To be deserving of love.

[Reena]

What should I say to myself to feel like I'm deserving of love?

 

Today I cried an awful lot. All my emotions were flowing through my tears. I couldn't stop. I didn't care. I wanted to be authentic. 

 

Whoever you are, you are loved.. 

 

I found it difficult to love myself. 

 

 

Because for a long time I thought I didn't deserve to be loved. 

 

[Reena]

This is my last question in the forum and I'll be done.. 

[Mandy]

What makes you think you are not deserving of love? No need to answer of delve into it, none of that is true. It's about discarding those beliefs and thoughts when they come up. Someone just shared with AA quote with me, "It's OK for a little bird to land on your head, but don't let it stick around long enough to build a nest." Meditation is the appreciation that the birds are just birds, they are flighty. We don't have to make those thoughts a home in us. There is no effort required to love oneself, there is just love with no need of subject object expression... just the sheer joy of it. ❤️

[Reena]

@Mandy

I think as a child I was made to feel this deep sense of bad luck. Like I was an unlucky child. My mom always told me that everyone else will succeed except for me. So a child doesn't understand right from wrong so I sort of internalized all of that unworthiness.

I knew that I was getting better grades than other children. But I used to observe and notice that their parents used to love them a lot whereas my mother always belittled me sometimes in front of others. Seeing that other children were loved, appreciated and valued by their moms but not me created a feeling in me that everyone else is more deserving of love and I'm not. I developed a lot of self pity. I began to pity my existence because it felt like I was automatically low value just by birth. 

 

Furthermore growing up dirt poor, my father was an office clerk with barely money for food made me feel less worthy than others 

 

My parents put me into a nice school and I earned scholarship that helped me get into a prestigious college. The problem was all the adults in that college were really rich and had rich parents. I was the only one who got on the basis of merit. But they would spend on literally anything they wanted. I used to recycle my clothes and sometimes wore shabby clothes so they kinda figured that I was poor and they began distancing from me. It was like a social heirarchy. Nobody would want to be friends with me because I didn't spend money or throw parties like them. They would also mock me if I couldn't afford something. They used to flaunt their wealth a lot and it used to make me nervous 

 

Over time my self pity consumed me. It's like I thought I could never be as worthy as others. Even if I did measurably better than others 

 

 

Ever since feeling valued or worthy is a struggle. It's like whenever I try to be confident, a sneaky internal voice from behind acts like a Negative Nancy and tells me in whispers that I must be bonkers to even think that I am deserving of anything good..

 

Its like a voice telling me - "don't you even try to dream of anything nice" and mocking my confidence. 

 

Don't know how to reverse that. I think it's abusive interpersonal monologue I internalized. 

 

 

[Orb]

@Reena

 

Are you meditating daily? Exercising daily? Journaling with a pen and paper or on this forum daily? Are you reading books? Are you eating a bit cleaner perhaps? Are you looking at beliefs held and choosing thoughts that resonate? Are you praying for the well being of people? Are you giving? Are you receiving? 

[Reena]

2 minutes ago, Orb said:

@Reena

 

Are you meditating daily? Exercising daily? Journaling with a pen and paper or on this forum daily? Are you reading books? Are you eating a bit cleaner perhaps? Are you looking at beliefs held and choosing thoughts that resonate? Are you praying for the well being of people? Are you giving? Are you receiving? 

I don't think that I'm worthy of doing those things. It looks like the kind of things people do when they have everything in life. 

[Reena]

@Mandy

So couple of months ago I had a huge fight with my family over the matter of respect. 

We were having dinner and I told them that everyone deserves respect. 

Then they said to me that I was very wrong. I asked them how was I wrong. They told me that people only deserve respect if they had a proper social standing. And others won't have respect if they weren't up to the mark socially. 

So they told me that if I didn't have any friends or money then I don't deserve any respect. I told them that that's a lie. I explained to them that every human being deserves basic dignity. And they told me that I'm being idealistic and living in clouds and that people who don't have a good paying job or a proper social image will never deserve respect. I was kinda pissed. So I asked them- "what about a janitor, won't he deserve respect?" and they said that nobody would care about him and he will have to accept the fact that people would most likely disrespect him. I was really furious so I asked them if they thought homeless, sick and drug addicts deserve respect. And they flat out said " no. "

 

I was really mad at this point and I told them that I had dated a homeless broke guy. Then they called me stupid for dating him, as though I had done something socially wrong. 

 

Maybe a part of feeling undeserving stems from the above incidents. 

 

 

 

Edited December 21, 2023 by Reena

[solereproduction]

1 hour ago, Reena said:

@Mandy

So couple of months ago I had a huge fight with my family over the matter of respect. 

