blessed journal

[Phil]

If that isn’t the awesomeness of the universe (you) idk what is. 

[Blessed2]

2 hours ago, Phil said:

If that isn’t the awesomeness of the universe (you) idk what is. 

 

😂

 

Un-believing thoughts and returning to hearing, sensing, seeing etc. really is something.

 

Books, teachings, philosophies, all of that is let go and only meditation remains.

 

I'm interested to see how letting thoughts go ASAP works with university studies. It might get pretty insightful.

 

Like for example, I'm pretty sure that Maslow's hierarchy of needs will probably be one subject we're going to study. But "needs" is just a thought?!

 

[Phil]

@Blessed2

Totally! Music to my ears! 🙂

 

[Blessed2]

Today and yesterday I decided to try meditating for 1 hour straight.

 

It feels like the opposite of relaxation. It's more like a battle for survival or something.

 

I have to force myself to stay on the bench.

 

It feels so uncomfortable I don't know how to even describe it. Like despair, powerlessness, grief, frustration, irritation, impatience. I'm just fighting to get through it. And it's physically uncomfortable. I can't really breathe deep while in the sitting position, my back and neck hurts, blood doesn't circulate in the feet.

 

Now I feel despair and powerlessness cause this whole thing feels totally impossible for me. Yea I can get through this life, I can meditate maybe 15 or 20 minutes twice a day, I can exercise a bit etc. But this enlightenment, true nature, alignment thing I just can't do.

 

It fucking sucks because I get mixed messages all around. Like one message is to be accepting and loving toward myself, allowing myself to relax and not try so much (to not stress out about meditation every day) and then, maybe even from the same source, there is the message that daily 1hr or 2 or fucking 4hr meditation is required?!?!!?

 

And then some other source says that meditation is actually a hindrance.

 

It feels like I'm stuck, like in a prison in this life. That to get free and actually feel good requires so much effort and willpower and basically suffering. And I don't think I can do it.

 

I'm trying to stay sober and not eat trash food etc. but again it all feels so pointless and alcohol & food seems like the only way I can feel relief. What is there for me to be excited about the future? I can't align. Can't rise on the scale. Can't meditate long enough. Won't get what I want and won't become enlightened. So what is there to feel good about? What else is there than alcohol & food to feel any relief or good feeling?

 

[Mandy]

@Blessed2 Remember a few months back when you made the joke or the comment that everyone should be forced to meditate because you were finding so much relief in it? What were you doing then? Why did you say that? 

 

You don't have to meditate, and you CAN be aligned while drinking and eating junk, but it is like starting at level 25 instead of level two or an alien invasion game when it comes to catching thoughts, and then being mad at yourself when you fail. (One more thought.) When the alien spaceships are coming at you in full force and you're asleep at the wheel it's no wonder that the challenge isn't fun. Or it's like waking up 3 minutes before you have to give a high energy performance of some kind. You can do it, but it's nice to start the day easing in. There's no requirement or prescription. 

 

Likewise why not start with 15 minutes? If you want to do more later, do more later. 

 

[Blessed2]

45 minutes ago, Mandy said:

Remember a few months back when you made the joke or the comment that everyone should be forced to meditate because you were finding so much relief in it? What were you doing then? Why did you say that? 

 

Probably the momentum thing.

 

Not sure if it's really the daily meditation that feels good, but the thought that I've done what I'm supposed to do and the self-respect, optimism and pride. Kind of how let's say someone is deeply into christian beliefs and experiences a desire for homosexual intimacy and romance. They bypass the emotions and pats themselves on the back for being a good, god-fearing christian who didn't give up to sin. That might feel good, but it isn't really what we're looking for here.

 

Similarly, yeah I felt kinda good after the 1hr meditation, because it was over and I got through it. The session itself didn't feel good per se. What feels good is that I did what I believed I should do. And that today I don't have to do it anymore.

 

47 minutes ago, Mandy said:

You don't have to meditate, and you CAN be aligned while drinking and eating junk,

 

Drinking and eating junk is suppression. It's the opposite of alignment.

 

Again, mixed messages.

 

55 minutes ago, Mandy said:

Likewise why not start with 15 minutes? If you want to do more later, do more later. 

 

15 minutes isn't enough to get to where I want to be fast enough. I'd feel bad for not doing enough and being lazy and comfort seeking.

 

 

[Mandy]

@Blessed2 Yesterday I wrote down, "Why can't I keep my house clean?" Then laughed because the belief, the identity and expectation was already in the question. The question was the answer. 

 

15 minutes ago, Blessed2 said:

15 minutes isn't enough to get to where I want to be fast enough. I'd feel bad for not doing enough and being lazy and comfort seeking.

