Reality is a Sphere and I'm Here

[Orb]

Orb never existed, so simple and nothing even happened. 

 

Holy shit! Awesome.

 

Nothing makes sense, nothings happening. Thoughts of knowing expression are dreams. Expression isnt real, nothings real. 

 

But it can seem so!

 

No way to share, sharing isnt actual. 

 

No way to explain this, as nothing happened. 

 

Not a single thing will touch it. 

[Orb]

AHHHHHH!!! I feel alone in all this, man this shit sucks. 

 

Im feeling paranoid, alone, lost, confused. Things are coming along great, at the same time feeling like crap, hate this feeling of being alone in this. 

 

I cant make friends with people because I fear connection, I always isolated myself in the past. I always put myself in isolation and block myself from others. I can accept the love, but thats such generic bullshit. 

 

I always feel like im gonna die, no fucking joke, everyday I feel weird sensations in my body and I just assume my time is coming, could just be paranoia. 

 

It feels so fucking annoying to say all the generic positive shit, like so forced. Its not the end of the world. I based all my life on circumstance, not faith. 

 

How can I just accept that everything is gonna be okay and is already okay, im too stubborn, its annoying to be positive!

 

The non dual awareness changes nothing, so what about all the life here, its still appearing as this mess. This fucked upness is the point. 

 

I am healing though, feeling better, I was feeling great today.

 

Ive established a splendid morning routine and my mornings get me high asf. Its great being in the sun in the morning, those moments are like little tastes of the life I want, that feeling more and more. 

 

Im tired of looking at instagram and seeing people my age thriving in the world, I feel like a lonely weirdo, I have my moments though, sometimes im invincible, sometimes I see that people think im fucking awesome, I cant believe it honestly. 

 

Ive seen people who seem like they have it all figured out, then they tell me theyre inspired by me, like what the fuck. I dont know the point of all this, I feel meh. 

 

I hate investigating emotions, I created a whole post on the emotional scale and I fucking hate it, im dropping F-Bombs like crazy!! 

 

Emotional expression works, I hate that it works!!!! I hate things that are established!!! I hate things that just work!!! 

 

I hate following people, rules, idols, scales, etc. It really pisses me off, part of the reason I dont like to receive guidance, I dont like positioning things or people as above me and that I have to live in accordance with that, im really rebellious. 

 

The emotional scale works, I hate it!! Wish I could tear it to pieces, arrrgghh!

 

Why do I hate it? This investigation shit is so contrived and fake, I hate it too! Im just following a script here, a script made for the nondual seeker. 

 

Well fuck it! Im doing improv from now on motherfuckers!!!! 😡

 

I hate how much of a mess I am, yes I know self referential thoughts, well im stubborn. This story is bullshit, its all bullshit, how can I trust anyone or anything?! Who the fuck knows anything, I dont think anyone knows anything!!! But how do I know that! 

 

All those people "out there" why cant they admit how fucked up they are, why do I feel so alone, like im the only one with this inner world of chaos and confusion. Feel like im drifting off into madness, ah im being dramatic, argghh!

 

Why am I so in the dumps? How come I see people just living and doing okay, I feel so fucked up. Like so deep into myself, it hurts. 

 

I dont want to listen, Ive lived my whole life like this, im feeling crappy! 

 

How do I listen? 

 

None of this shit is even helping, journaling is supposed to help expression and I dont feel better at all!!

 

This is bullshit!

[Orb]

It does help actually, feel like im gonna cry, im gonna draw and cry.

[Orb]

I think the time has come for meditation!

 

But oh my fucking god, theres always some days with family shit where I cant meditate because I gotta leave home early as fuck and dont have time to meditate, fuck!!!!!!!!!

 

Im a 50 Megaton F-BOMB!!!!

 

Imagining a giant mushroom cloud but instead its "FUCK!!!". 