We were having dinner and I told them that everyone deserves respect. 

Then they said to me that I was very wrong. I asked them how was I wrong. They told me that people only deserve respect if they had a proper social standing. And others won't have respect if they weren't up to the mark socially. 

So they told me that if I didn't have any friends or money then I don't deserve any respect. I told them that that's a lie. I explained to them that every human being deserves basic dignity. And they told me that I'm being idealistic and living in clouds and that people who don't have a good paying job or a proper social image will never deserve respect. I was kinda pissed. So I asked them- "what about a janitor, won't he deserve respect?" and they said that nobody would care about him and he will have to accept the fact that people would most likely disrespect him. I was really furious so I asked them if they thought homeless, sick and drug addicts deserve respect. And they flat out said " no. "

 

I was really mad at this point and I told them that I had dated a homeless broke guy. Then they called me stupid for dating him, as though I had done something socially wrong. 

 

Maybe a part of feeling undeserving stems from the above incidents. 

 

 

 

Respect is given, not acquired upon command even though in every society, ancestries are required by rule of law to respect those governing tomorrows arriving as happening today.  It is an intellectual catch 22 thing this species does within itself and the practiced used in every society doesn't end well as history recorded to date.

 

Unconditional love is respect.  Conditional love requiring compromise becomes tyranny in social circles with a chain of command controlling multiple generations same way ancestry is never same ancestors again.

Edited December 21, 2023 by solereproduction
clarifying how my statement is relative to concept of love

[Blessed2]

2 hours ago, Reena said:

What should I say to myself to feel like I'm deserving of love?

 

You're not a character in time. You're dreaming it up.

 

You're dreaming up the opposite of what you really are. You're unconditionally loved. "Deserving" doesn't even compute to the truth of who you are. "Deserving" is the dream-stuff, the opposite of the unconditional love and abundance that's eternally yours already.

 

1 hour ago, Reena said:

I think as a child I was made to feel this deep sense of bad luck. Like I was an unlucky child. My mom always told me that everyone else will succeed except for me. So a child doesn't understand right from wrong so I sort of internalized all of that unworthiness.

 

The dream can be very convincing. It does everything in it's power to keep you dreaming. Until it doesn't. Maybe.

 

It comes up with stories about childhood and parents and trauma and stuff like that. None of it is real and none of it says anything about you.

 

1 hour ago, Reena said:

So couple of months ago I had a huge fight with my family over the matter of respect. 

We were having dinner and I told them that everyone deserves respect. 

Then they said to me that I was very wrong. I asked them how was I wrong. They told me that people only deserve respect if they had a proper social standing. And others won't have respect if they weren't up to the mark socially. 

 

Yeah, the dream is very convincing.

 

I'm in the process of claiming back my true power and unconditionality from "parents" too. But it is indeed convincing. It seems like there really are parents and consequences to what you do.

 

But it helps to remember the word "consequence". Con sequence.

 

You're dreaming up pretty shitty parents, like all of us do more or less.

 

[Phil]

This is often referred to as a ‘pendulum swing’. A swing from one belief to an opposite belief.  

I’m not deserving of love to I’m deserving of love. 

I’m not deserving of respect to I’m deserving of respect. 

 

The underlying assumption all of these beliefs are based on is the obscuring of the very love sought. 

Love is absolutely unconditional and allows all obscuring. Relative = conditional. 

Beliefs about others & respect can never amount to self-respect, just like beliefs about truth can never amount to integrity.  

 

 

[Reena]

14 hours ago, Orb said:

@Reena

 

Are you meditating daily? Exercising daily? Journaling with a pen and paper or on this forum daily? Are you reading books? Are you eating a bit cleaner perhaps? Are you looking at beliefs held and choosing thoughts that resonate? Are you praying for the well being of people? Are you giving? Are you receiving? 

 

Are you meditating daily?

No.. I don't feel motivated to live. 

 

 

Exercising daily?

No. I don't feel motivated to live. 

 

 

 

Journaling with a pen and paper or on this forum daily?

On this forum daily yes. It makes me feel a little better. 

 

 

Are you reading books?

No. I don't feel motivated to live. 

 

 

 

Are you eating a bit cleaner perhaps?

Not at all. I eat junk and eat very dangerous stuff. I even sometimes eat detergent. Because I feel frustrated and self destructive. I have ruined my body. Because I feel like I am worth nothing. Even my body is worth nothing. My father's death haunts me. 

 

 

 

Are you looking at beliefs held and choosing thoughts that resonate?