 

You realize that meditation is the height of lazy comfort seeking, right? If you were gonna take that so far that you couldn't take it any further you'd come up with meditation. 

[Mandy]

23 minutes ago, Blessed2 said:

 

Probably the momentum thing.

 

Not sure if it's really the daily meditation that feels good, but the thought that I've done what I'm supposed to do and the self-respect, optimism and pride. Kind of how let's say someone is deeply into christian beliefs and experiences a desire for homosexual intimacy and romance. They bypass the emotions and pats themselves on the back for being a good, god-fearing christian who didn't give up to sin. That might feel good, but it isn't really what we're looking for here.

Yeah it's morality, the belief that good feeling comes from avoiding the wrong things. Now there's a need to control. Don't think of a purple elephant. 

[Blessed2]

I don't know how to do this. I've been trying to be without any alcohol or unhealthy foods for a couple days now, and I feel so horrible that it seems quite impossible to make this change.

 

It's just so unfair. Like it's not reasonable tp expect me to quit drinking and all this stuff when this os the way I feel without them.

 

There just isn't anything to do, I'm bored. And I feel kind of afraid cause there's this weird sense of emptiness or sort of lightheadedness. Like I'm too alert and the body feels kind of uncertain and too light and uncomfortable.

 

And I'm in constant state of fight or flight. I'm literally fighting like every second not to give up and drink and eat. It's totally unacceptable to feel this way. I can't function like this. I can't do any normal tasks. It's so unfair.

 

And then I start feeling so bad that I feel this extreme despair and meaninglessness and I start having suicidal thoughts and I get extremely angry, I'm afraid that I might throw my phone to a wall or destroy something.

 

It makes me angry that life is like this. For every single good thing you have to go through insane suffering. This whole work, this spiritiality and meditation and all of it is always this thing where you can't get any good things without first suffering immensely. Even the good times are shit because you know that sooner or later some bad times come again and again you have to learn some stupid lesson or something.

 

I hate this forum. I hate the entire message that's shared here. It's what feels the worst in all this.

 

[Blessed2]

There's also just too many discordant thoughts and beliefs to write down.

 

And even if I could write them, what's the point? I have written some, some of them many times. And they still arise. Writing them down doesn't change anything.

 

This whole journaling and expression thing just doesn't sit right with me. The despair just builds cause I'm trying to get rid of the emotions by writing or expressing them, and cause it's not working, I feel despair.

 

Maybe expression kinda works like for example when you see a therapist. But if I feel some discord and then try to write it out to get rid of the feeling, it never works.

 

The way I feel in those moments I just can't describe. It's this loop of despair. It gets so bad I'm afraid, like existentially afraid cause the suffering gets so intense and there doesn't seem to be any way out of it. The more you try to get out the deeper in you go.

 

[Blessed2]

Been feeling pretty weird lately. Kind of as if the pace of seeking relief, gratification, 'dopamine' has been kicking up.

 

Generally the mood is pretty low. And sometimes it goes very very low. Thoughts go so crazy that they just jump from here to there super quickly, hitting a discordant wall everywhere.

 

Been seeing a therapist and will see her a couple of times, until the new studies start in about a month. We're going to make a plan as to what help I'm going to seek after we're done. Basically I'll have to see a doctor and probably see a doctor quite a few times, and a therapist. I'd like to have a longer psychotherapy association, like for a year or so. Lots of stuff I'd like to talk about and inspect with someone.

 

The therapist I've seen is also very heavily telling me to talk with a doctor about ADHD. I kinda agree with her in that in terms of what psychiatry says, it's likely quite a clear case.

 

Got a feeling that if the doctor agrees, ADHD medication could be handy. Been also thinking of going back to the antidepressants I quit some time ago, which the therapist (and a doctor I saw recently) agrees on. I'm wondering if it's the right move or not. Or if there is any right or wrong moves.

 

The way I've been feeling lately is so chaotic and the lows are so low that I'm kinda rethinking the approach to medication. Before I held the thought that going back to the pill would be a failure, that all the spiritual & meditation folk say that pills are not the answer and that they are just an illusion or a marketing lie of the corporations etc. The therapist urged me to question the thought that it would be a "failure", in a sense that that thought might be not true. Also, perhaps medication isn't so bad cause maybe in times like I'm experiencing, to get the basic stuff like daily rhythm, not going totally nuts every few days etc. can help.

 

I somehow got a good feeling about the possible ADHD medication that would be possible if I got a diagnosis. Something tells me that it could help me a lot, not in a sense of eating it for the rest of my life but in a sense of supporting to make lifestyle changes.