 

My humors so dumb 😭

 

Edited July 2, 2022 by Orb

[Orb]

Oh my goodness I hate you meditation!!!!
 

Whyd you have to be so goddamn boring!!!!!??????

[Orb]

This is it guys, this is real self help, fucking lunatics trying to be happy!!!!

[Orb]

Why dont people share this kinda shit!? 

 

Pussies!

[Orb]

Oh my Leo.... it's actually working haha! 

 

The flames of anger have burnt out. 

 

Now I may rest in the ashes of discouragement 😔😴.

[Orb]

And no more of this "I" shit. You hear that ego? I'm coming for you!

 

 

[Orb]

That was cringe ❤️

[Phil]

Exercise?

[Orb]

@Phil I've been exercising, actually worked out every morning for 4 days in a row, my mornings have actually been improving. 

 

I'm doing cardio on my bike combined with deep breathing on weekdays, and once I get better adjusted I will start lifting on weekends as well (full body / high intensity weights).

 

Upon reflection, I just haven't been meditating, ah you got me 😌😅. 

 

Been having moments of quick tears coming out so I'm healing. 

 

Also started using a timer to start studying and it actually works. 

 

My journals last night were so random that I read them this morning and was like wtf was I on? 🤣

 

Ah well, expressions expression!

[Orb]

Im feeling pretty okay right now, but a bit frustrated still. 

 

Meditated for 19 mins, I was going for 20 mins but gave up. I can be nicer to myself, ugh I hate how fake this all feels. 

 

Seems like I really am the same loser from 5 years back, to be confident and charismatic and stuff feels like im being an imposter. 

 

Im tired of talking like im a person, but wtf am I gonna do? Everyone talks like this, no way Im gonna write a whole journal entry and somehow not have it point to someone there. 

 

Im a bit stubborn with these spiritual practices, even during meditation there was lots of resistance. 

 

I hate how spellbound spiritual people can be, like how the hell can you really know that everything is one? A lot of spiritual people keep repeating all the non dual lingo but dont see that it only seems that way because they are constantly affirming it to themselves.

 

All of the spiritual stories and experiences are completely worthless and theyre all made up BS.

 

Sitting here right now nothing can be known, I cannot actually be in any state or anything. 

 

Im tired of spirituality, its all bland and lifeless, all these ways to become happier are just dogmas and they are lifeless. 

 

If all these techniques really worked then how come the world is still a bag of shit? 

 

Nothing can be true, I mean come on!!! Come on!! Can people just admit that none of this makes any sense, and if they think theyre enlightened or having any experiences or learning spiritual lessons they are just spell-bound!!!

 

I spent a while thinking that Im having non dual awareness, and feeling the completeness of sensation, its fucking amazing!!!!!!!!!

 

But its all BS, thoughts of nondual stuff arise and are focused on, and really im just getting high off my own farts by thinking of how woke I am. 

 

Just subtle forms of egotism, the thoughts are always filling in the vacuum, can anything really stop arising? 

 

To try and stop thoughts from arising is stupid! 

 

Im feeling better than yesterday thats for sure, a bit salty thats all. 

 

This is just the way I am and im convinced it makes it hard for me to have friends. Im a cynical, selfish, judgemental person, I dont even feel bad for it I fucking love it, only just that I dont think people like this way of being, so in person I always act nice and respectful only because Im interested in surviving. 

 

I do love/appreciate people, I just wish I could be an asshole around em, because thats the way I naturally am, always gotta lower my power levels before talking to people. 

 

Really on the inside im a cynical/skeptical mofo! 

 

Im attracted to robotic/arrogant/heady people because thats the way I am, but im very feely too. I guess its a unique blend, im very emotional yet I appear very intellectual. 

 

If I saw the buddha id throw shit at his face!

[Orb]

Its all bs, been driving around feeling crazy, lost, confused, etc. 