No. I don't like anything. Everything feels like torture. Some days I feel like wanting nice things like nice food and a nice life. I feel like going hiking and some days I feel like I am completely useless and I feel like my life is a big fat joke and I feel like why am I even living? 

 

Are you praying for the well being of people?

Sometimes Yea. But life looks worthless to me. Although I believe every person on planet earth is a soul and deserves respect and dignity no matter what. 

 

Are you giving?

No. I feel like I don't want to. I feel deficient and giving makes me more like a loser. Whenever I gave I was scammed. I don't believe or trust in humanity. If someone is truly suffering, I want them to be in peace because they belong to my camp, the camp of sufferers. 

 

Are you receiving? 

Not at all. I block all receiving. I give into fear, insecurity, anger, paranoia and mistrust. I don't want to trust anyone because I was betrayed every single time by people who pretended to help me and caused me further harm. 

So I don't want to receive help. It feels dangerous to receive help. It's partly my mental illness and partly my past experience of exploitative people and messed up past with people. 

 

 

I don't feel safe around people so I push them away and out very strongly.

 

 

Edited December 22, 2023 by Reena

[solereproduction]

Emotions are tricky if one doesn't navigate them instinctively when living proportionately alive in plain sight.  Balancing between the two 4 letter words of love and hate is like living on a rotating planet revolving around a star where there is light, twilight, night, dawn, winter, spring, summer, fall.

 

Emotions vs passion, which is the action and the other reaction? Compare that to want and need with rhetorical questions each person's brain has to solve on their own to be centered in the time they get being alive as uniquely here occupying space now. Does one want to be needed or is one needed to be wanted? 

 

Each lifetime has a separate point of origin. Each family unit fit in one ancestral lineage. Each ancestral lineage has its own point of origin all coming from sharing time collectively alive relative to their lifecycle when living between sharing common event horizons.

 

Emotions are reactions with adapting in space uniquely here and passions are reactions to those emotions surrounded by lifetimes having their unique time living same way, same time, mutual situation, separately taking place.

 

Individual needs and wants to social wants and needs.  How to balance is simple but never easy for anyone in this situation of life limits options to never exceed how and why one is here in the first place as specifically what, where, when, which generation gap, one is here between everyone else between inception and extinction of oneself, one's siblings, cousins, friends, people sharing space at the same time.

 

Then there are parents, siblings, cousins, friends, people sharing time.  Expand this to grandparents, siblings, cousins, friends, people sharing time.

 

The more people, the less options one has to do whatever they feel like doing out of respect for everyone is limited to adapting in their time occupying space now.

 

So here everyone alive is specifically alive occupying time inhabiting space in their conceived ancestral position counting rotations of the planet since birth hoping for better days ahead than one has achieved adapting here now as part of the whole population alive.

 

The necessity to put limitations on intellectual ideas that go beyond living in this adapt or become extinct moment. Occupying space for the time one has specifically here since conceived and currently 8 billion humans inhabiting space specifically one of a kind geographically here regardless the history of their social franchise.

 

I empathize with every brain standing alone against all the alternate realities and parallel universes of interpretation by "people" colonizing around conceptual traditional faiths intellect is a higher form of evolution, but it is just a natural part of evolving with genetics eternally separating the lifetimes occupying space now.

 

I have big dreams, large fantasies, want more than what I am willing to do to get it.  My brain isn't a contextual soul and my mind nurtured after birth isn't an ancestor's body, but a character on a world stage directed by those seeking advantages over the natural process of simple compounding chromosomes adapting as displaced.

 

See I empathize with your emotions intellectually and instinctively it doesn't change between male or female positions as each body is just a half life replacement of their previous generations.

 

It is how evolving actually happens.  Like it or not. Accept it or not.  Not accepting it has become the history played out within this species creating its own mayhem, madness, misery.

 

I cannot stop it, I can explain it though and face nobody believing me or saying I never make sense describing life beyond separate realities traditionally performed by every colonized social order of "We the people __________ , and nobody can stop us now.".

 

Equality made to feel worthless.

 

Been there lived that for 72 years and still resisting the idea now isn't eternity that divides this species intellectually last 7,000 years each generation gap before I arrived as me.

 

 

[Orb]

7 hours ago, Reena said:

 

Are you meditating daily?

No.. I don't feel motivated to live. 

 

 

Exercising daily?

No. I don't feel motivated to live. 

 

 

 

Journaling with a pen and paper or on this forum daily?

On this forum daily yes. It makes me feel a little better. 

 

 

Are you reading books?

No. I don't feel motivated to live. 

 

 

 

Are you eating a bit cleaner perhaps?

