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Orb

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Experimenting with some sexual transmutation, I feel hornier, yet I feel much more excitement/anticipation for good things.

 

Very interesting, when I dont release my sexual energy I feel more excited for stuff, theres an excitement for life that builds up. 

 

Who knows how itll go, may be fucking awesome. Im gonna use journaling in order to express my sexual energy on here.

 

Every single time ive done sexual transmutation ive always started talking to people more, taking initiative with stuff, and overall just having more energy...like springing out of bed each morning. 

 

I feel this energy, it is helping me!!

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Mandy just sent me a picture of boob shaped lights.... Okay Orb....focus, stop sweating..... focus....hey zip your pants back up!!

 

I will continue doing sexual transmutation!!! I wanna see boobs in real life!! Real squishy boobs!!!

 

I feel great, this sexual energy in my genital area actually feels super encouraging. Like what the fuck I never thought this would happen. Like my balls are encouraging me to let them build up more energy, I feel fucking great. Im filled with so much energy. 

 

When I did sexual transmutation a few months back I remember my dreams were way more positive, like I was owning shit! Having so much fun in my dreams and being confident, that shit was awesome. 

 

I wanna do this...no....im gonna do this!!!

 

YEA LETS GO!!

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I feel like crying, im so overwhelmed right now. 

 

I put all of my hope in meditation and for these 3 days of meditating I dont really feel any different, I dont feel much relief either. Thoughts still arise.

 

I dont understand whats the big deal with meditation, thoughts arise on their own accord, so to think a practice will slow em down or make them go completely doesnt make any sense.

 

Oh god, I feel like shit. 

 

Memories of me being made fun of or embarrassed arise, those hurt a lot, feel like im disconnected from the playground. Everyone else had fun except me. 

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The stuff is kicking in, im feeling really good and positive. 

 

Holy shit when Im off of these substances im like a completely different person, this shit is intense. 

 

I need to come up with a serious plant for this shit, I cant do this any longer, I gotta stop!!!!

 

Im gonna stop!!

 

What am I addicted to and how can I get off it:

 

-Porn (Cold Turkey)

-Nicotine (Cold Turkey)

-Kratom (Taper Down)

-Caffeine (Simply lower to a more sustainable dose)

 

The thing is I try to quit one thing and the withdrawals are so painful that I wanna replace them with another drug or behavior. 

 

The way I feel is so intense that its all I know in the moment, like when im going through withdrawals I feel like shit and thats the only thing that exists, now I feel better and think I can solve this issue somehow.

 

Or the hunger I feel during withdrawal! The fucking hunger! And I dont have the money to just buy a bunch of food, the hunger is intense, just the feeling of nothing exciting going on, its a bit frustrating.

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I feel sad when I look at instagram, its hard to see all the people from my past having fun and being together, I feel so embarrassed about the man I was during that time that I dont talk to any of my old friends.

 

I feel so alone everyday, no one really to talk with, ill usually go for solo drives in order to cope and feel better. I feel so alone, I wanna have like minded friends, but theres just too much shit on my plate.

 

I got my real estate career that I wanna start, I got my job that im already working in, I want to save money and not spend a lot on gas. 

 

Feeling like giving up, I cant believe people are able to get through this, I dont have the strength, this shit is just so hard. 

 

Every day is just a grind, everything feels like so much, im riding my bike nearly every morning, its not even that fun anymore just feels like a grind, I feel like shit.

Edited by Orb

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This is painful, im feeling suicidal right now. 

 

this is too much, im so sick of this shit. 

 

What the fuck is a therapist gonna do for me, this shit just keeps on going, im so tired of these cycles. My body feels horrible in the mornings and im tired of it, im tired of hearing its related to my beliefs. 

 

Like if someone beats the shit out of me with a stick, i dont care what anyone says, no amount of positive thinking is gonna heal me. 

 

What the fuck is the point of calling the suicide hotline, we just talk for a few minutes and thats it, its just damage control. 

 

Suicide is inevitable, theres always people who kill themselves. In self help and spirituality we like to pretend that everyone has a chance, I dont know if thats true for me. 

 

Im fucking crazy, impulsive, and depressed. I wanna kill myself because im so embarrassed of who I am, I wanna erase myself from all this shit. 

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I get impulsive and self sabotage, maybe I got BPD? I mean im not like crazy I dont yell at people, maybe not idk. 

 

I just wanna destroy myself, feels hurtful to say that, but this is just too painful, too many times in the past Ive been hurt and I cant go anywhere because of it. 

 

What if somethings wrong with me and all this LoA shit just doesnt work for me? 

 

I dont know. 

