or solution thought up by the thinker. 


Felt hurt earlier seeing that most of the planetary population of humans is just following the matrix, if there is egotism then there will always be violence, it only takes on more complex forms. 


Source knows the answer to all this in feeling, Im gonna bring some of that inspiration and let the guidance flow through, journaling really helps me to keep track of thoughts and not veer off. 


What is the solution to all this chaos? 


Patience is definitely part of the strategy of us remembering we are the creators. It will have to be a patient process of everyone waking up. Jesus was a wise man and very courageous, he really died for "us". Im filled with gratitude for your contribution Jesus, you knew the message would be spread...compliments to the chef (Source of course). 


Even in the most painful of times, flowers blossomed in the forest, thank you Jesus, Siddhartha, Mohammed, and all the flowers that blossomed before. You guys had balls! 


People are awakening, never before has there been so much more talk about peace amongst people, the human population is beginning to accept LGBTQ people and let go of racism. The old generations are fading away and our generation will have its peak point, during which we will offer the greatest contribution that we have for the betterment of the world, then we can fade away and give everything to the next people. 


In all the fucked up places I see flowers blossoming, people feeling hope, people healing. Humans are immeasurably powerful, so miraculously powerful, we can heal and do all kinds of magical things when we allow the energy to flow and stop trying to prevent the inevitable.


When I find the pieces of goodness in all the madness I feel I am closer to you source. With each thought of the true goodness of mankind I feel closer and closer to you. 


When I stop trying to impose, and instead receive I feel closer to you. 


There are no people or teachers, theres only you source, I see that now. 


One day in history a single person had the vision of controlling the masses and stuffing up on all the pleasures of life no matter how sadistic. 


If that was once a single persons vision then I know that one person also had a vision that was aligned with you, and that started the process of us remembering you. 


You dont talk much source, youre very quiet 😂.


Confusion/fear is the root of all war and chaos, so when I focus on war/violence/injustice, I am taking part in perpetuating the confusion of mankind. 


When my vibrational eye is centered in you source, then everything makes sense, I mean shit sense is everything.


Everyone has the choice to reach for you, to be still in you. 


The way to help people is to point them only to you source. 


When I am centered and open to you, I am empowered and a pillar of light in the storm of confusion.


All of the Love puppets were right! All that matters is being aligned with you, thats the only step. 


Why are the love puppets turned into "Spiritual Teachers"?


Seems like "people" eventually make it about "me" or "that guy" and not on you source. Sometimes they even create an idol out of you and impose their own views on it. 


Make no mistake source, I know youre a nobody, youre funny asf too!


Hahaha, you know everything is perfectly fine! Youre guiding me effortlessly into perfecting this artwork. 


Ive listened, and an inspired thought arose, "Only focus on Source.". Thank you for arising. 


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Today was a good day. I see you everywhere source, if focus is put on any sensation, I see the eternal wave taking different forms, disguising itself. 


Whats left here? 


The pure energy is felt and its beautiful.


Letting go of consciousness itself, transcending it. Its clear that consciousness is the beginning of all this confusion actually, consciousness is the base of the thinking mind. Consciousness is the hardest thing to let go of, everyone sweeps it under the rug. To let go of consciousness is to let go of credibility for the TV screen of the universe, it is no ones show, not even god. 


Noticing right now that I want to own consciousness, keep it for myself, consciousness can be let go of. Its a subtle feeling, at subtle levels of feeling I see that the identification with consciousness is blocking the full loop of energy. Consciousness-Identification is a sneaky devil, because consciousness is not a person or anything in the realm of knowledge, so the thinker puts on the blanket of consciousness to keep running the show.


The belief that there is any consciousness whatsoever is discordant, but the discord is very subtle. 


Holy shit, letting go of consciousness means the end for EVERYTHING!


To just be ordinary, no longer even conscious, but just another animal in the forest. To just surrender 100% and be clueless.


Thought does not generate anything, it is only a manifestation of energy, thought cannot make energy, it is the energy itself.