 

Im doubting every single person whos trying to convince me of anything. I dont know what to believe, how can I be expected to not believe in anything? Its a vacuum that must be filled, the belief that I can get no mind and stop thinking is another thing filling in the vacuum. 

 

Im disillusioned with it all, im doubting abraham hicks. Im just not convinced of all this crap. 

 

How can I trust a person who married a guy working for an mlm selling napoleon hill books? She was just some bored rich chick who came up with some spiritual lingo and started selling it. 

 

Thats what these people always do, they make all their money and then when thats done the next step is to step into spirituality, great for business. 

 

Start off making money on material things even if its BS, then start selling people spiritual goods and then cheat them all. Its really good for making more money, its all bullshit. 

 

Why dont we put this shit to the test, take away all her money, put her in some slum and see if she can vortex her way into doing seminars on cruises, like jesus christ how do people fall for this shit?!

 

Anyone can make money off of telling people how to make money, anyone can feel good from telling people how to feel good, I just dont trust this lady.

 

When I believed in the loa crap I was always deep down in denial, I think everyone is, its clearly a belief system. 

 

If all this shit works, how come im not seeing any success stories on this forum!? How come no one is giving testimonies, instead we are all asking questions, while Phil and some other people give us answers, seems fishy to me, I dont trust it!

 

If loa was working in my life id be posting shit all day on this forum to inspire everyone, but the goods have never been delivered. 

 

I have a bunch of stuff written on my dreamboard and none of its happening, this shit looks like a scam, I cant believe I fell for it!

 

I mean come on, writing a bunch of shit on a whiteboard is gonna make it all come true!!? Straight up ridiculous!

 

Not a single thing on that board has come true, and if I ever saw anything related to something on the board it never remained on a consistent basis. 

 

Jesus christ everyones a fucking lunatic, no one knows anything, what the fuck am I doing here!? 

 

All I want is to feel safe and secure, if I could vortex/dream board my way into that I would!! But none of its happening!!

 

All of this loa stuff is no different than when I go to church, its a bunch of people desperately hoping that this shit works and repeating it constantly: deluding themselves in the process. Im done doing that. 

 

We are a bunch of selfish monkeys deluding ourselves and others, come on! If this stuff really worked (meditation, loa, dreamboard, yoga, prayer, worship), then why the hell are we living on a shithole of a planet!?

 

I dont know much about Phil, he could easily be making all this up, he could just be convinced that all this is true, this is crazy! 

 

Theres no way writing stuff down on a white board means that the universe is gonna appear as all of it!

 

The only way to think this shits real is to believe in it! All these belief systems are the same!

 

Oh yea just believe it, then itll come true for you! EVERYONE says this when it comes to their religion, dogma, belief system. 

 

The only reason I havent offed myself is because I dont want my little brother to grow up without me and be sad, I cant do that to him.

 

But if he was okay with it, id be ready to press "QUIT GAME" at any moment goddamn it!!!

 

I dont see the love Phil, Buddha, Jesus, Abraham, and every other teacher is talking about!!! I dont know what the fuck theyre talking about!

 

I can only see those things if I just blindly swallow all the shit theyre telling me. Oneness, Love, Consciousness, Self, Truth, God are all just words!! Right now I dont see any of those things, its all BS!

 

I have to constantly believe everything is oneness, god, love, in order to see it. All of my so called spiritual experiences were nothing!

 

I only held onto this stuff because I felt bad for doubting all the teachers, I wanted them to be right, I really did. But who the fuck were these people!

 

Why the fuck are we living according to the ideals of people who lived hundreds of years ago, all these brainless morons!

 

God I cant trust any of you, ive been fooled so many times, how do I know you guys arent just crazy!? 

 

On one hand I got people telling me to accept jesus christ into my heart, on the other its someone telling me to write stuff on a white board and that its all gonna happen. 

 

What has all this come to 😭.