 

 

Been trying to get back on track with daily meditation, but that's been pretty chaotic too. Been thinking of continuing the daily meditation accounting here on the journal, but something is keeping me from that right now. Maybe later.

 

There are some discordant thoughts about meditation. Like about the technique and session time. I feel kinds good about the silent mantra meditation. It feels less overwhelming and frustrating than breathing meditation sometimes feels. But I'm not sure if it calms the mind in the same way as breathinh does. And if it really even is meditation, if it has all the good benefits breathing meditation has.

 

Some fear about meditation too. That it could harm me.

 

And maybe guilt in that the mantra thing feels easier than breathing thing and that I shouldn't be weak and lazy and choose the easier one.

 

It's always talked here that feeling is the key or whatever. Acknowledging emotions etc. But that feels bad cause then all this life just seems like a chore of feeling and focusing on all the bad emotions I feel. And that it's all my fault for not wanting to feel them and not doing the necessary uncomfortable feeling work.

 

The interpretation of it is as if going into cold water. That the necessary emotional 'work' is akin to dipping into cold water, the uncomfortable "not wanting to go there but I need to do this, otherwise there is no happiness to expect from life".

 

Interestingly, I've been swimming quite a bit this summer and EACH TIME it's been cold. I've been ranting to my girlfriend about it. It's like where has all the warm summer waters gone. Maybe my memory is jsut skewed or something but I swear, usually it's not like this. I was literally in southern europe a couple weeks ago, at the mediterranean, AND IT WAS COLD?! There was over 30°C sunny days but the sea was cold. Similar thing at home in finland. Usually july is the warmest month, and the waters are quite warm. But not this summer. It's just been cold swims every time. Sometimes I really just kinda don't want to go swimming cause it's so cold, but I force myself cause I'd feel guilty and hopeless if I didn't.

 

 

[Mandy]

9 hours ago, Blessed2 said:

It's always talked here that feeling is the key or whatever. Acknowledging emotions etc. But that feels bad cause then all this life just seems like a chore of feeling and focusing on all the bad emotions I feel. And that it's all my fault for not wanting to feel them and not doing the necessary uncomfortable feeling work.

 

The interpretation is that feeling isn't what's already actual but it another added layer of effort. 

 

[Phil]

Take advantage of all resources available.

 

Failure, problem & judgements are discordant beliefs. Not actual failure or problems. Exactly the same as unicorns. There can be the belief even though it’s discordant because there aren’t actually unicorns. 

 

The key question might be - am I solving a problem here & reinforcing the belief in problems, or dispelling ‘problem mindset’, ‘problem framing’ - the belief that there is a problem?

 

One doesn’t go to a therapist to be without a therapist, it’s to feel better, to be without a problem.

This is dispelling the belief, uncovering feeling / self.  

 

One doesn’t take medication to be without medication, it’s to feel better, to be without a problem. 

This is dispelling the belief, uncovering feeling / self.  

 

One doesn’t meditate to meditate, it’s to feel better, to be without a problem. 

Feeling is appearing as thoughts (“the problem”). 

Thoughts are appearance, not something separate. 

Thus “the problem” is illusory. 

 

One doesn’t allow emotional guidance to be without emotional guidance, it’s to feel better, to be without a problem. 

This is dispelling the belief, uncovering feeling / self.  

 

It’s all to see the present truth clearly, that there is no problem. 

 

Put most simply, you’re unconditional, appearing as conditions (thoughts). Judgment doesn’t resonate. 

 

Everything is working out already as you’re in a no lose situation. Every avenue mentioned, including even the ‘just face it’ / egocentric ‘just push though it’ - every possible avenue is the dispelling of ‘the problem’. 🤍

[Blessed2]

23 hours ago, Mandy said:

The interpretation is that feeling isn't what's already actual but it another added layer of effort. 

 

Feeling is actual.

 

"Feeling fully", "sitting with it", "acknowledging", "listening to the guidance", "expressing" etc. is an added layer of effort and concepts.

 

[Blessed2]

20 hours ago, Phil said:

Take advantage of all resources available.

 

Failure, problem & judgements are discordant beliefs. Not actual failure or problems. Exactly the same as unicorns. There can be the belief even though it’s discordant because there aren’t actually unicorns. 

 

The key question might be - am I solving a problem here & reinforcing the belief in problems, or dispelling ‘problem mindset’, ‘problem framing’ - the belief that there is a problem?

 

One doesn’t go to a therapist to be without a therapist, it’s to feel better, to be without a problem.

This is dispelling the belief, uncovering feeling / self.  

 

One doesn’t take medication to be without medication, it’s to feel better, to be without a problem. 