Shit gets alien here, like an alien language. When thought is aligned with feeling it has nothing to do with any-thing, its just how this stuff works, like the gears are running smoothly and stuffs lighting up, the mansions, sex, money, etc. are only the physical manifestations, the gears turning smoothly is the real deal.


Consciousness itself is the final belief to be let go of, I can see that fully melting into the energy and letting go of consciousness really is the end. 


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Re-aligned with the vision, woke up today, hit my vape then felt into the sensations deeply and somehow fully reconnected with the awesomeness of life. 


If the heart center is felt into and it empties out, source just pours itself in it automatically. So its not about thinking positively or using effort in anyway, all thats needed is the opening of the heart center, the rest is automatic.


I can feel that excitement slowly building up as I connect with that feeling excitement/nostalgia. 


Gonna take it easy today and just have fun with it.


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Ah I fell into vaping and stuff again lol. This is a good time to journal. 


What is it that causes me to fall off? 


-Well I didnt meditate this morning. Meditating in the morning allows me to be in contact with source with steadier thoughts, meditating in the morning is important. Im gonna go back to doing something fun before I meditate, I got lazy due to not wanting to workout in the morning. 


Right now im feeling a bit misaligned, theres that slight dense feeling in the chest area. Self-Sabotage can stop. 


I dont think its self sabotage but an issue of momentum. Today im gonna contemplate on how momentum works this will be fun. 


What is momentum? Momentum is an increase of movement over time, when momentum increases that means the movement is getting more and more intense. 


So im in this situation due to vibrational momentum, the movements have gotten so intense that it happening unconsciously. 


How can I shift the momentum to what serves me? How do I switch from this life with unhealthy habits to a beautiful life?


Hm, what is the cause of the unhealthy habits in the first place? I can say it stems from childhood, there was a pain that began, a pain that led me to over eat and that was the start of the anxious behaviors, so theres an anxiety still present now thats existed since that point in the past. 


Im gonna look into the inner child, thats what it must be. 


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Infinite love unveiled itself last night, cannot stop repeating it im a robot, this shit is fun, thanks source me you whatever man fuck it.


Nothing left to do except non-do, non-did laundry earlier today, non-washed dishes earlier today, it all non-happened. 


Primordial Polarity of existence tells me im not me, just you haha, sike, tells me im neither and both at the same time, wait not at the same time!


We can do this forever source! We cannot do this forever source, I hate you, I love you, none of this makes sense, it all makes sense, this is all just nonsense.


Stream of consciousness woohoo! Listen to the ocean bitches, listen real close! Nothing there, Love IDK wtf you are but I am you, I AM GOD I have ascended to the highest level of consciousness beyond all teachers, sike thats all bullshit ha you almost fell for it!


For the first time I have no clue what im doing and I admit it, always thought I was doing, wait who am I talking about? Oh shit the separate self is here, POLICE! Catch him, he went that way! Stupid ego, always running away, haha sike I love you man come over here, melt into this source, its all amazing and beautiful, and ugly and horrifying levels of consciousness, okay fine thats the last time I mock Leos "GOD IS TERRIFYING!" bullshit. I love LEO LEO is me, LEO is blank. 


Im a blank, this is all nonsense. Hey you reading this...yea YOU, what are you doing here? Mind your own business you nosey person! Hey source, get this person reading this post! Make sure you take good care of them! 


Yea thats right you better run, just kidding welcome buddy, youre me and I am you, I am not you or me, leave me alone, no wait come back. 


Oh yea hey you reading this, you dont know me and none of the stuff you read here will tell you who/what I really am, youll never KNOW me forreal. 


You know why, because you dont know anyone, anything, you do know everything, dont take me seriously, dont listen to that guy hes wrong, no listen to me! 


I dont know why I posted this, yea I know why, no forreal IDK why, come on I know why, I dont know, I know, argh stop! No you stop! 


Hey enough of this! AHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!


That was real clarifying. 😊


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