Not at all. I eat junk and eat very dangerous stuff. I even sometimes eat detergent. Because I feel frustrated and self destructive. I have ruined my body. Because I feel like I am worth nothing. Even my body is worth nothing. My father's death haunts me. 

 

 

 

Are you looking at beliefs held and choosing thoughts that resonate?

No. I don't like anything. Everything feels like torture. Some days I feel like wanting nice things like nice food and a nice life. I feel like going hiking and some days I feel like I am completely useless and I feel like my life is a big fat joke and I feel like why am I even living? 

 

Are you praying for the well being of people?

Sometimes Yea. But life looks worthless to me. Although I believe every person on planet earth is a soul and deserves respect and dignity no matter what. 

 

Are you giving?

No. I feel like I don't want to. I feel deficient and giving makes me more like a loser. Whenever I gave I was scammed. I don't believe or trust in humanity. If someone is truly suffering, I want them to be in peace because they belong to my camp, the camp of sufferers. 

 

Are you receiving? 

Not at all. I block all receiving. I give into fear, insecurity, anger, paranoia and mistrust. I don't want to trust anyone because I was betrayed every single time by people who pretended to help me and caused me further harm. 

So I don't want to receive help. It feels dangerous to receive help. It's partly my mental illness and partly my past experience of exploitative people and messed up past with people. 

 

 

I don't feel safe around people so I push them away and out very strongly.

 

 

People who begin those habits aren't just filled with motivation and feeling love, it's usually the opposite. And those practices can be healing. Actually do them, give some of them a shot, maybe try adding in one new habit at a time like meditation or exercise. 

 

Seriously, aren't you TIRED of this method? The complaining method? The going to different forums and sites to manipulate people into making you feel safe method?

[Blessed2]

Start with going the easiest way. Life is supposed to be fun.

 

Try the energy orb thing. Do it every day, even 5 minutes.

 

And do this for five minutes:

 

 

No need for a formal meditation technique. Do whatever relaxing and centering for five minutes each day.

 

I mean what else would you be doing?

 

[Phil]

@Reena

There’s no effort involved in letting a discordant thought or thoughts (story) go, and therein no effort involved in allowing the thoughts or story to change. Care more about how you feel than being right. Put another way, allowing thought to align with feeling rather than expecting feeling to align with thought.

 

Allowing alignment is allowing energy vs ‘pinching yourself off’. Try it out for a week. The difference will be substantial. Then maybe consider some basic exercise. Then a week, a month or what have you later, consider diet changes.

 

It’s the change in orientation that resonates most, and that change is always possible and often starts with letting go of discordant thoughts simply and only because of how it feels. If & when a discordant thought next arises - don’t react or conceptualize… be aware and feel whatever emotion arises. The truth really does set you free.

 

You may have very well been betrayed and hurt, but that’s passed. Presently, there’s a thought story of a past, and if it’s discordant, reliving it is only betraying and hurting yourself. A clarifying distinction is pain is localized in the body & present, whereas suffering can’t be pointed to or found and isn’t actually present. 

 

The simplest easiest way (imo) to let discordant thoughts and emotions come & go is to focus instead on feeling breathing in the stomach. It’s very natural, centering & grounding. 

[Reena]

10 hours ago, Blessed2 said:

Start with going the easiest way. Life is supposed to be fun.

 

Try the energy orb thing. Do it every day, even 5 minutes.

 

And do this for five minutes:

 

 

No need for a formal meditation technique. Do whatever relaxing and centering for five minutes each day.

 

I mean what else would you be doing?

 

Yea but I don't want to be told that life is supposed to be fun. It hurts my principles. 

 

I'm an ethnic minority woman. I struggled to be where I am today. Surviving odds. Surviving suicide attempts. 

Bullied heavily for being an ethnic minority woman. 

 

So life is not really fun for me and I don't wish to be told that. 

[Blessed2]

15 minutes ago, Reena said:

Yea but I don't want to be told that life is supposed to be fun. It hurts my principles. 

 

Your principles suck.

 

15 minutes ago, Reena said:

So life is not really fun for me

 

Sure, but it's supposed to be fun.

 

[Reena]

34 minutes ago, Blessed2 said:

Your principles suck.

Frankly my dear, I don't give a shit. 

 

[Blessed2]

51 minutes ago, Reena said:

Frankly my dear, I don't give a shit. 

 

 

You don't give a shit whether life is fun or not?

 

[Reena]

46 minutes ago, Blessed2 said:

 

You don't give a shit whether life is fun or not?

 

I want to express my thoughts but I don't want to sit here feeling guilty of ruining your Christmas cheer. 

 

Should I go ahead and say what I want to?