 

As a young guy im filled with so much anger, everyone my age is doing what they want, I see it all the time on instagram, all the people who cheated me are having parties on boats and fitting in with all the cool people. Im such a loser, I dont fit into any of that stuff. Im like a fuckin old man or something!

 

All these "activists" on instagram are quick to try and help people miles away from them, but they dont even help people in their own communities. 

 

I mean fuck! Im filled with so much passion, I wanna inspire people! 

 

All these entrepreneur shit bag motherfuckers are always bragging about how they were always "the chosen one", selling baseball cards since they were kids and that they were always smart and had the work ethic to succeed, fuck all of them!

 

What about those of us who werent selling baseball cards from a young age!!! What about the people who were bullied in school!! What about the people who werent born with a good work ethic!!! What about those of us who are weird/different!! What about those of us who can barely get outta bed!! What about those of us who sucked at getting romantic partners!! What about those of us who started crying just at the thought of having to speak to people!! What about those of us who spend all our days isolated in our rooms fantasizing about having friends and talking to people!!!!

 

According to all those dipshits we have no chances because we never sold baseball cards, opened lemonade stands, sold newspapers, etc. I guess we dont have the spirit of success within us, well I call bullshit! 😡

[Orb]

Im feeling a bit better, the rage is gone at least, the light is starting to be seen. 

 

I wanna be pissed but I got nothing to be mad about right now, im feeling better. It no longer feels forced to try and be optimistic. 

 

I just wanna feel good, thats the only thing that matters. Purpose doesnt matter, meaning either, just feeling good. I wanna live my whole life just feeling good. 

 

Theres nothing spiritual about it, its just common sense, what would life be like if everything I did was just to feel good? 

 

Sorry Phil, sorry Buddha, sorry Jesus, love you guys. 

 

Im in a better place, I get that its all about feeling good, I dont have to become enlightened or be some kind of special man, just wanna feel good. 

 

So the real question is, what steps can I take to just feel good for most of my time? 

 

How can I feel good all day long? 

[Orb]

You were right Abraham 😔.

[Orb]

What actually feels good?

 

It feels good to study, I like the feeling of being focused and learning, I feel more in control of my life and I am deliberately creating. 

 

It feels good to be deliberate in how I conduct myself, and how I live my life.

 

It feels good to Self-Manage, to hold myself accountable to what I want to accomplish/feel. 

 

Self-Management is a miracle, its the gift we have as humans, very interesting. 

 

Ah I see it! We all want someone else to be our source, ah yes. But I am my own source, my own boss!

[Orb]

Thought is a gift! A fucking gift!

 

We can allow thought to operate properly. 

 

Thought is Feelings personal assistant.

[Orb]

Okay, im feeling pretty good right now, took some kratom and coffee. 

 

Will be using kratom for a few days just to ease off of the withdrawal symptoms from nicotine. 

 

Started my day off with some cardio in the morning on my bike, it felt great, I think combining some holotropic breathing with my bike rides will be great. When im out there riding I just wanna get as much oxygen as possible into my lungs, letting the oxygen overflow and heal the body from certain toxins. 

 

Its all about doing the stuff that really feels good, what actually feels good that I can do today? 

 

I think if I do just 25 minutes of studying, just 25 mins! That I will feel great knowing I took a step forward. 

 

Im proud of myself for sticking to eating healthier food and that im exercising every morning on weekdays. 

 

One thing for certain is that I feel far more grounded on days when I exercise, I think exercise is amazing when done every single day, its just a matter of figuring out what styles of exercise to do. 

 

I also like to isolate my moments of pleasure or feel good moments. Each moment that feels good can be enjoyed on its own and cherished. 

 

Okay lets do some conscious creating. 

 

I desire to study and get some stuff done today. 

 

Studying requires focus and clarity, which means.... the setting is very important! 

 

Im going to clean my room first and get it set up so that the room reflects the clarity being felt right now, thats conscious creating!!

 

Im feeling much better today compared to yesterday, journaling is very therapeutic! Just letting stuff out feels good. 