 

It cant just all be beliefs thats the biggest load of shit ive ever heard, if all of mans suffering is because of his beliefs then how come we dont feel immense relief from letting go of beliefs. 

 

I did the Byron Katie work app thingie and wrote several beliefs down, didnt change anything for me, this is why I feel like im getting scammed sometimes. 

 

I was told that beliefs disappear once they are seen as beliefs, well how come they still havent disappeared?

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I hate that theres no magic pill or something, I have no choice but to suffer if I wanna get better. 

 

Thats just the truth if your brain is healing from withdrawal no amount of positive thinking is gonna help the fatigue, depression, irritability, etc.

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Why should I go on living? I feel like absolute shit right now, im short on cash, im impulsively spending on drugs to cope with how shitty I feel, im fucking stuck!

 

Ive tried inspecting beliefs and stuff and I dont feel any better, if any of these tools actually worked then i wouldve felt their impact already, how come I dont?

 

I hate staying here. I just dont want my little brother to be traumatized, I cant take this though, im trying real hard for you bro! 

 

Everything in my life has failed and im feeling like shit, im tired of fantasizing about girls, im lonely as fuck and depressed about it, cant just snap my fingers and get a girlfriend, im so alone that I give up. 

 

I give up, I cant do this anymore, I dont even know what id be doing this for.

 

Me staying alive is just me fooling others into thinking that life is actually worth living, I dont have it in me. I wing everything I do, never put in my all and never cared to. 

 

Why should I be in alignment, why should I go on living? 

 

Truth is I wanna feel good, thats all. The only things that feel good are drugs. 

 

All those people who feel good doing mundane shit are just lucky they never got hooked on drugs. They have NO idea how this feels. 

 

How can I go on each day grinding through it and simultaneously not being productive at all? I cant cope with this. 

 

I feel upset that I never got the girls that I liked, hits me so hard even if it sounds stupid, Ive missed out on life. 

 

Im on timeout, isolated from the playground, everyone is having fun, having sex, making money, socializing, getting fit, etc. Im over here depressed. 

 

Well I quit this, im just gonna go get some nicotine and rot away.

 

 

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Im feeling way better today, feeling stillness now. 

 

I was really mindfucked last night, focusing on feeling lead me to nothing. Its only made me more excited to keep on meditating and manifesting an awesome life. 

 

Im seeing the power of momentum here, the earlier in the day - the stronger the thoughts momentum. This is why starting off the day with a good feeling mindset is key. 

 

Im gonna have a good day, get some work done, then study, maybe do it all at once.

 

The pomodoro technique really works! Its gonna be fun to do all that stuff. 

 

Ill start off my study session with some coffee and L Theanine. 

 

Everything is fine.

 

Everything is perfect.

 

Everything is working out for me. 

 

When discord comes up, I will look into the specifics of it, rather than blowing up. 

 

Im feeling good right now. 

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Feeling pretty satisfied, im not jumping joyously, but definitely feeling kinda in the middle. 

 

Just had some butter coffee and L Theanine and thats nice, im feeling better already. 

 

Im excited to start the day off, journaling is a great way to start the day, it helps to kind of calibrate things. 

 

I looked my dreamboard for a minute, everything I want is on that board. 

 

Im gonna study today for my real estate license, this time theres no excuses, only excitement!

 

I can be productive and have a good work ethic no matter what!

 

Lets do some emotional scale stuff. 

 

So far contentment is felt, its a in the middle feeling, not super excited but theres no suffering.

 

Feeling pretty okay. 

 

Lets move a little to hopefulness, ive expressed how content I am, how satisfied I feel, now to express some hopefulness.

 

Hopefulness is the beginning of allowing the possibilities of goodness to be acknowledged.

 

Wouldnt it be nice if I was having fun working and enjoying every step taken?

Wouldnt it be nice if I had a nice house over here and had my own awesome routine?

Wouldnt it be nice to look into my bank account and see $30,000 dollars?

Wouldnt it be nice if I could ride my bike early in the mornings, watch the sun come up, and feel super empowered and charged up?

Wouldnt it be nice to take some lsd in my nice big house and have a heavenly trip?!

 

It would be nice!

 

It is actually possible to enjoy the fruits of life. 

 

I already am enjoying the fruits of life. 

 

The possibilities are endless, theres so many different things that can happen for good!

 

Just entertaining the possibilities, thats all that is going on here, just for fun. 

 

Im new to this, staying gentle with how I feel, keeping it gentle. 

 

How I feel is very important!

 

Its all about holding the feeling, allowing it to BE. 

 

Wouldnt it be nice if I was working for a good real estate brokerage, selling lots of houses, and most importantly of all serving people?!

 

Okay...just a few little nudges of love, thats all. 