This is dispelling the belief, uncovering feeling / self.  

 

One doesn’t meditate to meditate, it’s to feel better, to be without a problem. 

Feeling is appearing as thoughts (“the problem”). 

Thoughts are appearance, not something separate. 

Thus “the problem” is illusory. 

 

One doesn’t allow emotional guidance to be without emotional guidance, it’s to feel better, to be without a problem. 

This is dispelling the belief, uncovering feeling / self.  

 

It’s all to see the present truth clearly, that there is no problem. 

 

Put most simply, you’re unconditional, appearing as conditions (thoughts). Judgment doesn’t resonate. 

 

Everything is working out already as you’re in a no lose situation. Every avenue mentioned, including even the ‘just face it’ / egocentric ‘just push though it’ - every possible avenue is the dispelling of ‘the problem’. 🤍

 

This is a lot and I appreciate it, but I don't really get what's being said. 😕

[Mandy]

@Blessed2 Maybe we can go all in on enthusiastically half assing it. Let the OK times roll! 

[Blessed2]

Yesterday I had a meltdown again after a meditation session which felt pretty much like hellfire.

 

I had to literally just go lie in bed and wait it out, expressing, acknowledging, etc. was just a highly discordant thought story. Couldn't really do anything else but to wait and feel sensations and the breath.

 

My girlfriend tried to help me but talking and listening to her felt worse. I told her to leave me alone but she didn't listen to that. I got so angry that I was afraid I might hit her.

 

Just had to be alone and wait it out. I don't get the acknowledgement and expression thing.

 

One discordant belief that was going on in that moment was that "I am believing the I-thought" but I inspected that and the belief doesn't make sense. How can I believe the I-thought? "I believe" is an I-thought. So in some way the I-thought isn't really even believed already. I have no idea what that even means, it just feels funky.

 

The term "believe" or "belief" might be a bit off cause it only works with a story of I who beliefs or has belief. Without the I that term doesn't really make sense at all. Something like "apparent" might be a better fit.

 

Is the I-thought ever really believed?

 

😂 There's something absolutely hilarious here but I'm not sure what it is.

 

Edited July 13 by Blessed2

[Mandy]

Seriously though, is it OK to just have an OK time? 

 

In other words, do you appreciate and recognize when you're feeling just ok? 

[Phil]

2 hours ago, Blessed2 said:

This is a lot and I appreciate it, but I don't really get what's being said. 😕

🙏🏼 If interested, be specific. Questions naturally arise & dispel limiting discordant beliefs. Colloquially speaking, ‘processing’ occurs, resulting in alignment & relief, the uncovering of true freedom. 

 

In a nutshell, as emotions are acknowledged, the separate self - which is part & parcel of “the problem” - is dispelled. 

One thought which appears is, “I don’t get…”. 

That thought disappears too, and a question as to what’s being said or what’s being inspected then can appear as well, and clarity naturally ensues.

 

As an example:

2 hours ago, Blessed2 said:

I got so angry that I was afraid I might hit her.

 

Just had to be alone and wait it out. I don't get the acknowledgement and expression thing.

“I got so angry” & “I was afraid” is on behalf of a self in time, of a past, a not-present, separate, second self - which is thoughts presently experienced about a self, and not a second self. That this is semantical, wrong, someone is not getting something, etc, are deflections on behalf of the ego, or, separate self of thoughts. It would be more “beating up on yourself” so to speak, like “I got so angry” & “I was afraid”. The discord of those thoughts is felt, while the self the thoughts are about doesn’t actually exist. The only self there is, is present-only. 

 

An emotion, anger, is or isn’t presently experienced. If anger is experienced, there is resistance to acknowledging and allowing discouragement to be felt. (And so on up the scale). 

 

It might be insightful, that while you attracted her approach, that of helping you… the notion you need help is no longer resonating. While that you are free, and can allow the help of any and all resources as paths of least resistance may very much resonate & is obviously advisable based on how allowing feels - that there is a separate self, such as which fundamentally needs anything from anyone is an entirely different notion, ultimately highlighting that there is in fact, no actual problem. 

 

As far as “I might hit her”… acknowledge and express (verbally), the emotion - revenge. Let it be ok to experience, feel and express anger, revenge and discouragement. Note, as these are fleeting, come & go, these appear within you, consciousness. You do not come & go. ♥️

[Blessed2]

On 7/13/2024 at 2:28 PM, Mandy said:

Seriously though, is it OK to just have an OK time? 

 

In other words, do you appreciate and recognize when you're feeling just ok? 

 

It's kinda impossible to answer this cause the thoughts that arise feel like pessimism and anger. Those are not OK time.