 

Ah hell, I may end up doing nicotine again today who knows, but one thing for certain is that journaling feels so good, Im gonna keep doing this no matter what!

[Orb]

Right now im feeling good to express, I wanna express right now, my bodys been feeling lighter today, and I want to get through this nicotine addiction. 

 

I think attention on nicotine is the reason why I keep on using it. The sensations right now are interesting, the head area is slightly achy, while the general lower body area is feeling okay. 

 

Feeling slight chills, definitely coming down from the caffeine and kratom, I took some L Theanine to soothe and feel good. 

 

Im always feeling horny, always fantasizing about having sex with women, the fantasies are very deep and made with lots of care, if I put the amount of care and detail into my fantasies for success/well being id be a billionaire!

 

I think about many different girls, but the physical features are all the same, I clearly have a type, and I really want a girlfriend like that. 

 

I know those girls are my type because they like me just as much as I like them. Some of these girls have approached me before but I thought I wasnt worthy of them, it was a while back. 

 

I knew these kinds of girls were my type when I met the first one back in high school, actually didnt find her that attractive at first, but one day I guess my balls must've fully dropped because I was obsessed with her.

 

Ive never expressed my sexual/romantic desires through this form of journaling before, I feel so much relief from doing it now. Im always thinking about that girl from highschool.

 

She liked me, always tried talking to me, but I was an asshole to her because I thought thats what attracted women, and I probably came off as one of those redpill guys. 

 

Well, I learned my lesson there! I get a bit self-conscious around girls in general, the more she is aligned with "the one" the more self conscious I get. 

 

Its like ill be at the grocery store and ill be around her, suddenly every move I make has so much attention on it, feels so weird...constricting. 

 

I notice when around women I worry that im being creepy, well I see that I believe im creepy, its only a belief. 

 

From what my mom has told me, many of the younger women at her church crush on me, so I see im not some creepy guy, girls actually find me attractive. 

 

When im walking behind a woman anywhere, I get worried that she thinks im following her or something, and dont want her to be scared. Really interesting fear now that im reading it on here, I worry that im scaring women around me in public. 

 

I dont understand boundaries, but I can learn, like when im in the grocery store and theres a woman shopping around, how much distance do I keep between me and her so that she doesnt get scared? Can I even look at her? Just to say a polite hi?

 

When I pass by people usually im able to smile at them and say hi, when passing by a beautiful young woman I dont do it because I dont want to be creepy. 

 

My only desire with a woman sexually really is to show her how much I enjoy her or in other words show her how desirable she is, I think really thats what every guy wants(theres also a little desire for some domination 😏). I find it so fucking lame when guys just want to bust their nuts, I did it that way for some time and its lame, may as well choke the chicken!

 

Maybe it all goes full circle, maybe the key to getting a girlfriend isnt to act in a particular way, but to surrender to the truth that I want a girlfriend. 

 

Im not some badass lone ranger who doesnt need women, some guys including me tried that route but ironically we did it for their attention. 

 

I allow myself to desire women completely! I allow myself to feel excited around girls I like. 

 

Although, im not sure how to be confident around girls that resemble "the one". I get so choked up, oh man it could bring me to tears. I want her so bad but I get choked up! I dont wanna have to take a million steps to be with her!

 

How can I acknowledge that I desire women, allow myself to be nervous around her, and still be attractive?

 

I have this immature view on romance that the guy has to be invincible or something, infallible. 

 

Filled with some beliefs that developed during the time I was absorbing PUA garbage. 

 

Hard to see that a guy can make mistakes, be nervous, etc. and still be attractive to his gf/wife. 

 

Isnt it cringe when a guy doesnt have all his shit together?

 

I see one of the deep beliefs here is "I have to be ______ in order to have a girlfriend.". 

 

Why not have a girlfriend regardless of the circumstances, is there really any requirement?