 

Wouldnt it be nice if there was cleanliness in my room? If the clothes were folded up nicely? Dishes always washed?

 

Its important to be gentle with emotion, to treat it with care, like an expensive TV. 

 

Especially in the morning, when we are gentle with our emotions and make sure to keep em "clean" or steady then that feeling becomes dominant on our day.

 

Wouldnt it be nice if I was making more money? Wouldnt it be nice to feel the rush of knowing that moneys coming in?

 

Wouldnt it be nice to not only make good money with one income source, but to have multiple sources of income?

 

Im enjoying this hopefulness, theres no pressure, no need to be positive, just gentle nudges of love.

 

Wouldnt it be nice to have a girlfriend, and to have a super fun/amazing relationship with her?

 

Wouldnt it be nice to have friends that are awesome?

 

 

 

 

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As a conscious creator, I will go through these next few days of withdrawal with self love and appreciation. 

 

I got this, I'm doing such a good job, can't believe I was afraid to acknowledge that, but I'm really doing good here! Pat on the back ❤️.

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Oh man lifes coming together, one thing for sure is that ive refined my music tastes to what I truly like which is vaporwave, jazz, acid jazz, funk. I can enjoy most music genres though but those are my all time favorites. 

 

Listening to Lonnie Smiths "Its Changed" so relaxing, I swear that song can make plants grow faster. The vibes from this kind of music are amazing, just so goddamn chill, no imposing energy or tough guy vibe, just chill goodness vibes, love it. 

 

Ive learned to Love Myself, got lost in making others the source and it wasnt feeling good for a while, for a second I actually loved myself and felt relief, it was when I made my earlier post on this thread. I love myself!!

 

Its real nice, how im feeling right now, im a bit relaxed, I think this is a great time for me to fold my clothes and get my room a bit organized. 

 

Im gonna be repeating affirmations each morning, man im so excited. Its all about shifting the daily pattern of thoughts, thats all. In time the momentum will only get stronger and stronger, just by repeating them today 30x each it brought some relief, just getting hammered with Love. Like "you are awesome, you are awesome, you are awesome!" on and on until thats all thats there. 

 

The affirmations are "I have the power to manifest the life I want." "I enjoy connection with people." and "I am always inspired by life.".

 

The overall point is to know the truth that everything is okay and I am actually "in control", everything is under control and fine. 

 

Everything is fine, im going one step at a time here, when stuff seems to feel intense, I can just set my timer to 20 minutes and meditate. 

 

Meditation allows thoughts to slow down and dissipate, journaling allows thoughts to come up and out from unconsciousness, affirmation allows aligned thoughts to take the space where discord once was and contribute to conscious creation. 

 

Its amazing how mechanical it is, I like viewing this stuff from a more mechanical lens, its all robotic and perfect, amazing! 

 

The music im listening to feels like wearing a warm blanket, I never thought id find a jazz musician so relaxing, I like this guys style.

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Been feeling better about life lately, meditation has been clearing my mind, I feel so much better.

 

The haze of depression is certainly lifting and while I can still feel the physical symptoms of withdrawal or general pains, emotionally I feel quite clear. 

 

Intuitively, I could feel it was time to begin journaling, when im meditating its like im digging up the earth with shovel, journaling is like taking the dug up earth and finding the gems in it. Stuff comes out and then it can be expressed. 

 

Realized the wise way to go about addictions is to wean off, it involves mindfulness and is respectful towards the body. 

 

I meditated for about 10 minutes first thing in the morning today, I was aiming for 20 originally but strong stomach pains came up and I had to interrupt in order to use the bathroom. 

 

Im gonna take a few minutes to settle in and when im feeling just right again Ill initiate another meditation session. 

 

I learned something thats hard to convey in language last night, I learned that it is all about feeling good, but its more than that, its the bliss of every "piece" of my life feeling good, and when I meditate Im just basking in that bliss. 

 

The meditation gives me the clarity to live my life intentionally, living my life intentionally gives me bliss which allows me to enjoy meditation.

 

Im tapering off of kratom, its a wonderful substance, thank goodness ive developed only a mild dependence, should take a little more than a week to fully taper off to a miniscule dose. 

 

Im feeling quite optimistic, I think today will be a great day to purify my room, me, and the house overall. 

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I learned that bringing awareness into areas of my life is the MOST powerful thing, more powerful than any other method when it comes to healing. 

 

Bringing awareness is actually seeing the mechanics of of a particular behavior clearly.

 

For example with nicotine vapes, is there real awareness of what im doing when im hitting the vape? Am I aware of how many hits I take daily? Am I aware of how im feeling when I take it? 

 

All these things come together. 

 

Some stuff on the dreamboard has been happening!!!!

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